I appreciate Me.

Driving through Kansas State University's campus a few weeks ago, in sunshiny whether, I was annoyed at all those college kids.  I noticed how they'd just step of the street in front of a car, how they wore way to short of shorts, and how young they all seemed.  It's been 7 years since I graduated college. SEVEN?! WHOA.

But you know what, I think I decided today that I am happy I'm not college-aged anymore.

On a quest to be a more authentic version of myself, I've tried to become comfortable with who I am, what I am, all of me, right now, in this exact moment.  Even though we are all working to be better versions of ourselves, I want to be happy in my shoes, now.  That's all I get for certain, and it makes for a more happy life.  This morning in yoga I set the intention to just appreciate me.  No negative self-talk.  I initially meant this just as "in yoga" like when I use a block for a side angle pose and wish I was as strong as the girl I'm facing because she's not using a block and also looks amazing in those yoga pants.  I tried to just say "great job with that chair pose, you kicked its ass!" and "nice job coming to practice today, you will definitely benefit mentally and physically. I'm proud of you."

I'll tie this together, let me get there.

Tonight I shared drinks and stories with some of my friends I hadn't seen in a while.  Since I'm leaving soon we're trying to soak it all in now.  After some food, we decided to wander through Aggieville (think downtown college area with bars and shops) and shopped a little bit.  I tried on clothes that were cute and summery and also maybe a bit to young for me.  I felt bloated from mexican, and awkward in the smallest clothes on the universe. (seriously, they are made for elves.)  I felt old, and fat, and not the same as I was 7 years ago.  I felt a little down on myself.

Then I thought about my earlier intention. You know what?  I'm not 21.  I've got a few years and a few hundred million more experiences on me than I did 7 years ago.  But I am damn proud of who I am right now, and all of those crazy, happy, horrible, sad, thrilling, lovely experiences.

Maybe we should all make lists of things we are proud of ourselves for.  Here are some of mine.

• I have an honest, true, deeply loving relationship with one of the best men in the entire world.  I get to call him my husband. We had a kick-ass wedding filled with love, laugher, drinks, fun, great music, and the most outstanding family and friends who traveled far and wide on a holiday to celebrate with us. 

• I own a dog, (at one point all on my own) and she is one freaking awesome dog. 

• I have 2 homes in my (our) possession. And yes, it's a pain we have them and don't live in them, but how fortunate to have 2 roofs to be over our heads, should we need them.
• I love my family. 

• I've jumped out of an airplane.

• I lost the love of my life. And I hated it. I was dragged kicking and screaming back into life. I didn't die. 
• I've made some of the very best friends in people I only knew online for a while.

• I have run a 10 mile race in DC in honor of an amazing man.  Twice.

• I have run countless 5K and other races, all of them with my teammate by my side.
• I have moved 4 times in the past 2 years.  I'm pretty good at it now.
• I started my own business.
• I was able to provide support to 2 of my closest friends as they welcomed the most beautiful baby boy. 

• I have gone back to school to pursue a dream I didn't even know I had 7 years ago.
• I reached my original "goal career" 2 or so years after college. 
• Earned my own Spurs.

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• I can travel with the best of them.
• My music taste is so. much. better. 
• I swam with dolphins.
• I've conquered my migraines (it's an ongoing process). 
• I'm a yogi :)

So ya, I'm not 100lbs, wearing short skirts and running through the snow to mad jacks (read: college bar, no longer there). But I'm ok with that. College was awesome, and some of the friends I made there are unmatched- I wouldn't trade them for the world.  But I really like where I'm at.  Friday night blogging at 8:30pm. :)

I'm definitely fine with this.

I appreciate me.

Hrvatin Heritage and Happiness

Grandma and Grandpa's Wedding Day

I was home a couple weeks ago for my grandmother's funeral.  After being in the nursing home for about 8 years, it was her time to go home.  Although we miss her dearly, we know that her life was lived to the fullest possible extent and now she is reunited with my grandpa.  They have to be overjoyed to be back together again!  He passed about 2 years ago, and since then it has seemed unnatural for them to be apart.

In the few days we spent looking through photographs and recounting memories, I came away full to the brim with happiness and love.  So many pictures of my dad when he was younger, and our whole family, reminded me that life is good.  As my aunt and I tried to recap memories of grandma to the pastor who would be doing her funeral service, the themes I noticed in my grandmother's life were laughter, love, and happiness.  Could there be a better legacy?  To know that even in times where they didn't have a lot of money, or the nicest car, or a brand new TV, their days were filled with happiness.  People remember her laughter and so many of her sayings.  I remember my grandparents house as the most fun place to spend time, with a front porch swing, and a tree we could climb in the front.  I remember being happy there and feeling loved there, always.

They didn't have everything, but they knew happiness.  It is so easy to get caught up in the irrelevant details of life.  It's quite a mental shift to realize that happiness is not wrapped up in material things.  That seems to get away from me in the hustle and bustle of everyday life.  So many people are searching for the secret to happiness.  Simplify and love and you will live a happy life.  That's what I learned from these memories.

So in weeks like this one, where I begin to feel sad and afraid for the way our world is shaping up, I remember that foundation.  The love and happiness that surround me from family and friends.  I suppose even in times of anger and distress, if you have those people around you, everything will be ok.

The only time my dad was ever chubby.

Baby Ron

Typical Easter Picture.  Look at that pout! Ha!

My Father on his first job post-college.

Grandpa and my Dad fixing a car.  This is one of my favorites!

Grandpa in uniform

My Grandfather's "Enlisted Man's Pass" From the Army Air Corps

Grandpa carried mail for 30+ years, always with a smile. 

Most of the pictures of Grandma were on display, but I was able to take home some of the pictures of my dad and my grandfather. 

Dis-Connected

I have been turning my cell phone off while I am in yoga classes because I have this secret fear that even if it's on vibrate I will have a random reminder go off, or I set an alarm for something and the whole class's savasana will be interrupted by alarming phone noises.  The thing is, most times after class I forget my phone is off.  Probably because I almost never turn it off unless I'm on an airplane.  It's nice to be disconnected and focus on that moment only, not what everyone is posting on facebook, or how many games of gems with friends I have to play, or if I should make a good instagram picture about what I'm doing right now.  It's nice to get lost in my thoughts, even briefly.  I am so quick to automatically check every single method of social media and communication before I even have a cup of coffee in the morning.  It's a nice reminder that the world is fine without me knowing all of everyone's business, and I don't need to share all the intimate details of my daily moments with the mass public.

I have found myself leaving my phone sitting on the table top longer and longer lately.  It's a realization that I really don't need to carry it around with me.  It's ok if it's not within my arms reach.  If someone does call, it will ring.  That's the whole point.  Letting go of all these random forms of mostly pointless communication and focusing on the person I'm with, the task I am working on, the music I'm listening to feels so much better.  No rushing for the next, but fully participating in the now.  People are important to me, and because of that it also seems important to remember that the people I am physically/mentally/telephonically spending my time with deserve my focus at that moment.  I may choose to focus a little more on present moments and be disconnected for longer periods of time.  I like the way it changes my perspective. And it's really all about perspective :)