Thursday, July 29, 2010

Old future, you haunt me.

There is this family I admire from afar. I am friends with the wife. I check up on her blog and I look at the pictures she posts on facebook. I see the holidays they celebrate. I admire the beauty in the way she describes the days of their life filled with such positivity and joy. I do it just long enough to realize that was my dream.

Things have been better. I had a great 4-day weekend with some of my truest friends and we talked more than I have in the last month, I'm sure. Sometimes I sit back and listen. I listen and evaluate to see if I feel the same way, or differently, or if my saying anything would benefit the conversation. Sometimes I sit back and listen just to take it all in, rather than try to formulate what I want to say next. I had a much-needed great time, especially following a not-so-good night when it hit me that it was the last day I saw Mike. I remember thinking this weekend "I'm really going to be ok." I can see the future, even if it is only the rest of the year, shaping up to be decent. I can see Mike being proud of me. I can see more smiles and happy times through the next several months. I haven't really thought that before. I haven't thought "This could be a real life. I could do this. If I keep these women around me, I can do it."

If I keep these women around me I can do it. And when I can't, I can fall on them. They will help me.

So the pain, in most moments, is less intense. One thing that still causes me pain are the things that Mike didn't get to do. More specifically the children we didn't get to have. When I say "He wanted to be a dad so bad" I wish I could convey the gravity of it. It was one of the biggest things he looked forward to. Talking about it for me was something wayyyy in the future, after we got ourselves and our plan together. For him, it lit up his eyes. Right then, at the moments we would talk about it, he'd get so excited he could hardly stand it. It makes me sad that those people will never be. The people he would have made will never walk this earth. His children would have so much to be happy for, so much to be proud of. It is very difficult to let go of those amazing people, the ones I saw us parenting. When I lost Mike, I never wanted to think of children again. No children but the children we would have had. I can't see it any differently. I miss him and I miss them, and I'm sad that I couldn't do that for him.

So when I see this family and all the beauty that comes from their stories it takes me back there, and as I heal these broken parts that can't really be fixed, I am learning how to deal with the pain that resides.

(note- in all actuality, I could be talking about several families, all smashed into one)

6 comments:

MandyMy said...

I know exactly how you feel here. Dan and I planned to have a big family. Both of us being from big families, and we loved the idea of it. I was probably a bit more baby crazy than he was, but hearing him talk about kids always made me giddy. His eyes lit up, he had such a huge smile, and just the way he described what he wished for, was simply amazing. It all showed me what a great dad he would have been. He passed on a Tuesday, and the Sunday before he was finally saying he wished for at least one daughter (he finally admitted it!!), and it was so cute to hear him described what he hoped she would look like. After he passed, I didn't want to think about kids ever again because they would never be OUR kids, the kids we pictured together. This has been one of OUR dreams that "haunts" me the most. We both wanted it so badly, it was a huge part of our next step, and it just wasn't in life's plan. All I can say to sum it all up is "THIS SUCKS!".
On a brighter note, I love that you are feeling that you can make it, that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. If it takes a lot of leaning, lean away. You have amazing people around you, that only want to see you happy. Positive brings positive, so keeping pushing forward, and smiling that beautiful smile! Mike is so proud of you!!

PS. So am I!! I'm always here is you need to chat!! <3 you!!

Stacey said...

Thank you, thank you, thank you Mandy. Your coment made my morning :)

TheMunchkinMom said...

Thinking about you. Can't really say much more than that.

Family said...

Thinking of you, Stacey. Today & always.

Brooke said...

Continued hugs from me.

Hira Animfefte (Xera Anymphefte) said...

My old future haunts me too. The children we would have had together. Such a waste of such good genetic material. He would have made such a great father...
And the life we would have had together. Would be having now. But never will.

It's so massively unfair...

((((((((LOTS OF HUGS))))))))))