Saturday, July 31, 2010


This is a copycat post from my friend Tary's blog but after I read it, I wanted to know how long, in days, Mike's been gone. It's a little bit tourturous but I felt that it was something I needed to check out.

675 Days.
1 year 10 months 7 days

Now I know that is a lot of days, but when I read the number I really feel like I've been though at least double that. I mean some days seem so long, especially at the begining. It didn't really make me upset to see the number but it made me realize how close we are coming to the 2 year mark. I knew it was right around the corner but see that breakdown made me nervous for that event. I have already decided that this year's September 24, 25 will be much more calm than last years, at the very least. I have a problem the night of the 24th (when he passed) into the morning of the 25th (when we found out). At least that was my big moment last year. Anyway, not the point of this post...

I got curious to see how many days Mike and I knew each other. We were nearing our 2 year anniversary when everything happened.

698 days.
1 year 10 months 28 days.

That hurts me more. I know that my relatinship with Mike has only changed now and I feel more secure in that fact (now more than ever) but that one slaps me in the face. I want more time. We want more time. Really? That's it? When the other number keeps growing and this number is frozen... that doesn't seem fair. I didn't know we were that close to the crossover. That close to the day when he will have been gone longer than we knew each other. Wow, time can be so tricky.

Calculating something>> here's the site

Thursday, July 29, 2010

Old future, you haunt me.

There is this family I admire from afar. I am friends with the wife. I check up on her blog and I look at the pictures she posts on facebook. I see the holidays they celebrate. I admire the beauty in the way she describes the days of their life filled with such positivity and joy. I do it just long enough to realize that was my dream.

Things have been better. I had a great 4-day weekend with some of my truest friends and we talked more than I have in the last month, I'm sure. Sometimes I sit back and listen. I listen and evaluate to see if I feel the same way, or differently, or if my saying anything would benefit the conversation. Sometimes I sit back and listen just to take it all in, rather than try to formulate what I want to say next. I had a much-needed great time, especially following a not-so-good night when it hit me that it was the last day I saw Mike. I remember thinking this weekend "I'm really going to be ok." I can see the future, even if it is only the rest of the year, shaping up to be decent. I can see Mike being proud of me. I can see more smiles and happy times through the next several months. I haven't really thought that before. I haven't thought "This could be a real life. I could do this. If I keep these women around me, I can do it."

If I keep these women around me I can do it. And when I can't, I can fall on them. They will help me.

So the pain, in most moments, is less intense. One thing that still causes me pain are the things that Mike didn't get to do. More specifically the children we didn't get to have. When I say "He wanted to be a dad so bad" I wish I could convey the gravity of it. It was one of the biggest things he looked forward to. Talking about it for me was something wayyyy in the future, after we got ourselves and our plan together. For him, it lit up his eyes. Right then, at the moments we would talk about it, he'd get so excited he could hardly stand it. It makes me sad that those people will never be. The people he would have made will never walk this earth. His children would have so much to be happy for, so much to be proud of. It is very difficult to let go of those amazing people, the ones I saw us parenting. When I lost Mike, I never wanted to think of children again. No children but the children we would have had. I can't see it any differently. I miss him and I miss them, and I'm sad that I couldn't do that for him.

So when I see this family and all the beauty that comes from their stories it takes me back there, and as I heal these broken parts that can't really be fixed, I am learning how to deal with the pain that resides.

(note- in all actuality, I could be talking about several families, all smashed into one)

Monday, July 19, 2010

It's all I need

I don't know. Sometimes I escape in this beautiful world where things can feel right, and better than they have in a long time. And now, moments after, I feel guilty. Hold on-- I don't feel guilty that by having a good time I'm betraying Mike at all. I know that man, inside and out, and I know there is nothing in the world he wants more for me than to be happy. He would have done (will still do??) anything in his power to make that happen.

See... here's where I take an unplanned break- because that sentence is all I need. It's all I need. I feel it. Once I typed it, put it in real words, I know it and I know how true it is. And never for a second do I feel that living my life is something Mike would be upset about. It is difficult to live my life now, and not the one we pictured. It makes my heart ache that he can't live out all the things he dreamed of doing. Those thoughts make me sad. But I know I have him right here with me, happy that I'm strong enough to venture out again. That he made me strong enough, courageous enough, and unlocked the feeling of love inside of me, so that I am able to venture out again.

Anyway, I say that sentence is all I need to remember and that is so true, but I have been worried lately about the approval of friends. Weird, because I know that true friends want nothing but me to be happy as well. Why do I consume myself with the negative thoughts that may (or may not) come from those around me? Why is it somewhere in my head I feel like I'm leaving him behind? One of my friends describes it as swimming against the current, having to turn around, swim back, and bring him forward with me. I probably butchered that but hopefully the analogy makes sense. Maybe it's not that I actually feel like I'm leaving him behind, but that I feel like I have to prove to everyone that I'm not. I think everyone expects that he gradually moves from my life, and since the day he passed I have had this thought in my head that I will show them, I will show them all. Why do I think I must prove these things? Who must I prove them too?? This is not somewhere I've been before and not something I've worried about before, not something I've ever planned to worry about.

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Things that Spoke to me today

Quick Blog Update

Quick update:
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Thursday, July 8, 2010

The World of the Living

My counselor told me today that through the last couple sessions she has gotten the feeling that I have "rejoined the world of the living." We both laughed a little, but as I began to think about what she said I feel like she's right in a lot of ways. I told her that it began in December, when I knew about the AWP get away and anxiously awaited the email so I could call Taryn and say PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE let me come! I remember telling my parents on the phone it was the first time I began looking forward to something. I hadn't in so long. I knew Tatiana could go, so not only was it this trip I was anticipating but also meeting my long lost sister! Literally the end of December begining of January I felt him with me, but pushing me forward. Helping me to really feel that I need to live the way he showed me, that I could live his legacy that way, that he had changed me forever.

I was open to new possibilites.

I began to take new risks, meet new people, think about my future (even if it was only a month in advance). I began to rejoin conversations with my new friends, really ask how they deal, really get to know them. I was able to grow up, see that sometimes the things you rely on aren't perfect. That's hard, it's still hard for me. In this growing you learn to trust yourself and you become strong.

There are still bad days, grumpy moments, things I can't shake no matter how hard I try. There are still things that hit me out of nowhere and knock me to my knees. But I know when to take a day off, tap out, and start again tomorrow. I start again. I call my friends (thats right, on the phone!) they walk me though it. I express what I'm feeling and I allow myself to feel that way.

Dolphins, Jumping out of air planes, meeting best friends I'd only talked to online, experienced Memorial Day in DC, met some famous people, talked to a few magazines, taken writing classes, lost 2 jobs, got a dog and a tattoo, started a business, traveled a little and had my heart lifted. Watch out life, I'm not hiding anymore.