Monday, June 29, 2009

Fun with Friends

A couple weekends ago (now) we went to the lake to spend the day and evening. Lily and Reggie came and had a weekend that can only be described as a dog's dream! We took pictures, ate great food, talked and had an all-around good time. Thank goodness I have my wonderful friends.

Last Saturday we finally celebrated my friend Sharon's birthday and I was able to catch up with some people I hadn't seen in a long, long time. I was also able to see Sharon and Rick's current/future house, which I loved!

Thursday, June 18, 2009

So what are you doing this weekend?

Since we all know the wedding is upon us I thought I would share what I know we are doing. I have 2 friends, Amanda and Jenny, who will be traveling from pittsburgh and state college reseptively. Then I have 4 other friends who will for sure be there including roomate Sharon, Jessica, Tanya and Sammy.

A couple of Mikes-turned-my friends may also stop by during the day. We plan to go to a cabin in the Medina area and lay out, drink, take pictures, and drink while eatting a spectacular hot dog and hamburger lunch. Theres even dinner planned- spaghetti and such. And my date Jack (Daniels) can make it too. I am so lucky to have friends who can coordinate the trip without me haivng to do anything. Lily gets to come as well- making it complete!!

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Feeling Like I'm Just Waiting.

Im waiting for Saturday June 20, 2009. We wrote 6.20.09 in the sand in Charleston when we were last there. I can remember counting down from over 365 days. I got so excited when I could tell people we were getting married in June rather thank having to say next June. Then it was a couple months away. Then it was June and I think "we would have been getting married this month" THIS MONTH! Less than 30 days! This week I keep thinking "what would I be doing if I really was planning the wedding of my dreams with 1 week left?" I don't know, we didn't get that far. What am I supposed to do now, without my best friend to stand beside me and do all the typical things that the next steps in life would take. I don't know. I just don't know.

I love you so much baby- you're still everything to me! You be good :)

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

"The Problem with Death is

that I am left looking at myself, naked, under florescent lights, mirrors over and around me." I stole this because I can completely identify with it. I see all of the things about me I hate. My confidence is shattered. I lose the cheerleader for that part of me who knew my positive attributes from top to bottom and could repeat them on the days I needed to hear it.
My view now is just loneliness, and ugliness. You may disagree, but you're not the one who I believe
I feel disgusting. Disgusted that I couldn't do my job to the fullest because I had such a lack of caring. Disgusted that I got laid off. Discussed that I have to find a job when I don't care.

Apathy is my new strongest feeling. Apathy and Anger.

The little girl in me is in full temper tantrum. And even if she was, it wouldn't matter. Nothing brings him back. All I want is him to be back. I have not yet let go.

Our wedding would have been beautiful thanks to his help. It's confusing to me becasue I picture it. I can see it in my head. I can see him in the front of the church with all his guys. He has a huge smile on his face and he's holding himself back from trying to run to me. I see my girls on the other side looking georgous. I see his paretns blooming with smiles and I see all the eyes on me as my father and I walk down that isle toward my new life. Toward the life I really have always wanted. I see it. I see it all - I picked the music...and its just not going to happen. How can I see it so clearly without it happeneing. How didn't we see this coming. I want to talk to you so very badly. Just talk. I miss you. I miss my best friend.

Monday, June 15, 2009

Finally put pictures on my computer...

I just love this picture from another little "photo shoot" with Lily. I also found one on there from the bachelorette party- Mand and me.

Sunday, June 14, 2009

1st Annual MJM Memorial Scholarship Golf Outing- A SUCCESS!

The 1st Annual Michael J. Medders Memorial Scholarship Golf Outing was this Saturday and it was wonderful!! We had over 165 people golf and more than 250 for the steak fry after. It was an amazing time filled with fund-raising, socializing, memories and a little bit of golf :-) Thank you to everyone who had any part in making this such a great day and for helping to continue Michael's legacy! Unfortunately my camera decided it was time to stop working, but here are a few pics I stole from others!

Shots on the golf course with the army guys! We were all so happy they could make it back!

Love you all!

It was a big weekend. Amanda also had her bachelorette party on Friday night. We started with dinner at the Wine Bar and had a great time.

Great weekend- the best in a while. As I wind down today it hits me that I miss Mike as much as ever. I'm completely confident that he is happy with the day and golf tournament that now bear his name. See you next year!

Sunday, June 7, 2009

Disclaimer- This post is made after 1:00am

I would like to discuss some of the things I talked with my counselor about this week because I have been very nervous/ anxious going in there for some reason. Well, honestly I feel nervous/ anxious for a little while now. And she gave me a really great analogy that I think I need to hold onto. She said that when you avoid something as big as this (Read: me avoiding dealing with how much pain I am in from this grief) it just follows you and follows you and you put so much energy into keeping it under control or buried with things that keep you busy, that it is ALWAYS there. She said that what we will do by me deciding I need help moving forward is that she will help me to stop running, turn around, and face it. In a save environment with some strategies in place outside her office to keep me calm and in a safe happy place. That made so SO much sense to me. I am so damn tired, just tired. But I feel guilty because I never get enough done at work, or things around the house, or I forget things, or I can't concentrate. It's like my lists just get longer. She mentioned that I can't be too hard on myself because I am doing a lot, its just a lot of running away and I could catch up without first being a slacker.

***2 weeks*** until our wedding day. I'm willing to bet the whether will be gorgeous- perfect temperature. Sun. I have friends planning activities for me. A visit to the cemetery and then the rest of the day by the cabin near the lake. Better than sitting here wallowing...

I'm still not sure how I'm going to make it through these summer months. T has got my back for sure, and that helps. I'll just keep my cell phone by my side and keep pushing forward.

I miss you so much baby. Happy 2 weeks till OUR DAY!!! :-)