Friday, March 26, 2010

Get Some Comfortable Shoes...

I'm feeling the weight of the march that is about to begin. I have been able to breathe the last few months but I'm starting to get nervous. The march through the rest of the year, through each day, each anniversary... how many times will I have to walk this path? I'm getting nervous, I feel it nipping at my heals.

April...3 years ago he proposed. May... take a breath. June... the wedding. July... the last time I saw him. August... my birthday. September... a complete 2 years? October... We met. November... your birthday. December... Happy Holidays.

This is my walk, my march, the way the last 9 months of my years feel. It's so heavy. Heavy looming on top of me. All of these days that should be so happy, all of these occasions we should be celebrating together. I can't belive they feel the way they do now.

About a week ago I took a new arrangement of fake flowers to the cemetary thinking it may still get cold and snow and they would be a better choice for another month or so. I immediately remembered that in about a month I would be taking him flowers so often for the rest of the year. April 21 begins our walk. 3 years ago he proposed. I've been engaged for 3 years when it was supposed to be 2 years and 2 months. One day less, actually.

I'm holding you close and trying to remind myself to continue walking in the direction you pointed me. Give me a push if I need it, ok?

(Edited to add the FULL version :) )

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

A More Satisfying Entry

My new sign as you walk up the stairs. Many of my friends know that I've said before my previous one was mocking me-- daring me to live the life I dreamed. I feel better seeing this when I get home. It is so much more "where I am right now."

Along these lines, this theme I am feeling lately, I have more to share.

I'm quoting from another blogger, one of my close friends, Kim,
"And he deserves so much more than me wishfully thinking and waiting on death. This is the choice between sitting in the dark, waiting on death, or venturing back into the light.; even if it is without my greatest joy."

What a powerful statement. I was reading through her last few posts and when I read this one it just hit me. It's so well put, and so easy to understand. I guess it takes a long time and a long journey to actually understand it, to feel how true it is, and to want to live that way. When I read this I can picture the nights where I've sat in my bed, drowing in tears, begging to be able to be with him again. But she is right, her Love, mine, they all deserve more than us waiting, just waiting. It's been this theme I've seen revealed lately, and it's so accurate to what Mike would say to me. The way he lived was to take every opportunity that presented itself. I'm trying so hard to remember that as I keep walking forward. I'm walking forward with him and I won't let go, and I wont move on. He will wakl forward with me, and he will show me in ways that only he can. Crazy to think, but I can feel that so strongly in me now.

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Small revelations are big revelations in this journey.

I began talking to my counselor today, after 2 whole hours of sleep, about how I feel. How am I feeling in the middle of the night when I can't stop my brain and I'm afraid to fall asleep because of the bad dreams. Angry. Angry and tired, and completely overwhelmed. We start discussing anger, how to express anger, how I feel my anger is disproportionate in most everyday events. When I get mad about something little I start to boil. But I feel like I never confront anyone about what upsets me. I feel walked on. I gave up "not being confrontational" for lent in an effort to try and feel better. I'm scared to let my anger out. We start thinking about why I feel so scared to be angry... and the pieces start to fall. And I swear to God he is right there with me helping to reveal everything I'm about to realize. I don't know if people can grasp this but in this way, everything he was was what I wanted to be. I always told him I just wanted to be happy. Please don't ever let me end up constantly mad, negative, upset. It's not how he dealt with his anger and it was one of the reasons we fit so well. He is a positive spirit, a positive person, and I wanted to soak that up from him; let him fill me with his positivity. I was so comfortable with him and I was confident that I could rely on him to protect me from ending up that way. And he still has. He helped me realize I'm figuring out my anger issues now so I don't pass them on. I'm doing the work now so I can't pass them on. It ends here. If I make it to the future I will make it there happy. I will be happy, he promised me that. Today I feel like that is possible. He can still help me to get there. He leads me there. (umm babe, a bit drastic. but I appreciate it none the less).

So in exploring this anger idea I realize that there aren't only 2 freaking ways to deal with being upset over regular everyday issues. I don't have to keep it all in and feel like I'm walked all over, and I don't have to express it in a yelling, hurtful way. I don't have to be afraid of it, it's not wrong. There's a place in between, and it's healthy anger, and it's assertive, and it's not scary. You just address the issues, and start with "I feel upset that..." and that doesn't hurt anyone or me. It's what people do. It's non-threatening. There's a difference between confrontation and anger. Anger can be healthy. I see it weekly when I volunteer with the little kids- they get angry, they address it, they move on. You don't have to carry it around. It won't breed on top of itself. You won't get more angry and more angry. You live life, and you are happy, and people respect you because you can communicate your anger. SO TRUE- I respect those people. I look up to those people. MIKE IS ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE.

You don't understand the Revelation this is to me. In 2 ways- in the way that I don't have to end up an angry person. I can be happy. I can be happy and have healthy moments of things that upset me. I don't have to hold onto it for longer than that. AND I can feel safe exploring the anger I feel for Mike being taken. We didn't do anything wrong. He didn't do anything wrong. It's unfair and frustrating and I can't control it. And that isn't disproportionate, I feel it. I feel that anger in my chest and in my hands. I wake up with fists, and nail marks on the inside of my palms from gripping so tightly, sweating from head to toe and shaking under my blanket. I grind my teeth. I have headaches, and I feel it. But I can work with it. And I won't get stuck in this angry crazy world if I do. It's overwhelming and powerful and I can express it appropriately and safely and privately. Expressing it may calm it down, but I'll never get rid of it. But it won't make me an angry person. I can be happy.

that's so crazy to me. like out of this world.

Today reminds me why I continue to go to my counselor. Sometimes i have nothing new to talk about. and every once in a while- this !

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Here's where I want to be...



Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Peaceful Easy Feeling

Does he know we have a flagpole? This is what I thought today, our first day over 45 degrees in ages, as I stepped out on the porch at dusk to take it down for the night.

This song in my head... it's true, but somehow the opposite of the thoughts that are with me today. I don't feel like I have a place. I don't know how much I felt like I had a place before losing Mike, but I think, like a lot of things, there is no way you can realize these things until this situation has happened to you, and it doesn't happen to most people. Like in what situation do you really look back and see a completely different life for your future. Think about it, if you saw it for your future, wouldn't it be your future. Or at least the future you think you're headed toward. Not in this case. Maybe that is the problem. I still can't see a future. I don't know what to see, especially compared to how clearly I saw it before. The job I liked, the homecoming (!), the wedding, our normal time, kids, family, fun in the sun! I try to force myself into seeing something now, but it's all a charade. It's not a future I truly believe will happen. See, I don't really believe that the plans we make will pan out. I know, I know, that sounds horrible. Those of you living what you've waited for, the lucky ones that get to realize their visioned futures, you can't fathom what I'm saying. But that's good. I have said before, "Do you think people actually get that? The dreams that they plan actually come true?"

Anyway, I'm not sure when these days started to feel like a normal life, but they did, more than I ever expected. Some days are like this though. I have these feelings inside that I am surprised aren't always sitting on the surface. But I feel useless, placeless, floating around in a weird loneliness. And, at the moment, not peaceful or easy.

Stuck in my head...
Peaceful Easy Feeling

I like the way your sparkling earrings lay,
against your skin, it's so brown
and I wanna sleep with you
in the desert tonight
with a billion stars all around
'cause I gotta peaceful easy feeling
and I know you won't let me down
'cause I'm already standing on the ground
And I found out a long time ago
what a woman can do to your soul
Ah, but she can't take you anyway
You don't already know how to go
and I gotta peaceful, easy feeling
and I know you won't let me down
'cause I'm already standing on the ground
I get this feeling I may know you
as a lover and a friend
but this voice keeps whispering in my other ear,
tells me I may never see you again
'cause I get a peaceful, easy feeling
and I know you won't let me down
'cause I'm already standing on the ground
'cause I'm already standing...
on the ground

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Ramble, Ramble

It has really been a strange day. I have been running through the past few weeks without really looking around. I get so overwhelmed and frustrated when I do that, somehow, I've been able to avoid it. But today, due to the fact that it is the ONLY thing I will solidly schedule, I went back to my counselor. I went there thinking I had nothing to talk about and left without talking about anything new.

"Let's explore these bad dreams..." was all she needed to say. Lately I have been feeling so numb, unable to cry even if I try. I still feel sad and grieve, but I can't let myself get moved to tears. I can't let myself. And somehow sitting there on that stupid couch, where for no reason at all I feel completely compelled to share everything, I welled up in tears. "I worry about what he went through. What he thought. What he felt." Suddenly I couldn't breathe. Damn you, couch. I remember (reluctantly) when the men were at our house that morning. I couldn't think much or talk about it until someone got there, someone from my side, which turned out to be Kim, followed by my parents, followed by nothing I actually remember. After they told me what I was dreading hearing, I remember my first thought: Did you really just tell me that on our porch. Really? And my second thought, which I expressed to them, the only thing I really said relating to Mike while they were here. "Do you think he knew? I hope he didn't know..." Bless his heart, the older one said that it sounds like Mike had no idea. He didn't know what happened, all he knew was who I was and that my fiancee was gone.

That's all I said. I offered them some water, like a little hostess at a party or something. "Do you guys need something to drink?" And the one man kept trying to tell me how things would proceed. He obviously didn't get that I was waiting until someone got there. Just let someone get here, and see that this is absurd, and they will fix it. Mom and Dad can fix it. Surely his parents can fix it. Maybe Kim, once she gets here, will clear everything up. I'll call Katie, she'll know what's going on.

And then I don't remember. Kim got here, I blathered on, the men left, mom and dad got here, the Medders got here... everyone kept hugging. I think I showered. But I have no idea what the time frame for the next few days is. I was just there. Every morning I woke up, it would hit me like a freaking house and I would think that there is no way it could be true. He would never leave me. It just wasn't possible. I have little memories of the next few days, walking around in the Medders back yard, talking to Amanda about how we could actually see the future, the wedding, our kids playing together. Not eating, Mom making milkshakes and scrambled eggs, Justina tying that yellow ribbon on my wrist, Dad and Matt hanging a flag over the balcony. I can't put any of these events in a particular order. Katie getting there, Justina getting there, picking a plot at the cemetery, eating a ham like I hadn't been fed in days (umm or just hadn't eaten anything). Shaking, I was shaking all the time. I was cold, people gave me blankets and sweatshirts. I have never cared less to hear what people had to say, I've never before actually stopped listening when people were talking.

I fought tooth and nail to keep from getting used to this life I wake up in everyday now. This life decided to drag me, with my heals stuck straight into the ground, away from those days, and toward whatever. Whatever the heck I'm headed toward I don't know. How do I head toward something, when I've tried not to, and not move away from him? I don't know the logical answer, except that he's the other part of my soul. And when you have that other part in a person, I guess you can keep it. I can't keep it physically, and in all the ways we planned, but it's still here. The way that I feel isn't changing and I have complete confidence in him, knowing how I feel.

(Wow that was quite a tangent- if you made it all the way through, here's your cookie!)

Monday, March 1, 2010

Fireflies and Poppies


I finally framed it and placed it near the TV (that I'm facing far too often). It was a gift at Christmas from a dear friend and when I opened it and took the time to take it all in, I welled up in tears. It's one of those gifts that is so thoughtful- the kind you get really excited to give. Everytime I look at it, I know it belongs here. Instant gratification- a less obvious picture of my two loves :)

Thanks, Dess :)