Monday, August 30, 2010

"Run for the Fallen"

August 28 I ran for the fallen. As part of my list, I wanted to finish a race. I have been training for the Army 10-Miler in October and wanted to do a race before this so that I wouldn't be caught off guard by little "race-like" things, protocol, pressure, whatever. Nick found a perfect race and registered us both for the Run for the Fallen 5K at Ft. Leonard Wood in Missouri. I wasn't sure I'd be able to do it because I intended to start my drive back home on Saturday and finish it Sunday. I was able to move some things around and push back so that I could run. I got excited thinking it fulfilled my wish to run a practice race before the big race. I was not nervous at all to finish a 5K (3.2 miles) because I often run 3 miles as my workout during the week. And I got to run with some people I know, and families, and "for the fallen." What better reason?! We got there Saturday morning and the weather was perfect- it couldn't have been more than 60 degrees when we arrived, and maybe 70 when we began the race.

Favorable conditions...

In the midst of my excitement I forgot to remember what we were remembering that day. We were not just running a race to run a race. And so before the race began, gold star families from the area were recognized. We talked all about how we should never forget. How we are each running a mile for every service member that has been lost. How those we have known, even just as an acquaintance, should always be remembered for their sacrifice. I stood in that crowd, not the small group of gold star families, but as part of the mass of people. Some required to be there by their superior officers, or were doing a group activity, or were support their spouse by jogging along side.

I sat there, mesmerized into the cloud of people with their running gear and race t-shirts, unsure how to acknowledge that I had more than just an acquaintance I was running for.

So we began the run, and all I kept thinking, however trivial, was how I wished I had brought my AWP t-shirt and was wearing that so that people knew, and I could spread the word if need-be. Oh, and of course REPRESENT and draw strength from my ladies. But alas, as I stated earlier, my excited little brain forgot to prepare for this race.

We began to run, masses of people, dogs, strollers, down a gravel path then up a road. Slightly unorganized and a little chaotic but nothing my trained mind for positive self talk couldn't get me out of. I can do this.

Up the hill, around a little bend. We're talking to friends, I'm losing my breath.

I begin to feel this small, deeply buried ball of swirling anger that burns in the way I expect the sun to burn, with hopping lava spots and a bright, hot core. It swells, my positive self talk is drowning, and I can't bring back my calm, rational, running-trained brain and the things I know to be true about me and my running. It always starts off rough, I get warmed up, and if I'm having fun I can knock out mile on top of mile without hesitation. But into the rough is all the farther I got before the anger got to me.

I slow down, deciding I'll do it on my own. Separate from the pack and get serious. Nick looks back and slows a little to stay with me. "You ok?" I nod yes. "Want water?" I nod no. I also know that if I stop, it is very very difficult for me to begin again.

I don't know exactly when, but I'm suddenly overwhelmed by the chanting. Now even just sitting here typing this, the chanting stirs up such madness in me that I can't believe I didn't freak on someone as the troops swallowed me into their formations and passed by on either side. So running, swallowed by these drones, I look forward, fuming. Nick looks back, and lets them know they need to shift right.

I have a little space, but the chanting fucks with my head on so many levels. I didn't expect this. I didn't expect any of this. But I will not quit. Deep breaths. We hit the turn around point, and I slow even more. I don't even know at this point how many troops have swallowed me and spit me out. The thought of it happening again is all that is in my head.

Keep going. Keep going.

The stress makes my brain think in ways I can't control as well as I'd like. I can't do it. My stomach hurts. My head is throbbing. I want to cry but I can't even figure out how. I tell Nick I have to walk. I walk. He walks beside me. I tell him it's ok, he can finish, go ahead. "I'm not leaving you."

So we walk. I wanted to get the cry out, then begin to run again. but I couldn't find it. I knew it was there and I couldn't get it out. We walked for longer than I liked. Longer than he liked too. Then we ran again, slowly, but I knew I could finish at that pace. "See the stadium? We're almost there."

We finished and I looked up at the race clock that said something like 35:00. Awesome time. I walk into the grass. "Stace. Stace!" I walk to the shade. I need to sit in the grass in the shade. That's all I need right now. "I need the shade!" I sit. Nick goes to look for water. I put my head down.

I didn't expect that. I should have been prepared.

We catch our breath, walk back to the truck, drink the water we had there. We are both disgruntled about different things, but we agree that at least we did it. It was for the Fallen. That's a cause close to our hearts.

P.S. also, check off Breakfast at Tiffany's :)

Thursday, August 26, 2010

Oh, hey there

It's been too long. We need to catch up. Ok, ok, yea it was mostly my fault. Ok all my fault. I haven't been updating you like I need to. I've lacked the inspiration to write when I've had the time, and felt the inspiration sleeping in bed in the middle of the night when laziness takes over. I appologize, dear friends, as I get back to keeping you updated on the inner workings of my mind and my world. I have school begining, a race to be training for (its in October!), and more ideas on my mind than I know what to do with. This has caused me to get somewhat bogged down and turned off.

I am making an effort to remember that I do not need to waste energy on what people say or think about me, but invest that energy into doing what is truly me. The authentic version of myself is all I can be.

I want to share a FANTASTIC blog with you by one of my most inspiring and intelligent friends. It's called
Principles of Uncertainty. She began the blog as a list of things she wanted to accomplish, some big, some small, some in all shapes and sizes. I thought it was a great way to remind yourself of the things you want to do and keep track of the great things you've done lately. I follow this blog, and also began a list of my own for some of the same reasons. You will see that my list is set up in much of the same way that she used (cough, cough: exact same). Today I will share some of the items on my list with you :) I'll keep you updated when I accomplish any of these.

Oh the places you’ll go:

1. Visit the Grand Canyon
2. Visit Greece
3. Visit Seattle (2/12/2010)
4. Visit somewhere in Colorado
5. Visit Amanda Fedunok in PA (Dec 2008)
6. Visit Jenny and Pat in Arizona
7. Visit Adam and Katie in Kansas (Jan 1, 2010)
8. Visit Tatiana in Jacksonville, FL (Jan 29, 2010)
9. Take AWP Trip (Jan 29-Feb 1, 2010)

10. Visit Matt in Cincy (August 18, 2010)
11. Visit Justina’s new house(April 28th, 2010)

12. Travel to FL once the Medder’s have a condo (2/20/2010)
13. Take a picture along Rt 66
14. Take a meditation/yoga retreat

Train the Brain
1. Learn some more about Wine
2. Learn to drive a manual transmission vehicle
3. Work on remembering names
4. Do a proper push-up. And then be able to do 25 in a row.
6. Take a creative writing class (started 12/1/09)
7. Back to school- CSU

Home, Sweet Home
1. Paint the master bathroom (10/11/09-- but must be redone)
2. Final touches on the master bathroom
4. Find and purchase New bedding that I really like (1/10/2010) and again (8/11/2010)
5. Purchase a new bed frame (4/5/2010)
6. Put the flag pole back up (11/18/09)
7. Purchase, frame and hang “men on the beam” picture in the kitchen
8. Re-do the kitchen
9. Paint/organize/clean/decorate laundry room
10. Get the couch cleaned (3/30/2010)
11. Downstairs bathroom ceiling fixed
16. Organize garage closet
17. Organize kitchen ‘pantry’- can we use it as a pantry!? (May 2010)
18. New light in the stairwell hallway (May 2010)

19. New light in kitchen hallway

Just because I want to
1. Go to every class type at bally’s, just to try it.
2. Shoot a gun
3. Run a race (5K, 10K, whatever)—Registered for Army 10Miler Ocotober 24, 2010
4. Watch AWP video (11/29/09)
5. Ski
6. Skydive ( AWP get away- 5/20/2010)
7. Go whitewater rafting
8. Meet Casie for dinner (finally! June 23, 2010)
9. Go to a group counseling session (12/9/09)
10. Write my will
11. Get a financial advisor – met Shelia 11/17/09
12. Get my rings insured
13. Swim with Dolphins (Jan 30, 2010)
14. Watch “Breakfast at Tiffanys”
15. Re-read “To Kill a Mockingbird”
16. Read “Catch 22”
17. Donate blood 2x
18. Volunteer somewhere with Animals
19. Volunteer (Feb 2, 2010- current at Boys and Girls Club)
20. Eat MahiMahi (Jan 30, 2010)
21. Spend 24 hours straight outside

1. Update my resume (Jan 22, 2010)
2. Send 1 article to TAPS magazine (sent April 6, 2010)

3. Get published somewhere other than TAPS
4. Start a business, and keep track financially (April 2010)

Lily Related
3. Teach Lily to “roll over”
4. Teach Lily to “be quiet”
5. Be active with Lily to keep her at or within 1lb of 27lbs

There you go- red ones are done as of the date beside them. I'm doing pretty well :)

P.S. I promise to keep up with the blogging!

Friday, August 6, 2010

Where the Road Meets the Sun and more

I can't take credit for finding this song. It's just on repeat tonight, and I found this video. Black and White, live, perfect. Enjoy

Even better:
Wish You Well

Is it bad that I love rainy days? Today seems to be shaping up to be pretty gray and rainy. It's been pouring for a while now. I feel like it's a little more acceptable to lay around in my pjs and watch movies or surf the world wide web if its gray and crappy out. It's like the world saying, "Hey, take today off." Off from what I'm not sure, haha, but it's permission to be off.

Last night I layed down in bed and thought, "Why don't you just come down and lay with me in this extremely comfortable bed and we will pretend for a few hours that none of this happened and all we've really experienced is happiness." Wouldn't that be nice. Even if it didn't happen the way I had secretly wished, I slept pretty soundly, waking up occasionally to see Lily was cuddled against me.

...Sigh. Those moments are great, too.

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Do you follow my LilyLynn Designs blog?? Check it out and follow me there too >> let me know what you think!