Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Worth it?

I feel stuck somewhere between two worlds that I don't know how to be part of. I am having an identity crisis, a little bit anyway. I don't know how to know what I want. That sounds crazy but I somehow got very comfortable with being so sad. I was comfortable with who I was and I identified with so many newly widowed friends. Pain, sadness, embracing the dreary, it all got confused in my head and became the same thing as being true to Mike. Somehow the grief depression became one with my devotion to him. Now I am in this place that (as I think I've said about 10 million times on here) I didn't think I'd be. I'm happy but realizing things are getting serious and now that I am allowing that to happen, so are a flood of feelings I am willing to acknowledge. Complicated feelings, and things I'm not sure I should feel/not feel, mention/not mention, whatever. I feel misunderstood by pretty much everyone. I feel like I have to constantly clarify myself. I put too much emphasis on the words people use and how that makes me feel.

I feel misunderstood because I don't understand where I am.

It bothers me so much that it bothers me at all. That makes zero sense.

Things with Mike were so easy. It's hard to say now because looking back of course it seems magical and heavenly and nothing short of a miracle. We were blissfully ignorant of the way life could be and we stumbled into something terrific. Now I am happy again, but because of what I know it can't be that way. It gives me a different appreciation and thankfulness for Nick and how he must feel to jump into this and be a part of something more difficult than he may have been looking for.

I may be relying too much on other people in similar situations to create my identity. I know so few and I can't keep looking around for other examples. I'm over following the examples of someone else to validate what I am doing. Why do I need this validation?! I am ok where I am and there intrinsically no problems.

I'm tired of trying so hard to "be myself". That shouldn't be difficult. I swear that I will try my hardest to stop thinking and looking and dissecting so much and just follow what I feel inside.

Maybe there is a chance I can be blissfully happy with change, with the unknown, and let go of the judgements I am somehow putting on myself. It's worth a try :)


Victoria said...

Its absolutely worth a try! the worst thing that could happen is you take a chance and if it doesn't feel good you go back to the old way. Growing Pains! I think you're doing a way better job than you think!

MandyMy said...

I think it's when we let go of "what other people are thinking", that we can begin to figure our part in this crazy mess out. I would constantly worry if because I was dating again, people would think I was "fixed" or "moving on" from Dan. That worry in itself made me crazy, and didn't allow me to fully experience the situations I found myself in. This is a journey that is going to stump us and annoy us for the rest of our lives. But, we have to realize when we have stumbled upon something amazing, and remember to embrace that, and not worry about others. I think we, of all people, know how short this life is, and that you just never know what the next minute will even bring. Live this life for you, and your happiness. The people that love you want just that, and those who have a problem with things you are doing aren't worth your time. Hang in there, and keep pushing forward, eventually I think all things will fall into place!! This life is worth it!! Love you girl!! :)