Thursday, July 8, 2010

The World of the Living

My counselor told me today that through the last couple sessions she has gotten the feeling that I have "rejoined the world of the living." We both laughed a little, but as I began to think about what she said I feel like she's right in a lot of ways. I told her that it began in December, when I knew about the AWP get away and anxiously awaited the email so I could call Taryn and say PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE let me come! I remember telling my parents on the phone it was the first time I began looking forward to something. I hadn't in so long. I knew Tatiana could go, so not only was it this trip I was anticipating but also meeting my long lost sister! Literally the end of December begining of January I felt him with me, but pushing me forward. Helping me to really feel that I need to live the way he showed me, that I could live his legacy that way, that he had changed me forever.

I was open to new possibilites.

I began to take new risks, meet new people, think about my future (even if it was only a month in advance). I began to rejoin conversations with my new friends, really ask how they deal, really get to know them. I was able to grow up, see that sometimes the things you rely on aren't perfect. That's hard, it's still hard for me. In this growing you learn to trust yourself and you become strong.

There are still bad days, grumpy moments, things I can't shake no matter how hard I try. There are still things that hit me out of nowhere and knock me to my knees. But I know when to take a day off, tap out, and start again tomorrow. I start again. I call my friends (thats right, on the phone!) they walk me though it. I express what I'm feeling and I allow myself to feel that way.

Dolphins, Jumping out of air planes, meeting best friends I'd only talked to online, experienced Memorial Day in DC, met some famous people, talked to a few magazines, taken writing classes, lost 2 jobs, got a dog and a tattoo, started a business, traveled a little and had my heart lifted. Watch out life, I'm not hiding anymore.

6 comments:

MandyMy said...

Yay!!! I could feel the hope and happiness coming through this post! I'm so happy that you are getting back out there. It's tough, and it's gonna be an adventure, but it's all worth it. The end prize is just so amazing!! <3 you!!

Anne and Andy said...

This post made me smile so big. Mainly because I can feel your smile shining through again :)

jenny said...

this made me cry at work.

i love you.

Victoria said...

aww shoot! watch it naw! heheh. it made me feel very happy to read this! love you!

Brooke said...

What a great post! I'm smiling back at the computer screen :) Your strength, determination and hope are inspiring! Keep smiling beautiful Stacey! xoxo

aloveinterrupted said...

LOVE this. I'm right there with you on this weird thing called..."living" and exploring it with newborn eyes.

If you live your life with a cup full of love, then you will leave your life with a cup empty of sorrow.”
-Chikaodinaka