Don't Stop Believing, Hold on to that Feeling

Shine the Light

2012-01-31T10:07:00.002-06:00

"As we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same." -Marianne Williamson

I'm needing some inspiration lately. I'm feeling like I'm just in a regular old, get-up-everyday-and-make-it-through-work mood. I want to feel inspired.

We've been through a lot lately- a wedding, a move, another move, a small apartment, I started a new job, Nick's started a new job. Those are some big things.

I want a direction again and I'm hoping once things take a regular hold of our lives, we will have some time to find more passion in our hobbies. Or more hobbies, more inspiration, more excitement. We will find a way, I'm sure. At this point I'm looking for others to inspire me :)

(that was a pretty pointless post)

Becoming a Mrs.- The Party (Part 2)

2012-01-08T20:19:00.012-06:00

Once we were married we were completely on a high.

After some formal pictures...

(Sorry some of these are so big :/)

We cheered with the bridal party on the limo to the reception, came in the secret back entrance, went up in the big elevator to enter from the grand staircase.

Upstairs we got to see how beautiful the place looked all set up, and we got to primp a little and take out my vale. Our parents and bridal party were introduced down the grand staircase to the song "Forever" by Chris Brown. In case you're not sure what that is, it's the song in the Youtube video that the Office spoofed for Jim and Pam's wedding. It rocked. Nick and I enjoyed watching everyone walk in and cheered for all of them!

We came in to "Home" by Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros.

Dad gave a fantastic toast, and everyone filed into their seats.

We greeted some people there, ate dinner, heard fantastic MOH and BM toasts. Let me say that I know again I am a bit biased, but these toasts were phenomenal. Firstly the videographer rolled up RIGHT in front of them, big light and all, and I looked to my MOH and said "umm sorry about that- good luck!" But they were great! No one talked too long, no one talked about inside jokes the whole time, and there weren't too many tears shed. MOH went first, making it funny, touching on the first trip Nick and I took, how much she heard about Nick, and something I told her about a week before about how Nick and I decided that if we need to talk the day of our wedding we would. I remember telling her, just as she recounted, that he was the only person who could calm me down if need be. She did a great job!! BM (unbeknownst to MOH, the person we visited on our first trip together) also talked about our visit, about how he was hesitant to like me before making sure I wouldn't break Nick's 3-times-too-big heart, and how all he heard about after that was me. We even toasted with Jameson, compliments to the weekend we met in Manhattan, KS.

It all went so fast, we ate a little, tried to talk to a few tables
(spent most of that time talking to my special friends!)
and then it was cake time.

The only bite of cake I had that night was the small bite Nick fed me, ever so sweetly.

The only bite of cake Nick had was the bite of cake I shoved into his face. The pictures kinda look like I punched out some teeth, but that's just mean.

We did our first dance,

I danced with my dad,

Nick danced with his mom

and step-mom.

We did the anniversary dance, there was some fun and laughter and then...

WE BROKE IT DOWNNNNNN!

The party part of this evening was probably the best party ever! I danced, danced, and danced some more. Nick danced, smoked cigars outside in the unseasonably warm weather, and danced. We drank, laughed, made rounds, and celebrated.

Friends and family filled the dance floor the entire night. As it got close to midnight there were top hats and crowns and everyone had poppers and noise makers. We brought in the new year, sent silver sparkling confetti flying, and kissed at midnight- our first midnight as a married couple!

More dancing followed, uniforms slowly fell off throughout the night, we drank from a stetson, there was the worm, some Michael Jackson moves, and my brother slid on the floor like a breakdancer. Nick and I left at the right time- I was laying on the floor happy and ready. The next day, even with our slight headaches, we kept recounting memories of how awesome the night was.

The whole weekend never could have been close to as amazing as it was without all the contributing parties; my parents, nick's parents, my seven bridesmaids, Nick's seven groomsmen, our 4 small attendants, the ushers, the readers, and all of those people who helped out without acknowledgement. Thank you, thank you, a million times thank you!

Again, professional photos complements of Steven Mastroianni at www.smastro.com

Becoming a Mrs. (Part One)

2012-01-05T16:53:00.013-06:00

The wedding- the spotty version as I remember it:

I can't say enough how beautiful, and (literally) perfect everything was for our wedding. Everyone probably says that, but for ours it is true ;)

As the girls and I were waiting in the back room of the church, it was too early for me to put my dress on and the guests began to arrive. Now, it may just have been my endorphins but I began to notice a warm glow take over.

It was the vision I had all along, that I recognized as soon as it took shape, but I could never place it before that night. It was my wedding, as I have always known it.

Nick arrived with his men and all my girls watched from the window, teasing me about how I had to stand in the back corner. I said aloud "I guess I can officially say we're REALLY getting married!"

I step into my dress and my bridesmaid zipped it up with no hesitation. I have to pause a second and tell you how completely thrilled I was that the dress fit so exactly right. About a week earlier it was very, very tight and I was slightly uncomfortable with the way it clung to me.

All day I'd been saying that I was anxious, excited, but not nervous. It was true; I was confident. In no way, shape or form did I feel like this wasn't exactly what we were supposed to be doing.

All my ladies wrote a message on the bottom of my shoes, my something blue.

Dress on, photographer and videographer in the building, someone came back in our room and said, "We're sending people to the balcony!" Awesome- let's pack 'em in!

Sparkling shoes, something borrowed garter and I'm dressed.

At one point as I asked my MOH if she saw Nick out there and she replied, "I see you dad and a LOT of uniforms." That made me so thrilled and even more anxious!

Then it proceeded:

Time for the mothers. Nick's Step-Mom and Mom go down the isle, then my mom and my brother.

Bridesmaids turn... but I hang back because guests are still arriving. MOH hangs with me, we have a little moment. No idea what we said but I wouldn't have wanted anyone else with me :)

Ok, her turn.

I come out, dad tears up.

I'm so ready.

I hear the music, I love it.

They close the doors... we get in place.

One cousin fixes my train, hair, etc. while the other organizes our pre wedding secret (possibly my favorite part).

Our song starts and we see everyone stand.

We wait.

Doors open, we smile and here we go. I don't remember faces from the first half of our walk, I looked straight at Nick. He looked perfect.

I saw my uncle and aunt, I saw my bridesmaids, I saw my brother. I looked back at Nick as he bends his head down and wipes his eyes. I thought for a split second "Wow! I'm not bawling!"

Then we just rolled forward.

Hugged my dad, grabbed Nicks arm and it was over in 20 min.

We were married! I remember toward the end thinking that we got to kiss soon and I was excited.

Then we left, man and wife.

We read the inside of each wedding band because we had them engraved without telling the other one what it said. We loved that our engravings were so similar.

Nick loved my dress, I loved being with him again.

It was magical, as I guess I always hoped it would be. It was very "us"- we wrote our vows, we picked a place, flew in a pastor, had our closest friends. There was meaning behind most every thing. It was special, and perfect, and I can't imagine a single thing changed to make it any more so.

-- All the professional photos were taken by our outstanding photographer- find him here! Steven Mastroianni Photography

(to be continued...update on the part next time...)

In the Spirit of the New Year

2011-12-21T10:23:00.003-06:00

I have seen this article pop up in a couple places and today I took a second to read it. Some of the suggestions don't apply as much to me, but several did. It may be a worthwhile read for ya :) Here are my thoughts:

2. Stop running from your problems. – Face them head on. No, it won’t be easy. There is no person in the world capable of flawlessly handling every punch thrown at them. We aren’t supposed to be able to instantly solve problems. That’s not how we’re made. In fact, we’re made to get upset, sad, hurt, stumble and fall. Because that’s the whole purpose of living – to face problems, learn, adapt, and solve them over the course of time. This is what ultimately molds us into the person we become.

How difficult is that?! I sat here thinking about little problems that I seem to run from and how I could face them. It's downright scary to think about, but I'm sure I'd feel so strong within if I was able to do this.

9. Stop trying to buy happiness. – Many of the things we desire are expensive. But the truth is, the things that really satisfy us are totally free – love, laughter and working on our passions.

This one is rough for me, and I know it makes me sound superficial, eek. It's just hard to not purchase new shoes or a new necklace and get that rush of happiness. That rush fades; I guess that's what they mean.

20. Stop wasting time explaining yourself to others. – Your friends don’t need it and your enemies won’t believe it anyway. Just do what you know in your heart is right.

I find this difficult. I'm a talker, talk talk talk... explain what I was thinking over and over so no one judges me. Sigh. Good one to try!

30. Stop being ungrateful. – No matter how good or bad you have it, wake up each day thankful for your life. Someone somewhere else is desperately fighting for theirs. Instead of thinking about what you’re missing, try thinking about what you have that everyone else is missing.

There is always room to be more grateful.

Enjoy the article. (if you missed it up there- click here!) I even book marked the blog incase I want to go back and check :) Hope you are all enjoying your holiday season!

Strength for Today

2011-12-13T14:56:00.003-06:00

I found some things today that made me smile and want to be strong, and I'd like to share them :) Enjoy!

“Anyone can hide. Facing up to things, working through them, that’s what makes you strong.”— Sarah Dessen (via kari-shma)

Haggard

2011-12-12T15:01:00.005-06:00

I'm feeling beyond haggard today. The 3 day drive complete with a dog who pants each minute of the car ride, a trailer and boat in tow, and a flat tire along the way is enough to wear someone out. I guess moving your entire life can cause you to feel somewhat lost, confused, and just plain sad. I don't see the light yet here, but of course we've only been her for 3 days or so. I think we will enjoy being closer to some people that we haven't seen in a long time. On the other side though, I don't feel like making new friends. Does that make me sound like a spoiled brat? Ya, I think a bit. I have some really amazing friends and I cherish the time I spend with them. I have entirely too many who are spread out all over the country and I would like to invest time in those friendships. Maybe that makes it less bratty.

We finally took a ridiculously low offer on the condo today. Backstory: I still own the condo Mike and I bought in 2007. I have had it on the market for 10 months or so. The condo market in that area is horrible. We dropped the price a ton and got an offer over 10,000 lower. We worked with the possible buyer and he would only come up to about 7,000 shy of our list price, with 3% of the selling price back (which makes no sense to me. Why not just offer 3% less?) and now he keeps throwing in little things that we need to pay for. A roof assessment that will cost 1,000. A home warranty for a year. I'm sorry sir, would you like me to fill up the fridge for you too???

I just feel completely beaten down. I want to feel happier and I can't seem to find it right now. Hopefully it will come back around!

Ketchup

2011-12-09T18:35:00.003-06:00

The longer I go without posting, the more things actually happen and the more I remember there are more things to tell you. Did that just sound like blabble? Because it is.

OK here's a short update, and then from here I will just continue on like you all know what's going on ok? :)

1.) I am now in Kansas. We moved because, long story short, Nick got PCSed. He will have about 18 more months and apparently they cannot be finished in NC so we have moved.

2.) We're living with friends until the middle to end of January. The only apartment we could find that allowed us to have Lily was not available until mid January. Luckily (VERY LUCKILY) we have some great friends with a house who are letting us set up camp at their place until the apartment is available.

3.) We're getting married in 22 days. whoa.

4.) There's Christmas thrown in there somewhere.

I am excited for a new part of our life, being in Kansas, but I feel like this move is distracting me from the last month or so of wedding stuff. That may be a good thing, but when I remember we have a wedding coming up, I get so excited. I think that day will be a really fantastic day.

Hope all of you are well! I will be around much more often now, promise.

Here you Me.

2011-10-13T20:03:00.003-05:00

I got home from class tonight and I have that distantly familiar feeling in my eyes again. The tired, drowsy, heavy feeling of a night drive home in a cloud of tears.

I don't even know where it came from except that I'm mentally and emotionally exhausted in a way I haven't been before. I'm caught in a world of balancing- no highs, no lows, no extremes- just trying to keep everything in check. I spend my time in my classes loving what I'm learning and wanting to spend all hours of the day doing that. I come home and remember that now that I am a full-time student I must also keep things around here in order, which seems completely normal to most, but I am a slob. Plain and simple. So keeping things in order takes work for me. I'm helping to plan a wedding that is taking me off in to left field, costing too much, but will be no less than breathtaking. An amazing one night that we spend 6 months coordinating. All I wanted to do was get married and now I remember why I wanted that, but was not anywhere near ready to plan a wedding. I quit my job and still somehow can't come up with a schedule to get everything done.

~ ~ ~ ~

"You're the heaviest weight, when you're not here, that's hung around my neck." -DMB

But it will come through at some point, no matter how much I pile on top of it. I miss him. There are things about him that I will always, always miss. I feel so heavy right now. Naturally I'm drawn to remembering his gift of being optimistically carefree. I could melt right into that with the confidence that nothing bad could ever happen if we were together, my footsteps in his, tumbling through this world together.

~ ~ ~ ~

"What would you think of me now? So lucky. So strong. So proud. I never said thank you for that. No I'll never have the chance." -Jimmy Eat World

Also on my drive I reflected on where I am now. It started because I was thinking that all I wanted was to be in my little condo bathroom with the yellowish light sitting on the floor in a ball with the warm shower running, steam filling the room, me letting it all out. That led to our house now, and really every time I think of our house now I immediately think of how much love I have for it. That somehow led to a string of thoughts on my hardheadedness and my pride in everything I've been through. Even though it may seem strange to those on the other side, it's like showing off my scars because I lived through it. I had no hope of coming up on the other side of this, and I have, and what it's given me I will share.

~ ~ ~ ~

A night I'm feeling quite weighted down. I am so happy with where I am in life, but losing my independence and gaining another half causes some moments of great introspection. But I am thankful for a loving pup, respectful fiancé, and true friends :)

Late- Big things are happening

2011-10-03T19:32:00.004-05:00

Guys, a few weeks ago very VERY big things were happening. I haven't told you about them yet, maybe because they are happening to people around me, maybe I'm just a little lazy... or busy, but here are some announcements.

One of my very best friends had a baby the day before one of my other very best friends got married. DANG.

I get to go meet Molly, and see Pat and Jenny in a few weeks, so more about her then!

But--- one of the coolest wedding I've been to (and I've been to just a few) was Kim and CJ's. Reasons their wedding was so fantastic:

1. They got married on the beach. ON the beach. Without shoes, right in the sand, in front of the ocean. Isn't that everyones dream wedding??

2. We wore no shoes, and it rocked!

3. As bridesmaids we got to get whatever dress we wanted as long as it was in the right color family. EASY and INEXPENSIVE as a bridesmaid!

4. Kim's family is the best at hosting stuff and it was great to see them all :)

5. The music. The music for the ceremony, for the reception, and apparently also for the favor. They had 2 mixed CDs, some people got CJ's mix and some got Kim's mix. Nick is holding the CD hostage in his truck.

Overall- awesome experience! So happy for the Strausses and can't wait to plan a trip to Boston to visit!

The moment when they walked back up the isle and were married. My favorite part.

Comfy

2011-10-03T19:10:00.003-05:00

I think of things I want to blog about in the most random places. When I have several spare seconds strung together I come up with whole paragraphs of things I should tell you guys that are very important, or make some point, or seem important to me. I keep thinking of several of these ideas and remembering I needed to blog them. But today a better one came along.

Today is the first day I am no longer part-time working. I am only full-time studenting. And I'm thrilled, but nervous. Honestly the money part makes me worried but I know we can do it without the little bits of money I was bringing in. I got many many things done today like studying for one of my midterms, several little wedding chores, paying a few bills, finishing the laundry, taking little Lily on a walk, organizing my office a bit, etc. I also was able to take my time and budget at the grocery store which seems kinda lame but in my minds eye it's my way to make up for the little bit I'm not bringing in.

Later I was at home, cutting up a red bell pepper I believe, and Nick just got home. He was sitting in the chair watching the TV. We were talking about the downstairs TV and how it seems to be on the fritz. I said something like "it's really no big deal. we have the one upstairs so if this one doesn't last we can just move that one down. we don't really need that one up their anyway." And he agreed. And there was nothing special, but I realized it was everything, right there.

I get so caught up (even though I try not to) in the wedding stuff, and family stuff, and money, and my condo, and my school work, and friends, and the house, and Lily... I forget to look at this life.

Our problem at the moment isn't even a problem.

I'm lucky enough to not be spending my life alone, but sharing it with Nick.

I'm lucky enough to have at least 5 texts on my phone saved so that I remember to carry on the conversation with these friends.

I have the best pet anyone could ask for.

(there she is!)

Things are wrong and things are right.

This is life.

It's not perfect but its really pretty great.

And I feel comfortable. Who knows how long it will last, but today I feel comfortable.

It's all I can think about now.

2011-09-18T18:51:00.002-05:00

Got home tonight and feel like I'm walking around with no purpose except not sitting down for too long. Maybe it's better described as when you have 10x too much caffeine in your body and you sit down, stand up, walk around, and all you want to do are the things you can't sit still long enough to do. I just want to scream- DONT YOU KNOW WHATS COMING?!?!

How can you not acknowledge it every time you talk to me this month?

How can you not read my mind and know when things slow down thats where I end up. That day, over and over and over and over in my mind.

How can you try to plan things for that weekend? Like I can do things that weekend.

What am I supposed to do?! Just tell me what I'm supposed to do.

I just want to scream anything. and everything. and all the time. The screams are running through my blood, making me antsy and anxious. Making me think, and not think. Making me want to cry and not be able to cry. Making me mad. Just plain mad at anything that I can be mad at.

I do not want to do this week again. ever. and it keeps coming back.

Dinner- epic Fail.

2011-09-07T08:34:00.003-05:00

I make dinner here. I like it. I haven't actually had to cook for more than just me very often so It's fun to be able to try new actual meals. Recently I've really been trying to incorporate more vegetables into what we're eating. I don't love vegetables, but aside from Asparagus, Nick would never eat a vegetable if he could get away with it. Last night I came home from class and asked if he had made any vegetables with the dinner in the crock pot. His response? I had some spinach dip. Um no dear, doesn't count.

Anyway, lets focus. I had a recipe for lemon pepper chicken in the crockpot. Crockpot meals for the day I have classes are fab because Nick can eat and I can eat later when I get home, or whatever. We're not stuck with both of us eating fast food at random times. From my childhood I had a somewhat severe aversion to lemon flavored chicken. Once, mom made such a dish, and my ever-so-dramatic brother and I were pretty sure she tried to poison us. For months whenever she made chicken we were sure she was putting hidden drops of lemon on the chicken. I thought maybe I'd be a big girl and give it a whirl.

Doesn't it look delicious. Ya, well that picture is not what mine looked like, but that's fine. I'm not in the food biz, I'm just trying to make a yummy, (EASY), healthy dinner for us.

Here's the recipe:

Lemon Garlic Chicken Crock Pot Recipe

Ingredients:
- 8 boneless skinless chicken breasts
- 10 garlic cloves, finely chopped or minced
- 2 yellow onions, chopped
- 2 cups fat free, low sodium chicken broth
- 1/4 cup lemon pepper seasoning
- 4 tbsp paprika
- 2 tbsp fresh parsley, finely chopped
- 1 tablespoon kosher salt
- 1 tsp lemon zest

Directions:
Rinse the chicken and pat dry. Mix together the lemon pepper seasoning, paprika and salt. Coat the chicken with the spice mixture. Place the coated chicken in the crock pot and cover with the fat free chicken broth, garlic cloves, parsley and onions and lemon zest. Cook on low heat for about 3-4 hours (or until done)

So easy, right? Here's what I did:

1. Plug in and turn on CrockPot

2. Add 8 boneless skinless chicken tenderloins

3. 10 seems like a lot of garlic cloves, so I'll only add 3 chopped.

4. I don't like onions. I'll only add one.

5. Add 2 cups of low sodium chicken broth

6. Shook in about 1/4 cup of lemon pepper seasoning. Seem's like a lot. hmm.

7. I don't have paprika

8. No fresh parsley, but I have some in my spice cabinet. I just sprinkle some in

9. No lemon zest-- substitute lemon juice? sure.

10. Leave for work. Return at 3 pm, stir. Turn to just warm as everything seems cooked.

11. We ate it when I got home at 7:30.

12. OH also, I added a can of whole white potatoes so we had some potatoey thing in the dish.

Nick dished up our chicken and I nuked some green beans.

We dive in.

I cough. Hmmm I must have had a pepper on that bite!

Nick says he agrees, navigate around the pepper seasoning.

I try a bite of potato and have to find something other than my wine to quench my thirst.

One more bite- it can't be that bad.

I want to vomit.

Nick says, "Want to put in that frozen pizza?"

"ya... scrap this lemon pepper hell."

As I try to drink everything we have in the fridge, Nick makes the pizza.

Bummer. I know I took some liberties, but I usually do and things turn out ok at the very least. I haven't had an epic fail yet. Oh well- no lemon chicken in our future!

Army 10-miler 2010 vs 2011

2011-08-31T08:40:00.003-05:00

Last year I set the goal to run the Army 10-Miler with Mike's sister, Amanda. She's had about 5 ACL surgeries and I've never run further than 200 meters so it was a lofty goal but in the spirit of doing things we've never done and honoring Mike's life in a way he would love, we saddled up. I took training seriously as 10 miles is a freaking lot. I started running 1-2 miles in April and it was so difficult for me, but once I got into it, I gradually increased to 4, 5 and even 8 miles before we actually did the race. The last 2 miles of the race were very difficult and all I kept thinking was "Just. Keep. Going." And we finished and I thought- never again will I do this. On the plane ride home I looked at Amanda and thought, ya we could do this again next year. And here we are.

Except this year is much different. I'm in NC but beside that I'm finding every excuse in the world not to run. I've been doing about 2/3 miles every couple days. I'm so worried the 10 miles will kick my butt so hard! The race is in October and tomorrow is the first day of September. Ummm train for a month?! Not exactly the plan. Nick's doing it this year with me, and a bunch of other friends are running. I need to get my butt in gear.

When you're not motivated to complete a goal that you've set, either physical or otherwise, how do you get yourself going?

(see how I'm blogging and NOT running...)

Ketchup

2011-08-10T07:42:00.003-05:00

I have been missing and busy. As I'm catching up on blogs I am remembering how much I missed you all- missed my time to reconnect and be introspective. I need that.

As I said I've been busy. I know it's been a while but jump with me, if you will, to where I am now in this crazy life. I am engaged, getting married on New Year's Eve, in a new house, working about 30 hours a week and going to grad school. It all seems like a lot. The last few weeks I have not been myself. Not the "myself" I like, not comfortable in my shoes. With so much going on there is little time to be introspective- such a 180 degree turn from my previous few years of constant introspection and time spent running around inside my own head.

I told Nick the other day, "I'm not feeling happy. I know we have this new house and a fabulous wedding but I'm not feeling happy and I don't know why." I felt so guilty at the same time. I always feel as if I'm letting someone down. As we talked he pointed out that it may feel different to me because for so long I was independent of anyone else. I didn't let people in. I relied on myself and my dog, that was really it. Now that I'm out in the world, working and living and making friends in this new place, people are relying on me. It's quite a transition. He flat out told me, "I could not have this house without you. I need you to be where I am right now." That's scary, and good, and scary again. It's nice to be needed but hard to realize you're back out there, intermingling with the world, able to have an effect on people.

I think they call that "living."

Time, time, time

2011-07-01T08:55:00.002-05:00

I apologize for not updating as often as I should. This blog is where I look forward to sharing some of the big things that happen in my life and lately I have been punking out of sharing due to work, and school and mostly more school. Summer I has come to and end and I finished with an A and a B and I am thrilled about that. Summer II is here and I am taking less so I should have little less on my plate.

Ok now the updates. Nick proposed May 28 and the last month has been amped up wedding talk. We chose New Year's Eve to get married, the day we met, and although it will be in chilly, snowy Ohio I look forward to getting married and celebrating the New Year with all of our friends and family!

Now I have a bunch of feeling related stuff that I wanted to share too, but we will save that for a later date.

The New Adventures of Lewis and Clark

2011-06-05T10:42:00.005-05:00

Do you guys know Tori and Zac? Ok in case you don't, let's rewind. Zac is one of Mike's best friends from grade school and high school. They played football together- it's kind of a big deal! :) So after Mike was killed, Zac and Tori were amazing friends. They lived nice and close to me so Tori would pop over and get me out of the house, or at least chill with me. We worked out together and then we'd eat at Taco Bell, to balance things out! She and Zac watched Lily a few times for me while I had to go out of town for work. They are really great friends. Zac decided to join the army about a year ago and has finished all his early training and is now part of the 82nd Airborne here at Ft. Bragg. Needless to say Tori and I were ecstatic to realize we'd be in the same place after they were in GA for a year.

Zac and Tori began their move a couple weeks ago and unfortunately some plans they had to sign paperwork to rent a condo fell through. It was a stressful weekend for them because they drove a truck up with about half of their stuff so that they could begin moving stuff in. Since I work in our apartment community, when I talked to them I told them I could get them in a unit by Sunday with no problems. They tossed the idea around and ran the numbers and (YAY!) decided to go for it! So now not only are we in the same area, we are literally next door to each other! Nick and I couldn't be more excited that they are right here! Tori and I have many, MANY more fun adventures together now that we live the closest we've EVER lived to each other!

On a side note, when we all hang out I am so thankful and very retrospective that I've know these 2 amazing people through several stages of the last few years. I met them with Mike, and I remember him telling me all about them before we met. They were there when we found out. Zac helped me with all my finances when I needed him most and could have cared about money the least. Tori had so many late night convos with me about everything and her positive energy always made me feel a little more at peace with life. I just couldn't be happier now that they know and love Nick, are able to celebrate our engagement (yea, I'll update on that in a bit) with us. I just love them very, very much.

(oh, the title of the blog? Zac and Tori's last names- before they were married of course)

Knowing me, I thought about it too much.

2011-05-17T13:07:00.003-05:00

"One of my great comforts since Liz's death had been talking about her- I was afraid that if her name went unmentioned or the stories went untold, our memories of her would forever disappear, and so would she." -Matthew Logelin, Two Kisses for Maddy

I somewhat freely talk about my relationship with Nick on here and I have a need today to explore some thoughts. I am about to finish Two Kisses for Maddy and there have been a couple spots where things have jumped out at me. Today it's the quote above, because of recent discussions Nick and I have had. After some poorly thought out statements and hurt feelings on both sides we sunk to the bottom of it all and uncovered the real issue were struggling with.

I talk about Mike often, and in a way, at inappropriate moments. It's not even always about Mike, but rather about making mention of losing my fiance' in Iraq in 2008.

I have grown accustomed to talking about his loss, as since day one I tried out new verbiage (ie: I am engaged but he was killed in Iraq; I was engaged but he lost his life in Iraq; No we weren't married; prefacing the story with a big long sigh and sad face; He passed; he's dead; he was killed; I'm a widow; I'm kind of a widow, etc.) often enough to know what type of reaction I would most likely receive. I do sometimes throw it out at inappropriate moments. Since the beginning my thought on this has been that yes, when I do this it may really impact that person and they may have a few awkward, rough, sad moments. I have had more than a few. In some way it is me shoving some of my pain in their direction. That's not the right thing to do. I also think it will make some people realize what they have, and frankly I'm ok with that. My other feeling is that I am damn proud of where I am right now. If you would have told me that I would be here in my life, having accomplished everything I have, having made several of the most amazing friends I could have, and knowing things that someone my age often does not yet know, I would have threw your words into the metaphysical trash can. So when people take a minute to get over the shock I smile at them, and I hope they realize that YES it was a traumatic event that I deal with every day, but I'm ok. And I'm proud of that.

Also, like the quote above, I have this responsibly to make sure no one ever forgets him and what he has done, even before he was killed. You can tell me it's not my responsibly but I won't believe you. So mentioning him, recounting stories, or the opportunity to bring up what I've been through assures in some small way that he's still a part of this world.

As I understand it, Nick's thoughts are different. He know's I will throw it out there are moments that people wouldn't expect that to be the case. He is prepared for it and has dealt with it on more than one occasion. As he was able to explain to me though, he feels like once I "drop the bomb" it's a conversation stopper. Not only does everyone feel awkward, but they will no longer inquire about me personally, or about us as a couple. He, in his most endearing way, told me that I am so much more than what has happened to me and he want's people to be able to see that. I've started my own business, I've gone back to grad school, I've made many new friends, I've become a runner and now am starting another very difficult workout, I've raised a pup from puphood to be a fully-adjusted functioning member of dog society (ok, I added that one.) But no one will get to know all those things about me, or be able to experience Nick and I as just Nick and I, a couple who met through some friends, when I explain part of our crazy story so early on.

I get what he's saying and I know his concerns are right on target but there are things about the way I handle the situation that he will never fully understand. I know it's different for me now because I am trying to make new friends in a new place and I haven't done that much outside the widowed world since losing Mike so sometimes I do talk about it when I should have waited. We've been able to discuss this continually and both adjust a little what we are thinking, as least enough to remember where the other person is coming from when it may happen. Luckily, we're both extremely aware of our craziness and are willing to adjust them for each other at times as necessary.

What's been going on?

2011-05-09T06:53:00.010-05:00

Sorry everyone, I've been out of the loop lately. Just getting used to life here. It's a bit of an adjustment for both Nick and I but luckily it has been mostly great fun! Lily loves have 2 people that adore her around all the time and I'm pretty sure she's best friends with Nick now. We've had some little growing pains but nothing huge, which I am very thankful for. I am also getting used to working again. It's a nice, fairly laid back job and one of my co-workers is becoming a great friend so it's definitely worth it! Plus, with all the weddings coming up and needing to travel the little bit of money will help, I hope. I also start school in a few weeks and (I know I've said this before) I cannot wait! I feel like I've been waiting and talking and thinking about this program for ages and FINALLY I get to start some great classes. The first summer semester I am taking Family Therapy on Monday and Wednesday and Crisis Intervention on Tuesday and Thursday. Both classes are taught by my advisor so she was telling me about them before I registered. Thrilled is the best word I can think of to describe how excited I am!

In the last few weeks, we've done a little celebrating and a little relaxing, when time permits! Nick finally started his language classes, so we take advantage of any time he's not studying :)

We celebrated Cinco de Mayo with our friends in the building. I made fresh guacamole and the men grilled the beer/lime chicken.

We took a Sunday walk at the Cape Fear River Trail with Lily. We went about 2 miles and she was one tired pup.

I tried a new recipe suggested by my friend- easy and really delicious. I just steamed some veggies like cabbage, mushrooms, zucchini and then cooked up some turkey sausage with some onions and put that on top of the veggies.

Celebrated some good news

Enjoyed a day off by the pool

We are both really enjoying NC! For me, the weather is such a great benefit- the sun is out all the time. It's quite a change from the gray Cleveland months. Hope everyone has had an enjoyable last few weeks!

Let's just be honest here.

2011-04-23T20:51:00.002-05:00

I've had some tension building up. Let's just see if we can get to the bottom of this, shall we?

I've had heartburn for about 2 weeks off and on. The last 3 days have been absolute murder. When I eat I have a hard time swallowing. My headaches, the ones that I thought we figured out were from my clenched jaw through the 8ish hours I sleep a night, are back. Still wearing the night guard so I know it isn't the jaw. At the end of the day I'm pretty sure Nick is tired of trying to figure out how to cure my headaches and lack of sleep due to the heartburn. He's getting a little fed up. Well sure I could go to the doctor but that leads me to another small issues... in order for me to continue my current health insurance I will now be paying somewhere around $486 a month. Um yea, that's not going to happen. So I'm on the search for health insurance. We will see in 7-10 days if I have a new plan.

Mike's annual golf tournament is June 11. It's a great time to catch up with a lot of his friends that are spread throughout the country. Although I've moved and hardly helped coordinate anything this year, I was absolutely planning to be there. How would I not? I was caught off guard to get an email about the tournament when I hadn't talked to anyone about the preliminary stuff, but I know that his friends enjoy planning a lot of that so I don't need to step in. I moved, so I guess it's harder for me to help much anyway. Did I mention my younger brother graduates from college in Cincinnati on June 11? Oh ya, that's happening. My little brother, who single-handedly kept me alive some of those bad days after losing Mike, is graduating from college. He sat through my graduation in 2006, but that's kind of irrelevant, because I would feel absolutely horrible if I wasn't there for him. That aside, my mom would pretty much disown me if I didn't go. I've already had enough crazy parent stuff, I'm not trying to throw more pain on that one. I've been avoiding this overlapping schedule. Just avoiding dealing with it. I think it's a big source of anxiety for me. And I think I'm straight up upset that I care that people will be wondering where I am. I hate that I will be at Matt's graduation thinking about the golf outing. I just hate the whole thing.

I have a lot of weddings this summer, much like last summer. That's exciting. Since most of my weddings are not in NC I have to take the whole weekend off of my new job to attend. I don't mind but I hate the idea of asking for time off. I've always felt nervous and guilty when I take time off of work, no matter how important the job actually is. It makes me feel horrible, like I'm inconveniencing my boss and the other people who work with me, since there aren't that many. But I have to be at my friend's weddings.

Nick is deathly afraid of being "lame" as we get older. I am deathly afraid of being the one who makes us "lame." (Well, maybe not deathly). So every time I decide I don't want to do something for some valid reason to me, I feel like he is secretly thinking that we're being lame.

I hate worrying about money, but I guess that one is just par for the course, seeing as I didn't work for a year. Being that the condo still hasn't sold I feel the money just slowly dripping out of me. However, I'm pretty sure almost everyone worries about money no matter what anyway.

Well I guess that's the big stuff that is floating to the top of my brain right now. Maybe typing through and sorting it all out will help me relax. I appreciate you all letting me vent and I know some of these things are total non-issues, but thanks for your support!

Grab your boat shoes

2011-04-19T08:32:00.006-05:00

After a day of storms and tornados that led to no electricity for us, we decided to try to have some fun on Sunday. Some friends of ours live in a development with a lake and luckily one of them has a boat. We spent part of the day Sunday catching some sunshine and relaxing on the boat. We missed Beth and little AJ and l'm looking forward to this weekend when AJ has a life jacket so we can all have some fun!

We were able to cook some breakfast on the neighbor's fire: grease-filled eggs and bacon :)

Then we headed out.

The boys had some fun.

I had some sun!

And then things went south... We decided after some drifting and chatting that it was time to go back and Dan could change places with Beth and she could have some boat fun. The boat decided it had different plans. It refused to start.

Mike tried to fix it.

I didn't stress.

We got a tow back...

and hitched up the boat for the day.

When we took the boat back to Mike's, Nick found a second new toy he'd like.

Before I ended up with a house on the lake, a boat and a new motorcycle, I decided to act quickly. I turned the conversation back to resuming Taco Night back at the homefront. We headed to our friend's place and celebrated Dan and Nick both being "Selected!"

All in all it wasn't a bad weekend. We were all very lucky to escape any damage because there have been a lot of people who were displaced by the tornados, or have even worse things to worry about. Sunday on the lake was a nice retreat!

Just as I promised, the inside :)

2011-04-18T08:32:00.006-05:00

Here are some pictures of the new place- visitor's welcome!

Down the hall you see our front door. You walk in past a closet and our washer and dryer and into our dining room.

A better view of the dining area, and turning left you go into the kitchen. Our kitchen has all black appliance and granite countertops. Quite a step up from my white tile countertop in the condo. Granite makes me very happy!

This is the view from the dining room into the living area. You can also see the sunroom from here. It's hard to get a great picture of the living area but our sectional is against the far wall.

The master bedroom gets a lot of light and the furniture just fits. We had to put one dresser in the closet, but we made it work. (Lily's in her spot)

The master bathroom has a corner stand-up shower, a garden tub with a shower and a ton of space!

The sunroom with the ginormous green couch and chair are Lily's favorite spot when we're gone. She sits on the arm of the couch and watches out the window. One side of the sunroom has our only bookshelf but the overflow of books shows how much we need another. The other side has Lily's bed and her 2 blankets.

Not pictured are the guest bedroom and the second bathroom, but this gives you an overall feel for the new place. I love that it's new and we are the first to live in our unit. I think we can enjoy it here for a year :)

The new place and new job

2011-04-14T07:24:00.004-05:00

This week has been long-ish. After not working for... oh you know... a little over a year, working again is fun, and makes me feel like I can contribute financially and have an immediate purpose each day. Because of the circumstances of the last week or so I have worked for about 9 days in a row now. I know, I know, it's not a long time, but it feels like a long time without a day off in between. I'm not really complaining because again it adds to that financially contributing thing, but mainly I am very surprised at how tired I am at the end of the day! I mean it's 8 and I'm exhausted- ridiculous! It's not like I'm doing anything physically taxing at work- just showing apartments, keeping things in order, paperwork and answering the phone. Despite the silly tiredness it is so nice to have a little work bubble of my own and a few new friends :)

Now a few pictures of our new place! I have to take some of the inside once I get it all clean and picture ready :) Until then, here are some outside views.

Outside of the brand new buildings here! The whole area is really gorgeous.

The playground and veranda outside.

Our Pool area is beautiful and has a small jacuzzi as well. Great for the NC weather because we'll be using it a ton I'm sure!

The inside of our clubhouse- also where I spend my working hours. The desk I sit at is right by the front door in this big room.

Nick napping with Lily. He is not laying this way because I'm taking a picture, he actually likes to sleep with pillows on top of his head.

Yoga

2011-04-05T18:46:00.002-05:00

I enjoy the running habit I have grown into in the last year or so because it has gotten me somewhere I never imagined I'd be. I was not a runner as a child or as a teenager. It was not my thing, and that is putting it mildly. I "ran" track in high school mostly because everyone else did and it was some scheduled hang-out time with my friends. My two events were the high jump and the long jump. I loved the high jump- it was so fun! (Side note: it has been said that my dad was watching the high jumpers of the 1984 olympics in the minutes of my birth as he waited in the waiting room while my mom was having an emergency c-section. I was destined to high jump.) Coach Craig eventually made all of us participate in one of the running events and since the 200 Meter dash was close to the end of the meet, that was usually what we'd all have to run. Anyway- too far off track- I was not a runner. To have run a 10 mile race at a pretty solid average pace in my 25th year of life is quite an accomplishment. One I am very proud of- one I wish Mike could know he was the inspiration for.

Although I am proud of my running and intend to continue running to keep myself (in particular, my heart) in shape, the novelty is wearing off. Somewhere in the back of my mind keeps floating the thought of my rusty, but one-time ideal yoga practice.

About 4 months before Mike was killed we spent a lot of time talking about our future, what we would be like together in our future life, how our family would run, etc. We decided we would have a healthy family, and do as much as possible to control our own health and that of our future children. To do this we thought it was necessary to begin all the healthy habits we could immediately so that it was easy to pass them on. We called it the "Healthy Family Plan." He had a lot more down time and he was working out a lot, and I promised I would try some different workouts and find something that I really enjoyed. I had toyed with the idea of yoga before. The deep breathing, the stretching and building of long, lean muscles all appealed to me, but in that sort of "hip, hollywood" way. After some research I found a class at the Westlake Rec Center and went 3 times a week. I feel in love. What I mean is that the teacher was amazing and presented the practice in a way that constantly appealed to me. I looked forward to going, and on long work days when I wanted to skip the night class I would realize on my drive home that it was so very worth it for me to go. It completely changed my state of mind for the day. It was like a reset button for me. I told Mike how much I was enjoying it, how I had found the workout that not only was making me stronger but that I wanted to do. This concept was so foreign to me.

My yoga classes were on Tuesday and Thursday nights- and Saturdays. Thursday, September 24, 2008 I was in yoga class. I remember what I wore- a navy blue tank top and gray yoga pants. I remember where I sat in the class, on the right side sort of in the middle. I came home after, and wrote Mike an email saying that I was glad I went to class tonight, it had calmed my nerves from a stupid fight I had with my mom earlier in the day. Then I said to him something like, "Baby, I'm really done with this. I want you home. I want this to be over. I don't know how much longer I can do this. I just want to have our wedding, and you back, now." He was already gone. He never received that message. I had no idea.

I know many women who knew something was different in the moments after their husband's death, before they were notified. Because of the time difference and circumstances, it takes a little while for the news to travel. I had no idea. I felt no different, except for my need to be near him, which was not a new feeling in the 11 months we were apart. I wasn't even worried. I say that in the way that those of you who have experienced deployed spouses will understand. I was in a constant state of worry being that he was deployed to a war zone, but at that point I was accustomed to living with that feeling and although I had that constant worry, I was more impatient with the time we still had left. I was more consumed with the thoughts of how amazing our wedding would be if we could only get there. I never, for a second, thought he was dead until I talked to my father, and then his father, the next morning.

So in the moments when he was scared, nervous, in pain, worried about all of us back here, telling his commander to tell me he loved me, in all those moments I was peacefully breathing through some pose with no idea what was happening.

These thoughts have kept me from yoga. When I began to be ready to workout again, I knew that I could not get back into that. I have tip-toed and toyed with the idea for more than 2 years now. I have bought a couple DVDs that I've done zero times. I dusted off an old DVD that I've done once. I downloaded an app that I did for about a week. I researched and found classes around Westlake, and even at the bally's I was a member of, but I can't take that final step to actually do it.

I looked in my current location and found a couple studios that looked inviting and do-able. Nick found a groupon to one of those studios and when he sent it to me I decided it was meant for me to being again. I bought it. For 2 weeks now I've intended to use it. I've looked at their website about 20 times. I've planned out a schedule that will allow me to try several classes. I was going to go 2 days ago. Then I was going to go yesterday. Then I was going to go today. I haven't gone yet. It's difficult, but surely I've done more difficult things. Thinking about those minutes before he passed are one of the things that still hangs in the hollows of my inner caves of grief. I shut the doors and hope they will clear out, but until I face it, move past it, realize it may be more beneficial than harmful, I don't think it will go away.

Here's to hoping I get my butt back to yoga...

Richmond Military Society 5K to support the AWP

2011-04-01T08:38:00.006-05:00

Last weekend I was able to go to Richmond and visit with a bunch of my AWP friends and run a 5K that raised money for the AWP. I considered it my opportunity to not only benefit from the work the AWP does, but also help support that continued work. There were flags that lined the race route that were purchased to honor fallen service members- Nick and I bought 3, one for Mike, and two for his fallen friends. I ran the race, which was beneficial for me in several ways. Again I participated in the event for the AWP (since I don't golf and opt out of the golf outing") and since I am really trying to maintain this running habit I've created, it gave me something to train for. The actual race was chilly, and hilly, but hey- whatever! I ran it and I finished and it was a good workout and a great cause.

The other major benefit of this race was the opportunity to meet a few widows that I hadn't met before, namely Beth and Laura, who I have been talking to for quite some time but without meeting in person. Laura I actually met online while Mike was deployed through a military spouse message board. When Mike was killed she reached out to let me know she lost her boyfriend in Iraq and that she would love to talk about anything and everything I needed. She was the very first person I knew who had gone through something like this and it was wonderful to finally meet her. Beth and I have been talking through email and on the phone for a while as well. She is one of my few fiance friends and she is so down to earth I love it. I am glad we got the opportunity to share a room in VA so that we could talk and get to know each other even better. I love her perspective and the way she looks at everything. She definitely makes me feel less crazy :) She has also been a big encouragement in the running I have taken on. She is a runner and she helped me get through my 3/4 mile rut when I was training for the 10 miler, and she sent me some encouraging music to keep me going! Thank God for my amazing friends :)

Beth and Me

I run with my men- Mike's on the Left. Nick's on the Right.

One of my favorites from the race day!

This will be a boring update.

2011-03-22T17:56:00.002-05:00

Here is an update of my life :)

1) I have moved. I am now living with Nick near Fort Bragg, NC. My stuff all arrived last weekend and it is fabulous to have everything here and in one place. I still feel like I'm visiting here but I'm sure at some point it will hit me. I told Nick to hang in there when I do, ha.

2) I will be starting a Community Counseling master's program at Campbell University in May. I have an interview for the program and I have not actually been accepted yet, but hoping there is no problem. I am thoroughly excited to begin taking these classes and see how my future career path will unfold.

3) I got a job today! I haven't worked since the last week of January 2010. A job at the apartment complex we are living in was looking to hire a part-time leasing consultant to help fill capacity. It is a brand new place and they haven't filled the occupancy yet. My boss is very willing to work around my school schedule which is essentially what I would need in a job. We also get a rent discount and I can walk to work! It sounds like a good job for me right now.

Things are good in those 3 big areas of my life and I'm pretty happy about all of them. Thank goodness for a little rest :)

The word "Deserve"

2011-03-18T08:18:00.002-05:00

I don't think this word needs to be part of our vocabulary. Point blank. Maybe I'm missing something, but to me deserve means something like if you do this, you get that. In my head it's similar to "entitled" which I also dispise. I just am not sure when people use words like these what they think it means. Just because you did something good does not mean you deserve good things. Or maybe it may mean you deserve them but it doesn't mean that it will happen. I think maybe in the larger sense of the world this thought makes sense. If you commit a severe crime, you deserve time in jail. But most situations are hardly that black and white.

Maybe I don't dislike this word, but I dislike the way people use it.

Let's take a look at the dictionary:
1. to merit, be qualified for, or have a claim to (reward, assistance, punishment, etc.) because of actions, qualities, or situation: to deserve exile; to deserve charity; a theory that deserves consideration.
2. to be worthy of, qualified for, or have a claim to reward, punishment, recompense, etc.: to reward him as he deserves; an idea deserving of study.

Ok so to earn something as a reward. I get that- especially when you're a child. But my problem is that although it makes sense that if your son cleans his room he deserves a piece of candy to encourage him to clean his room, as an adult, no one gives me candy for cleaning anything.

To be qualified for-- ok so I'm qualified for a job, more qualified than you. I have more experience than you, I have a better track record than you, etc. Maybe if they hire you instead of me they can pay you less, so you get hired. Hey! I deserved that job. I was qualified for it. Too freaking bad.

I guess it's an accurate word, I did deserve the job. Your son did deserve the candy. Sometimes it just doesn't matter what you deserve.

Random rant, I know. I just heard it this morning and it hits a nerve with me almost every time.

Advice Needed

2011-03-10T20:04:00.002-06:00

Blogger Friends, I need some advice. I know quite a few of you have dogs of your own and I'm searching for a method that I'm comfortable with to curb some of Lily's habits. It's really one habit in particular, the potty. At my condo when I first brought her home 2 years ago she would pee upstairs on the carpet if I left her alone. She'd only pee on carpet and I didn't have much carpet in the house so I started shutting the doors to the 2 bedrooms with carpet when I'd leave her home alone and that solved the problem. Then as I would be gone for longer amounts of time I introduced her to "potty pads" and she would just pee there if I was gone and she'd have to go. She's been staying with my parents for the last 2 weeks While I travel and get this move sorted out. She is alone with their dog all day and pees everyday on their carpet now. She will pee beside a potty pad if you lay one out. Sometimes she even poops. At the new apartment there is about 90% carpet so this habit cannot last! I can get her to a pretty regular schedule, but when were both gone is when there are the most problems.

I'm coming to you for some help. Let me tell you that the way I have "raised" my Lily is mostly through positive reinforcement. I have seen it work on everything I've taught her. I know that there are different ways to train a dog and my parents often make remarks because I choose not to hit her. (not that they are abusive, that's just their discipline style). I cannot wrap my head around hitting my dog because I am frustrated that I can't teach her to do what I want her to do. I can understand in a few very serious situations the need for quick punishment that immediately teaches the lesson. When I walked Lily close to the street and she tried to run around infront of a car, I smacked her butt, to frighten her and make her immediately understand that something about what she did was very bad. I don't want her to run into the street. But smacking her when I see that she's peed on the floor after I come home doesn't cut it with me. I don't see how she'll connect the peeing as bad , especially if she did it hours before I got home.

So I'm looking for other suggestions that may help us work throuh this bad habit. Thanks in advance guys!

Lots of Grey's

2011-03-05T15:26:00.002-06:00

Just a quote that hit me hard today as I chilled with some Grey's.

"We all remember the bedtimes stories of our childhoods.

The shoe fits Cinderella.

The frog turns into a prince.

Sleeping beauty is a wakened with a kiss.

Once upon a time and then they lived happily ever after.

Fairytales.

The stuff of dreams.

The problem is fairytales don't come true.

It's the other stories, the ones that begin with dark and stormy nights and end in the unspeakable.

It's the nightmares that always seem to become reality."

Obviously a little depressing, but it struck me and I'm going with it.

Humor in the Moment

2011-03-03T20:57:00.004-06:00

Grey's Anatomy tonight was a re-run. It's the one when they have to take care of the victims of a local college shooting. It's particularly difficult for them because of the recent shooting at their hospital and everyone is still processing and dealing with that tragedy. At the end all of the main characters are sitting in the observation room and there is a moment after they realize they didn't lose any of the several gun shot wound victims they had come in that evening. Then they all just start laughing. I love that moment. It's the moment when everyone who has shared a specific traumatic event already knows what the other person is thinking. Sometimes the moments after your adrenaline has run out and you don't have that automatic response anymore, you find it funny. You laugh at strange things.

Is it wrong that those moments always make me think of my widows? :)

I have been in a completely new world in the last week, running around at Nick's new place, meeting people, getting to know the area, helping coordinate my move and all that goes along with that. I have felt the full gamut of emotions while I've been here. Specifically today I found myself trying to play the role new people see when they meet me-- that is, military-girlfriend-who-is-eventually-moving-here-so-it-must-be-pretty-serious-and-we-should-probably-get-her-accustomed-to-the-"military"-lifestyle. Only a few people know my full story, just as I do not know these new people's stories. No one would assume I am the fiance' of a CPT KIA in 2008. I know what's up. When the topic of "my husband had some Causality Assistance Officer training the other day" comes up and everyone talks about how it's depressing and sad but at least now they have an idea about that-- in my head I laugh. I laugh and think, ohhhh you have no idea. You have no idea. Today at lunch with some new ladies, I almost started laughing out loud. I had to stop and check myself, realizing that I was NOT in widow company, and these ladies do not know what I'm thinking.

Sometimes I guess you have to find the humor. Sometimes It's better than getting mad, or crying, or yelling. Sometimes you just hit a demented nerve, a little sensitive in a strange way, and you feel you've earned the right to laugh. I guess sometimes you just need to let it out and a little laughter, I think, is always ok.

A thought on being happy

2011-02-17T11:34:00.005-06:00

(Blinks Of Life)

From Eat, Pray Love

"I keep remembering one Of my gurus teachings about happiness. She says that people universally tend to think that happiness is a stroke of luck, something that will maybe descend upon you like fine weather if you're fortunate enough. Buy that's not how happiness works. Happiness is the consequence of personal effort. You fight for it, you strive for it, insist upon it, and sometimes even travel around the world looking for it. You have to participate relentlessly in the manifestations of your own blessings. And once you have achieved a state of happiness, you must never become lax about maintaining it, you must make a mighty effort to keep swimming upward into that happiness forever, to stay afloat on top of it. If you don't you will leak away your innate contentment. It's easy enough to pray when you're in distress but continuing to pray even when your crisis has passed is like a sealing process, helping your soul hold tight to it's good attainments."

"I'm angry with him"

2011-01-25T20:58:00.002-06:00

One of my favorite movies is Pretty Woman. Many of you may know the part I am referring to in the title. There is a scene when Richard Gere and Julia Roberts are in the bathtub and he is talking about how it has taken him a long time to get to the point where he can say those words about his father, "I am angry with him." Every time I recognize something I'm doing either with or without thinking is coming from a place where the fires of fury burn, I think of this scene. Strange, I guess, but usually I take a deep breath, unclench, and think "I am angry with you."

I have written, read, talked and thought a lot about anger. What am I feeling? Who am I feeling it toward? What is the appropriate way to express it? Today with Karen we talked through my feelings that I've been ignoring. My anger with God. I've started to ask a few others who I trust about their feelings, their religious beliefs, their view once their spouse was taken, and I was struck by some of the differences. I think this is a time that I can feel comfortable exploring. That is a strange thing to think about if you have had a close personal relationship with your spirituality and never had to question things. I was very comfortable with what I believed before Mike was killed. Losing him initially caused my relationship with God, my comfort with religion and my belief to grow apart.

One difference that I have noticed is in the matter of trusting God. I often talked with Mike about how we trusted that God would bring him home. We believed that would happen with such strong conviction. When he didn't come home, I didn't know where to turn. I had done what I thought I was supposed to and it didn't work out. I held up my end of the bargain, and God let me down. How do I get that trust back. Several of the women I have discussed this with told me that they didn't necessarily believe that way. (hopefully I am correctly representing my friends here) Many said they hoped and prayed that their loves would come home, but they didn't really trust that God would bring him home safely. They were very real about the possibility that God had a different plan. This is something that has caused me to think, and I love hearing other's opinions.

So anyway, for now, I am angry with him. I struggle with what I believe. I am trying to sort through it.

Opening the flood gates...

2011-01-12T18:48:00.004-06:00

I talked with a friend I trust deeply today and I said something I haven't said out loud at all. Now this may sound bad or incomprehensible, or good, or whatever but for all that I've been through and all that I'm going through and all the thoughts that constantly run through my head I had not said this.

"Hey I've been meaning to call you. I think you'll understand. Is it bad if I say that they are equal? Because it scares me."

I'm being very honest here, but I think I've come to a point where I've been taking small steps backward by keeping a lot in. I've been all hot and bothered about many things lately, and it's because I'm used to getting out, here or in my journal or talking with someone or whatever. All this has just been sitting inside.

When I met Nick, I was not looking for anyone. I didn't think I was ready, I didn't want to find someone, but I was lonely. 15 months without someone was just giving me a physical loneliness that I hadn't experienced. I was lucky (read: SO VERY LUCKY) that the person I met in this time was not a crazy psycho killer, stalker, or just a run-of-the-mill craziness, but instead was the (mostly) sane Nick. I was comfortable in the setting I met Nick. I was comfortable talking about Mike to Nick and after seeing his reaction, I was comfortable knowing that Nick knew Mike and experienced him as a person without knowing me. I believe I was open to the possibility of finding someone to be close to. That was really it, someone to be close to. Someone who somehow could understand even a minute amount of what I had felt and sympathized with those feelings. Someone to talk to and tell everyday things to. Someone to lend a little support.

Things progressed and I just flat out had a great time being around him. We had fun together, and I told very few people about him so that all I had to think about were the fun times we had. I knew I could have some fun. I didn't want anyone's opinion or thoughts and I didn't want to dive into more myself. Then we stumbled through telling my friends, his friends, some of "our" friends and my family. It really helped me to be open with Nick about what I was feeling. I have a natural instinct to bottle it in when I'm upset and hope that miraculously the solution will just unfold and things will be better. I fought this and told him when people reacted and made me mad, or sad. I explained to him the sticky stuff about always loving Mike, about feeling like I'm losing Mike, about worry that I affect people's opinion of him.

So back to my friend, she responded by saying that it may be the first time I let myself realize that truly one isn't in front of the other. That my love for Mike and my love for Nick are completely different, and that's OK. I've always had a difficult time remembering that as my relationship with Nick grows, that takes nothing away from my love for Mike. She reminded me of that. I was not given the choice to continue life with Mike or move in a different direction. I did not wake up one day and realize my love for Mike was gone. He was taken. And I woke up and realized that for me, I need to live a full life with another person. I am strong enough to live alone, and I am confident I could live a life full of purpose that way. I don't want to. I hate being alone in the way that losing Mike made me alone. Mike knew I hated being alone that way. The relationship that Mike and I had led to a connection between us and although we never discussed what to do if something were to happen, I know with everything in me he wouldn't want me to be alone. That may sound very cliche especially to people who have been there and heard others say things like this to you, but if I go past the cliche words and rely on the feelings I know behind them, I can feel the truth. I know he wants me to be happy, just as he always has, and be filled with as much as I possibly can.

We also discussed that the hope between all of us "widows" is that we support the decisions each of us makes for ourselves. We each keep the relationship alive in our memories, what it gave us, and what we took and continue to take from it, and support each other. I've been so worried sometimes about judgement-- but people judge everyday! The ones that matter to me are people who have done this, who have lived this journey in part, or who have lived with me in the past, who are in my life now. All of those people are so supportive of me and of where I am that I see there is no reason to worry. I see others choices as valid choices for them, all of them, and they see mine the same. That support (from widow friends, high school friends, college friends, military friends, etc.) is what makes it worth anything at the end of the day.

So, everyone, thanks for your support. You truly help keep me sane in this insane world :)

Unemployment is for losers

2011-01-12T18:08:00.002-06:00

Ok guys, I think I'm over it. Officially I'm out of money, and bored through and through, and spending way too much time inside my own head. I need to be around other people. I've been telling myself that as I study for the GRE and try to clean up and clear out this place that I should be plenty busy, but I don't have any pressure to actually do it. As I was cleaning everything out I went through a stack of things from my last few jobs and I remembered what it was like to feel like you had a purpose. To be working towards something, to be refining a skill. To practice something, fail a few times and then make it work. To set goals. To work with people you look up to and want to be like, and respect. I miss that part. I miss the people that make the day go by. I miss the random things that would happen to make a day a day. I miss getting ready, hurrying through a day, coming home exhausted with other things still on your to do list, and finally sitting down on the couch exhausted. Weird things to miss I guess, but I do.

I've applied for a few things and we will see how it goes. The last time I job searched I applied for a bunch of stuff and then had trouble tracking what I had and hadn't applied for and why. This time I have applied for 3 jobs and I'm going to wait and see what happens. They are all part-time, and one is something I could do from home, regardless if I get the others or something else. We will see.

Wish me luck :)

Life throws you curves...

2010-12-19T22:53:00.001-06:00

At least this one wasn't as bad as they've been in the past, but it had me scared shittless. Early Friday morning mom had a heart attack. After I hung up the phone with my dad assuring me he was ok and I could hear the helicopter if I listened closely (she was life flighted to a bigger hospital) I didn't move.

Nick said "did your mom just have a heart attack?"

"Yea."

"Do you want to go to the hospital now?"

"Um, dad said he'd call back when he knows more."

I curled into him and cried and he let me. I kept thinking I'm not ready. I'm not ready. The truth is it doesn't matter if we're ready. It doesn't matter at all, and it's pretty scary coming face to face with that knowledge.

In those moments after the phone call I wanted to give her everything I could, everything she wanted from me... A huge wedding, peach flowers, a band, baby's breath, lace, tulle, a litter of grandchildren and live in the house next door.

"Ok," I finally say, "let's go." We get ready and head to the hospital that is about an hour and 15 min from my place.

Once we get there we hear all the details and see my mom and dad and uncle. Mom doesn't look horrible and she walks me through what happened. She woke up at 3am and felt really crappy. She thought it was her anxiety, so did dad. She started sweating and her back hurt, dad tried to calm her down. Then she told my dad her left arm hurt and her chest was starting to hurt. He gave her some aspirin and drove her to the hospital (small town= 5 min drive, max). Once there, the staff took one look at her and rushed her back. She had one artery blocked 99% so they decided to transport her to the other hospital. Once she got there they immediately put the stint in and began assessing everything. She had very minimal heart damage. She has to go back in January for some more work. She should be able to go home tomorrow. She's 55...

Thinking about losing her was so different this time then that fear has ever been for me. I knew I wasn't in control. How crazy for me to ever really think I was. I used to think there was no way I would live through that and now I knew I wasn't ready and that she had more she should be able to do... But I also know this process isn't fair.

Thank you to the few of you who know about what's been going on- your thoughts are much appreciated.

Also, while I'm talking about curve balls, Friday night my grandfather passed away. It's sad because we will all miss him but he was more than ready. He's been in a nursing home for 5 years and can't see or hear or walk. He has some peace now, which he deserves. The sad part is my grandmother is still here, and suffers from dimentia. They've been in the same room at the nursing home and I just have such a hard time believing they have to be separated. They always did everything together. Walked into town to do errands together, had only one car their whole lives because they'd just go together- that type of couple. So that is the part that hurts the most right now. And knowing my dad is sad that his dad is gone. Although it was time, we will always miss him.

December 7, 1941

2010-12-07T10:39:00.007-06:00

I was (kind of) watching the news this morning and the news station was talking with surviving WWII vets about Pearl Harbor and one old man mentioned that no one will remember what happened on this day when all of them are gone. Yes we will! I may not have been there but I will remember this day.

In honor of those lost, injured or present at Pearl Harbor 69 years ago today, I want to know more than the basic facts. Before looking into the events of the day I know that it was a surprise attack by the Japanese that happened on December 7, 1941. Congress voted for war with Japan on December 8, 1941, launching us into WWII. Let's jump in!

Some Facts about the events of the day:
* Pearl Harbor is the Naval Base for the U.S. Pacific Fleet. Pearl Harbor is the headquarters of the U.S. Pacific Fleet.

* Pearl Harbor has 10 square miles of navigable water. The harbour is on the southern coast of Oahu. The harbour is artificially improved.

* A U.S. embargo on necessary supplies for war prompted the attack on Pearl Harbor.

* A U.S. Army private who noticed the large flight of planes on his radar screen was told to ignore them because a flight of B-17s from the continental U.S. was expected at the time.

* The Japanese attack force was under the command of Admiral Nagumo. Japansese force consisted of six carriers with 423 planes. The Japanese fleet had 30 ships. The Japanese Admiral Yamamoto Isoroku planned the attack with great care.

* At 6 a.m. the first Japanese attack wave of 83 planes took off. The air raid lasted until about 9:45 a.m.

* Three prime targets escaped damage, the U.S. Pacific Fleet aircraft carriers, the Lexington, Enterprise and Saratoga. They were not in the port when the attack took place. The power station, shipyard, maintenance, and fuel and torpedo storage facilities, as well as the submarine piers and headquarters building (also home of the intelligence section) were not attacked.

* Four U.S. Navy battleships were sunk (two of which were raised and returned to service later in the war) and all of the four other battleships present were damaged. The Japanese also sank or damaged three cruisers, three destroyers, an anti-aircraft training ship[8] and one minelayer. 188 U.S. aircraft were destroyed, 2,402 personnel were killed[9] and 1,282 were wounded.

* Japanese losses were light, with 29 aircraft and five midget submarines lost, and 65 servicemen killed or wounded. One Japanese sailor was captured.

* On December 8, 1941, Congress declared war on Japan with only one vote against it. The vote against it was of Representative Jeannette Rankin of Montana, who had also voted against U.S. entry into World War I.

* A white concrete and steel structure now spans the hull of the sunken ship as a memorial. The memorial was dedicated on May 30, 1962.

Thank you to those who have been personally touched by the incidents at Pearl Harbor as you are forever imbedded into the history of America!

Sources:
http://www.erikanderson.net/pearlharbor/facts.html
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Attack_on_Pearl_Harbor

2010-12-04T09:03:00.001-06:00

6:15am

I could blame lily, she hasn't found a spot to be comfortable all night. She needed to go out so dang early. I had already been fighting a world class headache so we got up at 515 and I let her out and took some excedrine. Then we laid back down. Then it started, out of nowhere.

Curling up in the Left side of my head I had this flash of pinching mike up at the airport. Just the regular pick ups. He would always check his bag so when I met him in baggage claim he'd just come walking down the stairs with nothing but a big smile, haha. I always miss him but haven't felt the strong need to see him like I did at that moment. I was overwhelmed, laying in Bed in tears, convincing myself that this would not help my (usually stress triggered) headache.

I used to talk to him all the time. I still talk to him a lot but I mean it used to be all the time. I said to him, i just miss you. I'm ok, but man do I miss you. Please know that I always miss you, your warmth, your blue eyes, your smile. You're an amazing person and I knew that before you were gone. Now we get the chance to make sure as many people as possible know that the world was better because you were in it. Not just my world, the whole world.

Decorating

2010-12-01T08:58:00.006-06:00

I haven't decorated for Christmas since the first Christmas Mike was deployed. I decorated so that I could take pictures and send them to him. This year I have been compelled by some of the people closest to me to decorate, just a little at a time. Yesterday I got a little done, and it has been a nice adjustment because in the process I also have to clean up the house. A little 2-for-1 there.

The Television

The staircase (kind of a work in progress)

I think one of my widow friends put it perfectly. She said that she was always in love with Christmastime. Last year was her first Christmas without her husband and it was so close to his death she didn't even want to think about it. This year she's decided that the way her husband used to make fun of her for getting so excited about Christmas was one of the many ways he showed his love for her, and because he loved that about her, she would continue to be that way. It's a great thing to remember how to be yourself, the "you" that drew in your mate, and be able to embrace that again :)

Happiness

2010-12-01T08:41:00.002-06:00

This year's Thanksgiving was different from the last few I've had. I remember getting ready before we were about to eat and taking a minute to absorb that the weight of grief wasn't there. Not at that moment. I just felt nice, solid happiness. I told myself to just feel it. I teared up at the overwhelming thought that this was actually possible when for so long it felt like it could never be, or that I didn't want it. I miss him, but I know he's proud and happy that I am able to be happy. That is an understanding between us. So this year's Thanksgiving was filled with story telling, food, laughter, sunshine, football, red wine, wii bowling, happiness, remembering, missing my family, shopping, German beer, and some happy downtime.

A little Thanks and a little Giving

2010-11-24T12:10:00.007-06:00

(Note: I'm writing this on my phone at the airport so it won't look as beautiful and put together as I try to make posts look. Please bear with spelling mistakes etc. I'm having trouble scrolling...)

First, today is the last day to vote for my friend and founder of the American Widow Project, Taryn Davis for L'Oreals women of worth competition. The winner will receive $25,000. For the AWP this would be amazing and help to cover the costs of the events we do, help them happen more often, help fun more information packets and DVDs of tge documentary be sent to new military widows. I know there are many of you who follow who are part of a military family and you can understand and appreciate the importance of reaching out to the countries military widows and widowers. Take a min to vote, it just needs your email, and share with family and friends who understand as well. http://www.womenofworth.com/Honorees/Honoree2010Detail.aspx?nomid=d31a0c41-702c-4948-84f1-b0825af540aa

Thank you to those who have voted already from the millions of Facebook messages, emailed etc. And I've gotten so many comments back from emails, yes Taryn is gorgeous ;)

Keeping with the Thanksgiving spirit, I'd like to do a little shout out to some things I'm thankful for this year that I didn't have last year. Taryn, above, and Tatiana, Allison, Kim, TT, Tabatha, Mara, Glenda, LaNita, Brooke, Danielle, Candice, Mandy, Laura, Casie, and All the widows I've personally met in the last year- I am immeasurably thankful for the things you've taught me, given me, and shared with me. I am a world away from where I was last year at this time and I look forward to the future with all of your friendships!

Nick! Last year at this time I never would have imagined meeting and falling for you. But I was beginning to be open to living my life in the truest way possible for me, and you collided with me at the right time. You've helped me and taught me it's ok to rely on someone again while still being able to hold on and honor my past. More thankful I could not be :)

I could thank for hours but the last people I'll thank this year that I'm sure I barely acknowledged last year are me best friends Husbands: Pat, Rick, and Ryan. In the last year I've seen amazing friends shine with love ad they've committed the rest of their lives to you. Although it's sometimes hard to balance friends and your significant other I am so glad that these women have found men who allow them to experience joy and love that can only come from you. Keep it up!!

I hope everyone has a holiday filled with love, warmth, memories and laughter, and of couse some thanksgiving!

Re-sharing an interesting post

2010-11-18T20:40:00.002-06:00

This has nothing to do with me but I read this article a few days ago after seeing it posted on several friends facebook pages. It's a little long but I promise when you begin reading it you'll know it's worth it. I keep refering back to it throughout the last few days while I'm walking Lily or sitting in class or passing through Target. Take a minute and read it- great message.

Brave Girl's Club- Seeing past what it seems

Worth it?

2010-11-16T13:39:00.006-06:00

I feel stuck somewhere between two worlds that I don't know how to be part of. I am having an identity crisis, a little bit anyway. I don't know how to know what I want. That sounds crazy but I somehow got very comfortable with being so sad. I was comfortable with who I was and I identified with so many newly widowed friends. Pain, sadness, embracing the dreary, it all got confused in my head and became the same thing as being true to Mike. Somehow the grief depression became one with my devotion to him. Now I am in this place that (as I think I've said about 10 million times on here) I didn't think I'd be. I'm happy but realizing things are getting serious and now that I am allowing that to happen, so are a flood of feelings I am willing to acknowledge. Complicated feelings, and things I'm not sure I should feel/not feel, mention/not mention, whatever. I feel misunderstood by pretty much everyone. I feel like I have to constantly clarify myself. I put too much emphasis on the words people use and how that makes me feel.

I feel misunderstood because I don't understand where I am.

It bothers me so much that it bothers me at all. That makes zero sense.

Things with Mike were so easy. It's hard to say now because looking back of course it seems magical and heavenly and nothing short of a miracle. We were blissfully ignorant of the way life could be and we stumbled into something terrific. Now I am happy again, but because of what I know it can't be that way. It gives me a different appreciation and thankfulness for Nick and how he must feel to jump into this and be a part of something more difficult than he may have been looking for.

I may be relying too much on other people in similar situations to create my identity. I know so few and I can't keep looking around for other examples. I'm over following the examples of someone else to validate what I am doing. Why do I need this validation?! I am ok where I am and there intrinsically no problems.

I'm tired of trying so hard to "be myself". That shouldn't be difficult. I swear that I will try my hardest to stop thinking and looking and dissecting so much and just follow what I feel inside.

Maybe there is a chance I can be blissfully happy with change, with the unknown, and let go of the judgements I am somehow putting on myself. It's worth a try :)

Growing Pains

2010-11-05T09:26:00.004-05:00

When I was younger I would wake up in the middle of the night with these horrible pains running up and down my shins. I'd yell for my mom and dad and someone would wake up and come lay with me, rub my shins until the pain subsided and I fell asleep. Growing pains.

Things were simple then. I'd experience pain, either big or small, call for my parents, and they'd come and take care of me. Once they got there I didn't have to worry, I laied my worries on them. They made things better for me as I fell into a safe, easy place.

Growing pains follow you. Currently I am at a place I didn't think I would be with someone who hasn't been here before. This makes for long, interesting discussions and spending too much time inside my head searching for an answer. I know their aren't answers to everything, but I miss the time when there were. But things aren't simple. Life isn't black and white. I'm ok with living in the gray, working through the mush, struggling to a solution that we can live with.

Although I miss the simple times, the growing pains are worth it. Living is worth it.

Triumphant 10 Miles

2010-10-27T10:29:00.013-05:00

Specifics:
22048 HRVATIN, STACEY F26

Net
1:40:59

Overall
13289 /21636

Sex
4526/9581

Div
990/1941

6.5Mi Split
1:06:22

Net Time
1:40:59

Pace
10:05

Army 10 Miler complete! :) Let me recap for you. Friday was an extremely bad day, sort of out of nowhere. Other people interfering in my healing process cause me to wonder what the heck I am supposed to do because no matter what I do someone has got something to say. Although I hit a little rough patch and was not looking forward to the extremely active weekend, Nick said one of the sweetest things. I was talking with him on the phone emoting how I just didn't know what to do anymore. "I can say with complete confidence, you continue to do what you are doing." Ah, just what I needed.

So I get ready Saturday morning and we get to the airport hop on our plane take a one-hour bumpy flight into Baltimore, bus from the airport to the rental car building, rent the car, stop for a healthy Panera lunch, ride into DC to the Armory to pick up our packets. It was overwhelming because of the sheer amount of people there at the Expo. Amanda and I got our packets with our bibs and our awesome long sleeve t-shirt and browse the fun gear. Next we head to our hotel, through A LOT of DC construction traffic. We checked in, freshened up, and headed to one of Mike's friends (from officer training) in-laws house. It was a good night of catching up, getting the 411 on this race, carbing up and consuming large amounts of water.

Laying down to sleep I started to get very nervous I would be claustrophobic during the race. Once my mind calmed down the 5:15 am alarm came nice and early. We got up and got ready, ate a Powerbar, drank some Gatorade and off we went. We were in the second group to start so we followed the time schedule and then lined up to start. Nervous nervous! Once we started it was great. I was also worried I would hate running without my ipod (because I DO hate running without my ipod) but I hardly even noticed. We had a great pace and Amanda was a very motivating running partner. There is one part of the course when you retrace the way you previously went so while we were running approx the 5th mile there were people on the other side of the road running the 7th back toward the end. When we hit the 8th mile I was not sure my legs would make it. My muscles felt very fatigued. I knew I would finish, I just wanted to slow down. I let Amanda get ahead of me for a while and I would keep an eye on her and if she got too far I would hustle closer to her. At one point I told her to go ahead and I'd meet her at the finish line. "Nope," she said calmly, "we're doing this together." So I grabbed some energy from somewhere and we hit the last mile. The best part was coming around that last curve, seeing all the spectators, and finding the people with our matching t-shirts, cheering for us! Then the last straight away we both just looked at each other and sprinted (or what we had left of a sprint). Crossed the finish line holding hands, hugged after that, we did it! Then we were corralled into the banana/water/spectator area. Found our friends, took some pictures, waited for a few more of our party to finish.

I ran with garb all over me. Our shirts were in honor of Mike, I had my AWP pin on my shoe so that when I looked down I could focus on all of us who have done this exhausting race in real life. I had both Mike's dog tags and Nick's dog tags tucked in safe keeping, and my mother's cross around my neck. I needed to draw strength from everyone that day.

I'm sad I didn't meet up with some of my friends that were in town for the race or other things that day. Little bit of a bummer, but after the race I was so exhausted and we just didn't have much time. We also stopped by Arlington because Mike's mom and sister wanted to see section 60. I showed them some spots that belong to husbands of my friends, and we were amazed at the amount of new plots with plastic markers and no headstones yet. Hard to fathom how recently they were walking this earth. I was sobering but an appropriate wrap up to the weekend, reminding us why we did this race.

More pictures of the actual race to come!

Nothing Cohesive.

2010-10-20T10:42:00.005-05:00

Ok it's kinda of crazy how people are on the same wavelength. I have been struggling with my identity lately and it's something I'm aware of but can't figure out how to fix. Not even how to start. I don't exactly know who this person is that feels happy now. I don't know what to do when I lay down in bed and don't spend hours crying and wishing for some type of peace. That may sound weird, because while I was there all I wanted was peace, relief, acceptance. Now that I feel closer I'm so confused. (sounds like the grass is always greener type of thing).

I was just talking with a widow friend last night and explaining that everything just seems more complicated now. Having a relationship is difficult to begin with and this suitcase of baggage that I am not willing to give up does not make it easier. Not that that is what Mike is to me, just what losing him has given me. The two men who notified me should have just brough me biggest one they could find and said "here you go- you're gonna take this everywhere from here on out." I am happy that I can have really great (sometimes repeated becasue I need to hash everything out) discussions about the things I'm feeling uncomfortable with because I know that that is something I need to have if someone plans to be with me. Sometimes those differing opinions sting because they hit so deep.

In other news-- The Army 10-Miler is Sunday! WOOOO! I am ready, I am a runner, I am going to finish this race, and it is going to be awesome. (This is what I repeat to myself throughout the days now.) I am excited to experience the race, the atmosphere, the whole thing. I'm very nervous. While I was running yesterday I decided that I just need to remember to keep my head up and take everything in. I could care less about my time, just that I finish the race. I know physically I can run ten miles without dying. So I'm there for the experience; to meet the thousands of other people and know their stories; to tell them about Mike; to meet some fellow widows who I've never met in person; to share this with Mike's sister Amanda, and his mom and friends; to look around and realize I'm running past the Capitol or the Washington Monument. To cross that freaking finish line and feel a little bit more (*bad ass*) proud of myself! :)

Revealing my points of anger.

2010-10-13T05:16:00.005-05:00

In the early hours of the morning when lily wakes me up to go outside we do our business and usually go back to bed for a bit. These are the hours that deep thoughts start to cross my mind, maybe because I'm less trained to fight them when I'm half asleep. I am back in bed, doing this sort of stretching/meditation I do. I tend to sleep all crunched up in various forms of the fetal position which makes my back and leg muscles less than happy in the morning. Stretching helps them feel better and gives me time to breathe and let go. This morning as I was doing this a thought that seems obvious now that I recognize it floated to the surface. I am angry that life has me back in this situation. I am angry that I have to do it again. It feels like some kind of cruel joke.

I have met someone who I didn't think existed. That's really the best way for me to put it. He's jumped on my crazy train and has been a very sturdy source of support for me. Without diving into all the specific details of Nick (unless you want to hear them, ha) he has patience beyond measure and has walked forward with me and then taken a pause when I throw up my arms and tell him I'm too overwhelmed and things need to slow down. I very rarely look into the future. It doesn't matter what or how much I plan because life has it's own plan. Nick is a planner. I think it's something he was born with but his career dictates that he maintain that point of view. Nick's in the army.

Now you see. How did this happen? What is my deal? So these are the things occupying my mind lately.

I'm giving you a big hug. Can you feel it?

2010-09-29T22:31:00.002-05:00

I really can't thank you all enough for sharing with me how you cope with the angers in your life. I didn't expect as many responses as I got and believe me I take them all to heart. I just began reading "Fury" the book that Bana suggested and I'm living it. I'm alreading foreseeing myself reading it again once I'm finished. It's great for me personally because it's written from a place of experience and self-exploration and it's not too close for comfort to be able to read. I love it in a professional sense because she was researching so muchvwhen she wrote it that she backs up her ideas and is slowly giving me a list of other books I will investigate. Some of you bloggie friends know that I'm going back to school and am currently working towards my masters in counseling and this is such a topic of interest for me. Anyway- long-winded but there it is. Big fat thank you hug :)

Survey says...

2010-09-29T22:03:00.006-05:00

Ok I've been tagged in a survey game and because of my true love for these people I will participate :) I'm not the hugest survey fan but here goes!

Mandy Deatest asked:
1. If you could pick one year of your life that you would say is the best, what year would it be?
Holy cow I do not know. The entire year of 2007 is the only whole year I knew and loved Mike while he was here with me so I'll pick that one.

2. Is there one place, no matter how far, that you wish you could run away to?
I wish when I want to run away I could go to my parent's house circa 1990. When I was young and it was safe and they could fix everything.

3. How did you and your lovie meet? (Most of of my blog peeps are my widsters, and I love hearing these stories!)
Mike and I met through friends on a random Fris
Friday night and once we started talking I never wanted to stop. That's the simple version :)

4. If you could find out how you are going to die, would you?
No I'm Slightly afraid I wouldn't live then.

5. If you had the choice of mind reading or knowing the future, what would you pick and why?
Im going with mind reading only because it would be a benefit to me at that moment. And it'd be neat.

6. If you could have one wish granted, what would it be?
Peace. For my family. For my friends. For the world. And for me.

7. Can you unwrap a Starburst with your tongue?
Hells ya. Practiced in like 7th grade

8. Are you afraid of dying?
No I am not. Obviously I've got someone warming up the party for me ;)

Ok now for my Lovely Allison:
1. If you could have lunch with any famous person who would it be and why?
I'm bad at small talk and I'd say dumb stuff like "I love your commercials" (haha) or something but I would love to have lunch with any US President, past or present.

2. Describe your dream house.
On a lake, with a big back porch and rocking chairs. Losts of wood. Really amazing kitchen because if were not outside in the lake or on the porch were in the kitchen. The best master bathroom ever. So much room and a big tub and corner shower. Yes :)

3. If you could start your life all over again, would you change anything? why or why not?
No I don't think I would becasue if I change something I am afraid it would lead to some other change down the road that maybe wasn't what a I would want.

4. When you were growing up, what did you want to be?
Happy

5. What are your favorite stores to shop at?
Hmm target, tj Maxx, marshalls, pier one, world market, banana republic

6. What is your favorite holiday?
This one is difficult for me because it's completely changed. I think maybe new years eve and day because it's a celebration and chance to start again in whatever way you want.

7. Describe your perfect day.
Oh man. I can't even begin to imagine what would encompass my 'perfect day'

8. Please list your favorite TV show, movie, and band.
My favortie TV show is Friends. I watch it in reruns anytime I see that it's on :) My favorite movie depends on my mood. I enjoy Pretty Woman, Walk the Line, Wedding Crashers, and Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. Favorite Band = Dave Matthews Band although lately my taste is still evolving. They are a long-time love of mine and I try to stay loyal!

Ok I'm not tagging anyone because I'm pretty sure everyone I follow has been tagged. Love you all- sorry it took me a little while to get to the surveys!

I need to ask you a question.

2010-09-20T14:42:00.003-05:00

I do. I need to ask you a question because (almost) 2 years later I still don't know the proper way to "feel" my anger. Once last year my counselor asked me what I used to do when I was angry, before losing Mike. I told her I didn't know. What did I have to be all that angry about? I've tried several things, maybe more than several things. I don't know what to do to release this anger. All the activities I've tried have been a let down. I've broken glass, but the clean was more tedious than I'd expected. I've beat up pillows, and my bed and that seems so easy. I've written, but lately I don't even feel like it. I'd vent, but I have nothing new to say. I've taken it out on Lily (not too crazy or anything!) by yelling at her for nothing, but that really just makes me feel worse. A couple weeks ago I was shooting with some friends and afterward I didn't feel like I had expected.

What do you do that I haven't done?

What if I have to carry the weight of this all my life?

The Weather

2010-09-16T11:21:00.005-05:00

I walked outside today with Lily feeling a little heavy, or a little lazy, or a little of both. I'm struck by the weather and I immediately think, "This is what it was like." The funny thing about that thought is that I don't really remember what it was like outside in those days after we found out Mike was gone. I remember being in the Medder's backyard a lot, so it couldn't have been that cold. I remember the day he came home was the same weekend that Avon Lake had their homecoming football game and dance, how ironic. I remember the day of the funeral the funeral director, Bob, talking with my parents about how I wouldn't be warm enough outside in my dress, and they said they brought a coat. He mentioned that I was already shaking, and I turned around and said "It's not from the weather." I remember shaking a lot, but I don't ever remember being cold. Is it weird that he came back home to the weather that was his favorite. To the season he had missed the most? The first fall he was gone I took pictures of leaves and trees and our porch in the fall and sent them to him so that he could get a little taste. I remember him telling me he appreciated that, but that he'd rather I send pictures of me, ha. Football season was his favorite. Ohio State, the Browns, Avon Lake, and old stories, he loved that sport for all the amazing memories it gave him. Now it was wrapping up his life.

It feels so long ago. This week at dinner I was telling a friend that I remember being 4 months out and knowing of people at the 2 year mark and beyond and thinking I had no clue how I would make it that far. Most days now it all feels like a distant memory. I'm comfortable with how I think and feel now, even though it is so different from what I expected. How did I become comfortable with such an unfamiliar way of life. I couldn't believe it when it was happening, and I can't believe it now looking back. It was a time in my life that I'm still sure should have been a movie, not the real thing.

I will be blunt, ha. I am ultra-sensitive this time of year. I feel like many important people in my life are gone, or in a new, less-reoccurring role, and asking so much of me. On this second year I have found that I need everyone to remember that no matter how far I am from the day that Mike was killed I will always have a difficult time with that anniversary.
Always.
Every single year.

That may be hard to realize, or that may not make sense but it's my truth.

"Run for the Fallen"

2010-08-30T19:37:00.002-05:00

August 28 I ran for the fallen. As part of my list, I wanted to finish a race. I have been training for the Army 10-Miler in October and wanted to do a race before this so that I wouldn't be caught off guard by little "race-like" things, protocol, pressure, whatever. Nick found a perfect race and registered us both for the Run for the Fallen 5K at Ft. Leonard Wood in Missouri. I wasn't sure I'd be able to do it because I intended to start my drive back home on Saturday and finish it Sunday. I was able to move some things around and push back so that I could run. I got excited thinking it fulfilled my wish to run a practice race before the big race. I was not nervous at all to finish a 5K (3.2 miles) because I often run 3 miles as my workout during the week. And I got to run with some people I know, and families, and "for the fallen." What better reason?! We got there Saturday morning and the weather was perfect- it couldn't have been more than 60 degrees when we arrived, and maybe 70 when we began the race.

Favorable conditions...

In the midst of my excitement I forgot to remember what we were remembering that day. We were not just running a race to run a race. And so before the race began, gold star families from the area were recognized. We talked all about how we should never forget. How we are each running a mile for every service member that has been lost. How those we have known, even just as an acquaintance, should always be remembered for their sacrifice. I stood in that crowd, not the small group of gold star families, but as part of the mass of people. Some required to be there by their superior officers, or were doing a group activity, or were support their spouse by jogging along side.

I sat there, mesmerized into the cloud of people with their running gear and race t-shirts, unsure how to acknowledge that I had more than just an acquaintance I was running for.

So we began the run, and all I kept thinking, however trivial, was how I wished I had brought my AWP t-shirt and was wearing that so that people knew, and I could spread the word if need-be. Oh, and of course REPRESENT and draw strength from my ladies. But alas, as I stated earlier, my excited little brain forgot to prepare for this race.

We began to run, masses of people, dogs, strollers, down a gravel path then up a road. Slightly unorganized and a little chaotic but nothing my trained mind for positive self talk couldn't get me out of. I can do this.

Up the hill, around a little bend. We're talking to friends, I'm losing my breath.

I begin to feel this small, deeply buried ball of swirling anger that burns in the way I expect the sun to burn, with hopping lava spots and a bright, hot core. It swells, my positive self talk is drowning, and I can't bring back my calm, rational, running-trained brain and the things I know to be true about me and my running. It always starts off rough, I get warmed up, and if I'm having fun I can knock out mile on top of mile without hesitation. But into the rough is all the farther I got before the anger got to me.

I slow down, deciding I'll do it on my own. Separate from the pack and get serious. Nick looks back and slows a little to stay with me. "You ok?" I nod yes. "Want water?" I nod no. I also know that if I stop, it is very very difficult for me to begin again.

I don't know exactly when, but I'm suddenly overwhelmed by the chanting. Now even just sitting here typing this, the chanting stirs up such madness in me that I can't believe I didn't freak on someone as the troops swallowed me into their formations and passed by on either side. So running, swallowed by these drones, I look forward, fuming. Nick looks back, and lets them know they need to shift right.

I have a little space, but the chanting fucks with my head on so many levels. I didn't expect this. I didn't expect any of this. But I will not quit. Deep breaths. We hit the turn around point, and I slow even more. I don't even know at this point how many troops have swallowed me and spit me out. The thought of it happening again is all that is in my head.

Keep going. Keep going.

The stress makes my brain think in ways I can't control as well as I'd like. I can't do it. My stomach hurts. My head is throbbing. I want to cry but I can't even figure out how. I tell Nick I have to walk. I walk. He walks beside me. I tell him it's ok, he can finish, go ahead. "I'm not leaving you."

So we walk. I wanted to get the cry out, then begin to run again. but I couldn't find it. I knew it was there and I couldn't get it out. We walked for longer than I liked. Longer than he liked too. Then we ran again, slowly, but I knew I could finish at that pace. "See the stadium? We're almost there."

We finished and I looked up at the race clock that said something like 35:00. Awesome time. I walk into the grass. "Stace. Stace!" I walk to the shade. I need to sit in the grass in the shade. That's all I need right now. "I need the shade!" I sit. Nick goes to look for water. I put my head down.

I didn't expect that. I should have been prepared.

We catch our breath, walk back to the truck, drink the water we had there. We are both disgruntled about different things, but we agree that at least we did it. It was for the Fallen. That's a cause close to our hearts.

P.S. also, check off Breakfast at Tiffany's :)

Oh, hey there

2010-08-26T11:26:00.004-05:00

It's been too long. We need to catch up. Ok, ok, yea it was mostly my fault. Ok all my fault. I haven't been updating you like I need to. I've lacked the inspiration to write when I've had the time, and felt the inspiration sleeping in bed in the middle of the night when laziness takes over. I appologize, dear friends, as I get back to keeping you updated on the inner workings of my mind and my world. I have school begining, a race to be training for (its in October!), and more ideas on my mind than I know what to do with. This has caused me to get somewhat bogged down and turned off.

I am making an effort to remember that I do not need to waste energy on what people say or think about me, but invest that energy into doing what is truly me. The authentic version of myself is all I can be.

I want to share a FANTASTIC blog with you by one of my most inspiring and intelligent friends. It's called Principles of Uncertainty. She began the blog as a list of things she wanted to accomplish, some big, some small, some in all shapes and sizes. I thought it was a great way to remind yourself of the things you want to do and keep track of the great things you've done lately. I follow this blog, and also began a list of my own for some of the same reasons. You will see that my list is set up in much of the same way that she used (cough, cough: exact same). Today I will share some of the items on my list with you :) I'll keep you updated when I accomplish any of these.

Oh the places you’ll go:
1. Visit the Grand Canyon
2. Visit Greece
3. Visit Seattle (2/12/2010)
4. Visit somewhere in Colorado
5. Visit Amanda Fedunok in PA (Dec 2008)
6. Visit Jenny and Pat in Arizona
7. Visit Adam and Katie in Kansas (Jan 1, 2010)
8. Visit Tatiana in Jacksonville, FL (Jan 29, 2010)
9. Take AWP Trip (Jan 29-Feb 1, 2010)
10. Visit Matt in Cincy (August 18, 2010)
11. Visit Justina’s new house(April 28th, 2010)
12. Travel to FL once the Medder’s have a condo (2/20/2010)
13. Take a picture along Rt 66
14. Take a meditation/yoga retreat

Train the Brain
1. Learn some more about Wine
2. Learn to drive a manual transmission vehicle
3. Work on remembering names
4. Do a proper push-up. And then be able to do 25 in a row.
6. Take a creative writing class (started 12/1/09)
7. Back to school- CSU

Home, Sweet Home
1. Paint the master bathroom (10/11/09-- but must be redone)
2. Final touches on the master bathroom
4. Find and purchase New bedding that I really like (1/10/2010) and again (8/11/2010)
5. Purchase a new bed frame (4/5/2010)
6. Put the flag pole back up (11/18/09)
7. Purchase, frame and hang “men on the beam” picture in the kitchen
8. Re-do the kitchen
9. Paint/organize/clean/decorate laundry room
10. Get the couch cleaned (3/30/2010)
11. Downstairs bathroom ceiling fixed
16. Organize garage closet
17. Organize kitchen ‘pantry’- can we use it as a pantry!? (May 2010)
18. New light in the stairwell hallway (May 2010)
19. New light in kitchen hallway

Just because I want to
1. Go to every class type at bally’s, just to try it.
2. Shoot a gun
3. Run a race (5K, 10K, whatever)—Registered for Army 10Miler Ocotober 24, 2010
4. Watch AWP video (11/29/09)
5. Ski
6. Skydive ( AWP get away- 5/20/2010)
7. Go whitewater rafting
8. Meet Casie for dinner (finally! June 23, 2010)
9. Go to a group counseling session (12/9/09)
10. Write my will
11. Get a financial advisor – met Shelia 11/17/09
12. Get my rings insured
13. Swim with Dolphins (Jan 30, 2010)
14. Watch “Breakfast at Tiffanys”
15. Re-read “To Kill a Mockingbird”
16. Read “Catch 22”
17. Donate blood 2x
18. Volunteer somewhere with Animals
19. Volunteer (Feb 2, 2010- current at Boys and Girls Club)
20. Eat MahiMahi (Jan 30, 2010)
21. Spend 24 hours straight outside

Professional
1. Update my resume (Jan 22, 2010)
2. Send 1 article to TAPS magazine (sent April 6, 2010)
3. Get published somewhere other than TAPS
4. Start a business, and keep track financially (April 2010)

Lily Related
3. Teach Lily to “roll over”
4. Teach Lily to “be quiet”
5. Be active with Lily to keep her at or within 1lb of 27lbs

There you go- red ones are done as of the date beside them. I'm doing pretty well :)

P.S. I promise to keep up with the blogging!

Where the Road Meets the Sun and more

2010-08-06T19:29:00.002-05:00

I can't take credit for finding this song. It's just on repeat tonight, and I found this video. Black and White, live, perfect. Enjoy

Even better:
Wish You Well

2010-08-06T09:54:00.003-05:00

Is it bad that I love rainy days? Today seems to be shaping up to be pretty gray and rainy. It's been pouring for a while now. I feel like it's a little more acceptable to lay around in my pjs and watch movies or surf the world wide web if its gray and crappy out. It's like the world saying, "Hey, take today off." Off from what I'm not sure, haha, but it's permission to be off.

Last night I layed down in bed and thought, "Why don't you just come down and lay with me in this extremely comfortable bed and we will pretend for a few hours that none of this happened and all we've really experienced is happiness." Wouldn't that be nice. Even if it didn't happen the way I had secretly wished, I slept pretty soundly, waking up occasionally to see Lily was cuddled against me.

...Sigh. Those moments are great, too.

2010-08-03T10:58:00.002-05:00

Do you follow my LilyLynn Designs blog?? Check it out and follow me there too >> let me know what you think!

xoxo

Time

2010-07-31T09:43:00.002-05:00

This is a copycat post from my friend Tary's blog but after I read it, I wanted to know how long, in days, Mike's been gone. It's a little bit tourturous but I felt that it was something I needed to check out.

675 Days.
1 year 10 months 7 days

Now I know that is a lot of days, but when I read the number I really feel like I've been though at least double that. I mean some days seem so long, especially at the begining. It didn't really make me upset to see the number but it made me realize how close we are coming to the 2 year mark. I knew it was right around the corner but see that breakdown made me nervous for that event. I have already decided that this year's September 24, 25 will be much more calm than last years, at the very least. I have a problem the night of the 24th (when he passed) into the morning of the 25th (when we found out). At least that was my big moment last year. Anyway, not the point of this post...

I got curious to see how many days Mike and I knew each other. We were nearing our 2 year anniversary when everything happened.

698 days.
1 year 10 months 28 days.

That hurts me more. I know that my relatinship with Mike has only changed now and I feel more secure in that fact (now more than ever) but that one slaps me in the face. I want more time. We want more time. Really? That's it? When the other number keeps growing and this number is frozen... that doesn't seem fair. I didn't know we were that close to the crossover. That close to the day when he will have been gone longer than we knew each other. Wow, time can be so tricky.

Calculating something>> here's the site

Old future, you haunt me.

2010-07-29T20:22:00.003-05:00

There is this family I admire from afar. I am friends with the wife. I check up on her blog and I look at the pictures she posts on facebook. I see the holidays they celebrate. I admire the beauty in the way she describes the days of their life filled with such positivity and joy. I do it just long enough to realize that was my dream.

Things have been better. I had a great 4-day weekend with some of my truest friends and we talked more than I have in the last month, I'm sure. Sometimes I sit back and listen. I listen and evaluate to see if I feel the same way, or differently, or if my saying anything would benefit the conversation. Sometimes I sit back and listen just to take it all in, rather than try to formulate what I want to say next. I had a much-needed great time, especially following a not-so-good night when it hit me that it was the last day I saw Mike. I remember thinking this weekend "I'm really going to be ok." I can see the future, even if it is only the rest of the year, shaping up to be decent. I can see Mike being proud of me. I can see more smiles and happy times through the next several months. I haven't really thought that before. I haven't thought "This could be a real life. I could do this. If I keep these women around me, I can do it."

If I keep these women around me I can do it. And when I can't, I can fall on them. They will help me.

So the pain, in most moments, is less intense. One thing that still causes me pain are the things that Mike didn't get to do. More specifically the children we didn't get to have. When I say "He wanted to be a dad so bad" I wish I could convey the gravity of it. It was one of the biggest things he looked forward to. Talking about it for me was something wayyyy in the future, after we got ourselves and our plan together. For him, it lit up his eyes. Right then, at the moments we would talk about it, he'd get so excited he could hardly stand it. It makes me sad that those people will never be. The people he would have made will never walk this earth. His children would have so much to be happy for, so much to be proud of. It is very difficult to let go of those amazing people, the ones I saw us parenting. When I lost Mike, I never wanted to think of children again. No children but the children we would have had. I can't see it any differently. I miss him and I miss them, and I'm sad that I couldn't do that for him.

So when I see this family and all the beauty that comes from their stories it takes me back there, and as I heal these broken parts that can't really be fixed, I am learning how to deal with the pain that resides.

(note- in all actuality, I could be talking about several families, all smashed into one)

It's all I need

2010-07-19T20:44:00.003-05:00

I don't know. Sometimes I escape in this beautiful world where things can feel right, and better than they have in a long time. And now, moments after, I feel guilty. Hold on-- I don't feel guilty that by having a good time I'm betraying Mike at all. I know that man, inside and out, and I know there is nothing in the world he wants more for me than to be happy. He would have done (will still do??) anything in his power to make that happen.

See... here's where I take an unplanned break- because that sentence is all I need. It's all I need. I feel it. Once I typed it, put it in real words, I know it and I know how true it is. And never for a second do I feel that living my life is something Mike would be upset about. It is difficult to live my life now, and not the one we pictured. It makes my heart ache that he can't live out all the things he dreamed of doing. Those thoughts make me sad. But I know I have him right here with me, happy that I'm strong enough to venture out again. That he made me strong enough, courageous enough, and unlocked the feeling of love inside of me, so that I am able to venture out again.

Anyway, I say that sentence is all I need to remember and that is so true, but I have been worried lately about the approval of friends. Weird, because I know that true friends want nothing but me to be happy as well. Why do I consume myself with the negative thoughts that may (or may not) come from those around me? Why is it somewhere in my head I feel like I'm leaving him behind? One of my friends describes it as swimming against the current, having to turn around, swim back, and bring him forward with me. I probably butchered that but hopefully the analogy makes sense. Maybe it's not that I actually feel like I'm leaving him behind, but that I feel like I have to prove to everyone that I'm not. I think everyone expects that he gradually moves from my life, and since the day he passed I have had this thought in my head that I will show them, I will show them all. Why do I think I must prove these things? Who must I prove them too?? This is not somewhere I've been before and not something I've worried about before, not something I've ever planned to worry about.

Things that Spoke to me today

2010-07-13T21:49:00.006-05:00

Quick Blog Update

2010-07-13T13:36:00.000-05:00

Quick update:
Check it out- and maybe follow me there too :)

http://lilylynndesigns.blogspot.com/

The World of the Living

2010-07-08T20:15:00.002-05:00

My counselor told me today that through the last couple sessions she has gotten the feeling that I have "rejoined the world of the living." We both laughed a little, but as I began to think about what she said I feel like she's right in a lot of ways. I told her that it began in December, when I knew about the AWP get away and anxiously awaited the email so I could call Taryn and say PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE let me come! I remember telling my parents on the phone it was the first time I began looking forward to something. I hadn't in so long. I knew Tatiana could go, so not only was it this trip I was anticipating but also meeting my long lost sister! Literally the end of December begining of January I felt him with me, but pushing me forward. Helping me to really feel that I need to live the way he showed me, that I could live his legacy that way, that he had changed me forever.

I was open to new possibilites.

I began to take new risks, meet new people, think about my future (even if it was only a month in advance). I began to rejoin conversations with my new friends, really ask how they deal, really get to know them. I was able to grow up, see that sometimes the things you rely on aren't perfect. That's hard, it's still hard for me. In this growing you learn to trust yourself and you become strong.

There are still bad days, grumpy moments, things I can't shake no matter how hard I try. There are still things that hit me out of nowhere and knock me to my knees. But I know when to take a day off, tap out, and start again tomorrow. I start again. I call my friends (thats right, on the phone!) they walk me though it. I express what I'm feeling and I allow myself to feel that way.

Dolphins, Jumping out of air planes, meeting best friends I'd only talked to online, experienced Memorial Day in DC, met some famous people, talked to a few magazines, taken writing classes, lost 2 jobs, got a dog and a tattoo, started a business, traveled a little and had my heart lifted. Watch out life, I'm not hiding anymore.

2010-06-27T19:50:00.003-05:00

A friend passed this on today, and it was a good reminder for me.

"Death is nothing at all. I have only slipped away into the next room. I am I, and you are you. Whatever we were to each other, that we still are. Call me by my old familiar name, speak to me in the easy way which you always used. Put no difference in your tone, wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow. Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes we enjoyed together. Play, smile, think of me, pray for me. Let my name be ever the household word that it always was, let it be spoken without effort, without the trace of a shadow on it. Life means all that it ever meant. It is the same as it ever was; there is unbroken continuity. Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight? I am waiting for you, for an interval, somewhere very near, just round the corner. All is well." ~Henry Scott Holland

I wish you Peace

2010-06-26T19:27:00.004-05:00

Sitting here, blogging on my patio, I feel more peaceful than I have in long time. I have been thinking about peacefulness and where to find it lately. Ii can't really answer the questions. A few weeks ago one of my fabulous widow friends and I were talking, catching up on other things in our lives besides widow-blues. She had mentioned her mom tries to help by taking her to a place where she finds the most peace. It made me think about where I find peace. The best and possibly only answer I have at the moment is early in the morning, when the darkness has gone, but not quite all the way. When it's not too warm yet, and I get the off chance of feeling a breeze in through our window. Lily usually gets up earlier than me to tell me she needs to go outside. After we do that routine we come back in, I feed her, she eats and we lay back down for a bit. I hear the birds and my mind feels more clear than any other time. I miss him in a way that doesn't drag me down the dark path, but just in a way you feel when you haven't talked to you best friend in years. I haven't talked to my best friend in years. I guess that's not true, I talk to him all the time. He just doesn't respond the same way I expect, or in anyway I can understand. But I trust that he hears me. Maybe only for my peace of mind, but he hears me, and that's my peaceful time. The only place I can come up with. I have little control over it, because soon the sun gets brighter and the humidity rises and I have to get out of my 3rd floor bedroom. Once I do it's time to keep busy.

Lily has been sick. All day yesterday she was vomiting, first her food, then some peanut butter (I thought she was all better) then just her stomach juices, then water right after she drank it. It so reminded me of the flu that I detest having. I took her to the vet, they said there were no signs it was something that wouldn't pass, gave her fluids and an injection to stop her nausea. Then I was told how to make her bland food diet, how to give her more meds for the vomiting and diarrhea for the next couple days and what to watch out for. She finally ate a little more than 1/4 cup of food just about an hour ago. I swear I wanted to throw a party, pop a bottle of champagne, or something. Thank goodness she is fine. Of course I was being dramatic and paranoid that something severe was suddenly wrong with her. I am telling you this because now that she is better we are both sitting on the porch (shes actually licking up dirt and leaves right now...) and I think that in any peaceful scenario I have she has to be there. She's my other half for now.

I want to know how to keep going. I want to try, but it gets so overwhelming sometimes. The opposite of my peaceful times are my times of madness. Oddly they are the opposite time of day as well- when the sun goes down, I go a little crazy. I get overwhelmed, I get sad, I almost always go to bed angry about things that happened that are less important than losing Mike. I want to reach out to someone, someone who will say the right thing, someone who can comfort me, someone who will talk to me about what I'm feeling, someone who will listen. I want that comfort again. I don't remember who's blog I was reading earlier but I took away from it the realization that the comfort is gone and it won't be back in the same way I had with Mike. It's so very true. I don't know if it is because the innocence and ignorance of those days are long since shattered, or just knowing that the person that is magnetically drawn to your soul is standing right there with his arms around you, but it won't ever be the same.

So where do I turn now for comfort? Where do I find my peace? Homework questions for the chapter I'm in right now.

(completely stolen pic)

A little overdue- 2nd Annual Cpt. MJM Golf Outing Update

2010-06-25T17:44:00.008-05:00

2nd Annual Capt. Michael J. Medders Memorial Scholarship Golf Outing :)

The Army Guys this year :)

The day was hot and sticky but wonderful. It was filled with stories, drinks, family, friends, memories, steaks, cigars and raffle prizes... and a little golf on the side :) Unfortunately I am not sure of the final numbers but we were able to raise more money than last year. We had more than once hole sponsor for every hole, some had 3. All the money we raised from the raffle went to the Wounded Warrior Project. It all went spectacular.

A big thank you to all of you who were able to throw your support, time, money and love to us by helping out in one way or another! Couldn't be done without you!

p.s. there is a video of my keg stand, and if I can get ahold of it, I will for sure post it for you :)

One of Those Days

2010-06-15T19:02:00.003-05:00

5 days from what would be our one year wedding anniversary and I'm consumed with weddings and showers and gifts for weddings and travel plans for weddings and rsvps for weddings and invitations for weddings and bachelorette parties and honeymoons...

And I just hear this part of a Joshua Radin song repeating in my head
"So I crawl underneath my blanket
Where I can hide away,
I know I can't take it
'Cause I see now, it's just one of those days"

I was bargaining with my life last night, as I often find myself doing. So I start by talking about all the things I'd rather do. (of course at the end you come to "I'd rather do anything.")

I'd have another kidney stone.
I'd have a kidney stone everyday.
I'd live in a shack with no electric, no air, no cable, no phone. And no running water. If you could be there.
I'd live in mud. Or snow.
I'd rather do 2 deployments, back to back.
No. 5 deployments.
I'd go 3 years without seeing you if I knew you'd come back.
No I'd go 10.

then I literally think to myself,
I would go an unlimited amount of time without seeing you if I knew I got to be with you forever.
There it is.
Then I realize. That's what I'm doing.
And I laugh. Damn. I just tricked myself into saying I would do what I'm doing, just for you.

Isn't that a crazy realization?

"One Of Those Days" Joshua Radin
"Wait right here"
Is all she said to me
And so right here I stay
Time has reached our home
And I've been left alone
It's carried her away
And everyone keeps saying,
"Nothing helps but time"
Time is all I own
And time won't stop replaying
Over in my mind
I watch the hours slow down
So I crawl underneath my blanket
Where I can hide away,
I know I can't take it
'Cause I see now, it's just one of those days
Now a year has passed
Alone I stay inside
And I await the rain
To wash away your face
So I don't have to hide
The sight of you is painful
So I crawl underneath my blanket
Where I can hide away,
I know I can't take it anymore
'Cause I see now, it's just one of those days
And I can't stop seeing your face
I can't stop seeing your face every place
So I crawl underneath my blanket
Where I can hide away,
I know I can't take it anymore
'Cause I see now, it's just one of those days
Yeah

2010-06-09T21:09:00.005-05:00

Wordsworth: From Desideria
....

Surprized by joy— impatient as the wind—

I turned to share the transport— O with whom

But thee— deep buried in the silent tomb,

That spot which no vicissitude can find?
--William Wordsworth (1770-1850)

source of these words of wisdom

Lonely in the here and now.

2010-06-06T20:39:00.002-05:00

I felt so close to Mike all weekend (last weekend). The whole weekend, in my mind, I was only there and having those experiences because of him. I know he points me in the right direction, especially when I need help, and because of what was so important to him, I am now in the position to meet these amazing women who have become such close friends and pivotal people in my healing process. So when I get back and the buzz wears off, sitting around all day and doing nothing feels so lonely. Of course I am physically not around anyone, besides my constant companion Lily :) But also because when I do spend time with people it is so clear to me that everyone's lives keep going. I don't know if it's jealousy that I want to be where they are, or not feel the things I feel, or the desire to just be back to a blissfully ignorant state when life is just regular, but it's hard for me.

So I'm lonely. Lonely without my beautiful AWP friends, lonely without my love, lonely without the few people outside those categories that I would like to be with.

I will love the light for it shows me the way. Yet I will endure the darkness for it shows me the stars.
- Og Mandine

2010-06-04T21:13:00.003-05:00

At this moment I'm just angry. Ahh the roller coaster of grief.

I'm mad in very unfair ways. I am mad at people for nothing. I'm mad that I am alone again. I am mad that somehow to do things that make me happy I have a series of strings I have to pull at just the right angle, get everything set up just so, so that no one ever thinks I'm doing the wrong thing. When in the world did I begin to care so much about what other people thought? Why does everything that happens piss me off? Why do I feel like I always find myself thinking things should happen different ways? People talk and I sit there and squirm. People are pulling away, and they should. Their lives and my life just aren't the same. I can't fake it. I try, I try to go with the flow but it doesn't make sense to me. So many things seem so absolutely pointless compared to the things that should matter. I just want to scream- Those stupid things do not matter! They don't! Everyone has forgotten. Not everyone. Some. I'm angry.

No matter what I do I can't bring him back. I just want him back. I want him to see the new bedroom furniture. I want him to help me move shit back into the guest bedroom. I want to stop avoiding certain spots in my house because I've left it that way since the day I knew he wasn't coming home. So much is different and I just want him here for it. We just wanted a normal life. I don't even have wedding memories to hang on to. I can't wear my rings on any fucking finger without someone having an opinion about it. The worst part is I don't even know where I want to wear them. Wearing them where they should be makes me mad we didn't get that. Wearing them where I have them now makes me mad that that's not where they belong. I'm so tired of trying to explain every single action I take. I am tired of trying to figure out what Mike would want or what Mike would say. I just want him to be here and do what he would want or say what he would say. It's not my job to figure it out. If I could conjure up what Mike is in my mind it wouldn't be truly him anyway. It would be him based on what I thought. That's not what I want. I want him based on him, rooted in him, and only him. He's the only one who can be that. Now I'm just rambling...

Ups and downs.

Memorial Day Weekend- the details

2010-06-03T18:11:00.008-05:00

So I absolutely have to write about this Memorial Day weekend. I've been finding it difficult to put any of what we did into a simple blog post. We did so much and I could recap only the physical details. More than that I was able to feel so much, but what we feel is hard to describe in just words.

I left Friday morning and the entire 6 hour drive to DC I kept thinking I should have left earlier, several of my friends were already there. We met up and just talked in the hotel room for a while before getting ready for dinner. I was able to meet Glenda before dinner, which was such an honor! We did dinner at the hotel and then headed to the Vietnam memorial to find her husband Bruce’s name on the wall. There were members of the Rolling Thunder everywhere when we got there and rain was poring down. We fit all the ladies under 3 umbrellas and took off to search for the name. Minutes after we found his name the bagpipes began, Amazing Grace. It was an instant reaction for us as we grabbed each other and our tears joined the rain. After amazing grace, they played Taps. No one moved. Then big hugs for all of us. We tried to fix our makeup and get some pictures with Bruce’s name. As we walked out of the memorial I was searching for a friend, trying to check out all the faces in the crowd, looking for blond, looking for Kim. I found her, snuck over and we hugged. She said hi to all the girls and we were all able to chat for a bit. We met and shared the pins we wear with another widow that our PBS man, Jim, knew, then headed into a cab to Georgetown. We spent some time talking, laughing and drying off at the restaurant then went back to the hotel bar for some drinks and pool games. As we got to the hotel Allison spotted Lt. Dan. The Lt. Dan, Gary Sinise. Jim got him to come over and meet us, along with Dennis Haysbert and Joe Mantegna. We were all flabbergasted and trying to act cool, like this is something we do everyday. Each one of them took the time to get to know us and we took some pictures.

I was able to meet Tatitana’s mom who is so similar to her, it’s beautiful! She has such a high energy and she was hanging out with us from time to time. It gave me insight to where one of my best friends comes from. Some of Allison’s family was there and it was so nice to be able to share some time, especially with her (slightly famous) father. Taryn’s parents were also there and they are clearly very special people.

Saturday was very emotional for all of us, we began in Arlington at the Kennedy wreath laying. We then went to Section 60 where the Iraq and Afghanistan veterans rest. Brooke and Kim both have their Love’s buried there and to see them in their intimate moments was a privilege for me. We decorated Frankie’s spot and all touched a rose before we left it with him. We left roses for Warren, and told him his girl is in our hands and we've got her back! We were also able to talk with some of the other people paying their respects, leave them flowers, and thank them for what they've given. Some of the women we know were not able to be there with us so we searched the area and took pictures, laid roses and delivered any messages. There were also several spots we just had to stop and admire. Pictures adorned wreathes, put in frames, taped on the back, left with loved ones to represent them or catch them up on their lives. It was very touching.

After we left Arlington I was drained, hungry, hot, tired and I lost it a little on the phone with my mom. I couldn't get over how many people were buried there, across the whole cemetery, and in Section 60 alone. I know the pain that it has caused our group of women, our families, and so many of us weren't there. I couldn't imagine the amount of pain that was spread throughout that cemetery and how far it reached. I was worried about things back here, and not being here for Mike this Memorial Day. My mother assured me that I am honoring his legacy and living how he would live, which is exactly what I needed.

We ate some lunch, hung out a little longer; I got some hugs to pull me out of my fall for the moment. Then we got a tour of the Capital. After the tour we got ready for a dinner at Clyde’s with our PBS friends and it was delicious. That night we planned to do a little self-led night walking tour. I ended up opting out of the tour to talk to one of Mike’s friends and it was a good conversation. We shared some memories, and we were able to share that we are both still hurting, and that’s ok. I was really comforted after the phone call and I could feel Mike being proud and happy. Overwhelmed, I went to bed early and caught up on sleep.

The next day we had some quality time at the eastern market and then began getting ready for the Memorial Day concert. We were lucky enough to get transported over to the concert early and sit in our reserved seats in the 1st and 2nd rows! The concert was amazing, especially that close. I feel so lucky to have been part of this weekend. If you missed the concert there are two clips below.

Brad Paisley- Then- National Memorial Day Concert

AJ Cook and Blythe Danner- Taryn and Glenda's story

These are the details of this weekend. The feelings that accompanied me are more than I can tap into right now...

Memorial Day 2010

2010-05-24T21:26:00.002-05:00

Just wanted to pimp the concert:

http://www.pbs.org/memorialdayconcert/features/bandofsisters.html

http://www.pbs.org/memorialdayconcert/concert/

Watch, DVR, Tape record if necessary. I'll be there.

AND I can't wait to meet up with some fellow widdows, sharin' the love :)

When I am gone

~Mrs. Lyman Hancock

When I come to the end of my journey

And I travel my last weary mile,

Just forget if you can, that I ever frowned

And remember only the smile.

Forget unkind words I have spoken;

Remember some good I have done.

Forget that I ever had heartache

And remember I've had loads of fun.

Forget that I've stumbled and blundered

And sometimes fell by the way.

Remember I have fought some hard battles

And won, ere the close of the day.

Then forget to grieve for my going,

I would not have you sad for a day,

But in summer just gather some flowers

And remember the place where I lay,

And come in the shade of evening

When the sun paints the sky in the west

Stand for a few moments beside me

And remember only my best.

5/23 (almost) One More Month.

2010-05-23T19:30:00.000-05:00

It has been said that there’s one word that will free us from the weight and pain of life… and that word is love… it doesn’t mean that it hasn’t been hard or that it wont be, it just means that I found a stillness and a bravery in myself with you… you made me brave… and I will love you until the end of time.."

AWP Love

2010-05-22T21:28:00.006-05:00

*The Ladies w/ the RV*

CPT Michael J. Medders

I was so happy. For 3 whole days, I was so happy. I didn't worry about what jewlery I had on, or what I said, or how I said it, or who was comfortable, or who was uncomfortable. I just was, and I laughed a lot, and it was happiness. There were moments when my stomach would drop and I would remember that I couldn't call Mike and tell him about the beautiful people I was meeting and how they were helping me. I couldn't tell him the funny joke the man told on the way up in the airplane (Did you hear the one about the seal? So a seal walked into a bar... haha). I jumped out of an airplane- and I can't tell him, and I can't show him pictures. When we were up in the sky and all I could see were clouds my body was shaky but my heart was not. Push me to the edge- I've been there in every other way. Now I got to jump without any repurcussion. I kissed my hand and put it up to the window. This is the closest I'll be without anything around me- I love you baby.

It was amazing. Jumping 13,500 feet flying at 120mph for 60 seconds before my bud Roy opened the parachute...wow. I really really cannot describe the jump in words and I'm not even going to try, but I can describe what I feel. After getting out of all the gear I had to get out of the little building because I was shaking with energy. I walked around outside, called a few friends and left a few messages, called mom, talked to dad, and sat down. No one around while everyone was around. I just sat and wondered if he knew. If he was proud. How many people did I need to tell to equal the feeling that telling him would give me? I don't know, I couldn't find it. It's moments like this that remind me that as much as I can do, I wish I could do it with him. Reguardless, I do feel a little more bad ass. Now I may be suffering from some widdow withdrawl.

The get away was very fullfilling. I had a great time and shared a million laughs, if not more. Made some new friends, celebrated birthdays, upcoming weddings, and the lives of those who are more than heros to us. Many thanks to the women of the AWP and all those who had a part in the golf outing fundraiser and skydive!

From "A Grief Observed" by C.S. Lewis

2010-05-12T19:02:00.002-05:00

I have read through this book twice in about a week. It is very short, just a collection of essays about his feelings after losing his wife. I seem to be writing a lot a lately but not necessarily things I want to "publish" in this format. So here you go...

Something quite unexpected has happened. It came this morning early. For
various reasons, not in themselves at all mysterious, my heart was lighter than
it had been for many weeks. For one thing, I suppose I am recovering physically
from a good deal of mere exhaustion. And I'd had a very tiring but very healthy
twelve hours the day before, and a sounder night's sleep; and after ten days of
low-hung grey skies and motionless warm dampness, the sun was shining and there
was a light breeze. And suddenly at the very moment when, so far, I mourned H.
least, I remembered her best. Indeed it was something (almost) better than
memory; an instantaneous, unanswerable impression. To say it was like a meeting
would be going too far. Yet there was that in it which tempts one to use those
words. It was as if the lifting of the sorrow removed a barrier.
Why has no one told me these things? How easily I might have misjudged another man in the same situation. I might have said, ‘He's got over it. He's forgotten his wife', when
the truth was, ‘He remembers her better because he has partly got over it.'
...Looking back, I see that only a very little time ago I was greatly concerned
about my memory of H. and how false it might become. For some reason - the
merciful good sense of God is the only one I can think of - I have stopped
bothering about that. And the remarkable thing is that since I stopped bothering
about it, she seems to meet me everywhere. Meet is far too strong a word. I
don't mean anything remotely like an apparition or a voice. I don't mean even
any strikingly emotional experience at any particular moment. Rather, a sort of
unobtrusive but massive sense that she is, just as much as ever, a fact to be
taken into account.
~C. S. Lewis

You know what? I didn't pick this.

2010-04-26T21:29:00.003-05:00

Listen, I am stating for the record that I did not choose to follow this path. I did not choose to be this person. I did not choose for this to be the way my 25th year and 26th year played out. I didn't. Now, that seems obvious to me- but bears necessity of repeating. I picked none of this.

I picked Mike. I picked him by the end of the weekend I first met him. I picked spending forever in his eyes. I picked supporting him in the things that he loved, in this military part of his life. I picked his crazy little smile and they way he dealt with my negativity. I picked his view on life to share with me. I picked us- and I will take full responsiblity for that. And I would pick it again, and again, and again even if I knew this was the outcome. I picked him. He picked me. We did not pick this.

Do not take this as me ducking my current life and saying that I haven't made decisions based on where I am now. I have, and I support them, 100%. I am responsible for that, but I do not fit any expectations. But I have to say that I am sick and tired of being told what to do. I am tired of being judged for how I deal with everything that is thrown my way. Hi, I'm Stacey and I'm still fucking living. Thanks. For a really long time, this was my goal. And all I heard was "take it day by day," and "God wouldn't give you anything you can't handle" and blah blah blah. But I did, I handled it and I'm working with it and I'm making it a life to be proud of and happy about. I know he is looking on proud as hell too.

Then all I heard was "you're so young." "you'll meet someone" "move on" .... move on, move on, move on. How is that supposed to comfort me?! It never did. There is no moving on. I will not move on from Mike, I will not move away from Mike, Mike is a part of me now. He is part of my life. He is part of who I am. To not acknowledge that, or to act like I'm doing something wrong to him is ridiculous. I will move forward, and I will carry him with me. There are moments I know I could not get through without his help, so he has to be with me. One of the things I trusted most about Mike was that if there was something he could do, he would. No doubt in my mind this characteristic still holds true to his soul. He helps me, he's with me. I will not move on from that. If you'd like to tell me anything at all that has to do with moving on, don't. I don't want to hear it.

I don't want anyone by Mike. As a wise friend told me, it was never a choice, it just was. I did not pick to lose him only (almost) 2 years into our life together. I also do not want to spend forever alone. I need people around me, but I need people who think about what I am feeling. How selfish of me, I know, but I can't do it. I can't hear these opinions, one way or the other, about what I am doing and what I should be doing. You have no idea. And if you have no idea, keep your opinion that may hurt my feelings to yourself.

3 Years

2010-04-21T07:52:00.002-05:00

Happy Engagement Anniversary, Baby.

I miss you

The Need to Belong

2010-04-19T08:47:00.003-05:00

I know, I'm all about the feelings lately, right?!

In the last few days I have been struggling with how to express in the best way possible that I am sick and tired of feeling like I don't belong anywhere. It's a bunch of things all mushed into this type of emotion. Part of it is my high school complex haunting me again- all the cool girls form this group and I'm on the outside wanting to be part of it. Really, it was only freshman year, but the mean girl thing scared me for life (ha). I hate this feeling a lot. I fight it and try to remember that I'm not 14, it doesn't matter if I 'belong' because I have people who love me regardless. But I forget, and that 14 year-old-self rears her head.

I don't belong in this world I run around in. Sometimes I can handle it and draw strength from it. Sometimes I just get tired and I want the normal, less wise-beyond-my-years, different-than-everyone-else perspective. There are groups of women I feel like I'm part of, and yet there are those moments when my insecurities get the best of me. I want to do this and I want to do that and it's in the hands of someone else. Maybe it's that control issue...

I am good with the way things are progressing. Considering the hand I've been dealt, I'm hanging in there :) I have to assume that along with losing the person you know you belong with, you float around looking for a place to fit. Once you start living again, that is. I'm just trying to fit, and honor my hero, and make everything he taught me everlasting. I'm angry when I feel that other people are honoring their hero better than I am. How bad is that?! I know, but the jealousy is there, and I'm willing to admit it. My adult self knows that it doesn't matter, that as long as I do the best I can the people in my life will be proud. Mike will be proud. I know that everything people do continues to change perspectives in this crazy world and I should be thankful for that. But my little girl won't stop kicking things up inside of me.

Still disconnected

2010-04-13T20:59:00.004-05:00

I've been so uneasy lately. So off without a specific reason. I honestly have no words to describe where I'm at right now. I keep reading the things that make inspiration spring within me and thinking, and reading and thinking and it's just lost...

I'm unable to put my finger on the exact thing that I am feeling. Lost, still, even though I've been living and trying and waking up everyday with more than I felt a year ago at this time. Now I feel completely numb. I lack the ability to be completely moved right now. It's the emotions. I am used to feeling overwhelming emotions in one way or the other or all ways at once, so powerful they would knock me down, tears would pour from my eyes, or laughter would echo around the room as I genuinely felt giddy. Now I sit here, aching to feel that quiet desperation, or the familiar sadness, or something or anything at all. I'm looking around every corner to see where I can find those feelings.

I am equating feeling less with loving less and I don't like that at all. My inspiration cannot be fading. He cannot be fading. I try to write, to get it out, whatever this blockage is, and the words and ideas just fall away. I'm just not sure what this feeling is, and as off as it may sound, I feel completely crazy not feeling my comfortable, crazy emotions.

:)

2010-04-13T14:08:00.000-05:00

Time to reconnect

2010-04-11T13:37:00.010-05:00

I needed a breath of fresh air, quite literally. Maybe a little outside time to think about what I want out of my days is what I'm thirsting for. Lily always helps me be simply happy, watching her explore and try new things. This morning we got up and she was laying on the couch and I decided to look for somewhere to take her to explore. I found this website and decided to venture to the metroparks in Rocky River and climb the 137 steps of the top of the Foot Hill Trail. Lily was in heaven as she sniffed and ran and made friends with other dogs. It completely took me away from my daily worries and out of my head into the world around me. The little day retreat I needed :)

After crossing the Rocky River, we looked up at the stairs.

Lily is ready to go!

View from the top.

Mom! Let's go, let's GO!!!

The only picture of me, right as Lily began barking at some dogs ahead on the path.

Zonked from the activities of Sunday Funday :)

Fixed: The Videos

2010-04-10T14:37:00.003-05:00

Allison, thanks for letting me know the videos didn't work because they were private!

I deleted the previous post and debated if I should continue with the video but Mike's laugh is just too good not to share. It brightened my night last night and when I see him with his huge smile it brings him so close to me, I have to share. :)

I appologize that my original post had the links that didn't work!

2nd Annual MJM Memorial Golf Outing--- it's coming!

2010-04-07T16:20:00.007-05:00

I've been soliciting all week, but I wanted to share what is going on with the golf outing. The 2nd Annual MJM Memorial Golf Outing will be held June 12, 2010 at SweetBriar Golf Course in Avon Lake, OH. I am looking forward to seeing so many of Mike's buddies that I haven't seen since last year (or longer). We had such a blast last year... seriously! It was a fabulous day with some great people remembering Mike and raising money in his name.

We are looking for corporate hole sponsors which are $100 and include a sign on the hole. We are also looking for items that can be donated for the raffle we will be hosting at the steak fry after the tournament. Last year we had some really great things like autographed Cleveland Indians gear, Cleveland Browns tickets, and (I would guess) one of the top items - a painting by Victoria Lewis herself :) Of couse, we are looking for golfers and anyone who would like to buy tickets to just the steak fry. Golf foursomes are $300 and include a hot dog lunch, beverages on the course and the steak fry after the tournament. Steak fry tickets are $30. I wanted to make sure you all had the information. Anything you can send our way would be awesome, but please don't feel obligated!! If you have any questions feel free to call or shoot me an email!

Any of my local friends, I will be there all day setting up, decorating, volunteering, driving around golf carts, whatever! I will also be at the steak fry after and I would love for you to come join if you don't golf! If you are interested in volunteering let me know... you could follow in Sharon's footsteps, she helped decorate and set up last year :) *THANKS SHARON!*

Check it out

2010-04-05T22:07:00.006-05:00

So, I said I would live it up. Do it the way you did it! Seize the opportunities that present themselves and meet you with a LIST of crazy, wonderful things to tell you about. Here we go...

*TAPS Run and Remember* Washington DC, October 24, 2010. I'll be there :)

(Edited 4/6)
If you'd like to donate, there is more info here

Get Some Comfortable Shoes...

2010-03-26T21:49:00.003-05:00

I'm feeling the weight of the march that is about to begin. I have been able to breathe the last few months but I'm starting to get nervous. The march through the rest of the year, through each day, each anniversary... how many times will I have to walk this path? I'm getting nervous, I feel it nipping at my heals.

April...3 years ago he proposed. May... take a breath. June... the wedding. July... the last time I saw him. August... my birthday. September... a complete 2 years? October... We met. November... your birthday. December... Happy Holidays.

This is my walk, my march, the way the last 9 months of my years feel. It's so heavy. Heavy looming on top of me. All of these days that should be so happy, all of these occasions we should be celebrating together. I can't belive they feel the way they do now.

About a week ago I took a new arrangement of fake flowers to the cemetary thinking it may still get cold and snow and they would be a better choice for another month or so. I immediately remembered that in about a month I would be taking him flowers so often for the rest of the year. April 21 begins our walk. 3 years ago he proposed. I've been engaged for 3 years when it was supposed to be 2 years and 2 months. One day less, actually.

I'm holding you close and trying to remind myself to continue walking in the direction you pointed me. Give me a push if I need it, ok?

2010-03-26T13:24:00.004-05:00

(Edited to add the FULL version :) )

A More Satisfying Entry

2010-03-23T10:19:00.007-05:00

My new sign as you walk up the stairs. Many of my friends know that I've said before my previous one was mocking me-- daring me to live the life I dreamed. I feel better seeing this when I get home. It is so much more "where I am right now."

Along these lines, this theme I am feeling lately, I have more to share.

I'm quoting from another blogger, one of my close friends, Kim,
"And he deserves so much more than me wishfully thinking and waiting on death. This is the choice between sitting in the dark, waiting on death, or venturing back into the light.; even if it is without my greatest joy."

What a powerful statement. I was reading through her last few posts and when I read this one it just hit me. It's so well put, and so easy to understand. I guess it takes a long time and a long journey to actually understand it, to feel how true it is, and to want to live that way. When I read this I can picture the nights where I've sat in my bed, drowing in tears, begging to be able to be with him again. But she is right, her Love, mine, they all deserve more than us waiting, just waiting. It's been this theme I've seen revealed lately, and it's so accurate to what Mike would say to me. The way he lived was to take every opportunity that presented itself. I'm trying so hard to remember that as I keep walking forward. I'm walking forward with him and I won't let go, and I wont move on. He will wakl forward with me, and he will show me in ways that only he can. Crazy to think, but I can feel that so strongly in me now.

Small revelations are big revelations in this journey.

2010-03-17T21:02:00.004-05:00

I began talking to my counselor today, after 2 whole hours of sleep, about how I feel. How am I feeling in the middle of the night when I can't stop my brain and I'm afraid to fall asleep because of the bad dreams. Angry. Angry and tired, and completely overwhelmed. We start discussing anger, how to express anger, how I feel my anger is disproportionate in most everyday events. When I get mad about something little I start to boil. But I feel like I never confront anyone about what upsets me. I feel walked on. I gave up "not being confrontational" for lent in an effort to try and feel better. I'm scared to let my anger out. We start thinking about why I feel so scared to be angry... and the pieces start to fall. And I swear to God he is right there with me helping to reveal everything I'm about to realize. I don't know if people can grasp this but in this way, everything he was was what I wanted to be. I always told him I just wanted to be happy. Please don't ever let me end up constantly mad, negative, upset. It's not how he dealt with his anger and it was one of the reasons we fit so well. He is a positive spirit, a positive person, and I wanted to soak that up from him; let him fill me with his positivity. I was so comfortable with him and I was confident that I could rely on him to protect me from ending up that way. And he still has. He helped me realize I'm figuring out my anger issues now so I don't pass them on. I'm doing the work now so I can't pass them on. It ends here. If I make it to the future I will make it there happy. I will be happy, he promised me that. Today I feel like that is possible. He can still help me to get there. He leads me there. (umm babe, a bit drastic. but I appreciate it none the less).

So in exploring this anger idea I realize that there aren't only 2 freaking ways to deal with being upset over regular everyday issues. I don't have to keep it all in and feel like I'm walked all over, and I don't have to express it in a yelling, hurtful way. I don't have to be afraid of it, it's not wrong. There's a place in between, and it's healthy anger, and it's assertive, and it's not scary. You just address the issues, and start with "I feel upset that..." and that doesn't hurt anyone or me. It's what people do. It's non-threatening. There's a difference between confrontation and anger. Anger can be healthy. I see it weekly when I volunteer with the little kids- they get angry, they address it, they move on. You don't have to carry it around. It won't breed on top of itself. You won't get more angry and more angry. You live life, and you are happy, and people respect you because you can communicate your anger. SO TRUE- I respect those people. I look up to those people. MIKE IS ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE.

You don't understand the Revelation this is to me. In 2 ways- in the way that I don't have to end up an angry person. I can be happy. I can be happy and have healthy moments of things that upset me. I don't have to hold onto it for longer than that. AND I can feel safe exploring the anger I feel for Mike being taken. We didn't do anything wrong. He didn't do anything wrong. It's unfair and frustrating and I can't control it. And that isn't disproportionate, I feel it. I feel that anger in my chest and in my hands. I wake up with fists, and nail marks on the inside of my palms from gripping so tightly, sweating from head to toe and shaking under my blanket. I grind my teeth. I have headaches, and I feel it. But I can work with it. And I won't get stuck in this angry crazy world if I do. It's overwhelming and powerful and I can express it appropriately and safely and privately. Expressing it may calm it down, but I'll never get rid of it. But it won't make me an angry person. I can be happy.

that's so crazy to me. like out of this world.

Today reminds me why I continue to go to my counselor. Sometimes i have nothing new to talk about. and every once in a while- this !

Here's where I want to be...

2010-03-16T19:59:00.004-05:00

...or...

maybe...

Peaceful Easy Feeling

2010-03-09T17:53:00.006-06:00

Does he know we have a flagpole? This is what I thought today, our first day over 45 degrees in ages, as I stepped out on the porch at dusk to take it down for the night.

This song in my head... it's true, but somehow the opposite of the thoughts that are with me today. I don't feel like I have a place. I don't know how much I felt like I had a place before losing Mike, but I think, like a lot of things, there is no way you can realize these things until this situation has happened to you, and it doesn't happen to most people. Like in what situation do you really look back and see a completely different life for your future. Think about it, if you saw it for your future, wouldn't it be your future. Or at least the future you think you're headed toward. Not in this case. Maybe that is the problem. I still can't see a future. I don't know what to see, especially compared to how clearly I saw it before. The job I liked, the homecoming (!), the wedding, our normal time, kids, family, fun in the sun! I try to force myself into seeing something now, but it's all a charade. It's not a future I truly believe will happen. See, I don't really believe that the plans we make will pan out. I know, I know, that sounds horrible. Those of you living what you've waited for, the lucky ones that get to realize their visioned futures, you can't fathom what I'm saying. But that's good. I have said before, "Do you think people actually get that? The dreams that they plan actually come true?"

Anyway, I'm not sure when these days started to feel like a normal life, but they did, more than I ever expected. Some days are like this though. I have these feelings inside that I am surprised aren't always sitting on the surface. But I feel useless, placeless, floating around in a weird loneliness. And, at the moment, not peaceful or easy.

Stuck in my head...

Peaceful Easy Feeling

I like the way your sparkling earrings lay,
against your skin, it's so brown
and I wanna sleep with you
in the desert tonight
with a billion stars all around
'cause I gotta peaceful easy feeling
and I know you won't let me down
'cause I'm already standing on the ground
And I found out a long time ago
what a woman can do to your soul
Ah, but she can't take you anyway
You don't already know how to go
and I gotta peaceful, easy feeling
and I know you won't let me down
'cause I'm already standing on the ground
I get this feeling I may know you
as a lover and a friend
but this voice keeps whispering in my other ear,
tells me I may never see you again
'cause I get a peaceful, easy feeling
and I know you won't let me down
'cause I'm already standing on the ground
'cause I'm already standing...
on the ground

Ramble, Ramble

2010-03-03T21:32:00.004-06:00

It has really been a strange day. I have been running through the past few weeks without really looking around. I get so overwhelmed and frustrated when I do that, somehow, I've been able to avoid it. But today, due to the fact that it is the ONLY thing I will solidly schedule, I went back to my counselor. I went there thinking I had nothing to talk about and left without talking about anything new.

"Let's explore these bad dreams..." was all she needed to say. Lately I have been feeling so numb, unable to cry even if I try. I still feel sad and grieve, but I can't let myself get moved to tears. I can't let myself. And somehow sitting there on that stupid couch, where for no reason at all I feel completely compelled to share everything, I welled up in tears. "I worry about what he went through. What he thought. What he felt." Suddenly I couldn't breathe. Damn you, couch. I remember (reluctantly) when the men were at our house that morning. I couldn't think much or talk about it until someone got there, someone from my side, which turned out to be Kim, followed by my parents, followed by nothing I actually remember. After they told me what I was dreading hearing, I remember my first thought: Did you really just tell me that on our porch. Really? And my second thought, which I expressed to them, the only thing I really said relating to Mike while they were here. "Do you think he knew? I hope he didn't know..." Bless his heart, the older one said that it sounds like Mike had no idea. He didn't know what happened, all he knew was who I was and that my fiancee was gone.

That's all I said. I offered them some water, like a little hostess at a party or something. "Do you guys need something to drink?" And the one man kept trying to tell me how things would proceed. He obviously didn't get that I was waiting until someone got there. Just let someone get here, and see that this is absurd, and they will fix it. Mom and Dad can fix it. Surely his parents can fix it. Maybe Kim, once she gets here, will clear everything up. I'll call Katie, she'll know what's going on.

And then I don't remember. Kim got here, I blathered on, the men left, mom and dad got here, the Medders got here... everyone kept hugging. I think I showered. But I have no idea what the time frame for the next few days is. I was just there. Every morning I woke up, it would hit me like a freaking house and I would think that there is no way it could be true. He would never leave me. It just wasn't possible. I have little memories of the next few days, walking around in the Medders back yard, talking to Amanda about how we could actually see the future, the wedding, our kids playing together. Not eating, Mom making milkshakes and scrambled eggs, Justina tying that yellow ribbon on my wrist, Dad and Matt hanging a flag over the balcony. I can't put any of these events in a particular order. Katie getting there, Justina getting there, picking a plot at the cemetery, eating a ham like I hadn't been fed in days (umm or just hadn't eaten anything). Shaking, I was shaking all the time. I was cold, people gave me blankets and sweatshirts. I have never cared less to hear what people had to say, I've never before actually stopped listening when people were talking.

I fought tooth and nail to keep from getting used to this life I wake up in everyday now. This life decided to drag me, with my heals stuck straight into the ground, away from those days, and toward whatever. Whatever the heck I'm headed toward I don't know. How do I head toward something, when I've tried not to, and not move away from him? I don't know the logical answer, except that he's the other part of my soul. And when you have that other part in a person, I guess you can keep it. I can't keep it physically, and in all the ways we planned, but it's still here. The way that I feel isn't changing and I have complete confidence in him, knowing how I feel.

(Wow that was quite a tangent- if you made it all the way through, here's your cookie!)

Fireflies and Poppies

2010-03-01T18:26:00.006-06:00

(www.toddyoungart.com)

I finally framed it and placed it near the TV (that I'm facing far too often). It was a gift at Christmas from a dear friend and when I opened it and took the time to take it all in, I welled up in tears. It's one of those gifts that is so thoughtful- the kind you get really excited to give. Everytime I look at it, I know it belongs here. Instant gratification- a less obvious picture of my two loves :)

Thanks, Dess :)

AWP Weekend- Dolphin Swim Photos

2010-02-08T22:35:00.008-06:00

Lucky Dolphin :)

We went for a swim

Practicing his "Jaws" moves (he was 700 lbs, no joke)

Proud to be in their company

If there's a friend you need, let it be me.

2010-02-04T07:50:00.012-06:00

This past weekend I was able to spend some time in Orlando with some amazing widows who I had only met online or talked to on the phone. It was such a great experience and a bit of a breath of fresh air knowing that these people were right where I am/have been/ or will be. The level of understanding and compassion circling around the room made the weekend immediately comfortable. We swam with dolphins, floated through a lazy river, wrangled wet suits, had a minor speed bump with the car accident, ate the best food (and sangria!) at a Colombian restaurant, went out for a night of free drinks, shared stories, danced with a cab driver, took millions of pictures, remembered our loves, released some doves, shared hugs, and tears, and laughter, and so much that it really filled me to the top of my being! Facebook has a million pics, but I'll share some here too!

Once I get the dolphin pictures there will be more :)

2010-01-24T16:31:00.003-06:00

I turned off the light again last night. Since losing Mike, I've slept with the bathroom light on and the door mostly shut so there is only a small crack that the light shines through. Initally it made me feel safer. Then it was sort of like that David Cook song about leaving the light on.

...Try to leave the light on when I'm gone
Something to rely on to get home...

Every night when I would go to shut it off, that would just bounce back into my head and I thought just incase he needs a guiding light to get back here and rest his head with me...

Even when I travel, or stay at my parents, or with friends (ha, you know!) I find a light, somewhere in the room, and I leave it on. Sometimes it's annoying, because everyone isn't prepared for this situation, so it's not alwasy a little light I can control, but it always seems worth it.

Saturday night as I was getting ready for bed with way, way, WAY too much on my mind I inadvertantly shut off the bathroom light, after which I stood in the threashold between bathroom and bedroom trying to decide if I should turn it back on. "Come on Stacey, you're not afraid of the big bad wolf..." I stood still, arguing with myself, Lily slightly confused. And I decided the light from the Ihome was enough. I sat down on the bed and turned the glow-in-the-dark numbers to the brightest they could go, and I kinda took a deep breath that that stupid yellow light wasn't haunting me from the bathroom, begging for something I couldn't give it. So I did it again last night, with a little less hesitation. I'm not completely sold, but somehow changing this routine that I adopted out of such pain is giving me some fresh air.

Does that even make sense? Who knows anymore :)

NYE

2010-01-12T20:26:00.005-06:00

Maybe it was because it was last minute, or because my 2 friends there know Mike too and I didn't have to hide anything, or because it was a completely different place and I had very little worries for a day and a half, but I had a truly fabulous time in Manhattan, Kansas on New Year's Eve. Thank you, thank you Katie and Adam for letting me visit!

Hope your New Year's was enjoyable, too.

Stolen Idea...

2010-01-12T20:15:00.003-06:00

One of the most recent posts on the Widow's Voice blog has been continually popping up in my head the last few days. It is about a 6 Word Memoir. 6 words to sum up your life.

"The six-word memoir is said to be rooted in a bet between Ernest Hemingway and a friend — supposedly, the author claimed he could write a short story in just six words. (He won with “For sale: baby shoes, never worn.”)"

It's difficult, to say the least. And when I first read it I thought that there would be no way I was going to try. How do I sum up everything in 6 words? It was worse for me to think that in 5 years mine could be different, or the same. That thought was uncomfortable for me. Since I read it I've been trying to do it, without realizing it. Walking Lily, listening to music, watching TV, I keep trying to make a better story in 6 words. I've concluded I can't make just one, but several. Since I can't get it off my mind, I thought I'd share.

I walk with you beside me.

Things change. Love remains the same.

Uncertain but sure. Love. Life's pleasure.

I'll have a million more, I'm sure. Try it yourself, or decide not to, and then find yourself trying anyway! :)

Repeating

2010-01-08T13:32:00.002-06:00

"Stay Or Leave"

Maybe different but remember
Winters warm where you and I
Kissing whiskey by the fire
With the snow outside
And when the summer comes
In the river
Swims at midnight
Shiver cold
Touch the bottom
You and I
With muddy toes

Stay or leave
I want you not to go
But you should
It was good as good goes
Stay or leave
I want you not to go
But you did

Wake up naked drinking coffee
Making plans to change the world
While the world is changing us
It was good, good love
You used to laugh under the covers
Maybe not so often now
But the way I used to laugh with you
Was loud and hard

Stay or leave
I want you not to go
But you should
It was good as good goes
Stay or leave
I want you not to go
But you did

So what to do
With the rest of the day's afternoon
Isn't it strange how we change
Everything we did
Did I do all that I should
That I could have done

Remember we used to dance
And everyone wanted to be
You and me
I want to be too
What day is this
Besides the day you left me
What day is this
Besides the day you went

So what to do
With the rest of the day's afternoon hey
Well isn't it strange how we change
Everything we did
Did I do all that I could

Remember we used to dance
And everyone wanted to be you and me
I want to be too
What day is this
Besides the day you went babe
What day is this

Happy Ever After

2010-01-08T13:20:00.002-06:00

I'm cold, and I've had more than a minute or two by myself which usually leads to reflection. I had my music playing somewhat randomly and Ben Harper's "Happy Ever After In Your Eyes" came on and caught me right in the middle of whatever I was doing. Happy ever after. What a lofty goal. Sometimes it's such a pain to look down this road with only the knowledge that he's cheering me on. I squit, rub my eyes and look for him. But I just have to know, to remember, to trust him. Trust can be so difficult for people of this world, and I remind myself I can do this. I trust him, even when it's hard.

2010 Revelations

2010-01-06T23:06:00.006-06:00

1. I've tried everything. Everything I could. You're not back. Maybe it's time to try something new.

2. There is no right or wrong. He did a lot of things right, and had great moral character and he's gone. We did things the right way, and they ended up the wrong way. This is what shows me the world of strict "rights and wrongs" isn't necessarily a real world. There is no right or wrong way for me to deal with my grief. There is no right or wrong way to continue to take steps forward. There is nothing right or wrong in me deciding to spend a difficult day in bed. There is nothing right or wrong if I have (had) a really good time on New Years Eve. I still miss him and I want him right beside me. But that should be standard knowledge by now.

3. I hate that I am the subject of converstaions from people who have no experience close enough to compare. I realize that mostly its out of concern for me, but I am telling you now, I hate that feeling. I hate finding out later people were talking about me and how I'm doing. Saying I've lost touch with reality because I talk about Mike, that I still wear my rings. Stop talking about me. If something that I am using to help me greive is hurting you or bothering you, address it with me and maybe then I can understand your point of view. Talking behind my back makes me feel even more lonley, like even the people I thought could try to understand couldn't. Its a crappy feeling, on top of everything else.

I know for 100% Mike wants me to be happy. And that is what I am working towards. Being happy.

Songs that repeat on my playlist

2009-12-29T12:12:00.002-06:00

Pete Murray "Chance to Say Goodbye"
Dave Matthews "Stay or Leave"
Corey Smith "Maybe Next Year"
Dave Matthews Band "I'll Back You Up"
David Gray "This Year's Love"
Dierks Bentley "I Wanna Make You Close Your Eyes"
Heidi Newfield "Johnny and June"
Johnny Cash "I Walk The Line"
John Mayer "Comfortable"
Johnny Cash with June Carter "Jackson"
Little Big Town "Bring it on Home"
Little Big Town "Stay"
Mat Kearney "New York to California"
Miranda Lambert "Heart Like Mine"
Van Morrison "Crazy Love"

For now, that's a good collection.

724 am December 24

2009-12-27T06:26:00.003-06:00

I wake up startled and thinking of you. I have to remember where I am, in a different room at my parent's with my dog beside me instead of you. I instantly remember that the last time I slept in this room was the last time you would ever sleep in this room, in this bed. Right freaking beside me. and now as the sun comes up, thats all I long to be, right beside you. I miss your touch horribly. I miss your hands and the the way they reached for mine. I miss how sure we were of each other's love. I miss everything.

I love you baby. Be Strong! Love Mike

This is the sticky note he left on our kitchen counter when he went back in July. How long baby? How strong can I be?

I love you, I love you, I LOVE YOU.

Love Letter

2009-12-25T20:35:00.004-06:00

Love Letters, Beetoven

Evening, Monday, July 6

You are suffering, my dearest creature
only now have I learned that letters must be posted very early in the morning on Mondays to Thursdays
the only days on which the mail-coach goes from here to K.
You are suffering
Ah, wherever I am, there you are also
I will arrange it with you and me that I can live with you. What a life!!! thus!!! without you
pursued by the goodness of mankind hither and thither
which I as little want to deserve as I deserve it
Humility of man towards man
it pains me
and when I consider myself in relation to the universe, what am I and what is He
whom we call the greatest
and yet
herein lies the divine in man
I weep when I reflect that you will probably not receive the first report from me until Saturday
Much as you love me
I love you more
But do not ever conceal yourself from me
good night
As I am taking the baths I must go to bed
Oh God
so near! so far! Is not our love truly a heavenly structure, and also as firm as the vault of heaven?

Good morning, on July 7

Though still in bed, my thoughts go out to you, my Immortal Beloved, now and then joyfully, then sadly, waiting to learn whether or not fate will hear us
I can live only wholly with you or not at all
Yes, I am resolved to wander so long away from you until I can fly to your arms and say that I am really at home with you, and can send my soul enwrapped in you into the land of spirits
Yes, unhappily it must be so
You will be the more contained since you know my fidelity to you. No one else can ever possess my heart
never
never
Oh God, why must one be parted from one whom one so loves. And yet my life in V is now a wretched life
Your love makes me at once the happiest and the unhappiest of men
At my age I need a steady, quiet life
can that be so in our connection? My angel, I have just been told that the mailcoach goes every day
therefore I must close at once so that you may receive the letter at once
Be calm, only by a calm consideration of our existence can we achieve our purpose to live together
Be calm
love me
today
yesterday
what tearful longings for you - you - you
my life
my all
farewell. Oh continue to love me
never misjudge the most faithful heart of your beloved.

ever thine
ever mine
ever ours