Monday, November 24, 2008

2 Months, no thank you

Today is 2 months. He's been gone for 2 months. Oddly enough today is the first day I've spent more than a couple hours by myself. I've been at our house for most of the day, trying to re-organize all of the things that have been piling up. I feel like there were so many things on my "list" that I didn't really make much progress. Everyday I just feel stuck right here.

Baby, I miss you.

Friday, November 21, 2008

I'd take it...

I stole this from another widow's blog but I found myself in a puddle of tears because it is completely true. Some of them may be harder to understand if you aren't familiar with military life, but you should get the drift.

What I wouldn't give...
1) to smell your stinky self after 2 weeks in the field.
2) to drop everything I am doing in order to take something to you at work that you had forgotten.
3) to have you miss another anniversary because you had staff duty (again).
4) to work hard on a dinner that got cold because someone lost a piece of equipment and no one could go home until it was found.
5) to spend another year alone because you got orders to Anywhere.
7) to clean up the whole house because you were coming home and 5 minutes later, there be TA-50 everywhere because you unpacked.
8) to spend another birthday alone because you are in the field training
9) to wish you Happy Birthday over the phone because you are at NTC and to celebrate it when you got back
10) to vacuum my floors at 3AM because you are not home and I don't want to go to bed alone.
11) To wonder where I am going to put the holiday decorations because all the storage space is full with army gear.
12) to be woken at 2am because one of your soldiers is too drunk to drive himself home.
13) to mow the yard or get the oil changed in the car because you aren't home to do it.
14) to get that 3am call because the unit is on alert or because they are doing drug tests.
15) to listen to you cuss at the phone because your soldiers will not wake up and answer the phone for the alert/ drug test (see #13).
16) to go buy dinner and take it to you while you are on staff duty.
17) to quickly steal a kiss because you are in uniform and it isn't "proper"
18) to tuck my hand in the crook of your arm because we shouldn't hold hands while you are in uniform.
19) to buy equipment that the army issues to you, but you would rather have your own and not use theirs.
20) to have a major appliance break down 1 day after you left for a 2 week training mission
21) to get an LES and see that the army has deducted money that they shouldn't have
22) to have to buy a $70 holster because the unit highly encouraged you to get it.
23) to have my furniture start to fall apart because even the best stuff should only be moved a few times.
24) to go months without any physical contact, until you came home again
25) to walk by the computer every 5 minutes, waiting for an e-mail or IM
26) to have your time away from home extended.
27) to try and explain the army to your family.
28) to have to go through the college application and transfer process again because we had to move again.
29) to be stationed at Fort Riley
30) to not get a bonus for re-enlistment because you didn't meet the requirements
31) to miss your promotion because your commander thought it would be cool to wait and do it while training at another base.
32) to get woken up by your sticky, sweaty body after you decide to jump back in bed after PT
33) to put up with your bad mood because someone tried to screw over your soldiers.
35) to get a roll of film in the mail, have it developed, and it be pictures of latrines, equipment, vehicles, people I don't know, the room you are staying in, when all I wanted was a picture of you.
36) to cry because you are leaving... not because you are never coming home.

Michael, I love you. I would give anything and everything to have you back here with me. I know our love is stronger than this and when I have a bad moment, I know you're here with me, helping me through. My baby.

Quick Update- Change of Driection

The update is quick tonight because I'm getting tired, and I've learned that I need to use those moments when I feel tired, otherwise I do not sleep. As you may have noticed a few thing on the blog have changed. I began this blog to keep a journal of the second half of this deployment Mike and I were slowly progressing through. I thought it might be nice in the future, when we are all happy and giddy to be under the same roof, to take a step back and see how much we missed each other. I thought it could help us to cherish what we had because it was finally, FINALLY, what we wanted.

Mike was killed on Sept 24, 2008 while out on a mission. He was detaining 4 people (wow was it hard to force my fingers to type the word "people") and one of them had a suicide vest and decided to detonate. Mike was the closest, his team was following. He was the only one who lost his life on that mission, although a few others were injured. Wow I can't believe I just typed that whole paragraph out. It's just so far from what we pictured for ourselves. No one pictures this for themselves, but it was like I was blindsided. Since he went back after R&R in July, he assured me his new job was "much safer" for the last couple months. He had (Insert small number here) months left. What he didn't tell me, and possibly his only real lie, or lie by omission, was the reactionary force he was a part of. I know he didn't tell me because then I would have been very very freaked out- as it appears would have been warranted.

My brain has been going 50000 miles a min, or 5 miles a min so you may have to endure a bit of rambling and such while I use this as a sounding board to clear my head. Now that my life has taken this change in direction, the blog has gotten a little makeover and change of direction as well.

Michael you are the love of my life, my hero, my heart, my best friend.