Thursday, October 13, 2011
I got home from class tonight and I have that distantly familiar feeling in my eyes again. The tired, drowsy, heavy feeling of a night drive home in a cloud of tears.
I don't even know where it came from except that I'm mentally and emotionally exhausted in a way I haven't been before. I'm caught in a world of balancing- no highs, no lows, no extremes- just trying to keep everything in check. I spend my time in my classes loving what I'm learning and wanting to spend all hours of the day doing that. I come home and remember that now that I am a full-time student I must also keep things around here in order, which seems completely normal to most, but I am a slob. Plain and simple. So keeping things in order takes work for me. I'm helping to plan a wedding that is taking me off in to left field, costing too much, but will be no less than breathtaking. An amazing one night that we spend 6 months coordinating. All I wanted to do was get married and now I remember why I wanted that, but was not anywhere near ready to plan a wedding. I quit my job and still somehow can't come up with a schedule to get everything done.
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"You're the heaviest weight, when you're not here, that's hung around my neck." -DMB
But it will come through at some point, no matter how much I pile on top of it. I miss him. There are things about him that I will always, always miss. I feel so heavy right now. Naturally I'm drawn to remembering his gift of being optimistically carefree. I could melt right into that with the confidence that nothing bad could ever happen if we were together, my footsteps in his, tumbling through this world together.
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"What would you think of me now? So lucky. So strong. So proud. I never said thank you for that. No I'll never have the chance." -Jimmy Eat World
Also on my drive I reflected on where I am now. It started because I was thinking that all I wanted was to be in my little condo bathroom with the yellowish light sitting on the floor in a ball with the warm shower running, steam filling the room, me letting it all out. That led to our house now, and really every time I think of our house now I immediately think of how much love I have for it. That somehow led to a string of thoughts on my hardheadedness and my pride in everything I've been through. Even though it may seem strange to those on the other side, it's like showing off my scars because I lived through it. I had no hope of coming up on the other side of this, and I have, and what it's given me I will share.
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A night I'm feeling quite weighted down. I am so happy with where I am in life, but losing my independence and gaining another half causes some moments of great introspection. But I am thankful for a loving pup, respectful fiancé, and true friends :)
Monday, October 3, 2011
Guys, a few weeks ago very VERY big things were happening. I haven't told you about them yet, maybe because they are happening to people around me, maybe I'm just a little lazy... or busy, but here are some announcements.
One of my very best friends had a baby the day before one of my other very best friends got married. DANG.
I get to go meet Molly, and see Pat and Jenny in a few weeks, so more about her then!
But--- one of the coolest wedding I've been to (and I've been to just a few) was Kim and CJ's. Reasons their wedding was so fantastic:
1. They got married on the beach. ON the beach. Without shoes, right in the sand, in front of the ocean. Isn't that everyones dream wedding??
2. We wore no shoes, and it rocked!
3. As bridesmaids we got to get whatever dress we wanted as long as it was in the right color family. EASY and INEXPENSIVE as a bridesmaid!
4. Kim's family is the best at hosting stuff and it was great to see them all :)
5. The music. The music for the ceremony, for the reception, and apparently also for the favor. They had 2 mixed CDs, some people got CJ's mix and some got Kim's mix. Nick is holding the CD hostage in his truck.
Overall- awesome experience! So happy for the Strausses and can't wait to plan a trip to Boston to visit!
I think of things I want to blog about in the most random places. When I have several spare seconds strung together I come up with whole paragraphs of things I should tell you guys that are very important, or make some point, or seem important to me. I keep thinking of several of these ideas and remembering I needed to blog them. But today a better one came along.
Today is the first day I am no longer part-time working. I am only full-time studenting. And I'm thrilled, but nervous. Honestly the money part makes me worried but I know we can do it without the little bits of money I was bringing in. I got many many things done today like studying for one of my midterms, several little wedding chores, paying a few bills, finishing the laundry, taking little Lily on a walk, organizing my office a bit, etc. I also was able to take my time and budget at the grocery store which seems kinda lame but in my minds eye it's my way to make up for the little bit I'm not bringing in.
Later I was at home, cutting up a red bell pepper I believe, and Nick just got home. He was sitting in the chair watching the TV. We were talking about the downstairs TV and how it seems to be on the fritz. I said something like "it's really no big deal. we have the one upstairs so if this one doesn't last we can just move that one down. we don't really need that one up their anyway." And he agreed. And there was nothing special, but I realized it was everything, right there.
I get so caught up (even though I try not to) in the wedding stuff, and family stuff, and money, and my condo, and my school work, and friends, and the house, and Lily... I forget to look at this life.
Our problem at the moment isn't even a problem.
I'm lucky enough to not be spending my life alone, but sharing it with Nick.
I'm lucky enough to have at least 5 texts on my phone saved so that I remember to carry on the conversation with these friends.
I have the best pet anyone could ask for.
(there she is!)
Things are wrong and things are right.
This is life.
It's not perfect but its really pretty great.
And I feel comfortable. Who knows how long it will last, but today I feel comfortable.