Friday, March 26, 2010

Get Some Comfortable Shoes...

I'm feeling the weight of the march that is about to begin. I have been able to breathe the last few months but I'm starting to get nervous. The march through the rest of the year, through each day, each anniversary... how many times will I have to walk this path? I'm getting nervous, I feel it nipping at my heals.

April...3 years ago he proposed. May... take a breath. June... the wedding. July... the last time I saw him. August... my birthday. September... a complete 2 years? October... We met. November... your birthday. December... Happy Holidays.

This is my walk, my march, the way the last 9 months of my years feel. It's so heavy. Heavy looming on top of me. All of these days that should be so happy, all of these occasions we should be celebrating together. I can't belive they feel the way they do now.

About a week ago I took a new arrangement of fake flowers to the cemetary thinking it may still get cold and snow and they would be a better choice for another month or so. I immediately remembered that in about a month I would be taking him flowers so often for the rest of the year. April 21 begins our walk. 3 years ago he proposed. I've been engaged for 3 years when it was supposed to be 2 years and 2 months. One day less, actually.

I'm holding you close and trying to remind myself to continue walking in the direction you pointed me. Give me a push if I need it, ok?

1 comment:

dess said...

I didn't know that Mike proposed in April. Spring is such a time of promise and beginnings, that is very prophetic. It still is, you still have a beautiful relationship. Different, but beautiful. Now he is walking with you. I think you are probably carrying each other, actually. I cannot imagine enduring all those anniversaries while missing Mike the way you do, but I hope that they will be transformed into sweet and special happy memories that give you comfort.
I am thinking of you yesterday, today and tomorrow!!! With love!