Thursday, January 22, 2009

Don't stop beliving, baby!!!

That title sounds like I'm going to be amazingly positive, and I'm not, but maybe slightly. I have to tell you a story. Some of you may have done things differently, but I recently had a VERY WISE (tori) friend tell me in no specific words that hey, you're not going to be anywhere near as happy as you were before all of this mess happened. So if something feels good, or feels like you need to do it, or makes you just the slightest bit happier, then do it. Fuck what people say or think, work on yourself, and just have your moment of happiness. So whenever I'm not sure what to do and I know it would be something I should ask Mike, because he would know the answer, I default to that answer. Yesterday, I was working and got a phone call from the jewelry store where Mike and I ordered our wedding bands back in July. Mike's band came in like 2 weeks later so we had his when we found out about everything. I knew mine would take a while. After all this happened I basically forgot. Mike has his ring with him, in his left front pocket, as he would want. I don't know specifically where he would have wanted it, but I know in all my heart he wanted it with him. I can't go on knowing he has his right and not get mine. So yesterday, ring lady calls and asks if I plan to pick up the ring. She had called once before. I tell her that I do plan to pick it up. She asks me if everything is ok. I stutter, holding back tears, and tell her no, but that I would rather talk when I stop in this afternoon. So I go there after lunch and the lady I had been dealing with was not there, but they had my ring ready for me. I literally gasped when I saw it, sure it was beautiful, but more for the fact that it made it very real that we weren't getting married, but we were supposed to. So now I'm about to bawl, full out loose it, and I am trying so hard to hold it in until she gets it boxed and credit card swiped. She could probably tell that something wasn't right but I did not choose to enlighten her.

I got to the car. Locked the doors. I started bawling. heart beating too fast, tears in puddles on the edges of my sunglasses, some spilling over and falling off my face. grasping for tissues. bawling. WHY dammit WHY couldn't this just have been normal. What did we do to deserve this? I don't get how its such a thin line between your life as you know it, and the absolute opposite.

So, works over a little early today. I go home and the only thing I can think of to make me feel better was climbing under the covers and crying. So I did, and so did Lily. I put the ring on, cause you know what, I want to. And I cried and cried and cried until I fell asleep. Then I dreamt. And in this dream I kid you not, For some reason I had an IPhone and I was looking through all sorts of photos of mike and i, and then I get a voice mail message from Michael and I remember instantly thinking "He sounds so happy! I love hearing his voice!!!" And he said to me "Hey baby, I love you! I know you know, but I love you, love you, love you!! You better not be hitting on old fat men (???) I miss you, I'll see you soon!!"
Now the scenario in my dream was just that we weren't together at the time, but he hadn't passed. In his lifetime he used to tell me, Stacey don't hit on those Dr's you talk to, or just stupid jokey stuff so I loved hearing him and having that dream. It really made me feel so much better when I woke back up.

Baby, I still miss you and I will forever miss you until the day I see you again. You are my everything and my rock- you just have to give me the strength now so that I can be my own rock. I know it comes from you. Thank you for coming and saying hi in the dream, it made me feel so much better. I know it is hard that there is nothing you can do to fix this but that did fix it for a bit. And I appreciate it so much! I love you, baby. And we're still on the same page!


Meg said...

Thank you for sharing such a wonderful story! Your friend is wise beyond her years--I most definitely think that is fantastic advice. You're amazing!

Christina said...

Stacey - I continue to be amazed by you. Thank you SO much for sharing this story with your blog readers. I know that Mike is watching you, and I'm happy that he spoke to you in your dreams. Keep doing what your doing. And know that your friend was absolutely right! You are in my thoughts!

Anne and Andy said...

I'm so glad you were able to go get your ring - and that you're doing what's right for you. Keep being strong, girl. I am so amazed by your beauty & strength! (HUGS)

Greg and Monica said...

I had to smile at the 'old fat men' :) I'm glad you got your ring too. Even though somedays you may not think so, you have amazing strength! Keep on doing what you need to!