To Killian on Your 6 Month Birthday

 

My Little LoveBug,

Wow, you've been out of my belly and on this earth for 6 whole months! How does it feel?? You're getting this whole "life" thing down, my dear. Sure, you're not perfect, none of us are, but you get the eat, sleep, play, smile, bathe, enjoy-the-day activities and we have a really good time now. 

You have completely changed our lives. And there is no way we could ever thank the Lord enough for making you ours and trusting us to care of you. Sure, I'm your mom and I'll be teaching you stuff your whole life. But you've taught me more in the last six months than I ever expected.

You give me the opportunity to practice patience and deep breaths. I really did not expect to know what I was doing, and I was right; I had no idea. You were quite a fussy little newborn and constant crying tests my patience, being unable to solve your problems tests my patience, willing you to sleep from outside your room tests my patience. Deep breaths, often right in the middle of the storm, help to remind me that this will pass. {What an amazing life lesson you are teaching me!} It reminds me to keep on with what I believe because I know you, and I know me, and we will figure this it. You will stop crying/fall asleep/be ok.

I'm learning from you how difficult it is to do what is both hard and necessary. I'm the mom who would rather rock you to sleep every time than hear you cry for even 5 minutes. I won't apologize for that. But I do need to remember that sometimes you have to learn things on your own so that you can grow into an awesome, healthy, strong young boy. This concept is harder than I imagined, and I know it's only the beginning. Sometimes I may have to hurt you to help you, and I'm sorry about that. I will always try to do what I believe is right for you, even when it's hard. 

You bring out a fierce love in me. I have never in my life loved a being as much as I love you. That's just a fact. It's all consuming. It's scary and worrisome. It's challenging and rewarding and amazing. We made you. You grew inside me and you came from me. It's so much love that it's overwhelming sometimes. In the future, when you are annoyed, irritated, embarrassed, or frustrated with me, just remember that love. That's where whatever I'm doing is coming from. 

I loved your Dad before you were here, obviously. Having you here these last 6 months has changed that love in so many ways. Hearing you two "chat" and seeing how big you smile when you realize he's home from work make days full of tears completely worth it. My love and respect have grown ten-fold for your Dad since you arrived. He's learning just like I am and he's doing a really great job. 

So thanks for being here, my little one. Thanks for being happy, for all the giggles and hugs and finger holds. I can't wait to see how you keep changing and growing in the next 6 months. Don't worry about going so fast though, ok?! I love you.

Love,

Mommy 

I was a really good mom this week.

Mom friends do you ever say this to yourself? It's funny to even type. On the heals of an article my friend posted, I have been thinking a lot about how I talk to myself as a mom. I truly thought that even though motherhood would be stressful and difficult, I would be made for this job. I haven't actually felt that to be true in the way I imagined. 

I've been trying to really use some positive self talk to get myself in a more positive place. "I was a really great mom this week." It was a tough week because Nick was away for 4 days and that always stresses me out and makes me nervous. Lucky it was just 4 days. We had a lot of tears and whines, and the little man's teeth are raising H-E- double hockey sticks, but I was there to comfort him, snuggle him, bounce him, and when it was necessary, give him tylenol. We also had a lot of smiles, some awesome giggly-giggles, fun at bath time, we enjoyed a little gym class, went to the children's museum, practiced standing and sitting up, sang our ABCs, and even got some big smiles at the dreaded tummy time. 

Those of you who are mommies, do you feel good at your job? Will that ever be true? Did you have to manage your expectations with reality? This is what I'm working with right now. 

Love in the New Year

Nick and I get very excited to celebrate our wedding anniversary.  Last year we spent it sharing the evening with some of the best friends, who we've actually shared NYE with for every New Year since we met :) We missed them this year! This year was a little different- no alcohol for me and bebe so it was a little more calm, but still happy. We usually reminisce with stories from our wedding like, "Oh, at this time you guys were getting to the church and my girls wouldn't let me look out the window to see you,"  And, "Remember when we cut the cake and had no idea which part to cut into? Did we even eat any cake…?" And, "All. That. Jameson."

This year, we were able to travel to Georgia to celebrate another beginning of the year wedding, and see some of our Army friends.  It was such a nice weekend! Easy travel (thank goodness!), fun stories, and a beautiful bride and groom!! It was fitting to start off the year of my personal focus on LOVE with a wedding.  Love of two people starting a life, love of friends we haven't seen in a while, just love everywhere.

The Lesson of Patience

I think that our life has been an exercise in patience lately. An exercise- meaning an ongoing practice. We meet obstacles, make decisions, meet new obstacles, grumble with frustration, and come to a place of content waiting.  Seriously, that pattern over and over and over lately, maybe with some more grumbles, a few fights, several angry runs and some deep breaths.  We are stuck in a place where we have a few balls up in the air, and a few things we'd like to change, but we cannot do anything about any of them at the moment.  Waiting for others to do their part, or for time to pass, or the chips to fall where they may before we can move forward (or possibly backward I guess) at all.

It is a lesson I am now convinced we need to learn due to how difficult it is for us. We are working on it.  I rush through things, chores or checks on my to-do list, and don't reach the result I want.  Then, in time, I get there.  These last couple weeks I am continuously reminded that sometimes things are in place and you have to send them out there in the world and be patient as the stars align.  I came across the above quote somewhere in the social media world and thought it was perfect. I am used to saying "it's and exercise in patience" but then thinking whether or not I have patience doesn't affect what is happening, it affects how I feel.  Ahh a good attitude while waiting...

The experience is refining us for our future. If we spend so much time waiting, I absolutely do not have the energy to spend that time upset, frustrated and beating my head against the wall.  Somedays, I will fail.  But I get a new day to try again, and I will take this opportunity to count my blessings and hone in my skills for patience.

I appreciate Me.

Driving through Kansas State University's campus a few weeks ago, in sunshiny whether, I was annoyed at all those college kids.  I noticed how they'd just step of the street in front of a car, how they wore way to short of shorts, and how young they all seemed.  It's been 7 years since I graduated college. SEVEN?! WHOA.

But you know what, I think I decided today that I am happy I'm not college-aged anymore.

On a quest to be a more authentic version of myself, I've tried to become comfortable with who I am, what I am, all of me, right now, in this exact moment.  Even though we are all working to be better versions of ourselves, I want to be happy in my shoes, now.  That's all I get for certain, and it makes for a more happy life.  This morning in yoga I set the intention to just appreciate me.  No negative self-talk.  I initially meant this just as "in yoga" like when I use a block for a side angle pose and wish I was as strong as the girl I'm facing because she's not using a block and also looks amazing in those yoga pants.  I tried to just say "great job with that chair pose, you kicked its ass!" and "nice job coming to practice today, you will definitely benefit mentally and physically. I'm proud of you."

I'll tie this together, let me get there.

Tonight I shared drinks and stories with some of my friends I hadn't seen in a while.  Since I'm leaving soon we're trying to soak it all in now.  After some food, we decided to wander through Aggieville (think downtown college area with bars and shops) and shopped a little bit.  I tried on clothes that were cute and summery and also maybe a bit to young for me.  I felt bloated from mexican, and awkward in the smallest clothes on the universe. (seriously, they are made for elves.)  I felt old, and fat, and not the same as I was 7 years ago.  I felt a little down on myself.

Then I thought about my earlier intention. You know what?  I'm not 21.  I've got a few years and a few hundred million more experiences on me than I did 7 years ago.  But I am damn proud of who I am right now, and all of those crazy, happy, horrible, sad, thrilling, lovely experiences.

Maybe we should all make lists of things we are proud of ourselves for.  Here are some of mine.

• I have an honest, true, deeply loving relationship with one of the best men in the entire world.  I get to call him my husband. We had a kick-ass wedding filled with love, laugher, drinks, fun, great music, and the most outstanding family and friends who traveled far and wide on a holiday to celebrate with us. 

• I own a dog, (at one point all on my own) and she is one freaking awesome dog. 

• I have 2 homes in my (our) possession. And yes, it's a pain we have them and don't live in them, but how fortunate to have 2 roofs to be over our heads, should we need them.
• I love my family. 

• I've jumped out of an airplane.

• I lost the love of my life. And I hated it. I was dragged kicking and screaming back into life. I didn't die. 
• I've made some of the very best friends in people I only knew online for a while.

• I have run a 10 mile race in DC in honor of an amazing man.  Twice.

• I have run countless 5K and other races, all of them with my teammate by my side.
• I have moved 4 times in the past 2 years.  I'm pretty good at it now.
• I started my own business.
• I was able to provide support to 2 of my closest friends as they welcomed the most beautiful baby boy. 

• I have gone back to school to pursue a dream I didn't even know I had 7 years ago.
• I reached my original "goal career" 2 or so years after college. 
• Earned my own Spurs.

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• I can travel with the best of them.
• My music taste is so. much. better. 
• I swam with dolphins.
• I've conquered my migraines (it's an ongoing process). 
• I'm a yogi :)

So ya, I'm not 100lbs, wearing short skirts and running through the snow to mad jacks (read: college bar, no longer there). But I'm ok with that. College was awesome, and some of the friends I made there are unmatched- I wouldn't trade them for the world.  But I really like where I'm at.  Friday night blogging at 8:30pm. :)

I'm definitely fine with this.

I appreciate me.

Hrvatin Heritage and Happiness

Grandma and Grandpa's Wedding Day

I was home a couple weeks ago for my grandmother's funeral.  After being in the nursing home for about 8 years, it was her time to go home.  Although we miss her dearly, we know that her life was lived to the fullest possible extent and now she is reunited with my grandpa.  They have to be overjoyed to be back together again!  He passed about 2 years ago, and since then it has seemed unnatural for them to be apart.

In the few days we spent looking through photographs and recounting memories, I came away full to the brim with happiness and love.  So many pictures of my dad when he was younger, and our whole family, reminded me that life is good.  As my aunt and I tried to recap memories of grandma to the pastor who would be doing her funeral service, the themes I noticed in my grandmother's life were laughter, love, and happiness.  Could there be a better legacy?  To know that even in times where they didn't have a lot of money, or the nicest car, or a brand new TV, their days were filled with happiness.  People remember her laughter and so many of her sayings.  I remember my grandparents house as the most fun place to spend time, with a front porch swing, and a tree we could climb in the front.  I remember being happy there and feeling loved there, always.

They didn't have everything, but they knew happiness.  It is so easy to get caught up in the irrelevant details of life.  It's quite a mental shift to realize that happiness is not wrapped up in material things.  That seems to get away from me in the hustle and bustle of everyday life.  So many people are searching for the secret to happiness.  Simplify and love and you will live a happy life.  That's what I learned from these memories.

So in weeks like this one, where I begin to feel sad and afraid for the way our world is shaping up, I remember that foundation.  The love and happiness that surround me from family and friends.  I suppose even in times of anger and distress, if you have those people around you, everything will be ok.

The only time my dad was ever chubby.

Baby Ron

Typical Easter Picture.  Look at that pout! Ha!

My Father on his first job post-college.

Grandpa and my Dad fixing a car.  This is one of my favorites!

Grandpa in uniform

My Grandfather's "Enlisted Man's Pass" From the Army Air Corps

Grandpa carried mail for 30+ years, always with a smile. 

Most of the pictures of Grandma were on display, but I was able to take home some of the pictures of my dad and my grandfather. 

New York to California

It's all about perspective, ladies and gentleman.  I continue to be reminded of that over and over.

(Pause...Are there even gentleman that read this blog?! Anyway...)

After a few mentally exhausting days that had me filled with anger, but without anyone to direct that anger toward, I broke down last night.  I cried in my car, I withdrew from participating in any part of dinner/discussion/pet parenting/school work.  I just didn't want to.  I felt horrible.  Because all I wanted to do was throw something through something else, break something, run over something, and scream until I felt pain in my throat. I haven't felt that angry in a while.

Then it happened- a change of perspective.  I crawled out of my hole and I heard a song randomly selected by the iTunes shuffle gods. New York to California by Mat Kearney. A song I used to think about in very different terms, but it brought me 180 degrees from where I was. Made me stop dwelling on what I have not, and rejoice in what I have. What I have is so much.


If you find yourself lost out in this world
Then I'll find a way to get back to your side.
No mountains to high, no stone is too small
I'll build a bridge through the fire
For you I would crawl
From New York to California.


I have the best partner, who is on my side, believes in my goodness, and throws love my way. And I'd crawl anywhere to get to him.

It's all about perspective.

Baby Frankie

It's finally time to post about the beautiful new baby in my life :)  Ok he is not my baby, but I try to snuggle him as much as possible and I look forward to telling him when he is older about how adorable he was as a baby.

One of my closest friends had her little baby boy, Frankie, on March 3 after about a day of contractions at home, and an estimated 17 hours in labor at the hospital.  She was nothing short of superwoman.  She was allowed to have 2 people with her while she was in labor, and I was luckily able to to be the extra person beside her husband.  She was strong and in control during contractions, she didn't scream, moan or yell at all.  She was surprised when the nurses kept telling her how impressed they were with how she was handling the pain of the contractions.  She was able to recognize her limits and the fact that she hadn't slept, and she made the right decision that allowed her some relief and rest to gather energy for the delivery.  She was patient when the doctor told her to take another nap before getting started, when inside my head I was screaming JUST GET THE BABY OUT!  I was so, so anxious, and she was graceful and trusting in the process.  She did fantastic and Frankie was born around 5pm weighing around 7lbs, happy and healthy and perfect.  It was literally one of the most amazing moments I've experienced.  I cannot imagine how much more emotional the experience is when it's your own child. :)

Without further delay, I will include a couple of the best pictures.

Foot Rubs for Momma

Frankie finally made his arrival!

Grabbing Daddy's finger :)

Family of 3!

Congratulations to Mom, Dad and little Frankie! Nick and I cannot wait to share your next adventure as parents with you!

Dis-Connected

I have been turning my cell phone off while I am in yoga classes because I have this secret fear that even if it's on vibrate I will have a random reminder go off, or I set an alarm for something and the whole class's savasana will be interrupted by alarming phone noises.  The thing is, most times after class I forget my phone is off.  Probably because I almost never turn it off unless I'm on an airplane.  It's nice to be disconnected and focus on that moment only, not what everyone is posting on facebook, or how many games of gems with friends I have to play, or if I should make a good instagram picture about what I'm doing right now.  It's nice to get lost in my thoughts, even briefly.  I am so quick to automatically check every single method of social media and communication before I even have a cup of coffee in the morning.  It's a nice reminder that the world is fine without me knowing all of everyone's business, and I don't need to share all the intimate details of my daily moments with the mass public.

I have found myself leaving my phone sitting on the table top longer and longer lately.  It's a realization that I really don't need to carry it around with me.  It's ok if it's not within my arms reach.  If someone does call, it will ring.  That's the whole point.  Letting go of all these random forms of mostly pointless communication and focusing on the person I'm with, the task I am working on, the music I'm listening to feels so much better.  No rushing for the next, but fully participating in the now.  People are important to me, and because of that it also seems important to remember that the people I am physically/mentally/telephonically spending my time with deserve my focus at that moment.  I may choose to focus a little more on present moments and be disconnected for longer periods of time.  I like the way it changes my perspective. And it's really all about perspective :)

Night

Sometimes at night when he falls asleep before me, I turn toward him and watch his outline against the shade-covered window.
I listen to him breathe calmly in and out. Steady. Unwavering.
Those moments calm me, and I soak them in.
I watch his chest move up and down, and I thank any and all of the powers that be that he is laying next to me, heart beating strong, body working perfectly.
I memorize those breaths, how they sound.
I take mind pictures of his profile, the way is forehead is relaxed, the proportions of his face.
I memorize these moments so I can remember and repeat them to myself.


You never stop being a (n almost) widow.  I have habits, like this one, that are the result.  I'm lucky and thankful to have him, and I pay more attention and log more memories.  My past reminds me to live fully in these moments before they are just memories.

Thankful.

This week I experienced a day that ended with me feeling nothing but entirely thankful for the blessings I have in my life.  It wasn't much different from an ordinary day, but the small things that happened filled my heart with love. 

I received a gift from a friend that I put on as soon as I opened the package, sitting in my car in front of the clubhouse where I had to pick the package up. Sometimes I forget how much something little can make someone feel special and I was so grateful that she took the time to think of me and remind me I'm loved.

While I was at work later in the day, I heard a song on the radio I haven't heard in so long.  Faithfully isn't a song the mix station we listen to ever plays.  I choose to think it was him.  It came on at a time when I was working the desk by myself, so I was able to truly enjoy it without having to explain to anyone why I was teary-eyed.  I smiled and thanked him.  He has to know how much I needed to hear from him.  I laughed because following that song is one of the songs I hate the most right now, "If I die young."  One of my girlfriends chalked it up to the radio's sense of humor. It just all felt very good, very familiar, and filled my heart to the brim with love.

That night after work I headed to a yoga class. I am always drained after work, but I know that going makes me feel amazing so I try to shove the tired to the side and go anyway. I am so glad I did.  The class was packed! I mean only-a-few-inches-from-your-neighbor, we-all-kept-scooting-to-make-more-room packed.  But the class- the best! The music mix that accompanied us was a mix of iron and wine, mumford and sons, florence and the machine, and other fantastic artists.  We did a lot of chest openers, which is exactly what you need after a day sitting at a desk. And I left feeling euphoric.

Talking with my husband after my day, I couldn't stop jabbering about how all these amazing things happened to me and that I felt like more great things were on their way. I am so, very blessed in all area of my life that it's funny how I don't always recognize it.  

Thank goodness for amazing days like this. 

Disengaged.

Lately I've been feeling very heavy.  I think that's the right word for how I'm feeling.  Overwhelmed by bad instead of good, by conflict instead of resolution, but anger instead of kindness, by loud instead of quiet.

Do you ever feel like this?

I acknowledge that events in the last few months have been very depressing, filled with hurt, anger confusion and devastation.  I wonder if it's better or worse that we are more accessible to the horrible things.  I mean accessible in a 24-hours a day, constant news cycle, alerts on our phone, articles posted on social media way.  Reading and hearing other people's comments on horrible things, or opinions that attack and degrade others is only one smart phone tap away.  For me, sometimes it is too much.

I have had to consciously start taking myself away from the negatives to try to refocus on the positives. (read: I have a tendency to be a glass-half-empty kind of girl, making this difficult). Turn off the show (or leave the room) that is spewing negative jargon.  Change the discussion when it concerns only disaster, anger, hatred, and ugliness.  Chose to listen to nothing in the car, instead of another view on exactly how to fix our crazy world.

I don't think I'm doing it very well yet.  I work to focus on the positive, to stay calm and relaxed, to honor my feelings, and to treat others with kindness.  But when I'm working on that, and you want to discuss which people are idiots for their beliefs, I have to disengage.  I do not have all the answers, and I no longer know who I agree or disagree with, but right now my heart is too heavy.  I choose not to discuss these upsetting issues because I know I will dwell for hours after the conversation.

But most of the time, my exit is less than graceful.

I hope to be able to find my way, choosing positive over negative, so that I may feel more true happiness, however there is quite a learning curve.

(find it here)

The Start of New Year

Happy 2013 everyone!  This year with Christmas and all the travel that entailed, and school work through the holiday season, and our 1 year anniversary (WOW!) I didn't have much time to think about resolutions or changes I wanted to make for the new year until January.  I think I'm ok with taking a little time in January to decide what I'd like to work on this year, rather than hastily picking too many things, or something that I loose sight of a couple months in.

I have been thinking about what I'd like 2013 to look like, and what I'd like to bring to this year, and how I want to see myself on the other side. There are several thing that are surfacing.

Financial Unity. (I'm sure my husband will enjoy that phrase I just made up!) We desperately need to work on saving as a team- getting on the same page.  It's not just saving but feeling like we are managing money as a team.  We have work a lot on this in 2012 and have worked out a lot of kinks.  Still, we are both great at living individually, and coming together has been somewhat of a tug of war on how we should manage our money.  I am insecure because I don't bring in much money while I'm also in school.  I don't want to be those people who can't enjoy life because they are saving, but I also cannot worry daily that we are depleting our savings should an emergency happen. This is definitely a "Team Blunt" Resolution for 2013 because I can't do this one alone.

Letting Go, and Showing Kindness.  I hope I can explain this in the way that I have internalized it.  I have been taking a yoga class lately, and something the instructor discussed a few weeks back really stuck with me.  She read us some philosopher's words about enlightenment and transcendence.  I listened and took it in.  I began to understand her words as facing disagreement with understudying, facing anger with love.  Surpassing the energy it takes to get upset, have an argument, rehash it over and over in your head, hate, judge, and be angry, and then deciding to move forward.  Instead, what an idea to see what is coming, and decide to let all of that go before it happens.  Deciding to choose instead to let it go, and remain happy, peaceful, and content.  Does that even make sense?  I know it would be better if I could post the reading she used, but I really have no idea what it was.  It just caught me and I took it in in this way.  So if you followed that, you may empathize with me in that this is exactly the opposite of what I do! I have been trying to keep this idea in the forefront of my thoughts and recognize instances where I waste my energy and time in negativity, and instead let it go.  Not easy.  I fail frequently.  But I think something as revolutionary as this, completely changing my thought process at times, takes practice.  This is what I hope to focus on in 2013.

Along with those smaller goals that pop up from time to time- exercise, health and nutrition, living in the moment, loving my husband in the best way I can, consciously being a better friend.  We are always working on things. Our nature as humans is imperfection, so changes occur as we search to be better people.  And what better time than the start of a new year?!

What are you doing for 2013?

Purpose

Have I told you about my job? Do you guys know that I don’t really love it? If you do, you may be aware that I am working on my masters in a field completely different and much more necessary for me but at the moment I’m qualified to do what I’m doing; sell stuff. So that’s what I do everyday- and it’s good stuff that I sell. There are some serious negative moments, but I know those exist everywhere in every job. Sometimes it's harder to plow through with the right perspective when it’s a job you know isn’t going to be your forever. 

Anyway, I have grown into the belief that all of us are doing certain things, in specific places, encountering people at the times precipitated by a bigger plan. Essentially there is a purpose, beyond me earning money to help provide for us, to me working here. Trying to remember that can be difficult. As the days get long and start to feel boring I know that the people  that I work with are what make my days fun. By each of them being different from each other and different form me, learning from them, and how they have provided me with friendship via circumstance in a place where I had about 2 friends when we showed up. I saw that light again today when I realized a morning conversation with my manager started with work and moved to pretty much everything else. I came back to my desk feeling happy- thank goodness for people who connect with you and bring you back to a place of optimism, even if that isn't their intention. Random conversations with someone I like and truly respect make these long days worth it. I am so glad I was able to recognize that this morning!

Authentic Appreciation

I've been playing around with the blog- have you seen the few background changes? I can't decide what I like so I'm just dabbling a bit in some different things. As I've been back through a year or so of posts I have noticed a few things and mostly the blog has been pretty chaotic. Obviously the original purpose, circa post one and two, were to keep track of the second half of a deployment. From there we all know life took quite a dramatic shift and as I navigated through the ins and outs of that, the blog was simply a representation of my feelings and where I was. It often helped me "get it out" and then process and identify with others who were, or have been in the same place.

As I seem to have identity crises, so follows my little blog. In the last year I have been growing and learning and changing, as we all do. I have tried to convey feelings here and within the last year I have had so many positive things happen-- but reading back through the blog makes me feel mostly gray. Please don't think I live in the depths of depression consistently.  I recognize that when I feel my strongest emotions are when I like to write them down, and I guess this year, minus the wedding posts, those are the feelings I've been identifying with. 

A lot of great things are going on in life right now, and sometimes I catch myself remembering that I never thought I'd be back here. I can't scream loud enough how lucky I feel to be where I am and have the perspective I have. All I've ever wanted (I'm talking EVER, since like kid-hood) was to be happy. To figure out how to take things in stride, appreciate what's worth it in life, and smile and laugh more than I cry and complain- that's my dream. 

Great things are happening- I have amazing friends, who are now starting to have amazing BABIES :) I have probably the best dog on the face of the planet. My husband lets me be me even when it drives him up the wall! I am starting school again on Monday and that mean's I'm one day closer to doing what I would really love to do everyday.  I have a job that I can totally handle, and get to see people every day who make me smile in their own quirky ways. This is what it's about- and shifting my focus is where I am at. Authentic appreciation, not perfection. Happiness and joy- this is what I'm striving for.

Thursday-- turned around!

Struggling with these headaches has made me super negative and a grump for people (mostly Nick) to deal with on a daily basis. I was trying and trying to turn my mood around this morning and I couldn't do it. This is why it is so valuable for me to get out around people! I came into work early, deciding not to make a stop at McDonald's, and my coworkers lifted me right back up! It's so nice when people restore your faith in people :) 

Here's what they showed me this morning:

- Shared some amazing Coldstone Creamery coffee creamer for my morning coffee

- Showed some empathy and changed our weekly requirements, making today much more stress free.

- Overall positive demeanor --- thankfully it's catchy!

Thankful this Thursday for these people.

The happiness of life is made up of minute fractions—the little soon-forgotten charities of a kiss, a smile, a kind look, a heartfelt compliment in the disguise of a playful raillery, and the countless other infinitesimals of pleasurable thought and genial feeling.  ~ Samuel Taylor Coleridge

Exercise- keep the blues at bay!

I have been noticing the little black demon of depression creeping in lately.  I read nothing about this, but I almost feel like once you experience a depression, you are so susceptible to it returning.  Now I know what it feels like and I tend to freak a bit when I find myself in some familiar thinking patterns.  Lately I've been suffering more than normal from headaches.  I finally went to the doctor after a tough one that lasted several days and we discussed my history. (It's always such a process to discuss my "history" with a new doctor).  He mentioned that it's not to surprising that I would have more headaches brought on by tension as my body is fresh off the antidepressant and may be learning to deal with the levels of stress.  My neck and head muscles are crazy tight, so we just have to work with that and recognize I've been completely off for about 2 months, after being on for something like 9-10 years. Ya, that puts it into perspective. 


Regardless, while I had this headache I didn't workout.  It ended up being about 7 days that I didn't do more than take a short walk with Lily, if that.  That's when it was really creeping in. One morning I texted Nick that I was so angry and so scared that I would have to go back.  Like the rock he is, he reminded me to take a few breaths, get through the day, be patient and know it will all be fine.  I think not working out, not getting those feel good chemicals, definitely had an impact on my mental state.


I found this article today at dualfit.com and it's right along those lines.  I've never actually known that there are 4 chemicals released by your CNS that help you feel better.  I love the end when it tells you you you don't have to wait to reap the benefits- you'll feel them as soon as you start.  Just wanted to share with you- even if you don't want to, it may help your spirits a bit!


Improve Your Central Nervous System through Exercise. 

Thankful Thursday- my first

It's week sixteen over on a blog I've recently become very fond of- Inspired RD.  (Take a min and stop by!) Today I am linking up to enjoy participating in Thankful Thursdays. One day out of the week to consciously recognize things in my everyday life that I am thankful for but often glaze over- sounds great!

After reading that, this beginning might not make sense, but bare with me.

Crappy days are no fun.

Sometimes, it's one thing after another. One small crappy thing happens and then down the hill you roll, right up until you get into bed and drift off to sleep.

Sometimes, like today, it's just a general blah feeling that lasts throughout the day, ebbing and flowing, and then when you're almost finished ---BAM right in the face. Crappy-ness.

On my drive home from work I reminded myself repeatedly that my current work can and should be left at work. I won't let it take any more of my time.  Deep breaths and happiness at being able to let go! So I reached for the iPhone and tried to find just the right song to take the crappy-ness away.  There we find what I'm thankful for this Thursday- great, fantastic, exactly-what-you-need music! Thank you, Music! This one worked for me tonight... enjoy!

Also, I'm always thankful for my amazing husband. On days like today, when we both ended the work day a little crappy, we give each other time to vent and we both, mostly, completely understand each other's gripe and end up still solidly on the same page. I love him!

Breathe. Let it go.

These last few weeks, they've been rough. I feel like I'm spewing out negative every where I turn. I'm focusing on it. I'm mashing it around and around in my brain. I'm becoming consumed by it. It is not fun. I don't like where we are right now and I don't think that's a secret. Our apartment is small, my job is not fun and it's a job I am working purely for some extra income. I do not feel invested in the job. I miss my friends and I don't have many out here. I'm feeling like my clothes don't fit, and while I don't entertain worries of becoming morbidly obese, it really sucks when you put on one pair of pants after another that do not fit. I'm trying to run again but its such a love hate relationship I very often do not enjoy it, I enjoy that it's done. All of these stupid, dumb, trivial things are keeping me mentally circling the drain.

So there it is- blahhhhhhhhhhhhs of negativity. And I'd like to be done now. DONE! I'm tired of drowning in it. I'm tired of pulling Nick into it. I'm sick of being lost in this muddy, dank, pond of crap. So I'm letting it go.

Nick and were talking about how to be happy in the now. I've been thinking about it a lot. Trying to let go. Stopping the negative thoughts that swirl through my brain and take so much energy because they just don't matter. They don't deserve the energy I give them. Who cares what people say unless its something I say or something Nick says? I know that I have heard these words before, but I am starting to comprehend and take them in and understand what it means to stop, and let go. This is what I'm working on.

This is how (I think) you get to live happy.

Journey off these fabulous pills...

Fully Disclosure in this Post :)

I mentioned before the Cymbalta reduction and elimination plan. (Have I called it by it's name? Cymbalta is the antidepressant I've been taking.) This week wasn't a great one. Basically I am at a point where there isn't really a smaller dose so the plan was to take it every other day. I am feeling more dizzy on the days that I don't take it and I really don't like that feeling, so 2 days ago I basically said, "Let's do it." and dove into no-more-pill land. I have not felt good by any means, but I am trying to keep in mind that it's in my mind, ha. It's just a matter of time.

I have said to Nick so many times the last few days, "I don't know, but I am extremely sad/angry." I was feeling extremely discouraged as of the yesterday and today. I went searching online, however I know that people online will post whatever and cannot be THE ONLY source of information. I have found a few sites with comments from people that have really helped.

Here are parts of posts I found that I identified with:

"Then the terrible irribility set in to the point where I almost started a fight with my boss. A few times I cried at work which is something I never do. Thank God I got to the ladies room in time. In the last few weeks I have been fighting extreme exhaustion, fatigue, and weakness. I feel like I'm walking around in a brain fog."

The irritability has been horrible for me. Yesterday when I was getting ready to go to dinner, I wanted to SCREAM at Nick because he was done getting ready and I was not. Makes a lot of sense, huh?

"The anger takes over so much and I feel like I am going crazy and am going to explode. It has affected my concentration at work. I'm a very level headed person and a logical thinker, so I know that something is not quite right and these feelings of craziness and anger are very unpleasant."

Very unpleasant indeed, even if I'm not the most rational person I've ever met.

"I also like that in your previous post you realize the mood dip is temporary, and a side effect of getting off the drug, and not just your old problem coming back. So important to realize that. I'm experiencing a bit of mood dip right now and it is really hard to realize it is the withdrawal and not the original problem coming back."

That part was very helpful to find. It reminded me- don't worry Stacey, your life isn't spiraling downhill and it won't feel like this forever. Things will be ok.

Then I found this one and I bookmarked it- I hope it will help!

"Here are some of the ways I've been working through the withdrawal of Cymbalta.

Saint Johns Wart 900mg twice a day
Started taking this for mood enhancement with some success, I will not know the full effect until the Cymbalta has left the building


Water: at least 2 liters a day
All my life doctors have told me to drink more water, and my response was sure okay (In my head I thought I hate WATER). But what the Doctor did not say was why I needed to drink water. It is such a simple thing. ASK yourself, has a doctor actually ever told you why you NEED to drink the water?
In my quest for the knowledge of Natural ways to feel better I read a book called "Your Bodies many cries for WATER" by some doctor (If you reaaly want to know who he is I'll tell you) and what an eye opener!!!
Let me put this is the simplest terms: Your body is made of water, if you do not replinish the water level DAILY, your body does not like!
On come the cries for water, as in, the body not functioning properly.


FOOD: Protein, Fiber and less Sugar.
Cmybalta literally stole my appetite. So my body did what it had to, Stored all the FAT. Yes I gained 50 lbs on cymbalta even though I ate almost nothing. So Healthy Food is one Natural way to feel better. (oh and stay off scales, go by clothes and how they fit. REALLY want to feel better, trick that brain and throw on a pair of jeans that are one size to big and walk around all day feeling SKINNY!!)
Okay, so I'm now making myself eat at the same time everyday; 3 Squares and 2 snacks. After about a week of force feeding myself, my body realized it was not being starved and I actually wanted to eat when meal time came.


Laugh
I use the comedy channel on Sat. radio each morning while taking my son to school (It's and hour and a half round trip). I laugh at stupid things and it makes me smile. I don't think about anything but what is being said.


Exercise- 20 mins. 3-4 x a week
MOVE. That's it. You move it or loose it."

All of these posts came from the forums at cymbaltawithdrawl.com

Ok, now a few things from me. Yes, I hate how I feel. But yes, I feel that being on (or increasing) the antidepressant when Mike was killed was the right thing to do. My doctor was absolutely amazing and very caring. She recommended many things to do to deal with the loss, the medication being only one step. Many people are not lucky enough to have this type of health care professional and I am beyond thankful I did, as I would have probably taken anything at all at that point.

No I do not think the pharmaceutical industry is the devil, nor do I think antidepressants or even Cymbalta are the devil. These medications are necessary for mental health. My criticism lies in the ease of prescribing these medications, the length of prescription (Did I tell you I started a low dose of Cymbalta in 2002 when I went to college to deal with anxiety...10 years later here we are). These drugs alter you're mental chemistry so YES they are going to send you for a loop when you take that away. It's not easy, but for many, many people I think other options should be presented before using the medication as a crutch. It's to easy to write a prescription and get the the person out of your office. It's to easy to ask for a pill to take and that be the only thing you have to do to make yourself feel better. It's a low-respsonsibility solution that should not be used as frequently as it is. (Clearly, this is my opinion).

I think there needs to be more emphasis on what happens when you try to get off of the medication. I just remember getting on it, moving doctor to doctor and staying on it. The reason I wanted to start thinking about getting off of it in the first place is in preparation to start a family. No doctor said to me- hey wait it's been quite a while. Maybe we should evaluate this. However I've been in 3 states in one year so its been a variety of doctors and easy to slip under the radar. Anyway, I'll step off my pedestal now. :)

Please don't take this as a research article, because I've been to maybe 3 websites today. But I do plan to keep investigating more resources to bring back my happy as my brain chemicals try to get themselves together.