Monday, July 19, 2010

It's all I need

I don't know. Sometimes I escape in this beautiful world where things can feel right, and better than they have in a long time. And now, moments after, I feel guilty. Hold on-- I don't feel guilty that by having a good time I'm betraying Mike at all. I know that man, inside and out, and I know there is nothing in the world he wants more for me than to be happy. He would have done (will still do??) anything in his power to make that happen.

See... here's where I take an unplanned break- because that sentence is all I need. It's all I need. I feel it. Once I typed it, put it in real words, I know it and I know how true it is. And never for a second do I feel that living my life is something Mike would be upset about. It is difficult to live my life now, and not the one we pictured. It makes my heart ache that he can't live out all the things he dreamed of doing. Those thoughts make me sad. But I know I have him right here with me, happy that I'm strong enough to venture out again. That he made me strong enough, courageous enough, and unlocked the feeling of love inside of me, so that I am able to venture out again.

Anyway, I say that sentence is all I need to remember and that is so true, but I have been worried lately about the approval of friends. Weird, because I know that true friends want nothing but me to be happy as well. Why do I consume myself with the negative thoughts that may (or may not) come from those around me? Why is it somewhere in my head I feel like I'm leaving him behind? One of my friends describes it as swimming against the current, having to turn around, swim back, and bring him forward with me. I probably butchered that but hopefully the analogy makes sense. Maybe it's not that I actually feel like I'm leaving him behind, but that I feel like I have to prove to everyone that I'm not. I think everyone expects that he gradually moves from my life, and since the day he passed I have had this thought in my head that I will show them, I will show them all. Why do I think I must prove these things? Who must I prove them too?? This is not somewhere I've been before and not something I've worried about before, not something I've ever planned to worry about.

4 comments:

MandyMy said...

I've been dealing with this same thing lately! I think that along this journey of widowhood we've been judged a few times, and we've been shown that people can be shitty. So, not only do we worry about our next steps, but what people will think of us. And, the kicker is, the people we have around us now want nothing but the best for us. But, because of those few shitty people in the beginning we question ourselves. It's nuts, the silly stuff we can think of. Just follow your heart, do what makes you happy. Always remember, the ones that matter don't mind, and the one's that mind don't matter!! Haha, yes I just busted out that quote! :)

Jackie said...

He's ALWAYS going to be a part of your life, no matter what happens now or in the future. You know that and he knows that. You can keep him with you and still live your life... it doesn't have to be either/or & anyone who thinks so doesn't deserve you in their life. You're doing a great job and you've come so far.

America said...

This is the first time I have read your blog and I just wanted to drop a little note and say as just one Army wife...I am not judging you...this is something I pray for...for the spouses/loved ones who are left behind to be able to move forward...to be able to live life again with the memories and not to be pulled down by the memories but to by buoyed by them...

Justina said...

When your happy, it makes me happy...
You should never worry yourself with what others think. People are always going to have an opinion... People are always going to say stupid things. What matters is you... You being able to hold your head high, your heart full of love and loss, rolling full steam ahead into whatever this life has to offer you.