Tuesday, December 9, 2008

How do I do this without you?

Michael, I'm don't know how to do this without you. I don't know how to do any of this without you. All I want to do is sleep and take a hot shower and curl up and sleep some more. I don't get hungry anymore, something that is causing my dress pants to stop fitting, along with my jeans. I don't sleep at night by myself, my new little friend Ambien CR carries that burden for me. Sleeping is the closest place I can get to you right now. Sometimes I wake up and think that if I just stay in bed all day (not in the way I would have preferred) I have a million more chances to run across you in my dreams. And I would take a million more chances over none. That is usually my first fight of the day, get.out.of.bed. I've been doing it a lot more lately and I hate it. Money is the motivator, I need to pay for the house that we made because we loved it together and there is no way in hell I could let go of it. So I get up and with my physical body, I get sadness and anxiety and the thought process for what will become of this next 24 hours that I know will feel like they are at least twice that. My second fight of the day- shower, DO IT, shower! I know that sounds nice. Showers used to be my favorite thing to do. And now because of all their associations along with the fact that it means I'm starting the "getting ready for the day" process. I also hate that.

I don't want to do anything. I know that is lazy. I'm lazy. I know I'm crazy. I need my best friend to make this better. I try to talk to you baby, I try but sometimes I can't hear you as well. I need to listen closer. I am so fucking annoyed that this is our future rather than the one we planned, we envisioned, we dreamt it would be. Our way sounds so much better to me. How in the world did we get here? I love you so much. You are my everything, and you always will be. I'm so proud that you picked me to love. Bye,Baby. Talk to you later- Be good!

4 comments:

Heather, Brett and Annika said...

I'm still thinking and praying for you.

Meg said...

I hope knowing that others are reading your story and supporting you from miles and miles away gives you some comfort, Stacey. You CAN do this, even though never in a million years should you have to. I'm sure Michael is proud of you every day you decide to get up, take a shower and try. You're in my thoughts and prayers.

Kim said...

You can do this! I miss you, and think about you all time time.

Brooke said...

**Continued prayers and hugs**