Wednesday, November 24, 2010

A little Thanks and a little Giving

(Note: I'm writing this on my phone at the airport so it won't look as beautiful and put together as I try to make posts look. Please bear with spelling mistakes etc. I'm having trouble scrolling...)

First, today is the last day to vote for my friend and founder of the American Widow Project, Taryn Davis for L'Oreals women of worth competition. The winner will receive $25,000. For the AWP this would be amazing and help to cover the costs of the events we do, help them happen more often, help fun more information packets and DVDs of tge documentary be sent to new military widows. I know there are many of you who follow who are part of a military family and you can understand and appreciate the importance of reaching out to the countries military widows and widowers. Take a min to vote, it just needs your email, and share with family and friends who understand as well.

Thank you to those who have voted already from the millions of Facebook messages, emailed etc. And I've gotten so many comments back from emails, yes Taryn is gorgeous ;)

Keeping with the Thanksgiving spirit, I'd like to do a little shout out to some things I'm thankful for this year that I didn't have last year. Taryn, above, and Tatiana, Allison, Kim, TT, Tabatha, Mara, Glenda, LaNita, Brooke, Danielle, Candice, Mandy, Laura, Casie, and All the widows I've personally met in the last year- I am immeasurably thankful for the things you've taught me, given me, and shared with me. I am a world away from where I was last year at this time and I look forward to the future with all of your friendships!

Nick! Last year at this time I never would have imagined meeting and falling for you. But I was beginning to be open to living my life in the truest way possible for me, and you collided with me at the right time. You've helped me and taught me it's ok to rely on someone again while still being able to hold on and honor my past. More thankful I could not be :)

I could thank for hours but the last people I'll thank this year that I'm sure I barely acknowledged last year are me best friends Husbands: Pat, Rick, and Ryan. In the last year I've seen amazing friends shine with love ad they've committed the rest of their lives to you. Although it's sometimes hard to balance friends and your significant other I am so glad that these women have found men who allow them to experience joy and love that can only come from you. Keep it up!!

I hope everyone has a holiday filled with love, warmth, memories and laughter, and of couse some thanksgiving!

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Re-sharing an interesting post

This has nothing to do with me but I read this article a few days ago after seeing it posted on several friends facebook pages. It's a little long but I promise when you begin reading it you'll know it's worth it. I keep refering back to it throughout the last few days while I'm walking Lily or sitting in class or passing through Target. Take a minute and read it- great message.

Brave Girl's Club- Seeing past what it seems

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Worth it?

I feel stuck somewhere between two worlds that I don't know how to be part of. I am having an identity crisis, a little bit anyway. I don't know how to know what I want. That sounds crazy but I somehow got very comfortable with being so sad. I was comfortable with who I was and I identified with so many newly widowed friends. Pain, sadness, embracing the dreary, it all got confused in my head and became the same thing as being true to Mike. Somehow the grief depression became one with my devotion to him. Now I am in this place that (as I think I've said about 10 million times on here) I didn't think I'd be. I'm happy but realizing things are getting serious and now that I am allowing that to happen, so are a flood of feelings I am willing to acknowledge. Complicated feelings, and things I'm not sure I should feel/not feel, mention/not mention, whatever. I feel misunderstood by pretty much everyone. I feel like I have to constantly clarify myself. I put too much emphasis on the words people use and how that makes me feel.

I feel misunderstood because I don't understand where I am.

It bothers me so much that it bothers me at all. That makes zero sense.

Things with Mike were so easy. It's hard to say now because looking back of course it seems magical and heavenly and nothing short of a miracle. We were blissfully ignorant of the way life could be and we stumbled into something terrific. Now I am happy again, but because of what I know it can't be that way. It gives me a different appreciation and thankfulness for Nick and how he must feel to jump into this and be a part of something more difficult than he may have been looking for.

I may be relying too much on other people in similar situations to create my identity. I know so few and I can't keep looking around for other examples. I'm over following the examples of someone else to validate what I am doing. Why do I need this validation?! I am ok where I am and there intrinsically no problems.

I'm tired of trying so hard to "be myself". That shouldn't be difficult. I swear that I will try my hardest to stop thinking and looking and dissecting so much and just follow what I feel inside.

Maybe there is a chance I can be blissfully happy with change, with the unknown, and let go of the judgements I am somehow putting on myself. It's worth a try :)

Friday, November 5, 2010

Growing Pains

When I was younger I would wake up in the middle of the night with these horrible pains running up and down my shins. I'd yell for my mom and dad and someone would wake up and come lay with me, rub my shins until the pain subsided and I fell asleep. Growing pains.

Things were simple then. I'd experience pain, either big or small, call for my parents, and they'd come and take care of me. Once they got there I didn't have to worry, I laied my worries on them. They made things better for me as I fell into a safe, easy place.

Growing pains follow you. Currently I am at a place I didn't think I would be with someone who hasn't been here before. This makes for long, interesting discussions and spending too much time inside my head searching for an answer. I know their aren't answers to everything, but I miss the time when there were. But things aren't simple. Life isn't black and white. I'm ok with living in the gray, working through the mush, struggling to a solution that we can live with.

Although I miss the simple times, the growing pains are worth it. Living is worth it.