Night

Sometimes at night when he falls asleep before me, I turn toward him and watch his outline against the shade-covered window.
I listen to him breathe calmly in and out. Steady. Unwavering.
Those moments calm me, and I soak them in.
I watch his chest move up and down, and I thank any and all of the powers that be that he is laying next to me, heart beating strong, body working perfectly.
I memorize those breaths, how they sound.
I take mind pictures of his profile, the way is forehead is relaxed, the proportions of his face.
I memorize these moments so I can remember and repeat them to myself.


You never stop being a (n almost) widow.  I have habits, like this one, that are the result.  I'm lucky and thankful to have him, and I pay more attention and log more memories.  My past reminds me to live fully in these moments before they are just memories.

Wiener Dog Races and Some Boating

We had an absolutely fantastic Saturday! We have been very busy the last couple weeks and had zero plans this weekend except keeping our schedules open and going with the flow. The weather was great and Saturday morning there was an event called "Paws on Poyntz" where our city shut down a main street for wiener dog races, canine couture fashion show and local vendors. One of the local restaurant's even offered their patio to customers who may want to eat with their pooch. Bowls of doggie water were available everywhere.  We took Lil and went to check it out!

Later in the day, we decided we needed some boat time. Unfortunately our boat is still being "tuned up"- they've had it for a month- we are less than thrilled with their service.

We have a couple good friends who just bought a boat and they invited us to tag along. It was SO NICE to relax and be on the water and get some sunshine. I hadn't been to this lake yet- it was huge. We met up with another friend who has an amazing boat, and spent the day tubing, and skiing and just sunning with some fun people! 

I made this one extra large because how amazing is that boat!? It has a speaker system and a bathroom! A boat to aspire to own!! :)

The weekend was refreshing and relaxing and I'm glad we had a little time to decompress. This week is about to get pretty busy! 

Hope you had a great weekend too!

Authentic Appreciation

I've been playing around with the blog- have you seen the few background changes? I can't decide what I like so I'm just dabbling a bit in some different things. As I've been back through a year or so of posts I have noticed a few things and mostly the blog has been pretty chaotic. Obviously the original purpose, circa post one and two, were to keep track of the second half of a deployment. From there we all know life took quite a dramatic shift and as I navigated through the ins and outs of that, the blog was simply a representation of my feelings and where I was. It often helped me "get it out" and then process and identify with others who were, or have been in the same place.

As I seem to have identity crises, so follows my little blog. In the last year I have been growing and learning and changing, as we all do. I have tried to convey feelings here and within the last year I have had so many positive things happen-- but reading back through the blog makes me feel mostly gray. Please don't think I live in the depths of depression consistently.  I recognize that when I feel my strongest emotions are when I like to write them down, and I guess this year, minus the wedding posts, those are the feelings I've been identifying with. 

A lot of great things are going on in life right now, and sometimes I catch myself remembering that I never thought I'd be back here. I can't scream loud enough how lucky I feel to be where I am and have the perspective I have. All I've ever wanted (I'm talking EVER, since like kid-hood) was to be happy. To figure out how to take things in stride, appreciate what's worth it in life, and smile and laugh more than I cry and complain- that's my dream. 

Great things are happening- I have amazing friends, who are now starting to have amazing BABIES :) I have probably the best dog on the face of the planet. My husband lets me be me even when it drives him up the wall! I am starting school again on Monday and that mean's I'm one day closer to doing what I would really love to do everyday.  I have a job that I can totally handle, and get to see people every day who make me smile in their own quirky ways. This is what it's about- and shifting my focus is where I am at. Authentic appreciation, not perfection. Happiness and joy- this is what I'm striving for.

Apache Troop Commader

A lot of things have been happening: A trip home to see some family, following twitter all day yesterday to hear about the birth of a new baby boy, and today Nick took command. Here's a little photo from today -so proud of him!

My Husband Takes a Turn

Nick recently had some training that hit a little close to home for us. We talked a lot during those two days and tried to keep each other in a "now" state of mind. I asked him if he would be open to writing a blog post for you all, just about his training and how he felt. I think it might be interesting to hear from his point of view.  Below is his post, enjoy!

            The Army sucks at establishing priorities!  I am preparing to take command of a troop of soldiers and so the Army requires me to take a myriad of classes in preparation.  There are tidbits of great information, some good and a lot of repeated, convoluted and useless information.  This week I was sent to the casualty notification (CNO) and casualty assistance officer (CAO) course.  This is a two day course that covers, as the name implies, how to notify the families of casualties of the death of their loved one, and how to assist the family with all the important tasks in the months thereafter.  We were sent so that as commanders we would understand the process and also it is our unit’s turn for this very solemn duty.

            I was deployed with Stacey’s previous fiancé.  In fact, I served under Mike while he was an executive officer and acting commanding officer for about a month.  I knew Mike, but not well.  I wouldn’t even say I had the privilege of calling him a friend.  I remember the night that Mike was killed.  I was filling out a report on a computer in the troop command post.  The computer was in the same room where we monitored the radios.  All of a sudden someone called in a contact report (which means they had come under attack).  As the details unfolded we realized Mike had been very close to the explosion and was seriously injured.  I ran out to get the other three platoon leaders, the guys who could call Mike a friend, and told them that he had been hit.  I remember looking up at the stars that night and thinking of Mike’s fiancé and how this would change her life.  Mike was battling for his life at that moment, but I knew either way that across the world Stacey would either be receiving a call or a car would be pulling up to her door with the terrible news.  The next day a car pulled up to Stacey’s door.

            As I sat in class this past Wednesday it was very different than the other classes I have taken.  This one was personal, and it was difficult.  Everything we spoke about brought thoughts of this difficult time in my wife’s life.  Stacey and I texted back and forth during our breaks, as we often do, and she reminded me that she is happy now and everything is ok.  That helped.  During our texts I got the idea that maybe Stacey could come in and share her story, and from her experience what helped her and what the Army did that she did not like.  Like most things in the Army, training is very structured and usually with a lot of PowerPoint slides.  As I said at the beginning, we also go through a lot of classes.  So it is very easy for soldiers to just want to check the block on training and move on to the next item on their list.  This training was too important!  I remember a widow friend of Stacey’s who we got to spend some time with, Jayme.  Jayme had an awful experience with her CAO.  Her experience was so bad that she has done graduate work on how the Army trains our CNOs and CAOs.  I thought that this was an opportunity to show at least my class of twenty-five soldiers that these are real people and that if we have to perform this duty we are changing their lives forever.

            Stacey agreed and we scheduled a time for her to come in the next morning.  She did an awesome job!  I am so proud to have her as my wife.  I took away a great deal from this course.  I learned about the process and through reflection and conversation with Stacey I learned about the non-tangible aspects of the process, the emotions involved, what goes through the head of someone hearing the terrible news, the things that are difficult to put on a PowerPoint slide.  I believe that Stacey was able to pass some of that on to the other soldiers in my class and it is my hope that if they are called to do this duty they will be able to do it with the reverence and honor that is required.  Our unit’s roster has been turned in to do our duty.  I hope I don’t receive a call to do it, but if I do I will be ready.  

Have you met my husband?

Have I introduced you to Nick? He's a pretty amazing guy who decided to marry me even after he heard about all of my crazies. Here are 20 things you should know about him :)

1. He is a 2007 graduate from The United States Military Academy at West Point. He is an armor officer and spent 10 months in Iraq.

2. When he answers questions, quite often, he will use a lot of words. It's ok. It's because he just wants to convey as much of what he knows to you so that you can know it too.

3. He claims he is "from" 3 states- Kansas, Colorado, and North Carolina. In all actuality he lived in Colorado for 3 and a half years. He just loved it so much he will always claim it.

4. He introduced me to the word "Emo" and just laughed when I was sure he meant "Elmo."

5. If possible, he loves my precious Lily more than me.

6. He has a lifelong dream to own and American Bulldog.

7. Sometimes, and I say this with love, you could mistake him for a 60 year old man. Cigars on the porch, scotch drinking, and calling the police on younger kids have all happened within the last year of living with him.

8. He has a heart 3 times the size of a regular man. He dreams of fixing the world.

9. He has wanted to be a father his entire life. "If it were up to Nick, we'd have kids yesterday." I've said that a lot.

10. He is the most intelligent man I know.

11. He is not a good golfer, but tries to play as much as possible.

12. Supportive doesn't accurately describe how he handles my dream to go back to North Carolina to finish my master's program and work in Mental Health. It will be what happens next, and I never have to ask for that.

13. He is a clean, neat, organized man. He keeps our place clean, neat and organized in spite of my drop-things-where-you-want mentality.

14. He can speak Urdu. Well, he could speak Urdu well about 6 months ago and hates everyday that he is losing it.

15. He has 2 tattoos and a brand. Yes a brand. They all have meaning, God and Country.

16. I am jealous of how strong and secure he is in his faith. He challenges me every time I think I know why I believe what I believe.

17. Staying healthy is very important to him and he loves to run.

18. He also loves pizza.

19. He makes amazing breakfasts. Pancakes are a staple, but he can make a damn good waffle, scrambled eggs, eggs over easy, and even bacon.

20. Before he asked me to marry him, he contacted a jeweler in Seattle to make the ring. Seattle is the first place we traveled together. He then spent months in communication with them on how the ring needed to be designed. Why 7 small diamonds here and why 3 small diamond there. Then he worried about it not being big enough. (see pic)

BONUS 5:

21. When I have headaches he massages my neck and runs his fingers through my hair. It helps.

22. He can't wait to be more involved in a political campaign.

23. He is the oldest in the family. He has a younger sister and brother. He also has 2 younger half-sisters and a half-brother. He never uses the "half" when he refers to them.

24. He's so, so funny.

25. I'd be lost without him.

There you have it- 25 random things about my man. Now you know him better :)

My Weekend in Photographs

This weekend Nick sent flowers to my work since I started off Friday in a bit of a slump, then we celebrated St. Patrick's Day with a few beers, and a 13th birthday with a cake. Lily was also due for a nail trimming... and as you can see, I cut a little too low. Her paw bled for a while, so we bandaged it, which she hated. Then I tried to bandage and put a sock on-- at one point she had panty-hose on it. It was a little debacle. Nick decided that we would use liquid bandaid (read: superglue). It stopped the bleeding and she rested with dad. Ahhh the weekend... Hope you all had a good one!

I Home-Freaking-Made this Dinner!

I usually plan our weekly meals from one of 2 places, Pinterest or my favorite cookbook from my cousins for my bridal shower. Last week (which happened to overflow into this week because we had so many left-overs) was a Pinterest week.

This one, Spinach Mushroom and Pesto Lasagna, took a lot of effort, and was my second lasagna ever home-making, but I was DANG proud of myself for this one.

(that's not mine.)

The receipe and original blog it came from are linked below. I had fun learning to make this one. the Mr. asked repeatedly if I could add some meat, even maybe the ground, frozen, buffalo burgers we had would suffice. I told him no.

I didn't homemake the pesto this time, but other than that and the noodles, it was fully homemade lasagna and it was pretty delicious!


It's a fantastic no-meat meal, probably great for Lenten Fridays. Also, it's really easy to make it ahead and freeze! Find the original reciepe and all the info from The Other Side of 50

Even Nick loved it :)

Morning Hugs, Music & Plants

These are today's happy things. I love music, and I haven't had a new music in a while. Downloaded an album (ya, I'm so cool I call it an "album") this morning at work to accompany some of my paperwork and organizing I needed to get done. I fell head over heals for The Civil Wars. Listen to my favorite one so far below. I literally (really- literally) get goosebumps when I listen to it because it just freaking strikes something in me.

Dance Me to the End of Love

The Civil Wars

Dance me to your beauty like a burning violin
Dance me through the panic 'til I'm gathered safely in
Lift me like an olive branch and be my homeward dove
And dance me to the end of love
Please Dance me to the end of love

Let me see your beauty when the witnesses are gone
Let me feel you moving like they do in Babylon
Show me slowly what I only know the limits of
And dance me to the end of love
Please Dance me to the end of love

Dance me to the wedding now

Dance me on and on

Dance me very tenderly

And dance me very long
We're both of us beneath our love
We're both of us above
And dance me to the end of love
Won't you dance me to the end of love

Next, we have my little sprouts. This morning I looked at my little mary-gold plants and they have sprouts! Last time I looked there was only one, now there are many! I can't wait till there are actually flowers :)

Lastly, and probably bestly, I woke up this morning after a crappy nights sleep to my husband's hugs and encouraging words. I was groggy, as I normally am, but I told him that I didn't sleep that well. As I just stood there he wrapped his arms around me and said, "I'm sorry baby. Take a nice warm shower and we'll get some coffee in you. You'll feel better then." He was warm and clean-smelling and confident. Sometimes I can't get enough of him. Those were perfect words for me in my barely awake state. Thanks to that lovely man I started the day off on the right foot.

Becoming a Mrs.- The Party (Part 2)

Once we were married we were completely on a high.

After some formal pictures...

(Sorry some of these are so big :/)

We cheered with the bridal party on the limo to the reception, came in the secret back entrance, went up in the big elevator to enter from the grand staircase.

Upstairs we got to see how beautiful the place looked all set up, and we got to primp a little and take out my vale. Our parents and bridal party were introduced down the grand staircase to the song "Forever" by Chris Brown. In case you're not sure what that is, it's the song in the Youtube video that the Office spoofed for Jim and Pam's wedding. It rocked. Nick and I enjoyed watching everyone walk in and cheered for all of them!

We came in to "Home" by Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros.

Dad gave a fantastic toast, and everyone filed into their seats.

We greeted some people there, ate dinner, heard fantastic MOH and BM toasts. Let me say that I know again I am a bit biased, but these toasts were phenomenal. Firstly the videographer rolled up RIGHT in front of them, big light and all, and I looked to my MOH and said "umm sorry about that- good luck!" But they were great! No one talked too long, no one talked about inside jokes the whole time, and there weren't too many tears shed. MOH went first, making it funny, touching on the first trip Nick and I took, how much she heard about Nick, and something I told her about a week before about how Nick and I decided that if we need to talk the day of our wedding we would. I remember telling her, just as she recounted, that he was the only person who could calm me down if need be. She did a great job!! BM (unbeknownst to MOH, the person we visited on our first trip together) also talked about our visit, about how he was hesitant to like me before making sure I wouldn't break Nick's 3-times-too-big heart, and how all he heard about after that was me. We even toasted with Jameson, compliments to the weekend we met in Manhattan, KS.

It all went so fast, we ate a little, tried to talk to a few tables
(spent most of that time talking to my special friends!)
and then it was cake time.

The only bite of cake I had that night was the small bite Nick fed me, ever so sweetly.


The only bite of cake Nick had was the bite of cake I shoved into his face. The pictures kinda look like I punched out some teeth, but that's just mean.


We did our first dance,


I danced with my dad,


Nick danced with his mom


and step-mom.



We did the anniversary dance, there was some fun and laughter and then...

WE BROKE IT DOWNNNNNN!

The party part of this evening was probably the best party ever! I danced, danced, and danced some more. Nick danced, smoked cigars outside in the unseasonably warm weather, and danced. We drank, laughed, made rounds, and celebrated.

Friends and family filled the dance floor the entire night. As it got close to midnight there were top hats and crowns and everyone had poppers and noise makers. We brought in the new year, sent silver sparkling confetti flying, and kissed at midnight- our first midnight as a married couple!

More dancing followed, uniforms slowly fell off throughout the night, we drank from a stetson, there was the worm, some Michael Jackson moves, and my brother slid on the floor like a breakdancer. Nick and I left at the right time- I was laying on the floor happy and ready. The next day, even with our slight headaches, we kept recounting memories of how awesome the night was.

The whole weekend never could have been close to as amazing as it was without all the contributing parties; my parents, nick's parents, my seven bridesmaids, Nick's seven groomsmen, our 4 small attendants, the ushers, the readers, and all of those people who helped out without acknowledgement. Thank you, thank you, a million times thank you!

Again, professional photos complements of Steven Mastroianni at www.smastro.com

Becoming a Mrs. (Part One)

The wedding- the spotty version as I remember it:

I can't say enough how beautiful, and (literally) perfect everything was for our wedding. Everyone probably says that, but for ours it is true ;)

As the girls and I were waiting in the back room of the church, it was too early for me to put my dress on and the guests began to arrive. Now, it may just have been my endorphins but I began to notice a warm glow take over.

It was the vision I had all along, that I recognized as soon as it took shape, but I could never place it before that night. It was my wedding, as I have always known it.

Nick arrived with his men and all my girls watched from the window, teasing me about how I had to stand in the back corner. I said aloud "I guess I can officially say we're REALLY getting married!"

I step into my dress and my bridesmaid zipped it up with no hesitation. I have to pause a second and tell you how completely thrilled I was that the dress fit so exactly right. About a week earlier it was very, very tight and I was slightly uncomfortable with the way it clung to me.

All day I'd been saying that I was anxious, excited, but not nervous. It was true; I was confident. In no way, shape or form did I feel like this wasn't exactly what we were supposed to be doing.

All my ladies wrote a message on the bottom of my shoes, my something blue.

Dress on, photographer and videographer in the building, someone came back in our room and said, "We're sending people to the balcony!" Awesome- let's pack 'em in!

Sparkling shoes, something borrowed garter and I'm dressed.

At one point as I asked my MOH if she saw Nick out there and she replied, "I see you dad and a LOT of uniforms." That made me so thrilled and even more anxious!

Then it proceeded:

Time for the mothers. Nick's Step-Mom and Mom go down the isle, then my mom and my brother.

Bridesmaids turn... but I hang back because guests are still arriving. MOH hangs with me, we have a little moment. No idea what we said but I wouldn't have wanted anyone else with me :)

Ok, her turn.

I come out, dad tears up.

I'm so ready.

I hear the music, I love it.

They close the doors... we get in place.

One cousin fixes my train, hair, etc. while the other organizes our pre wedding secret (possibly my favorite part).

Our song starts and we see everyone stand.

We wait.

Doors open, we smile and here we go. I don't remember faces from the first half of our walk, I looked straight at Nick. He looked perfect.

I saw my uncle and aunt, I saw my bridesmaids, I saw my brother. I looked back at Nick as he bends his head down and wipes his eyes. I thought for a split second "Wow! I'm not bawling!"

Then we just rolled forward.

Hugged my dad, grabbed Nicks arm and it was over in 20 min.

We were married! I remember toward the end thinking that we got to kiss soon and I was excited.

Then we left, man and wife.

We read the inside of each wedding band because we had them engraved without telling the other one what it said. We loved that our engravings were so similar.

Nick loved my dress, I loved being with him again.

It was magical, as I guess I always hoped it would be. It was very "us"- we wrote our vows, we picked a place, flew in a pastor, had our closest friends. There was meaning behind most every thing. It was special, and perfect, and I can't imagine a single thing changed to make it any more so.

-- All the professional photos were taken by our outstanding photographer- find him here! Steven Mastroianni Photography

(to be continued...update on the part next time...)