The Power of being a Parent

If you're a mom you may already know this and experience it from time to time, but this time of the year it seems like I am constantly tearing up. I find myself overcome with emotion and gratitude that this little boy is ours, that we get to spend our days with him, and that he is strong and healthy and happy. Tonight K-man was exhausted and nodding off as he was eating. He hasn't done this since he was probably 2 or 3 months old. After I gave up trying to wake him and encourage him to eat, I just held him and his little sleeping body for about 15 minutes. I remember when he was small enough to perch on my shoulder and let him sleep, and now he spans my lap. His chubby cheeks make my heart swell.

I simply cannot believe that we have been entrusted with this little soul. It has been so much fun watching him learn, showing him he's loved, and seeing life through his eyes, and he's only been here a little less than 9 months. When he reaches for me I immediately want to hold him, whether I'm tired or angry or sick or whatever. He wants me. He trusts me to make it better, and {for now} I can. I can bounce, sing the ABC's, and hold him tight and that will cure pretty much anything that is ailing him. That power is not lost on me, and I know I won't have it forever. Someday some really unfair things will happen to him and I won't be able to fix it. But in these silent nights with him asleep on my lap, I promise him to fix what I can, and love him through all the rest- completely and utterly unconditionally. What else can I do? I pray that that will be enough.

I hate you, September

I felt the weight of this month bearing down on me today. It's amazing to me how in one minute you can be happy and carefree and then just a few minutes later some little trigger can have you transported back 6 (holy crap!) years and reliving every detail. Do any of you do this? I have this automatic video-reel type experience where I relive it all over again. The day I found out. The day he came home. The memorial services. The funeral. It seems-- it was-- so long ago, but very quickly it can seem like yesterday. And we just keep walking forward through these days. Head on through what we know is coming. We just keep walking because it doesn't get worse. It gets rough, but it doesn't get worse than those days.  

Do you know how incredibly guilty I feel when I get stuck down the rabbit hole? Being stuck reliving those days takes so much energy. That's energy I should be giving to my beautiful baby boy. I'm so very blessed to have what I have when I never thought I'd get there. To be able to live the life I dreamed of, just a regular life, is such a privilege. I don't know how to convey my true gratitude for it. So September is a balancing act that I have yet to master.  P

Sometimes the Laundry doesn't get done.

Me to Nick as he got ready for work: "You don't have any clean socks, do you? My bad."

Nick: "Probably not. But you're raising our son. I can wear dirty socks." :)

As a new mom, I am trying to give myself time to master the art of truly raising a child and taking care of the home. Now, that doesn't seem all that hard right? Or at least it never did to me until now. Raising a kid is no joke! And even though I've only been at it 4 months, I can tell you there are so many things I've learned in that short time. He is my priority, and often demands that he be my only responsibility throughout the day. I try to remind myself he won't be this little for long, so it's completely ok to spend the day playing and snuggling and bouncing (lots of bouncing!) and dancing with him. The vaccuming can wait. The dishes can wait. The laundry can wait. When it starts to bury us, then we can tag-team and tackle it. Me and my main squeeze can get very overwhelmed by the "house stuff" piling up. We are learning to prioritize, and to let go. Thanks for the life lessons, Killian. 

Also, can I quickly say I have legitamately NO IDEA how my mom did it. She wrangled 2 kids (not only wrangled, but taught us stuff!), one dog, kept our house cleaner and more well-kept than a magazine, and made nutritious meals every single day. I'm lucky if Killian changed clothes, the dogs ate breakfast, and we had scrambled eggs for dinner ;) Love ya, Mom! 

On The Night You Were Born

So a lot has changed but rather than a round up of all of it, I'm just going to jump right in! We had a baby boy in April! Wowza! Here's the story of his birth:

On the afternoon of March 31 around 3pm I decided to take a nap. Lily and I curled up on the couch and Jory found a comfy spot on the rug. At about 4:50pm I woke up suddenly to a "whoosh" followed by fluids. I sloshed to the closest bathroom, sat down, and looked at everything that was soaked and wondered what the heck was happening. I was 33 weeks and 5 days. I called Nick, who had left that morning for a week-long business trip to Ohio.  I explained to him what happened, he tried to calm me down. I decided to try my doctor's office before they closed. The nurse told me to head to labor and delivery and get checked out.  I called the one couple of friends we have here (because we moved to a new state about a month earlier) and they came over to pick me up.  I was surprised that I felt absolutely fine, just that fluid kept coming. I expected to feel contractions, but I didn't.

Our friends drove me to the hospital. Once I got out of the car at the hospital another large woosh convinced me that I was probably not going home. Our friends offered to stay the night with me, but I promised I'd be ok. Nick was able to I get the earliest flight out of Cleveland and was at the hospital by 9:30 am the next day.

That night, I definitely freaked out that I was alone. I talked to Nick a lot and had the most fantastic nurse who took care of me, Bev. I hardly slept but felt mostly fine, just uncomfortable. I was having contractions but I didn't feel any of them. Because I was having contractions they wouldn't feed me, but they gave me some jello and water. Nick called my Mom and Dad and explained what was happening. Every time we had to tell someone about it, we had to make sure they knew it wasn't an April fools joke.  I called Mom and Dad too to make sure they knew I was fine, but they were still worried.

The next morning my doctor came to check on me. We talked about how I was feeling, and what the plan should be. I was 33 weeks and 6 days so her plan was to let my body go and see what it was trying to do. My contractions weren't hurting, and they weren't regular, so she thought I could make it a day or two. Everyone was worried about the baby's lungs. So the plan was wait it out, and start pitocin Thursday if necessary. After discussing that she wanted to check me. I was 4cm! So she said things may pick up, since that was a lot more than anyone was expecting.

As soon as nick arrived I felt a million times better. He sat down beside me and apologized up and down for not being home. He cried. We cried. And we regrouped and we were together.  Mom and Dad got there shortly after Nick. No one would feed me since I was close to active labor.  I labored all day with contractions I could feel but not badly, hoping my body would pick up. Everyone was waiting for me to be in pain, then they would know I was progressing. It's a weird feeling waiting for pain. It stalled out a bit and my Mom and Dad went home to our place around 6pm.

At about 9pm I was starting to feel more pain, but I was also so tired, so hungry, and so exhausted at the thought of doing this for 2 more days. I was most comfortable sitting up or on the edge of the bed. (Oh that hospital bed was not comfortable). When I would sit up, the baby's heart rate would drop. He was not tolerating the contractions well at that angle. I was so uncomfortable. Around midnight Nick had a serious talk with me about getting an epidural. The pain was definitely there, but manageable, but I was so afraid I would have to do this for another 24 hours. He rationalized that and epidural would get me some rest for the night and that I was not in any shape to deliver a baby without some rest. I was not thrilled with the prospect of an epidural, and I was also extremely afraid of something in my spine. But I was exhausted and shaking and I had to do something.

My awesome nurse Ronia calmed me down a bit and tried to check me before the epidural. My doctor came back to see how I was, checked and said I as a little over 4cm. She said we'd start some pitocin since I was getting the epidural and maybe get the show on the road. The anesthesiologist explained everything to me and was so good at putting in the epidural. It was so, so much easier than I expected!! I was thrilled once it was in and so relived. I had to lay flat for 10 min after the epidural. Then things got crazy! As I was laying down my blood pressure dropped and Killian's heart rate disappeared, so the 6 nurses in my room started to move me from one side to another, gave me an oxygen mask, told me to relax and take deep breaths (ha!). I had no idea what was going on, but Ronia came back to the room and said the doctor thought we should have an emergency C section because Killian was not tolerating the contractions or the epidural. Nick and I said ok, and I was actually very relieved to get the babe out and safe. Nick called Mom and Dad, and then put on the scrubs.  My doctor came in and just wanted to check me one last time. After all that quick commotion, I was 10cm. She then said something like this to me, "Lets just do this! I know you don't know me very well, and for a first time mom this isn't going to be easy, but the baby is small, and I think you can deliver him. He isn't going to tolerate pushing well so we only have about 20 minutes. I will tell you what to do. If we can't get him out then well do the c section. What do you think? Do you want to try?" Thank God for her. So we got ready.

Suddenly I was pushing, with no idea what I was doing. I couldn't feel a thing. Nick was super helpful. Holding your breath and pushing for 10 whole seconds is a really long time. I didn't think I was doing anything. Nick was the one telling me I was doing it. Then we were close, I was trying hard but not sure I was pushing the right way. Then she delivered him, with the words "whoa tight fit!" Killian was 6lbs 1oz.

He cried right away, which brought us so much relief. Nick went over to see him with the people from the NICU. They let me see him quickly and hold him for a couple minutes. We took the first (and worst) family picture ever. Then they went to the NICU and Nick went with them. Then I was just in a daze of what had all happened. Once I settled a bit, I was working on my epidural wearing off so that I could go see him.

He kept us on our toes the entire time, changing his mind, being finicky, and making his own rules. He was worth every single second and more. I love him beyond words.

Me proving to Nick I was in the hospital that night. 

The first time I held my son.

Killian John, born April 2, 2014 at 4:36am.

The worst family picture ever ;)

Love in the New Year

Nick and I get very excited to celebrate our wedding anniversary.  Last year we spent it sharing the evening with some of the best friends, who we've actually shared NYE with for every New Year since we met :) We missed them this year! This year was a little different- no alcohol for me and bebe so it was a little more calm, but still happy. We usually reminisce with stories from our wedding like, "Oh, at this time you guys were getting to the church and my girls wouldn't let me look out the window to see you,"  And, "Remember when we cut the cake and had no idea which part to cut into? Did we even eat any cake…?" And, "All. That. Jameson."

This year, we were able to travel to Georgia to celebrate another beginning of the year wedding, and see some of our Army friends.  It was such a nice weekend! Easy travel (thank goodness!), fun stories, and a beautiful bride and groom!! It was fitting to start off the year of my personal focus on LOVE with a wedding.  Love of two people starting a life, love of friends we haven't seen in a while, just love everywhere.

2014 in One Word

Happy New Year Friends! Are you excited about the year 2014? A chance to refresh, start over, begin a new year and push that reset button. It's a pretty cleansing feeling if you can embrace it right? Do you guys do New Years resolutions? I love the idea of self-improvement, but with our long list of changes coming in 2014 it seems overwhelming to add more goals on top. We have some big things coming this year. We are moving in February, welcome a new baby in May, and trying to settle in in a completely new place. I'll be working to finish my master's degree, and building my business with Rodan + Fields, and Nick will be adjusting to his new role in the company and working hard to grow he accounts he has. So a New Years resolution wasn't something I was really going to do this year.

Have you heard of One Word 365?  It's a nice way to take on the new year and focus on one word that affects all parts of your life. You're word for the year. I like the idea of only one world, and as I was thinking about it my word came straight to me. Check out he community at the link above!

My word for 2014 is LOVE.  I will spend this year approaching all things with love.  This will help me let go of negativity in my relationships, spend oodles of time loving on our new addition, be kind and warm and only focus on LOVE. This will help my relationship with my husband grow stronger in year 3, as well as strengthen friendships and relationships with family. We could all use a little more LOVE, right? I think so :) What's your word? Remember to hashtag your words, and your blogs, and your tweets, etc. #oneword365

The Biggest Birthday Celebration

No, not my birthday celebration, my Dad's!  We had probably one of the best birthday celebrations last weekend than we have in a while.  As far as family birthdays of, usually a few presents and a meal out are about th extent of the celebrations.  This year we went big for dad's day. We'd actually been thinking about it for about a year, but our timing was off so we sat on it.  I think it was my brother's idea but Nick and I jumped on board immediately.  Tickets to a Cleveland Browns game and the whole fun experience = Happy birthday to Dad!

You see we grew up watching dad cheer (or curse) the browns games every Sunday.  I vaguely remember going to a game in the bitter cold back in '96 which was one of the last games they had before the team was moved to Baltimore.  That was a long time ago, and I'm not sure dad's been back since!

Mom and dad came up to Cleveland the day of the game and we went to tailgate nice and early, around 9. We had so much fun tailgating, and then the seats for the game were spectacular!! Not to mention the weather was outstanding and WE WON!! It was an awesome game and an awesome day!  I love that Matt was able to come home and we were able to do his as a Family!

Hrvatin Heritage and Happiness

Grandma and Grandpa's Wedding Day

I was home a couple weeks ago for my grandmother's funeral.  After being in the nursing home for about 8 years, it was her time to go home.  Although we miss her dearly, we know that her life was lived to the fullest possible extent and now she is reunited with my grandpa.  They have to be overjoyed to be back together again!  He passed about 2 years ago, and since then it has seemed unnatural for them to be apart.

In the few days we spent looking through photographs and recounting memories, I came away full to the brim with happiness and love.  So many pictures of my dad when he was younger, and our whole family, reminded me that life is good.  As my aunt and I tried to recap memories of grandma to the pastor who would be doing her funeral service, the themes I noticed in my grandmother's life were laughter, love, and happiness.  Could there be a better legacy?  To know that even in times where they didn't have a lot of money, or the nicest car, or a brand new TV, their days were filled with happiness.  People remember her laughter and so many of her sayings.  I remember my grandparents house as the most fun place to spend time, with a front porch swing, and a tree we could climb in the front.  I remember being happy there and feeling loved there, always.

They didn't have everything, but they knew happiness.  It is so easy to get caught up in the irrelevant details of life.  It's quite a mental shift to realize that happiness is not wrapped up in material things.  That seems to get away from me in the hustle and bustle of everyday life.  So many people are searching for the secret to happiness.  Simplify and love and you will live a happy life.  That's what I learned from these memories.

So in weeks like this one, where I begin to feel sad and afraid for the way our world is shaping up, I remember that foundation.  The love and happiness that surround me from family and friends.  I suppose even in times of anger and distress, if you have those people around you, everything will be ok.

The only time my dad was ever chubby.

Baby Ron

Typical Easter Picture.  Look at that pout! Ha!

My Father on his first job post-college.

Grandpa and my Dad fixing a car.  This is one of my favorites!

Grandpa in uniform

My Grandfather's "Enlisted Man's Pass" From the Army Air Corps

Grandpa carried mail for 30+ years, always with a smile. 

Most of the pictures of Grandma were on display, but I was able to take home some of the pictures of my dad and my grandfather. 

New York to California

It's all about perspective, ladies and gentleman.  I continue to be reminded of that over and over.

(Pause...Are there even gentleman that read this blog?! Anyway...)

After a few mentally exhausting days that had me filled with anger, but without anyone to direct that anger toward, I broke down last night.  I cried in my car, I withdrew from participating in any part of dinner/discussion/pet parenting/school work.  I just didn't want to.  I felt horrible.  Because all I wanted to do was throw something through something else, break something, run over something, and scream until I felt pain in my throat. I haven't felt that angry in a while.

Then it happened- a change of perspective.  I crawled out of my hole and I heard a song randomly selected by the iTunes shuffle gods. New York to California by Mat Kearney. A song I used to think about in very different terms, but it brought me 180 degrees from where I was. Made me stop dwelling on what I have not, and rejoice in what I have. What I have is so much.


If you find yourself lost out in this world
Then I'll find a way to get back to your side.
No mountains to high, no stone is too small
I'll build a bridge through the fire
For you I would crawl
From New York to California.


I have the best partner, who is on my side, believes in my goodness, and throws love my way. And I'd crawl anywhere to get to him.

It's all about perspective.

Baby Frankie

It's finally time to post about the beautiful new baby in my life :)  Ok he is not my baby, but I try to snuggle him as much as possible and I look forward to telling him when he is older about how adorable he was as a baby.

One of my closest friends had her little baby boy, Frankie, on March 3 after about a day of contractions at home, and an estimated 17 hours in labor at the hospital.  She was nothing short of superwoman.  She was allowed to have 2 people with her while she was in labor, and I was luckily able to to be the extra person beside her husband.  She was strong and in control during contractions, she didn't scream, moan or yell at all.  She was surprised when the nurses kept telling her how impressed they were with how she was handling the pain of the contractions.  She was able to recognize her limits and the fact that she hadn't slept, and she made the right decision that allowed her some relief and rest to gather energy for the delivery.  She was patient when the doctor told her to take another nap before getting started, when inside my head I was screaming JUST GET THE BABY OUT!  I was so, so anxious, and she was graceful and trusting in the process.  She did fantastic and Frankie was born around 5pm weighing around 7lbs, happy and healthy and perfect.  It was literally one of the most amazing moments I've experienced.  I cannot imagine how much more emotional the experience is when it's your own child. :)

Without further delay, I will include a couple of the best pictures.

Foot Rubs for Momma

Frankie finally made his arrival!

Grabbing Daddy's finger :)

Family of 3!

Congratulations to Mom, Dad and little Frankie! Nick and I cannot wait to share your next adventure as parents with you!

Happy Valentine's Day, and a Song

Happy Valentine's Day friends! :) I hope your day is filled with reminders of how much you are loved- by friends, family, pets, husbands, wives, girlfriends, boyfriends, coworkers, children, the postman- Whoever!

I also wanted to share with you a song that makes me think of my husband- I have been OBSESSED with it lately.



You saw my pain, washed out in the rain 
Broken glass, saw the blood run from my veins 
But you saw no fault no cracks in my heart 
And you knelt beside my hope torn apart 
But the ghosts that we knew will flicker from view 
And we'll live a long life 
So give me hope in the darkness that I will see the light 
Cause oh they gave me such a fright 
But I will hold as long as you like 
Just promise me we'll be alright...

(you should probably download it immediately)

Night

Sometimes at night when he falls asleep before me, I turn toward him and watch his outline against the shade-covered window.
I listen to him breathe calmly in and out. Steady. Unwavering.
Those moments calm me, and I soak them in.
I watch his chest move up and down, and I thank any and all of the powers that be that he is laying next to me, heart beating strong, body working perfectly.
I memorize those breaths, how they sound.
I take mind pictures of his profile, the way is forehead is relaxed, the proportions of his face.
I memorize these moments so I can remember and repeat them to myself.


You never stop being a (n almost) widow.  I have habits, like this one, that are the result.  I'm lucky and thankful to have him, and I pay more attention and log more memories.  My past reminds me to live fully in these moments before they are just memories.

Thankful.

This week I experienced a day that ended with me feeling nothing but entirely thankful for the blessings I have in my life.  It wasn't much different from an ordinary day, but the small things that happened filled my heart with love. 

I received a gift from a friend that I put on as soon as I opened the package, sitting in my car in front of the clubhouse where I had to pick the package up. Sometimes I forget how much something little can make someone feel special and I was so grateful that she took the time to think of me and remind me I'm loved.

While I was at work later in the day, I heard a song on the radio I haven't heard in so long.  Faithfully isn't a song the mix station we listen to ever plays.  I choose to think it was him.  It came on at a time when I was working the desk by myself, so I was able to truly enjoy it without having to explain to anyone why I was teary-eyed.  I smiled and thanked him.  He has to know how much I needed to hear from him.  I laughed because following that song is one of the songs I hate the most right now, "If I die young."  One of my girlfriends chalked it up to the radio's sense of humor. It just all felt very good, very familiar, and filled my heart to the brim with love.

That night after work I headed to a yoga class. I am always drained after work, but I know that going makes me feel amazing so I try to shove the tired to the side and go anyway. I am so glad I did.  The class was packed! I mean only-a-few-inches-from-your-neighbor, we-all-kept-scooting-to-make-more-room packed.  But the class- the best! The music mix that accompanied us was a mix of iron and wine, mumford and sons, florence and the machine, and other fantastic artists.  We did a lot of chest openers, which is exactly what you need after a day sitting at a desk. And I left feeling euphoric.

Talking with my husband after my day, I couldn't stop jabbering about how all these amazing things happened to me and that I felt like more great things were on their way. I am so, very blessed in all area of my life that it's funny how I don't always recognize it.  

Thank goodness for amazing days like this. 

My Father

A day late in blog world, but it would just be wrong if I didn't honor my dad here. Happy Father's Day Dad. In our close to 28 years together we've been through a lot! :)

Thank you for always teaching me, being as patient as possible, and listening to me and my long-winded stories.

Thanks for telling me you understand me when I know people think I'm crazy.

Thanks for allowing me to become (and continue becoming) who I am meant to be with your character and integrity as my guide.

Thanks for being calm and collected- it shows me that I have it in me, I just need to channel it more.

Thank you for always giving me exactly what I need and loving me as no one else on this earth can.

You're the best, I mean it. Love you Dad!

Becoming a Mrs.- The Party (Part 2)

Once we were married we were completely on a high.

After some formal pictures...

(Sorry some of these are so big :/)

We cheered with the bridal party on the limo to the reception, came in the secret back entrance, went up in the big elevator to enter from the grand staircase.

Upstairs we got to see how beautiful the place looked all set up, and we got to primp a little and take out my vale. Our parents and bridal party were introduced down the grand staircase to the song "Forever" by Chris Brown. In case you're not sure what that is, it's the song in the Youtube video that the Office spoofed for Jim and Pam's wedding. It rocked. Nick and I enjoyed watching everyone walk in and cheered for all of them!

We came in to "Home" by Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros.

Dad gave a fantastic toast, and everyone filed into their seats.

We greeted some people there, ate dinner, heard fantastic MOH and BM toasts. Let me say that I know again I am a bit biased, but these toasts were phenomenal. Firstly the videographer rolled up RIGHT in front of them, big light and all, and I looked to my MOH and said "umm sorry about that- good luck!" But they were great! No one talked too long, no one talked about inside jokes the whole time, and there weren't too many tears shed. MOH went first, making it funny, touching on the first trip Nick and I took, how much she heard about Nick, and something I told her about a week before about how Nick and I decided that if we need to talk the day of our wedding we would. I remember telling her, just as she recounted, that he was the only person who could calm me down if need be. She did a great job!! BM (unbeknownst to MOH, the person we visited on our first trip together) also talked about our visit, about how he was hesitant to like me before making sure I wouldn't break Nick's 3-times-too-big heart, and how all he heard about after that was me. We even toasted with Jameson, compliments to the weekend we met in Manhattan, KS.

It all went so fast, we ate a little, tried to talk to a few tables
(spent most of that time talking to my special friends!)
and then it was cake time.

The only bite of cake I had that night was the small bite Nick fed me, ever so sweetly.


The only bite of cake Nick had was the bite of cake I shoved into his face. The pictures kinda look like I punched out some teeth, but that's just mean.


We did our first dance,


I danced with my dad,


Nick danced with his mom


and step-mom.



We did the anniversary dance, there was some fun and laughter and then...

WE BROKE IT DOWNNNNNN!

The party part of this evening was probably the best party ever! I danced, danced, and danced some more. Nick danced, smoked cigars outside in the unseasonably warm weather, and danced. We drank, laughed, made rounds, and celebrated.

Friends and family filled the dance floor the entire night. As it got close to midnight there were top hats and crowns and everyone had poppers and noise makers. We brought in the new year, sent silver sparkling confetti flying, and kissed at midnight- our first midnight as a married couple!

More dancing followed, uniforms slowly fell off throughout the night, we drank from a stetson, there was the worm, some Michael Jackson moves, and my brother slid on the floor like a breakdancer. Nick and I left at the right time- I was laying on the floor happy and ready. The next day, even with our slight headaches, we kept recounting memories of how awesome the night was.

The whole weekend never could have been close to as amazing as it was without all the contributing parties; my parents, nick's parents, my seven bridesmaids, Nick's seven groomsmen, our 4 small attendants, the ushers, the readers, and all of those people who helped out without acknowledgement. Thank you, thank you, a million times thank you!

Again, professional photos complements of Steven Mastroianni at www.smastro.com