Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Last year I set the goal to run the Army 10-Miler with Mike's sister, Amanda. She's had about 5 ACL surgeries and I've never run further than 200 meters so it was a lofty goal but in the spirit of doing things we've never done and honoring Mike's life in a way he would love, we saddled up. I took training seriously as 10 miles is a freaking lot. I started running 1-2 miles in April and it was so difficult for me, but once I got into it, I gradually increased to 4, 5 and even 8 miles before we actually did the race. The last 2 miles of the race were very difficult and all I kept thinking was "Just. Keep. Going." And we finished and I thought- never again will I do this. On the plane ride home I looked at Amanda and thought, ya we could do this again next year. And here we are.
Except this year is much different. I'm in NC but beside that I'm finding every excuse in the world not to run. I've been doing about 2/3 miles every couple days. I'm so worried the 10 miles will kick my butt so hard! The race is in October and tomorrow is the first day of September. Ummm train for a month?! Not exactly the plan. Nick's doing it this year with me, and a bunch of other friends are running. I need to get my butt in gear.
When you're not motivated to complete a goal that you've set, either physical or otherwise, how do you get yourself going?
(see how I'm blogging and NOT running...)
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
I have been missing and busy. As I'm catching up on blogs I am remembering how much I missed you all- missed my time to reconnect and be introspective. I need that.
As I said I've been busy. I know it's been a while but jump with me, if you will, to where I am now in this crazy life. I am engaged, getting married on New Year's Eve, in a new house, working about 30 hours a week and going to grad school. It all seems like a lot. The last few weeks I have not been myself. Not the "myself" I like, not comfortable in my shoes. With so much going on there is little time to be introspective- such a 180 degree turn from my previous few years of constant introspection and time spent running around inside my own head.
I told Nick the other day, "I'm not feeling happy. I know we have this new house and a fabulous wedding but I'm not feeling happy and I don't know why." I felt so guilty at the same time. I always feel as if I'm letting someone down. As we talked he pointed out that it may feel different to me because for so long I was independent of anyone else. I didn't let people in. I relied on myself and my dog, that was really it. Now that I'm out in the world, working and living and making friends in this new place, people are relying on me. It's quite a transition. He flat out told me, "I could not have this house without you. I need you to be where I am right now." That's scary, and good, and scary again. It's nice to be needed but hard to realize you're back out there, intermingling with the world, able to have an effect on people.
I think they call that "living."