Friday, December 19, 2014

The Power of being a Parent

If you're a mom you may already know this and experience it from time to time, but this time of the year it seems like I am constantly tearing up. I find myself overcome with emotion and gratitude that this little boy is ours, that we get to spend our days with him, and that he is strong and healthy and happy. Tonight K-man was exhausted and nodding off as he was eating. He hasn't done this since he was probably 2 or 3 months old. After I gave up trying to wake him and encourage him to eat, I just held him and his little sleeping body for about 15 minutes. I remember when he was small enough to perch on my shoulder and let him sleep, and now he spans my lap. His chubby cheeks make my heart swell.

I simply cannot believe that we have been entrusted with this little soul. It has been so much fun watching him learn, showing him he's loved, and seeing life through his eyes, and he's only been here a little less than 9 months. When he reaches for me I immediately want to hold him, whether I'm tired or angry or sick or whatever. He wants me. He trusts me to make it better, and {for now} I can. I can bounce, sing the ABC's, and hold him tight and that will cure pretty much anything that is ailing him. That power is not lost on me, and I know I won't have it forever. Someday some really unfair things will happen to him and I won't be able to fix it. But in these silent nights with him asleep on my lap, I promise him to fix what I can, and love him through all the rest- completely and utterly unconditionally. What else can I do? I pray that that will be enough.

Sunday, October 5, 2014

To Killian on Your 6 Month Birthday

My Little LoveBug,
Wow, you've been out of my belly and on this earth for 6 whole months! How does it feel?? You're getting this whole "life" thing down, my dear. Sure, you're not perfect, none of us are, but you get the eat, sleep, play, smile, bathe, enjoy-the-day activities and we have a really good time now. 

You have completely changed our lives. And there is no way we could ever thank the Lord enough for making you ours and trusting us to care of you. Sure, I'm your mom and I'll be teaching you stuff your whole life. But you've taught me more in the last six months than I ever expected.

You give me the opportunity to practice patience and deep breaths. I really did not expect to know what I was doing, and I was right; I had no idea. You were quite a fussy little newborn and constant crying tests my patience, being unable to solve your problems tests my patience, willing you to sleep from outside your room tests my patience. Deep breaths, often right in the middle of the storm, help to remind me that this will pass. {What an amazing life lesson you are teaching me!} It reminds me to keep on with what I believe because I know you, and I know me, and we will figure this it. You will stop crying/fall asleep/be ok.

I'm learning from you how difficult it is to do what is both hard and necessary. I'm the mom who would rather rock you to sleep every time than hear you cry for even 5 minutes. I won't apologize for that. But I do need to remember that sometimes you have to learn things on your own so that you can grow into an awesome, healthy, strong young boy. This concept is harder than I imagined, and I know it's only the beginning. Sometimes I may have to hurt you to help you, and I'm sorry about that. I will always try to do what I believe is right for you, even when it's hard. 

You bring out a fierce love in me. I have never in my life loved a being as much as I love you. That's just a fact. It's all consuming. It's scary and worrisome. It's challenging and rewarding and amazing. We made you. You grew inside me and you came from me. It's so much love that it's overwhelming sometimes. In the future, when you are annoyed, irritated, embarrassed, or frustrated with me, just remember that love. That's where whatever I'm doing is coming from. 

I loved your Dad before you were here, obviously. Having you here these last 6 months has changed that love in so many ways. Hearing you two "chat" and seeing how big you smile when you realize he's home from work make days full of tears completely worth it. My love and respect have grown ten-fold for your Dad since you arrived. He's learning just like I am and he's doing a really great job. 

So thanks for being here, my little one. Thanks for being happy, for all the giggles and hugs and finger holds. I can't wait to see how you keep changing and growing in the next 6 months. Don't worry about going so fast though, ok?! I love you.


Saturday, September 20, 2014

I was a really good mom this week.

Mom friends do you ever say this to yourself? It's funny to even type. On the heals of an article my friend posted, I have been thinking a lot about how I talk to myself as a mom. I truly thought that even though motherhood would be stressful and difficult, I would be made for this job. I haven't actually felt that to be true in the way I imagined. 

I've been trying to really use some positive self talk to get myself in a more positive place. "I was a really great mom this week." It was a tough week because Nick was away for 4 days and that always stresses me out and makes me nervous. Lucky it was just 4 days. We had a lot of tears and whines, and the little man's teeth are raising H-E- double hockey sticks, but I was there to comfort him, snuggle him, bounce him, and when it was necessary, give him tylenol. We also had a lot of smiles, some awesome giggly-giggles, fun at bath time, we enjoyed a little gym class, went to the children's museum, practiced standing and sitting up, sang our ABCs, and even got some big smiles at the dreaded tummy time. 

Those of you who are mommies, do you feel good at your job? Will that ever be true? Did you have to manage your expectations with reality? This is what I'm working with right now. 

Monday, September 15, 2014

Sometimes I Feel Invisible

I'm going to be a transparent mom today (well obviously I'm transparent, I blog about our life ha!) There are a lot of days that I feel pretty invisible. Today at a mother's group meeting we played around with making necklaces. I made one that had some clear beads (Killian's birthstone is a diamond) and some blue beads (because he's a boy), and then another section with a ruby colored bead and a feather (because ruby is Nick's birthstone) and then I proudly put it on to see what I thought. If we forget that it's homemade ;) it doesn't look half bad, but you know what I left out? Myself. It seemed interesting that I didn't think to put some of my birthstone on there. There I am, invisible to myself too. 

Our lives with a little one are pretty hectic and having only a few friends in the area doesn't help. I suppose I just get lost in it all sometimes. We go about our day, Nick at work, and me trying to keep K alive and happy. Sometimes it's a good day, sometimes it's a less than ideal day, and many times it feels like Groundhog Day.  Killian's smiles and the laughs he laughs just for me remind me that I'm not invisible. I may be in the trenches, but I'm valuable and necessary to him, and that is worth it all. I've said it before but I'm astonished at how hard mommy-ing can be, and also how amazing it can be.

Tuesday, September 9, 2014

I hate you, September

I felt the weight of this month bearing down on me today. It's amazing to me how in one minute you can be happy and carefree and then just a few minutes later some little trigger can have you transported back 6 (holy crap!) years and reliving every detail. Do any of you do this? I have this automatic video-reel type experience where I relive it all over again. The day I found out. The day he came home. The memorial services. The funeral. It seems-- it was-- so long ago, but very quickly it can seem like yesterday. And we just keep walking forward through these days. Head on through what we know is coming. We just keep walking because it doesn't get worse. It gets rough, but it doesn't get worse than those days.  

Do you know how incredibly guilty I feel when I get stuck down the rabbit hole? Being stuck reliving those days takes so much energy. That's energy I should be giving to my beautiful baby boy. I'm so very blessed to have what I have when I never thought I'd get there. To be able to live the life I dreamed of, just a regular life, is such a privilege. I don't know how to convey my true gratitude for it. So September is a balancing act that I have yet to master.  P

Saturday, August 23, 2014

Sometimes the Laundry doesn't get done.

Me to Nick as he got ready for work: "You don't have any clean socks, do you? My bad."
Nick: "Probably not. But you're raising our son. I can wear dirty socks." :)

As a new mom, I am trying to give myself time to master the art of truly raising a child and taking care of the home. Now, that doesn't seem all that hard right? Or at least it never did to me until now. Raising a kid is no joke! And even though I've only been at it 4 months, I can tell you there are so many things I've learned in that short time. He is my priority, and often demands that he be my only responsibility throughout the day. I try to remind myself he won't be this little for long, so it's completely ok to spend the day playing and snuggling and bouncing (lots of bouncing!) and dancing with him. The vaccuming can wait. The dishes can wait. The laundry can wait. When it starts to bury us, then we can tag-team and tackle it. Me and my main squeeze can get very overwhelmed by the "house stuff" piling up. We are learning to prioritize, and to let go. Thanks for the life lessons, Killian. 

Also, can I quickly say I have legitamately NO IDEA how my mom did it. She wrangled 2 kids (not only wrangled, but taught us stuff!), one dog, kept our house cleaner and more well-kept than a magazine, and made nutritious meals every single day. I'm lucky if Killian changed clothes, the dogs ate breakfast, and we had scrambled eggs for dinner ;) Love ya, Mom! 

Friday, August 8, 2014

Take Me Back


And Family

We had a wonderful, packed-full trip back to my homeland. It was full of firsts for Killian; first airplane ride, hotel stay, and first meetings with family and friends. I love being there but traveling with a little one is rough, so it's nice to be back home. 

I spent some time reflecting and praying this morning. {Side note- prayer seems absolutely necessary since having this little one, if only to thank God for his safe arrival and his presence in our lives.} In this time this morning I found myself in tears about the distance between me and my friends and family. Sure, since we were just back there the leaving is fresh and so is the sadness. I spend my days recording poopy diapers and soothing temperatures from vaccines, and I just wish some of that could be done with a friend by my side. 

So I miss you all. I loved seeing you. I can't wait until we're back again {for good? Ha}.

Three generations of men I love.