Here you Me.

I got home from class tonight and I have that distantly familiar feeling in my eyes again. The tired, drowsy, heavy feeling of a night drive home in a cloud of tears.

I don't even know where it came from except that I'm mentally and emotionally exhausted in a way I haven't been before. I'm caught in a world of balancing- no highs, no lows, no extremes- just trying to keep everything in check. I spend my time in my classes loving what I'm learning and wanting to spend all hours of the day doing that. I come home and remember that now that I am a full-time student I must also keep things around here in order, which seems completely normal to most, but I am a slob. Plain and simple. So keeping things in order takes work for me. I'm helping to plan a wedding that is taking me off in to left field, costing too much, but will be no less than breathtaking. An amazing one night that we spend 6 months coordinating. All I wanted to do was get married and now I remember why I wanted that, but was not anywhere near ready to plan a wedding. I quit my job and still somehow can't come up with a schedule to get everything done.

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"You're the heaviest weight, when you're not here, that's hung around my neck." -DMB

But it will come through at some point, no matter how much I pile on top of it. I miss him. There are things about him that I will always, always miss. I feel so heavy right now. Naturally I'm drawn to remembering his gift of being optimistically carefree. I could melt right into that with the confidence that nothing bad could ever happen if we were together, my footsteps in his, tumbling through this world together.

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"What would you think of me now? So lucky. So strong. So proud. I never said thank you for that. No I'll never have the chance." -Jimmy Eat World

Also on my drive I reflected on where I am now. It started because I was thinking that all I wanted was to be in my little condo bathroom with the yellowish light sitting on the floor in a ball with the warm shower running, steam filling the room, me letting it all out. That led to our house now, and really every time I think of our house now I immediately think of how much love I have for it. That somehow led to a string of thoughts on my hardheadedness and my pride in everything I've been through. Even though it may seem strange to those on the other side, it's like showing off my scars because I lived through it. I had no hope of coming up on the other side of this, and I have, and what it's given me I will share.

~ ~ ~ ~

A night I'm feeling quite weighted down. I am so happy with where I am in life, but losing my independence and gaining another half causes some moments of great introspection. But I am thankful for a loving pup, respectful fiancé, and true friends :)

Late- Big things are happening

Guys, a few weeks ago very VERY big things were happening. I haven't told you about them yet, maybe because they are happening to people around me, maybe I'm just a little lazy... or busy, but here are some announcements.

One of my very best friends had a baby the day before one of my other very best friends got married. DANG.

I get to go meet Molly, and see Pat and Jenny in a few weeks, so more about her then!

But--- one of the coolest wedding I've been to (and I've been to just a few) was Kim and CJ's. Reasons their wedding was so fantastic:

1. They got married on the beach. ON the beach. Without shoes, right in the sand, in front of the ocean. Isn't that everyones dream wedding??

2. We wore no shoes, and it rocked!

3. As bridesmaids we got to get whatever dress we wanted as long as it was in the right color family. EASY and INEXPENSIVE as a bridesmaid!

4. Kim's family is the best at hosting stuff and it was great to see them all :)

5. The music. The music for the ceremony, for the reception, and apparently also for the favor. They had 2 mixed CDs, some people got CJ's mix and some got Kim's mix. Nick is holding the CD hostage in his truck.

Overall- awesome experience! So happy for the Strausses and can't wait to plan a trip to Boston to visit!

The moment when they walked back up the isle and were married. My favorite part.

Comfy

I think of things I want to blog about in the most random places. When I have several spare seconds strung together I come up with whole paragraphs of things I should tell you guys that are very important, or make some point, or seem important to me. I keep thinking of several of these ideas and remembering I needed to blog them. But today a better one came along.

Today is the first day I am no longer part-time working. I am only full-time studenting. And I'm thrilled, but nervous. Honestly the money part makes me worried but I know we can do it without the little bits of money I was bringing in. I got many many things done today like studying for one of my midterms, several little wedding chores, paying a few bills, finishing the laundry, taking little Lily on a walk, organizing my office a bit, etc. I also was able to take my time and budget at the grocery store which seems kinda lame but in my minds eye it's my way to make up for the little bit I'm not bringing in.

Later I was at home, cutting up a red bell pepper I believe, and Nick just got home. He was sitting in the chair watching the TV. We were talking about the downstairs TV and how it seems to be on the fritz. I said something like "it's really no big deal. we have the one upstairs so if this one doesn't last we can just move that one down. we don't really need that one up their anyway." And he agreed. And there was nothing special, but I realized it was everything, right there.

I get so caught up (even though I try not to) in the wedding stuff, and family stuff, and money, and my condo, and my school work, and friends, and the house, and Lily... I forget to look at this life.

Our problem at the moment isn't even a problem.

I'm lucky enough to not be spending my life alone, but sharing it with Nick.

I'm lucky enough to have at least 5 texts on my phone saved so that I remember to carry on the conversation with these friends.

I have the best pet anyone could ask for.

(there she is!)

Things are wrong and things are right.

This is life.

It's not perfect but its really pretty great.

And I feel comfortable. Who knows how long it will last, but today I feel comfortable.

It's all I can think about now.

Got home tonight and feel like I'm walking around with no purpose except not sitting down for too long. Maybe it's better described as when you have 10x too much caffeine in your body and you sit down, stand up, walk around, and all you want to do are the things you can't sit still long enough to do. I just want to scream- DONT YOU KNOW WHATS COMING?!?!

How can you not acknowledge it every time you talk to me this month?

How can you not read my mind and know when things slow down thats where I end up. That day, over and over and over and over in my mind.

How can you try to plan things for that weekend? Like I can do things that weekend.

What am I supposed to do?! Just tell me what I'm supposed to do.

I just want to scream anything. and everything. and all the time. The screams are running through my blood, making me antsy and anxious. Making me think, and not think. Making me want to cry and not be able to cry. Making me mad. Just plain mad at anything that I can be mad at.

I do not want to do this week again. ever. and it keeps coming back.

Dinner- epic Fail.

I make dinner here. I like it. I haven't actually had to cook for more than just me very often so It's fun to be able to try new actual meals. Recently I've really been trying to incorporate more vegetables into what we're eating. I don't love vegetables, but aside from Asparagus, Nick would never eat a vegetable if he could get away with it. Last night I came home from class and asked if he had made any vegetables with the dinner in the crock pot. His response? I had some spinach dip. Um no dear, doesn't count.

Anyway, lets focus. I had a recipe for lemon pepper chicken in the crockpot. Crockpot meals for the day I have classes are fab because Nick can eat and I can eat later when I get home, or whatever. We're not stuck with both of us eating fast food at random times.  From my childhood I had a somewhat severe aversion to lemon flavored chicken. Once, mom made such a dish, and my ever-so-dramatic brother and I were pretty sure she tried to poison us. For months whenever she made chicken we were sure she was putting hidden drops of lemon on the chicken. I thought maybe I'd be a big girl and give it a whirl.

Doesn't it look delicious. Ya, well that picture is not what mine looked like, but that's fine. I'm not in the food biz, I'm just trying to make a yummy, (EASY), healthy dinner for us. 

Here's the recipe:

Lemon Garlic Chicken Crock Pot Recipe

Ingredients:
- 8 boneless skinless chicken breasts
- 10 garlic cloves, finely chopped or minced
- 2 yellow onions, chopped
- 2 cups fat free, low sodium chicken broth
- 1/4 cup lemon pepper seasoning
- 4 tbsp paprika
- 2 tbsp fresh parsley, finely chopped
- 1 tablespoon kosher salt
- 1 tsp lemon zest

Directions:
Rinse the chicken and pat dry. Mix together the lemon pepper seasoning, paprika and salt. Coat the chicken with the spice mixture. Place the coated chicken in the crock pot and cover with the fat free chicken broth, garlic cloves, parsley and onions and lemon zest. Cook on low heat for about 3-4 hours (or until done)

So easy, right? Here's what I did:

1. Plug in and turn on CrockPot

2. Add 8 boneless skinless chicken tenderloins

3. 10 seems like a lot of garlic cloves, so I'll only add 3 chopped.

4. I don't like onions. I'll only add one.

5. Add 2 cups of low sodium chicken broth

6. Shook in about 1/4 cup of lemon pepper seasoning. Seem's like a lot. hmm.

7. I don't have paprika

8. No fresh parsley, but I have some in my spice cabinet. I just sprinkle some in

9. No lemon zest-- substitute lemon juice? sure.

10. Leave for work. Return at 3 pm, stir. Turn to just warm as everything seems cooked.

11. We ate it when I got home at 7:30.

12. OH also, I added a can of whole white potatoes so we had some potatoey thing in the dish. 

Nick dished up our chicken and I nuked some green beans.

We dive in.

I cough. Hmmm I must have had a pepper on that bite!

Nick says he agrees, navigate around the pepper seasoning.

I try a bite of potato and have to find something other than my wine to quench my thirst.

One more bite- it can't be that bad.

I want to vomit.

Nick says, "Want to put in that frozen pizza?"

"ya... scrap this lemon pepper hell."

As I try to drink everything we have in the fridge, Nick makes the pizza.

Bummer. I know I took some liberties, but I usually do and things turn out ok at the very least. I haven't had an epic fail yet. Oh well- no lemon chicken in our future!

Army 10-miler 2010 vs 2011

Last year I set the goal to run the Army 10-Miler with Mike's sister, Amanda. She's had about 5 ACL surgeries and I've never run further than 200 meters so it was a lofty goal but in the spirit of doing things we've never done and honoring Mike's life in a way he would love, we saddled up. I took training seriously as 10 miles is a freaking lot. I started running 1-2 miles in April and it was so difficult for me, but once I got into it, I gradually increased to 4, 5 and even 8 miles before we actually did the race. The last 2 miles of the race were very difficult and all I kept thinking was "Just. Keep. Going." And we finished and I thought- never again will I do this. On the plane ride home I looked at Amanda and thought, ya we could do this again next year. And here we are.

Except this year is much different. I'm in NC but beside that I'm finding every excuse in the world not to run. I've been doing about 2/3 miles every couple days. I'm so worried the 10 miles will kick my butt so hard! The race is in October and tomorrow is the first day of September. Ummm train for a month?! Not exactly the plan. Nick's doing it this year with me, and a bunch of other friends are running. I need to get my butt in gear.

When you're not motivated to complete a goal that you've set, either physical or otherwise, how do you get yourself going?

(see how I'm blogging and NOT running...)

Ketchup

I have been missing and busy. As I'm catching up on blogs I am remembering how much I missed you all- missed my time to reconnect and be introspective. I need that.

As I said I've been busy. I know it's been a while but jump with me, if you will, to where I am now in this crazy life. I am engaged, getting married on New Year's Eve, in a new house, working about 30 hours a week and going to grad school. It all seems like a lot. The last few weeks I have not been myself. Not the "myself" I like, not comfortable in my shoes. With so much going on there is little time to be introspective- such a 180 degree turn from my previous few years of constant introspection and time spent running around inside my own head.

I told Nick the other day, "I'm not feeling happy. I know we have this new house and a fabulous wedding but I'm not feeling happy and I don't know why." I felt so guilty at the same time. I always feel as if I'm letting someone down. As we talked he pointed out that it may feel different to me because for so long I was independent of anyone else. I didn't let people in. I relied on myself and my dog, that was really it. Now that I'm out in the world, working and living and making friends in this new place, people are relying on me. It's quite a transition. He flat out told me, "I could not have this house without you. I need you to be where I am right now." That's scary, and good, and scary again. It's nice to be needed but hard to realize you're back out there, intermingling with the world, able to have an effect on people.

I think they call that "living."