"The Problem with Death is

that I am left looking at myself, naked, under florescent lights, mirrors over and around me." I stole this because I can completely identify with it. I see all of the things about me I hate. My confidence is shattered. I lose the cheerleader for that part of me who knew my positive attributes from top to bottom and could repeat them on the days I needed to hear it.
My view now is just loneliness, and ugliness. You may disagree, but you're not the one who I believe
I feel disgusting. Disgusted that I couldn't do my job to the fullest because I had such a lack of caring. Disgusted that I got laid off. Discussed that I have to find a job when I don't care.

Apathy is my new strongest feeling. Apathy and Anger.

The little girl in me is in full temper tantrum. And even if she was, it wouldn't matter. Nothing brings him back. All I want is him to be back. I have not yet let go.

Our wedding would have been beautiful thanks to his help. It's confusing to me becasue I picture it. I can see it in my head. I can see him in the front of the church with all his guys. He has a huge smile on his face and he's holding himself back from trying to run to me. I see my girls on the other side looking georgous. I see his paretns blooming with smiles and I see all the eyes on me as my father and I walk down that isle toward my new life. Toward the life I really have always wanted. I see it. I see it all - I picked the music...and its just not going to happen. How can I see it so clearly without it happeneing. How didn't we see this coming. I want to talk to you so very badly. Just talk. I miss you. I miss my best friend.

Finally put pictures on my computer...

I just love this picture from another little "photo shoot" with Lily. I also found one on there from the bachelorette party- Mand and me.

1st Annual MJM Memorial Scholarship Golf Outing- A SUCCESS!

The 1st Annual Michael J. Medders Memorial Scholarship Golf Outing was this Saturday and it was wonderful!! We had over 165 people golf and more than 250 for the steak fry after. It was an amazing time filled with fund-raising, socializing, memories and a little bit of golf :-) Thank you to everyone who had any part in making this such a great day and for helping to continue Michael's legacy! Unfortunately my camera decided it was time to stop working, but here are a few pics I stole from others!

Shots on the golf course with the army guys! We were all so happy they could make it back!





Love you all!


It was a big weekend. Amanda also had her bachelorette party on Friday night. We started with dinner at the Wine Bar and had a great time.


Great weekend- the best in a while. As I wind down today it hits me that I miss Mike as much as ever. I'm completely confident that he is happy with the day and golf tournament that now bear his name. See you next year!

Disclaimer- This post is made after 1:00am

I would like to discuss some of the things I talked with my counselor about this week because I have been very nervous/ anxious going in there for some reason. Well, honestly I feel nervous/ anxious for a little while now. And she gave me a really great analogy that I think I need to hold onto. She said that when you avoid something as big as this (Read: me avoiding dealing with how much pain I am in from this grief) it just follows you and follows you and you put so much energy into keeping it under control or buried with things that keep you busy, that it is ALWAYS there. She said that what we will do by me deciding I need help moving forward is that she will help me to stop running, turn around, and face it. In a save environment with some strategies in place outside her office to keep me calm and in a safe happy place. That made so SO much sense to me. I am so damn tired, just tired. But I feel guilty because I never get enough done at work, or things around the house, or I forget things, or I can't concentrate. It's like my lists just get longer. She mentioned that I can't be too hard on myself because I am doing a lot, its just a lot of running away and I could catch up without first being a slacker.

***2 weeks*** until our wedding day. I'm willing to bet the whether will be gorgeous- perfect temperature. Sun. I have friends planning activities for me. A visit to the cemetery and then the rest of the day by the cabin near the lake. Better than sitting here wallowing...

I'm still not sure how I'm going to make it through these summer months. T has got my back for sure, and that helps. I'll just keep my cell phone by my side and keep pushing forward.

I miss you so much baby. Happy 2 weeks till OUR DAY!!! :-)

blog from email

This is an attempt to write a blog entry from an email. I need this feature because very important things happen to me constantly that I later forget about and I want to blog them to you blog readers! Now I can immediately blog! YAY it worked!

In other news, it's Memorial Day weekend. I have a memorial wreath laying ceremony tomorrow in Columbus that Tori is going to attend with me. And on Monday we have something in Avon Lake as well. A memorial day weekend full of memorials.

And we begin another week...

Here we go. My first thought is that once I make it through tomorrow the week should roll on uneventfully. I have plumbers coming in the morning to finally fix our leak and allow me to use the bathtub- yay! (FYI we have a shower, I'm not dirty, it's the spare bathroom with the tub that has a leak into the ceiling below.) I'm really hoping it's a quick, in-and-out job with no surprises. Then I just need to get the ceiling fixed where he will have to make a hole to find and fix the plumbing issue. My second thought is that I need to get the dang cushion re-upholstered. Thanks, Lily. I think that back part did need ripped up.

We also present the scholarship in Michael's name to the receipient tomorrow night. I really have no idea how it will go. I think I can keep it together long enough to read a few sentences and focus on the young student who's burden of paying for college education will be eased, but we'll see.

And, mom made me zucchini bread. Ha :-)Fabulous!

I Make Lists

It's what I do. I do it most days to remember the things I have to remember. For work or once I get home, random things pop into my head. Tonight I will ramble through a list.

How in the world do I get Lily to wake up at 6:30 again instead of 4 am to go outside?! What has changed my little girl?

My teeth hurt. That's what you get when you forget to go to the dentist for about a year, Stacey!

I'm still pissed about the lady from the pet class last night. Butt out, Lady! Are you a professional dog trainer? I didn't think so, shut your mouth!

I miss him more than I know how to express.

We usually have such a good time at the dog class.

Lily is sleepy, thank goodness!

I think we should go to Florida sooner rather than later. It was my brother's idea and it isn't a bad one.

Lily is thrilled at her new treats from Monica! She loves them so much!

If I hear that Jason Mraz and Colbie Callie(?) song one more time I will drive my car into a tree. Ok I'm just being dramatic, but stop playing it. Please, for my sanity.

I would really love some zucchini bread. I don't have zucchini, or a bread pan, or any idea how to make it.

I want a day just to read. To read and read and read some more would be awesome.

Lily would like to write on the list too, but she has some spelling/typing issues.

Why are my plant's turning a little brown?

I do enjoy that it has been so sunshine-y lately.

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