Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Peaceful Easy Feeling

Does he know we have a flagpole? This is what I thought today, our first day over 45 degrees in ages, as I stepped out on the porch at dusk to take it down for the night.

This song in my head... it's true, but somehow the opposite of the thoughts that are with me today. I don't feel like I have a place. I don't know how much I felt like I had a place before losing Mike, but I think, like a lot of things, there is no way you can realize these things until this situation has happened to you, and it doesn't happen to most people. Like in what situation do you really look back and see a completely different life for your future. Think about it, if you saw it for your future, wouldn't it be your future. Or at least the future you think you're headed toward. Not in this case. Maybe that is the problem. I still can't see a future. I don't know what to see, especially compared to how clearly I saw it before. The job I liked, the homecoming (!), the wedding, our normal time, kids, family, fun in the sun! I try to force myself into seeing something now, but it's all a charade. It's not a future I truly believe will happen. See, I don't really believe that the plans we make will pan out. I know, I know, that sounds horrible. Those of you living what you've waited for, the lucky ones that get to realize their visioned futures, you can't fathom what I'm saying. But that's good. I have said before, "Do you think people actually get that? The dreams that they plan actually come true?"

Anyway, I'm not sure when these days started to feel like a normal life, but they did, more than I ever expected. Some days are like this though. I have these feelings inside that I am surprised aren't always sitting on the surface. But I feel useless, placeless, floating around in a weird loneliness. And, at the moment, not peaceful or easy.

Stuck in my head...
Peaceful Easy Feeling

I like the way your sparkling earrings lay,
against your skin, it's so brown
and I wanna sleep with you
in the desert tonight
with a billion stars all around
'cause I gotta peaceful easy feeling
and I know you won't let me down
'cause I'm already standing on the ground
And I found out a long time ago
what a woman can do to your soul
Ah, but she can't take you anyway
You don't already know how to go
and I gotta peaceful, easy feeling
and I know you won't let me down
'cause I'm already standing on the ground
I get this feeling I may know you
as a lover and a friend
but this voice keeps whispering in my other ear,
tells me I may never see you again
'cause I get a peaceful, easy feeling
and I know you won't let me down
'cause I'm already standing on the ground
'cause I'm already standing...
on the ground

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