Sunday, January 25, 2009

I accidentally wrote the date wrong today.

I wrote 1/25/08 and for a second I was happy. One split second. Then I realized it was just an error and it was, truly 2009, and I am truly unhappy.

We do have to do a few shot outs! My friend Kimberly turns 25 tomorrow! Thanks for the good phone chat the other day. It was good to sorta catch up!

And my Pup Lily, it's her birthday too, she is officially 1 year old tomorrow!

I miss Michael more than life today. I'm tired of being alone. But more so, I'm tired of not being with him. I think about you constantly, baby. I love you, I love you, I love you! You be good! SLM

Friday, January 23, 2009

Want to see Lily?

Here are some pictures of her, they are all taken on my phone's camera so they maybe aren't the quality but they are something. I love her. She really helps making me happy. So I thought I should share! Enjoy!!

She is proctecting Maci, my parent's dog

Look at those ears!

Konked out!!

She loves her blue bone!

Thursday, January 22, 2009

Don't stop beliving, baby!!!

That title sounds like I'm going to be amazingly positive, and I'm not, but maybe slightly. I have to tell you a story. Some of you may have done things differently, but I recently had a VERY WISE (tori) friend tell me in no specific words that hey, you're not going to be anywhere near as happy as you were before all of this mess happened. So if something feels good, or feels like you need to do it, or makes you just the slightest bit happier, then do it. Fuck what people say or think, work on yourself, and just have your moment of happiness. So whenever I'm not sure what to do and I know it would be something I should ask Mike, because he would know the answer, I default to that answer. Yesterday, I was working and got a phone call from the jewelry store where Mike and I ordered our wedding bands back in July. Mike's band came in like 2 weeks later so we had his when we found out about everything. I knew mine would take a while. After all this happened I basically forgot. Mike has his ring with him, in his left front pocket, as he would want. I don't know specifically where he would have wanted it, but I know in all my heart he wanted it with him. I can't go on knowing he has his right and not get mine. So yesterday, ring lady calls and asks if I plan to pick up the ring. She had called once before. I tell her that I do plan to pick it up. She asks me if everything is ok. I stutter, holding back tears, and tell her no, but that I would rather talk when I stop in this afternoon. So I go there after lunch and the lady I had been dealing with was not there, but they had my ring ready for me. I literally gasped when I saw it, sure it was beautiful, but more for the fact that it made it very real that we weren't getting married, but we were supposed to. So now I'm about to bawl, full out loose it, and I am trying so hard to hold it in until she gets it boxed and credit card swiped. She could probably tell that something wasn't right but I did not choose to enlighten her.

I got to the car. Locked the doors. I started bawling. heart beating too fast, tears in puddles on the edges of my sunglasses, some spilling over and falling off my face. grasping for tissues. bawling. WHY dammit WHY couldn't this just have been normal. What did we do to deserve this? I don't get how its such a thin line between your life as you know it, and the absolute opposite.

So, works over a little early today. I go home and the only thing I can think of to make me feel better was climbing under the covers and crying. So I did, and so did Lily. I put the ring on, cause you know what, I want to. And I cried and cried and cried until I fell asleep. Then I dreamt. And in this dream I kid you not, For some reason I had an IPhone and I was looking through all sorts of photos of mike and i, and then I get a voice mail message from Michael and I remember instantly thinking "He sounds so happy! I love hearing his voice!!!" And he said to me "Hey baby, I love you! I know you know, but I love you, love you, love you!! You better not be hitting on old fat men (???) I miss you, I'll see you soon!!"
Now the scenario in my dream was just that we weren't together at the time, but he hadn't passed. In his lifetime he used to tell me, Stacey don't hit on those Dr's you talk to, or just stupid jokey stuff so I loved hearing him and having that dream. It really made me feel so much better when I woke back up.

Baby, I still miss you and I will forever miss you until the day I see you again. You are my everything and my rock- you just have to give me the strength now so that I can be my own rock. I know it comes from you. Thank you for coming and saying hi in the dream, it made me feel so much better. I know it is hard that there is nothing you can do to fix this but that did fix it for a bit. And I appreciate it so much! I love you, baby. And we're still on the same page!

Friday, January 16, 2009

An UnOriginal Update

It's been quite a while. I have to admit I've been sort of ignoring the internet. I go through those phases. I also went back to work. It was time to make money again, so I started the beginning of January (yes, I guess it's only been 2 weeks). I was in Chicago for a 3-day meeting this week and although it was a long few days, it was good to have something with more accountability. It was a lot less independent than my job normally is but it's what I needed. Back to normal.

Lily is doing well. She is house trained (don't jinx it!). She is absolutely hilarious. One of the funny things she does is hides her treats. She can't find enough places to hide these milkbones! I find them in the couch cushions, under pillows, under blankets, in our bed... and she wines when she can't find a good enough place. While I was in Chicago she stayed with some friends and they said they found treats all over too. Thank goodness they dog-sat her, I didn't have to worry at all. Although she wanted to sleep in bed because she's used to it with me, she didn't seem to cause too much destruction at their house!

Mike's mom and I went through his clothes. I wasn't real excited to do it, but she was right, there wouldn't really be a great time, ever. I hated every single second. But we are going to donate them so I kept telling myself that someone needed them. There are several things I kept. Each shirt or pair of shorts I pulled out had some sort of story. Some of it I just need to have. Having his clothes didn't bother me, but seeing an empty half of our closet does. Seeing the place where his shoes used to be does. Knowing a whole dresser is empty but I can't put anything in there, that bothers me. I know he's not coming back but it doesn't mean I can't wish that he was. Sometimes I get caught up in thinking about how easy it would be if none of this happened. If we just made it through every single deployment day, had an amazing homecoming, he finished up in Texas and just came back. He'd be back now. He'd be job hunting and nervous. I know he'd find something immediately, even in a crappy job market like this. It's hard to not do that. It's hard to not get swept away thinking about how it would have been, how close we'd be to the wedding now. It seems like we talked about it forever. I remember when it was 300-some days away. It's half that now. I still don't know how to do this every single day. I have some really great people around me, so I just talk to them. I just talk about almost all of it to several people that are family, or friends, or both. It's nice to have those people around.

I miss you and I love you so much, baby. You be good!