Monday, December 29, 2008

Learning to Try

I feel like lately I am say the phrase "I'm learning" or "she's learning" quite a bit. Feels similar to "I'm trying" which I say pretty often as well. I'm like a broken record these days. With the pup we are always trying to teach her something. And by we I mean usually me, which is fine, I knew that when I got her. I'm learning to be a good doggie owner, and she's learning to be a good doggie. She is also teaching me patience. I have non, and training a dog requires patients and understanding. And discipline. I have claimed from the beginning of dog conversations that I am not the disciplinarian. I'm learning, although I don't want to, I want my dog to be well behaved, so I'm learning.

The "I'm trying" is mostly for Mike. I say it quietly, I say it under my breath, I shout it in the car, I speak it in my head- I swear Mike, I'm trying. I know we never discussed this type of situation and so that has made it slightly more difficult but I trust your family and your friends. I reach out to your mom and to Amanda which I am confident you would be happy about. And my friends help me through it too- you knew all of them and I am trying not to become a hermit and go out and see them. I'm trying. I'm trying but I hate it. I hate every single second without you. I feel so lost its insane. I don't think anyone else should ever have to feel this way. But I'm trying baby, I'm trying for you to put one foot in front of the other and get my ass out the door, even if it's to the gym. I just want to make you proud. I hope you don't think I am handling this wrong or in a way that you wouldn't have expected. I hope I get to talk to you soon. I just want to talk. I love you so much.

Monday, December 15, 2008

Note: Deleted Post

Just and FYI, I did delete the post I made the other night about going back to work among many other ramblings. It was a little to honest for me, for everyone. Sometimes I write posts and forget a little about them. I try to be as honest as I can, I want to see if it helps. But that was a little too much.

I miss you so much, baby.

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Pictures that I love

I need to do a happy post so it will be short and sweet. It will be a montage of sorts of pictures of us, my favorites, so that I remember to look at them, so that I don't ever, even for a second, lose him. I can never lose him he's the love of my life, he's my everything. enjoy!

Best Seats Ever- Thanks Mand!!

Makeout Kiss, haha, I miss them!

Up in Austin the weekend before Mike left for Iraq. Fun times!

We bought my man his Jeep- and he LOVED it!!

In the jeep in July, All windblown!

In the hot July weather we cheered on the Tribe!

Ahh our vacation in Niagara Falls- so glad we were able to do that!

My favorite picture from the weekend in Niagara Falls. I can feel our happiness whenever I look at it.

Passed a kidney stone that morning, and the winery in the afternoon!

Classic- drinking out of the Stetson

Baby we had so great memories. These are things I never want to and never will let myself forget. I thought to myself as I was looking for ones to put up 'for a second I could pretend nothing had changed" but it has. We look so happy in those pictures. I miss feeling that happy, that happy that only you bring to me. I'll see you again and you'll bring me that happy. I love you and I know that we can do this. I'm trying, you're my world. Love you- SLM

The new Positive in my life

I got a dog- which may be a surprise or may not. I had been talking about it for around 2 or 3 weeks so it was about time to shit or get of the pot, in the way that that's related to the dog of course. So while in Perrysburg with Amanda we visited a Toledo animal shelter and found a 10 month old beagle with big sad puppy dog eyes. She came from a family who adopted her but didn't think she had enough room in their apartment. So far she's been great in the car, she gets nervous by usually just sits down and waits. When I take her out she does her business and she loves to go on walks. The problem is that she hasn't figured out how to tell me that she has to go out. I'm new to being the heavy on this (this would have been Mike!) but I'm trying and she's learning. Overall she has been great. She keeps me going, which is good for me. She needs my attention right now so it moves my thoughts forward. I hope that Mike likes her- I think he would see how much fun she has and just love her at that moment. I know it wouldn't have been his first pick but I wanted to get something I could take care of, and a golden would have grown too big for me I fear. I think Mike can see that and understands. I think he likes Lily and watches me with her to see if I can handle the discipline- his responsibility. Are you proud of me baby? I'm trying. I'm trying so hard to make it work, but i get so overwhelmed and a;ll I want is you. All I want is You. I love you so much. I'm trying to remember "we're on the same page" about everything. Its just that the pages before and after us got a little bit screwed up. I love you so much.

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

How do I do this without you?

Michael, I'm don't know how to do this without you. I don't know how to do any of this without you. All I want to do is sleep and take a hot shower and curl up and sleep some more. I don't get hungry anymore, something that is causing my dress pants to stop fitting, along with my jeans. I don't sleep at night by myself, my new little friend Ambien CR carries that burden for me. Sleeping is the closest place I can get to you right now. Sometimes I wake up and think that if I just stay in bed all day (not in the way I would have preferred) I have a million more chances to run across you in my dreams. And I would take a million more chances over none. That is usually my first fight of the day, get.out.of.bed. I've been doing it a lot more lately and I hate it. Money is the motivator, I need to pay for the house that we made because we loved it together and there is no way in hell I could let go of it. So I get up and with my physical body, I get sadness and anxiety and the thought process for what will become of this next 24 hours that I know will feel like they are at least twice that. My second fight of the day- shower, DO IT, shower! I know that sounds nice. Showers used to be my favorite thing to do. And now because of all their associations along with the fact that it means I'm starting the "getting ready for the day" process. I also hate that.

I don't want to do anything. I know that is lazy. I'm lazy. I know I'm crazy. I need my best friend to make this better. I try to talk to you baby, I try but sometimes I can't hear you as well. I need to listen closer. I am so fucking annoyed that this is our future rather than the one we planned, we envisioned, we dreamt it would be. Our way sounds so much better to me. How in the world did we get here? I love you so much. You are my everything, and you always will be. I'm so proud that you picked me to love. Bye,Baby. Talk to you later- Be good!