Tuesday, June 16, 2009

"The Problem with Death is

that I am left looking at myself, naked, under florescent lights, mirrors over and around me." I stole this because I can completely identify with it. I see all of the things about me I hate. My confidence is shattered. I lose the cheerleader for that part of me who knew my positive attributes from top to bottom and could repeat them on the days I needed to hear it.
My view now is just loneliness, and ugliness. You may disagree, but you're not the one who I believe
I feel disgusting. Disgusted that I couldn't do my job to the fullest because I had such a lack of caring. Disgusted that I got laid off. Discussed that I have to find a job when I don't care.

Apathy is my new strongest feeling. Apathy and Anger.

The little girl in me is in full temper tantrum. And even if she was, it wouldn't matter. Nothing brings him back. All I want is him to be back. I have not yet let go.

Our wedding would have been beautiful thanks to his help. It's confusing to me becasue I picture it. I can see it in my head. I can see him in the front of the church with all his guys. He has a huge smile on his face and he's holding himself back from trying to run to me. I see my girls on the other side looking georgous. I see his paretns blooming with smiles and I see all the eyes on me as my father and I walk down that isle toward my new life. Toward the life I really have always wanted. I see it. I see it all - I picked the music...and its just not going to happen. How can I see it so clearly without it happeneing. How didn't we see this coming. I want to talk to you so very badly. Just talk. I miss you. I miss my best friend.

4 comments:

Sheena said...

Oh Stacey I wish I had the words... I know you don't realize it, but your strength continues to amaze all of us. Please just know that I continue to pray for you daily.

M*G*M said...

I hope your own beauty & strength becomes more apparent to you with each day.

Christina said...

Stacey - I couldn't agree with Sheena and Monica more. Your strength is amazing. You are always in my thoughts and prayers!

Heather, Brett and Annika said...

You are always in our thoughts and prayers Stacey.