Monday, December 29, 2008

Learning to Try

I feel like lately I am say the phrase "I'm learning" or "she's learning" quite a bit. Feels similar to "I'm trying" which I say pretty often as well. I'm like a broken record these days. With the pup we are always trying to teach her something. And by we I mean usually me, which is fine, I knew that when I got her. I'm learning to be a good doggie owner, and she's learning to be a good doggie. She is also teaching me patience. I have non, and training a dog requires patients and understanding. And discipline. I have claimed from the beginning of dog conversations that I am not the disciplinarian. I'm learning, although I don't want to, I want my dog to be well behaved, so I'm learning.

The "I'm trying" is mostly for Mike. I say it quietly, I say it under my breath, I shout it in the car, I speak it in my head- I swear Mike, I'm trying. I know we never discussed this type of situation and so that has made it slightly more difficult but I trust your family and your friends. I reach out to your mom and to Amanda which I am confident you would be happy about. And my friends help me through it too- you knew all of them and I am trying not to become a hermit and go out and see them. I'm trying. I'm trying but I hate it. I hate every single second without you. I feel so lost its insane. I don't think anyone else should ever have to feel this way. But I'm trying baby, I'm trying for you to put one foot in front of the other and get my ass out the door, even if it's to the gym. I just want to make you proud. I hope you don't think I am handling this wrong or in a way that you wouldn't have expected. I hope I get to talk to you soon. I just want to talk. I love you so much.

4 comments:

The Dunlap Family said...

Stacey, I check your blog every day to see how you are. I've said it before, but I think Mike would be so incredibly proud of you. I'm sure he wouldn't expect more than just trying. I'm still thinking and praying for you on a daily basis.

Anne and Andy said...

I have every ounce of confidence that Mike is smiling down on you, Stacey, beaming with pride. He KNOWS how hard you're trying everyday. He must be so overwhelmed with your grace and determination. ::HUGS::

Brooke said...

Mike is proud of you! I KNOW IT! He knows you are trying and he too prays for you..as do I! This is not how it is suppossed to be and I wish I could take away the hurt for you. Keeping trying, one step in front of the other, one day at a time, that's all you can do. I am proud of you, Mike is proud of you! I am here for you!! **HUGS AND PRAYERS**

Shannon said...

You are handling everything with such grace. I'm absolutely sure Mike is smiling down on you and is so incredibly proud of you. I think of you every day. Your strength never ceases to amaze me. ((HUGS))