To Killian on Your 6 Month Birthday

 

My Little LoveBug,

Wow, you've been out of my belly and on this earth for 6 whole months! How does it feel?? You're getting this whole "life" thing down, my dear. Sure, you're not perfect, none of us are, but you get the eat, sleep, play, smile, bathe, enjoy-the-day activities and we have a really good time now. 

You have completely changed our lives. And there is no way we could ever thank the Lord enough for making you ours and trusting us to care of you. Sure, I'm your mom and I'll be teaching you stuff your whole life. But you've taught me more in the last six months than I ever expected.

You give me the opportunity to practice patience and deep breaths. I really did not expect to know what I was doing, and I was right; I had no idea. You were quite a fussy little newborn and constant crying tests my patience, being unable to solve your problems tests my patience, willing you to sleep from outside your room tests my patience. Deep breaths, often right in the middle of the storm, help to remind me that this will pass. {What an amazing life lesson you are teaching me!} It reminds me to keep on with what I believe because I know you, and I know me, and we will figure this it. You will stop crying/fall asleep/be ok.

I'm learning from you how difficult it is to do what is both hard and necessary. I'm the mom who would rather rock you to sleep every time than hear you cry for even 5 minutes. I won't apologize for that. But I do need to remember that sometimes you have to learn things on your own so that you can grow into an awesome, healthy, strong young boy. This concept is harder than I imagined, and I know it's only the beginning. Sometimes I may have to hurt you to help you, and I'm sorry about that. I will always try to do what I believe is right for you, even when it's hard. 

You bring out a fierce love in me. I have never in my life loved a being as much as I love you. That's just a fact. It's all consuming. It's scary and worrisome. It's challenging and rewarding and amazing. We made you. You grew inside me and you came from me. It's so much love that it's overwhelming sometimes. In the future, when you are annoyed, irritated, embarrassed, or frustrated with me, just remember that love. That's where whatever I'm doing is coming from. 

I loved your Dad before you were here, obviously. Having you here these last 6 months has changed that love in so many ways. Hearing you two "chat" and seeing how big you smile when you realize he's home from work make days full of tears completely worth it. My love and respect have grown ten-fold for your Dad since you arrived. He's learning just like I am and he's doing a really great job. 

So thanks for being here, my little one. Thanks for being happy, for all the giggles and hugs and finger holds. I can't wait to see how you keep changing and growing in the next 6 months. Don't worry about going so fast though, ok?! I love you.

Love,

Mommy 

I was a really good mom this week.

Mom friends do you ever say this to yourself? It's funny to even type. On the heals of an article my friend posted, I have been thinking a lot about how I talk to myself as a mom. I truly thought that even though motherhood would be stressful and difficult, I would be made for this job. I haven't actually felt that to be true in the way I imagined. 

I've been trying to really use some positive self talk to get myself in a more positive place. "I was a really great mom this week." It was a tough week because Nick was away for 4 days and that always stresses me out and makes me nervous. Lucky it was just 4 days. We had a lot of tears and whines, and the little man's teeth are raising H-E- double hockey sticks, but I was there to comfort him, snuggle him, bounce him, and when it was necessary, give him tylenol. We also had a lot of smiles, some awesome giggly-giggles, fun at bath time, we enjoyed a little gym class, went to the children's museum, practiced standing and sitting up, sang our ABCs, and even got some big smiles at the dreaded tummy time. 

Those of you who are mommies, do you feel good at your job? Will that ever be true? Did you have to manage your expectations with reality? This is what I'm working with right now. 

Sometimes I Feel Invisible

I'm going to be a transparent mom today (well obviously I'm transparent, I blog about our life ha!) There are a lot of days that I feel pretty invisible. Today at a mother's group meeting we played around with making necklaces. I made one that had some clear beads (Killian's birthstone is a diamond) and some blue beads (because he's a boy), and then another section with a ruby colored bead and a feather (because ruby is Nick's birthstone) and then I proudly put it on to see what I thought. If we forget that it's homemade ;) it doesn't look half bad, but you know what I left out? Myself. It seemed interesting that I didn't think to put some of my birthstone on there. There I am, invisible to myself too. 

Our lives with a little one are pretty hectic and having only a few friends in the area doesn't help. I suppose I just get lost in it all sometimes. We go about our day, Nick at work, and me trying to keep K alive and happy. Sometimes it's a good day, sometimes it's a less than ideal day, and many times it feels like Groundhog Day.  Killian's smiles and the laughs he laughs just for me remind me that I'm not invisible. I may be in the trenches, but I'm valuable and necessary to him, and that is worth it all. I've said it before but I'm astonished at how hard mommy-ing can be, and also how amazing it can be.