I appreciate Me.

Driving through Kansas State University's campus a few weeks ago, in sunshiny whether, I was annoyed at all those college kids.  I noticed how they'd just step of the street in front of a car, how they wore way to short of shorts, and how young they all seemed.  It's been 7 years since I graduated college. SEVEN?! WHOA.

But you know what, I think I decided today that I am happy I'm not college-aged anymore.

On a quest to be a more authentic version of myself, I've tried to become comfortable with who I am, what I am, all of me, right now, in this exact moment.  Even though we are all working to be better versions of ourselves, I want to be happy in my shoes, now.  That's all I get for certain, and it makes for a more happy life.  This morning in yoga I set the intention to just appreciate me.  No negative self-talk.  I initially meant this just as "in yoga" like when I use a block for a side angle pose and wish I was as strong as the girl I'm facing because she's not using a block and also looks amazing in those yoga pants.  I tried to just say "great job with that chair pose, you kicked its ass!" and "nice job coming to practice today, you will definitely benefit mentally and physically. I'm proud of you."

I'll tie this together, let me get there.

Tonight I shared drinks and stories with some of my friends I hadn't seen in a while.  Since I'm leaving soon we're trying to soak it all in now.  After some food, we decided to wander through Aggieville (think downtown college area with bars and shops) and shopped a little bit.  I tried on clothes that were cute and summery and also maybe a bit to young for me.  I felt bloated from mexican, and awkward in the smallest clothes on the universe. (seriously, they are made for elves.)  I felt old, and fat, and not the same as I was 7 years ago.  I felt a little down on myself.

Then I thought about my earlier intention. You know what?  I'm not 21.  I've got a few years and a few hundred million more experiences on me than I did 7 years ago.  But I am damn proud of who I am right now, and all of those crazy, happy, horrible, sad, thrilling, lovely experiences.

Maybe we should all make lists of things we are proud of ourselves for.  Here are some of mine.

• I have an honest, true, deeply loving relationship with one of the best men in the entire world.  I get to call him my husband. We had a kick-ass wedding filled with love, laugher, drinks, fun, great music, and the most outstanding family and friends who traveled far and wide on a holiday to celebrate with us. 

• I own a dog, (at one point all on my own) and she is one freaking awesome dog. 

• I have 2 homes in my (our) possession. And yes, it's a pain we have them and don't live in them, but how fortunate to have 2 roofs to be over our heads, should we need them.
• I love my family. 

• I've jumped out of an airplane.

• I lost the love of my life. And I hated it. I was dragged kicking and screaming back into life. I didn't die. 
• I've made some of the very best friends in people I only knew online for a while.

• I have run a 10 mile race in DC in honor of an amazing man.  Twice.

• I have run countless 5K and other races, all of them with my teammate by my side.
• I have moved 4 times in the past 2 years.  I'm pretty good at it now.
• I started my own business.
• I was able to provide support to 2 of my closest friends as they welcomed the most beautiful baby boy. 

• I have gone back to school to pursue a dream I didn't even know I had 7 years ago.
• I reached my original "goal career" 2 or so years after college. 
• Earned my own Spurs.

• 
  
  
  
• I can travel with the best of them.
• My music taste is so. much. better. 
• I swam with dolphins.
• I've conquered my migraines (it's an ongoing process). 
• I'm a yogi :)

So ya, I'm not 100lbs, wearing short skirts and running through the snow to mad jacks (read: college bar, no longer there). But I'm ok with that. College was awesome, and some of the friends I made there are unmatched- I wouldn't trade them for the world.  But I really like where I'm at.  Friday night blogging at 8:30pm. :)

I'm definitely fine with this.

I appreciate me.

The Last Few Weeks- in Pictures

Spent a few days at the beach in Connecticut, checking another state of my list.

And seeing purple sand and a very important spot.

Beach time with some beautiful people

While my family takes a little South Carolina vacation-- Miss you guys! You can't tell my brother and father are related at all, right?!

Love to see what new positions Lily comes up with!

Lastly, spent the 4th of July with some American Soldiers ;)

Wiener Dog Races and Some Boating

We had an absolutely fantastic Saturday! We have been very busy the last couple weeks and had zero plans this weekend except keeping our schedules open and going with the flow. The weather was great and Saturday morning there was an event called "Paws on Poyntz" where our city shut down a main street for wiener dog races, canine couture fashion show and local vendors. One of the local restaurant's even offered their patio to customers who may want to eat with their pooch. Bowls of doggie water were available everywhere.  We took Lil and went to check it out!

Later in the day, we decided we needed some boat time. Unfortunately our boat is still being "tuned up"- they've had it for a month- we are less than thrilled with their service.

We have a couple good friends who just bought a boat and they invited us to tag along. It was SO NICE to relax and be on the water and get some sunshine. I hadn't been to this lake yet- it was huge. We met up with another friend who has an amazing boat, and spent the day tubing, and skiing and just sunning with some fun people! 

I made this one extra large because how amazing is that boat!? It has a speaker system and a bathroom! A boat to aspire to own!! :)

The weekend was refreshing and relaxing and I'm glad we had a little time to decompress. This week is about to get pretty busy! 

Hope you had a great weekend too!

Authentic Appreciation

I've been playing around with the blog- have you seen the few background changes? I can't decide what I like so I'm just dabbling a bit in some different things. As I've been back through a year or so of posts I have noticed a few things and mostly the blog has been pretty chaotic. Obviously the original purpose, circa post one and two, were to keep track of the second half of a deployment. From there we all know life took quite a dramatic shift and as I navigated through the ins and outs of that, the blog was simply a representation of my feelings and where I was. It often helped me "get it out" and then process and identify with others who were, or have been in the same place.

As I seem to have identity crises, so follows my little blog. In the last year I have been growing and learning and changing, as we all do. I have tried to convey feelings here and within the last year I have had so many positive things happen-- but reading back through the blog makes me feel mostly gray. Please don't think I live in the depths of depression consistently.  I recognize that when I feel my strongest emotions are when I like to write them down, and I guess this year, minus the wedding posts, those are the feelings I've been identifying with. 

A lot of great things are going on in life right now, and sometimes I catch myself remembering that I never thought I'd be back here. I can't scream loud enough how lucky I feel to be where I am and have the perspective I have. All I've ever wanted (I'm talking EVER, since like kid-hood) was to be happy. To figure out how to take things in stride, appreciate what's worth it in life, and smile and laugh more than I cry and complain- that's my dream. 

Great things are happening- I have amazing friends, who are now starting to have amazing BABIES :) I have probably the best dog on the face of the planet. My husband lets me be me even when it drives him up the wall! I am starting school again on Monday and that mean's I'm one day closer to doing what I would really love to do everyday.  I have a job that I can totally handle, and get to see people every day who make me smile in their own quirky ways. This is what it's about- and shifting my focus is where I am at. Authentic appreciation, not perfection. Happiness and joy- this is what I'm striving for.

My Weekend in Photographs

This weekend Nick sent flowers to my work since I started off Friday in a bit of a slump, then we celebrated St. Patrick's Day with a few beers, and a 13th birthday with a cake. Lily was also due for a nail trimming... and as you can see, I cut a little too low. Her paw bled for a while, so we bandaged it, which she hated. Then I tried to bandage and put a sock on-- at one point she had panty-hose on it. It was a little debacle. Nick decided that we would use liquid bandaid (read: superglue). It stopped the bleeding and she rested with dad. Ahhh the weekend... Hope you all had a good one!

Haggard

I'm feeling beyond haggard today. The 3 day drive complete with a dog who pants each minute of the car ride, a trailer and boat in tow, and a flat tire along the way is enough to wear someone out. I guess moving your entire life can cause you to feel somewhat lost, confused, and just plain sad. I don't see the light yet here, but of course we've only been her for 3 days or so. I think we will enjoy being closer to some people that we haven't seen in a long time. On the other side though, I don't feel like making new friends. Does that make me sound like a spoiled brat? Ya, I think a bit. I have some really amazing friends and I cherish the time I spend with them. I have entirely too many who are spread out all over the country and I would like to invest time in those friendships. Maybe that makes it less bratty.

We finally took a ridiculously low offer on the condo today. Backstory: I still own the condo Mike and I bought in 2007. I have had it on the market for 10 months or so. The condo market in that area is horrible. We dropped the price a ton and got an offer over 10,000 lower. We worked with the possible buyer and he would only come up to about 7,000 shy of our list price, with 3% of the selling price back (which makes no sense to me. Why not just offer 3% less?) and now he keeps throwing in little things that we need to pay for. A roof assessment that will cost 1,000. A home warranty for a year. I'm sorry sir, would you like me to fill up the fridge for you too???

I just feel completely beaten down. I want to feel happier and I can't seem to find it right now. Hopefully it will come back around!

Ketchup

The longer I go without posting, the more things actually happen and the more I remember there are more things to tell you. Did that just sound like blabble? Because it is.

OK here's a short update, and then from here I will just continue on like you all know what's going on ok? :)

1.) I am now in the relative middle of the US. We moved because, long story short, PCS. He will have a bunch more months and apparently they cannot be finished where we were, so we have moved.

2.) We're living with friends until the middle to end of January. The only apartment we could find that allowed us to have Lily was not available until mid January. Luckily (VERY LUCKILY) we have some great friends with a house who are letting us set up camp at their place until the apartment is available.

3.) We're getting married in 22 days. whoa.

4.) There's Christmas thrown in there somewhere.

I am excited for a new part of our life, being in a new place, but I feel like this move is distracting me from the last month or so of wedding stuff. That may be a good thing, but when I remember we have a wedding coming up, I get so excited. I think that day will be a really fantastic day.

Hope all of you are well! I will be around much more often now, promise.

Comfy

I think of things I want to blog about in the most random places. When I have several spare seconds strung together I come up with whole paragraphs of things I should tell you guys that are very important, or make some point, or seem important to me. I keep thinking of several of these ideas and remembering I needed to blog them. But today a better one came along.

Today is the first day I am no longer part-time working. I am only full-time studenting. And I'm thrilled, but nervous. Honestly the money part makes me worried but I know we can do it without the little bits of money I was bringing in. I got many many things done today like studying for one of my midterms, several little wedding chores, paying a few bills, finishing the laundry, taking little Lily on a walk, organizing my office a bit, etc. I also was able to take my time and budget at the grocery store which seems kinda lame but in my minds eye it's my way to make up for the little bit I'm not bringing in.

Later I was at home, cutting up a red bell pepper I believe, and Nick just got home. He was sitting in the chair watching the TV. We were talking about the downstairs TV and how it seems to be on the fritz. I said something like "it's really no big deal. we have the one upstairs so if this one doesn't last we can just move that one down. we don't really need that one up their anyway." And he agreed. And there was nothing special, but I realized it was everything, right there.

I get so caught up (even though I try not to) in the wedding stuff, and family stuff, and money, and my condo, and my school work, and friends, and the house, and Lily... I forget to look at this life.

Our problem at the moment isn't even a problem.

I'm lucky enough to not be spending my life alone, but sharing it with Nick.

I'm lucky enough to have at least 5 texts on my phone saved so that I remember to carry on the conversation with these friends.

I have the best pet anyone could ask for.

(there she is!)

Things are wrong and things are right.

This is life.

It's not perfect but its really pretty great.

And I feel comfortable. Who knows how long it will last, but today I feel comfortable.

What's been going on?

Sorry everyone, I've been out of the loop lately. Just getting used to life here. It's a bit of an adjustment for both Nick and I but luckily it has been mostly great fun! Lily loves have 2 people that adore her around all the time and I'm pretty sure she's best friends with Nick now. We've had some little growing pains but nothing huge, which I am very thankful for. I am also getting used to working again. It's a nice, fairly laid back job and one of my co-workers is becoming a great friend so it's definitely worth it! Plus, with all the weddings coming up and needing to travel the little bit of money will help, I hope. I also start school in a few weeks and (I know I've said this before) I cannot wait! I feel like I've been waiting and talking and thinking about this program for ages and FINALLY I get to start some great classes. The first summer semester I am taking Family Therapy on Monday and Wednesday and Crisis Intervention on Tuesday and Thursday. Both classes are taught by my advisor so she was telling me about them before I registered. Thrilled is the best word I can think of to describe how excited I am!

In the last few weeks, we've done a little celebrating and a little relaxing, when time permits! Nick finally started his language classes, so we take advantage of any time he's not studying :)

We celebrated Cinco de Mayo with our friends in the building. I made fresh guacamole and the men grilled the beer/lime chicken.

We took a Sunday walk at the Cape Fear River Trail with Lily. We went about 2 miles and she was one tired pup.

I tried a new recipe suggested by my friend- easy and really delicious. I just steamed some veggies like cabbage, mushrooms, zucchini and then cooked up some turkey sausage with some onions and put that on top of the veggies.

Celebrated some good news

Enjoyed a day off by the pool

We are both really enjoying NC! For me, the weather is such a great benefit- the sun is out all the time. It's quite a change from the gray Cleveland months. Hope everyone has had an enjoyable last few weeks!

Just as I promised, the inside :)

Here are some pictures of the new place- visitor's welcome!

Down the hall you see our front door. You walk in past a closet and our washer and dryer and into our dining room.

A better view of the dining area, and turning left you go into the kitchen. Our kitchen has all black appliance and granite countertops. Quite a step up from my white tile countertop in the condo. Granite makes me very happy!

This is the view from the dining room into the living area. You can also see the sunroom from here. It's hard to get a great picture of the living area but our sectional is against the far wall.

The master bedroom gets a lot of light and the furniture just fits. We had to put one dresser in the closet, but we made it work. (Lily's in her spot)

The master bathroom has a corner stand-up shower, a garden tub with a shower and a ton of space!

The sunroom with the ginormous green couch and chair are Lily's favorite spot when we're gone. She sits on the arm of the couch and watches out the window. One side of the sunroom has our only bookshelf but the overflow of books shows how much we need another. The other side has Lily's bed and her 2 blankets.

Not pictured are the guest bedroom and the second bathroom, but this gives you an overall feel for the new place. I love that it's new and we are the first to live in our unit. I think we can enjoy it here for a year :)