Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Small revelations are big revelations in this journey.
I began talking to my counselor today, after 2 whole hours of sleep, about how I feel. How am I feeling in the middle of the night when I can't stop my brain and I'm afraid to fall asleep because of the bad dreams. Angry. Angry and tired, and completely overwhelmed. We start discussing anger, how to express anger, how I feel my anger is disproportionate in most everyday events. When I get mad about something little I start to boil. But I feel like I never confront anyone about what upsets me. I feel walked on. I gave up "not being confrontational" for lent in an effort to try and feel better. I'm scared to let my anger out. We start thinking about why I feel so scared to be angry... and the pieces start to fall. And I swear to God he is right there with me helping to reveal everything I'm about to realize. I don't know if people can grasp this but in this way, everything he was was what I wanted to be. I always told him I just wanted to be happy. Please don't ever let me end up constantly mad, negative, upset. It's not how he dealt with his anger and it was one of the reasons we fit so well. He is a positive spirit, a positive person, and I wanted to soak that up from him; let him fill me with his positivity. I was so comfortable with him and I was confident that I could rely on him to protect me from ending up that way. And he still has. He helped me realize I'm figuring out my anger issues now so I don't pass them on. I'm doing the work now so I can't pass them on. It ends here. If I make it to the future I will make it there happy. I will be happy, he promised me that. Today I feel like that is possible. He can still help me to get there. He leads me there. (umm babe, a bit drastic. but I appreciate it none the less).
So in exploring this anger idea I realize that there aren't only 2 freaking ways to deal with being upset over regular everyday issues. I don't have to keep it all in and feel like I'm walked all over, and I don't have to express it in a yelling, hurtful way. I don't have to be afraid of it, it's not wrong. There's a place in between, and it's healthy anger, and it's assertive, and it's not scary. You just address the issues, and start with "I feel upset that..." and that doesn't hurt anyone or me. It's what people do. It's non-threatening. There's a difference between confrontation and anger. Anger can be healthy. I see it weekly when I volunteer with the little kids- they get angry, they address it, they move on. You don't have to carry it around. It won't breed on top of itself. You won't get more angry and more angry. You live life, and you are happy, and people respect you because you can communicate your anger. SO TRUE- I respect those people. I look up to those people. MIKE IS ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE.
You don't understand the Revelation this is to me. In 2 ways- in the way that I don't have to end up an angry person. I can be happy. I can be happy and have healthy moments of things that upset me. I don't have to hold onto it for longer than that. AND I can feel safe exploring the anger I feel for Mike being taken. We didn't do anything wrong. He didn't do anything wrong. It's unfair and frustrating and I can't control it. And that isn't disproportionate, I feel it. I feel that anger in my chest and in my hands. I wake up with fists, and nail marks on the inside of my palms from gripping so tightly, sweating from head to toe and shaking under my blanket. I grind my teeth. I have headaches, and I feel it. But I can work with it. And I won't get stuck in this angry crazy world if I do. It's overwhelming and powerful and I can express it appropriately and safely and privately. Expressing it may calm it down, but I'll never get rid of it. But it won't make me an angry person. I can be happy.
that's so crazy to me. like out of this world.
Today reminds me why I continue to go to my counselor. Sometimes i have nothing new to talk about. and every once in a while- this !
Posted by Stacey at 9:02 PM