Monday, December 29, 2008

Learning to Try

I feel like lately I am say the phrase "I'm learning" or "she's learning" quite a bit. Feels similar to "I'm trying" which I say pretty often as well. I'm like a broken record these days. With the pup we are always trying to teach her something. And by we I mean usually me, which is fine, I knew that when I got her. I'm learning to be a good doggie owner, and she's learning to be a good doggie. She is also teaching me patience. I have non, and training a dog requires patients and understanding. And discipline. I have claimed from the beginning of dog conversations that I am not the disciplinarian. I'm learning, although I don't want to, I want my dog to be well behaved, so I'm learning.

The "I'm trying" is mostly for Mike. I say it quietly, I say it under my breath, I shout it in the car, I speak it in my head- I swear Mike, I'm trying. I know we never discussed this type of situation and so that has made it slightly more difficult but I trust your family and your friends. I reach out to your mom and to Amanda which I am confident you would be happy about. And my friends help me through it too- you knew all of them and I am trying not to become a hermit and go out and see them. I'm trying. I'm trying but I hate it. I hate every single second without you. I feel so lost its insane. I don't think anyone else should ever have to feel this way. But I'm trying baby, I'm trying for you to put one foot in front of the other and get my ass out the door, even if it's to the gym. I just want to make you proud. I hope you don't think I am handling this wrong or in a way that you wouldn't have expected. I hope I get to talk to you soon. I just want to talk. I love you so much.

Monday, December 15, 2008

Note: Deleted Post

Just and FYI, I did delete the post I made the other night about going back to work among many other ramblings. It was a little to honest for me, for everyone. Sometimes I write posts and forget a little about them. I try to be as honest as I can, I want to see if it helps. But that was a little too much.

I miss you so much, baby.

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Pictures that I love

I need to do a happy post so it will be short and sweet. It will be a montage of sorts of pictures of us, my favorites, so that I remember to look at them, so that I don't ever, even for a second, lose him. I can never lose him he's the love of my life, he's my everything. enjoy!

Best Seats Ever- Thanks Mand!!

Makeout Kiss, haha, I miss them!

Up in Austin the weekend before Mike left for Iraq. Fun times!

We bought my man his Jeep- and he LOVED it!!

In the jeep in July, All windblown!

In the hot July weather we cheered on the Tribe!

Ahh our vacation in Niagara Falls- so glad we were able to do that!

My favorite picture from the weekend in Niagara Falls. I can feel our happiness whenever I look at it.

Passed a kidney stone that morning, and the winery in the afternoon!

Classic- drinking out of the Stetson

Baby we had so great memories. These are things I never want to and never will let myself forget. I thought to myself as I was looking for ones to put up 'for a second I could pretend nothing had changed" but it has. We look so happy in those pictures. I miss feeling that happy, that happy that only you bring to me. I'll see you again and you'll bring me that happy. I love you and I know that we can do this. I'm trying, you're my world. Love you- SLM

The new Positive in my life

I got a dog- which may be a surprise or may not. I had been talking about it for around 2 or 3 weeks so it was about time to shit or get of the pot, in the way that that's related to the dog of course. So while in Perrysburg with Amanda we visited a Toledo animal shelter and found a 10 month old beagle with big sad puppy dog eyes. She came from a family who adopted her but didn't think she had enough room in their apartment. So far she's been great in the car, she gets nervous by usually just sits down and waits. When I take her out she does her business and she loves to go on walks. The problem is that she hasn't figured out how to tell me that she has to go out. I'm new to being the heavy on this (this would have been Mike!) but I'm trying and she's learning. Overall she has been great. She keeps me going, which is good for me. She needs my attention right now so it moves my thoughts forward. I hope that Mike likes her- I think he would see how much fun she has and just love her at that moment. I know it wouldn't have been his first pick but I wanted to get something I could take care of, and a golden would have grown too big for me I fear. I think Mike can see that and understands. I think he likes Lily and watches me with her to see if I can handle the discipline- his responsibility. Are you proud of me baby? I'm trying. I'm trying so hard to make it work, but i get so overwhelmed and a;ll I want is you. All I want is You. I love you so much. I'm trying to remember "we're on the same page" about everything. Its just that the pages before and after us got a little bit screwed up. I love you so much.

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

How do I do this without you?

Michael, I'm don't know how to do this without you. I don't know how to do any of this without you. All I want to do is sleep and take a hot shower and curl up and sleep some more. I don't get hungry anymore, something that is causing my dress pants to stop fitting, along with my jeans. I don't sleep at night by myself, my new little friend Ambien CR carries that burden for me. Sleeping is the closest place I can get to you right now. Sometimes I wake up and think that if I just stay in bed all day (not in the way I would have preferred) I have a million more chances to run across you in my dreams. And I would take a million more chances over none. That is usually my first fight of the day, get.out.of.bed. I've been doing it a lot more lately and I hate it. Money is the motivator, I need to pay for the house that we made because we loved it together and there is no way in hell I could let go of it. So I get up and with my physical body, I get sadness and anxiety and the thought process for what will become of this next 24 hours that I know will feel like they are at least twice that. My second fight of the day- shower, DO IT, shower! I know that sounds nice. Showers used to be my favorite thing to do. And now because of all their associations along with the fact that it means I'm starting the "getting ready for the day" process. I also hate that.

I don't want to do anything. I know that is lazy. I'm lazy. I know I'm crazy. I need my best friend to make this better. I try to talk to you baby, I try but sometimes I can't hear you as well. I need to listen closer. I am so fucking annoyed that this is our future rather than the one we planned, we envisioned, we dreamt it would be. Our way sounds so much better to me. How in the world did we get here? I love you so much. You are my everything, and you always will be. I'm so proud that you picked me to love. Bye,Baby. Talk to you later- Be good!

Monday, November 24, 2008

2 Months, no thank you

Today is 2 months. He's been gone for 2 months. Oddly enough today is the first day I've spent more than a couple hours by myself. I've been at our house for most of the day, trying to re-organize all of the things that have been piling up. I feel like there were so many things on my "list" that I didn't really make much progress. Everyday I just feel stuck right here.

Baby, I miss you.

Friday, November 21, 2008

I'd take it...

I stole this from another widow's blog but I found myself in a puddle of tears because it is completely true. Some of them may be harder to understand if you aren't familiar with military life, but you should get the drift.

What I wouldn't give...
1) to smell your stinky self after 2 weeks in the field.
2) to drop everything I am doing in order to take something to you at work that you had forgotten.
3) to have you miss another anniversary because you had staff duty (again).
4) to work hard on a dinner that got cold because someone lost a piece of equipment and no one could go home until it was found.
5) to spend another year alone because you got orders to Anywhere.
7) to clean up the whole house because you were coming home and 5 minutes later, there be TA-50 everywhere because you unpacked.
8) to spend another birthday alone because you are in the field training
9) to wish you Happy Birthday over the phone because you are at NTC and to celebrate it when you got back
10) to vacuum my floors at 3AM because you are not home and I don't want to go to bed alone.
11) To wonder where I am going to put the holiday decorations because all the storage space is full with army gear.
12) to be woken at 2am because one of your soldiers is too drunk to drive himself home.
13) to mow the yard or get the oil changed in the car because you aren't home to do it.
14) to get that 3am call because the unit is on alert or because they are doing drug tests.
15) to listen to you cuss at the phone because your soldiers will not wake up and answer the phone for the alert/ drug test (see #13).
16) to go buy dinner and take it to you while you are on staff duty.
17) to quickly steal a kiss because you are in uniform and it isn't "proper"
18) to tuck my hand in the crook of your arm because we shouldn't hold hands while you are in uniform.
19) to buy equipment that the army issues to you, but you would rather have your own and not use theirs.
20) to have a major appliance break down 1 day after you left for a 2 week training mission
21) to get an LES and see that the army has deducted money that they shouldn't have
22) to have to buy a $70 holster because the unit highly encouraged you to get it.
23) to have my furniture start to fall apart because even the best stuff should only be moved a few times.
24) to go months without any physical contact, until you came home again
25) to walk by the computer every 5 minutes, waiting for an e-mail or IM
26) to have your time away from home extended.
27) to try and explain the army to your family.
28) to have to go through the college application and transfer process again because we had to move again.
29) to be stationed at Fort Riley
30) to not get a bonus for re-enlistment because you didn't meet the requirements
31) to miss your promotion because your commander thought it would be cool to wait and do it while training at another base.
32) to get woken up by your sticky, sweaty body after you decide to jump back in bed after PT
33) to put up with your bad mood because someone tried to screw over your soldiers.
35) to get a roll of film in the mail, have it developed, and it be pictures of latrines, equipment, vehicles, people I don't know, the room you are staying in, when all I wanted was a picture of you.
36) to cry because you are leaving... not because you are never coming home.

Michael, I love you. I would give anything and everything to have you back here with me. I know our love is stronger than this and when I have a bad moment, I know you're here with me, helping me through. My baby.

Quick Update- Change of Driection

The update is quick tonight because I'm getting tired, and I've learned that I need to use those moments when I feel tired, otherwise I do not sleep. As you may have noticed a few thing on the blog have changed. I began this blog to keep a journal of the second half of this deployment Mike and I were slowly progressing through. I thought it might be nice in the future, when we are all happy and giddy to be under the same roof, to take a step back and see how much we missed each other. I thought it could help us to cherish what we had because it was finally, FINALLY, what we wanted.

Mike was killed on Sept 24, 2008 while out on a mission. He was detaining 4 people (wow was it hard to force my fingers to type the word "people") and one of them had a suicide vest and decided to detonate. Mike was the closest, his team was following. He was the only one who lost his life on that mission, although a few others were injured. Wow I can't believe I just typed that whole paragraph out. It's just so far from what we pictured for ourselves. No one pictures this for themselves, but it was like I was blindsided. Since he went back after R&R in July, he assured me his new job was "much safer" for the last couple months. He had (Insert small number here) months left. What he didn't tell me, and possibly his only real lie, or lie by omission, was the reactionary force he was a part of. I know he didn't tell me because then I would have been very very freaked out- as it appears would have been warranted.

My brain has been going 50000 miles a min, or 5 miles a min so you may have to endure a bit of rambling and such while I use this as a sounding board to clear my head. Now that my life has taken this change in direction, the blog has gotten a little makeover and change of direction as well.

Michael you are the love of my life, my hero, my heart, my best friend.

Sunday, September 21, 2008

Guest Bedroom/Office Makeover

It's been a while. I have had a few busy weeks. This weekend I decided it was time to do a little "nesting" and redo one of the rooms I have been looking to fix since we moved in. Being that it didn't resemble Ronald McDonald, it wasn't the first room that needed to be fixed. The bright blue was starting to bother me, so now it is a little more subdue. I had a hard time picking a color, but this is "smoked oyster" from Behr. It turned out a little more mauve-y that I would have liked. I primed the whole room Friday evening since I knew the color was going to be light. Then I taped and painted for the majority of the day Saturday. This morning I removed the tape, did some touching up and bought out TJ Max Home Goods for some bedding and a few accesories. I still need some items for the walls and I need a lamp. Also, there is a blue ceiling fan that needs to be replaced and the blue closet doors will then be changed out. These tasks are a little much for me right now. I may give the doors a try next weekend, but the fan has Mike's name all over it :-) Take a look!

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

It's like my CRACK!

Robeks- it's a smoothie/shake making juice bar of sorts. There is one on my way to work, right before I get on the highway. One morning I stopped for a little breakfast-on-the-run. Fast forward a few weeks and I swear if I know there is one within 10 min and I can find some reason to justify my need for a smoothie, I will have one. There is also a location on the East side, right in the midst of my territory, not helping the problem! My favorite- the Hummingbird which includes guava juice, strawberries, mango, bananas, orange sherbet and ice. The close second-Infinite Orange which is similar to Hummingbird with yogurt instead of sherbet... probably better for you! Curious if there's one near you? Find out!

But, it's blowing my entire savings! Ok not really- I'm a little more practical than that. So, it's just some fruit and yogurt or sherbet, I can make that!! Let me tell you- I've tried. They must have some ultra-high-powered blender, because my little guy could not make it smoothie-like. It was more chunks of ice, in juice, with pureed fruit. Not exactly what I was looking for.

So I find myself needing some type of justification before purchasing a smoothie. Today it was a treat for attending me new workout class. I really didn't want to go, but after I did, I was SO happy that I did yoga for an hour when I normally would have been sitting at home on the computer waisting an hour. But some days it becomes, "Well the house is clean, that deserves a Robeks stop" or "Today is going to be a long day, better start it off with Robeks."

So at the end of the day, Robeks may be healthier for me than crack, but it's draining my wallet just the same!!

**Personal Disclaimer: I have absolutely no experience with actual "crack." Closest I've got is in the movies. I am only using the reference to imply I'm highly addicted!**

Monday, September 1, 2008

Labor Day Weekend Updates

Well it's the end of Labor Day weekend, and I have done pretty much nothing. No exciting things to talk about today, but I have a few small things I could update on, since it's been over a week!

My cat has been a welcome addition to the house and almost daily I find funny things she's doing that lighten up my mood.
In the pillows on the guest bed.

In my drawer.

Guarding the Front Door.

Thanks for the laughs, Tootsie!

Also, I was able to get some more pictures from Mike's visit home. I would LOVE to share :-)
The happiest Fourth of July!

Go Tribe! We won that game!

Sunday, August 24, 2008

Time to get Educated

~ Those who stay away from the election think that one vote will do no good: 'Tis but one step more to think one vote will do no harm. ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

Possibly because I have a slightly different view than my family, or possibly because I have been directly affected by many decisions of the current political administration, possibly because I have, more than once, felt an incredible sense of lack of control of my own life for the last 4 years, it has become time to be extremely educated on the Presidential candidates. Of course, voting is a right that we are fortunate to have in this country, so you should always be educated before casting your vote. This time, I want to know everything. I want to know the stance on all the issues, and I want to know the differences in candidates stances. I want to know the VP stances too. I feel somehow that if I can satisfy my hunger for all this information, I can use my one vote to help move this country in the right direction.

Here is what I've been looking through-
As it's been pointed out to me, the home page of Barack Obama's campaign is all about donations, which is a little bothersome, so this is where I have been focusing.
I have found John McCain's page easy to navigate. Although, for both of them, I just despise the annoying bashing of each other. I get it, let us make our own decisions.

My hope for this November election is that we all take the time to get educated. I think we can see that sitting back and assuming our one vote has no clout is a dangerous assumption to have. 100 of us "no-clout" voters can change the outcome. Use your vote. Use it well. Our country depends on it.

~ The ignorance of one voter in a democracy impairs the security of all.~ John F. Kennedy

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

The First One

I love being able to catch up on people from their blogs. I've decided to start one of my own.

Although my days may seem slightly empty now, I look forward to being able to remember how I felt through some of these days. I want to remember the intensity that I feel toward almost everything right now. I want to remember how this deployment impacts me day-to-day. I want to remember the little things that got us through it. I want to remember the days that I would have much rather rolled over and stayed hidden under the covers to fast-forward to tomorrow. When I remember this, I will remember to enjoy where I am. This is my wish of the blog. Run along with me as we get through the last several months of this deployment, plan a wedding, begin to develop a successful career, and start a new life actually TOGETHER with Mike!

My task for tonight- find possible music for the ceremony. My mom and I meet with the musicians on Saturday to disucss options. I'd like to have an idea before then, just incase we need to make any decisions.