I would like to discuss some of the things I talked with my counselor about this week because I have been very nervous/ anxious going in there for some reason. Well, honestly I feel nervous/ anxious for a little while now. And she gave me a really great analogy that I think I need to hold onto. She said that when you avoid something as big as this (Read: me avoiding dealing with how much pain I am in from this grief) it just follows you and follows you and you put so much energy into keeping it under control or buried with things that keep you busy, that it is ALWAYS there. She said that what we will do by me deciding I need help moving forward is that she will help me to stop running, turn around, and face it. In a save environment with some strategies in place outside her office to keep me calm and in a safe happy place. That made so SO much sense to me. I am so damn tired, just tired. But I feel guilty because I never get enough done at work, or things around the house, or I forget things, or I can't concentrate. It's like my lists just get longer. She mentioned that I can't be too hard on myself because I am doing a lot, its just a lot of running away and I could catch up without first being a slacker.
***2 weeks*** until our wedding day. I'm willing to bet the whether will be gorgeous- perfect temperature. Sun. I have friends planning activities for me. A visit to the cemetery and then the rest of the day by the cabin near the lake. Better than sitting here wallowing...
I'm still not sure how I'm going to make it through these summer months. T has got my back for sure, and that helps. I'll just keep my cell phone by my side and keep pushing forward.
I miss you so much baby. Happy 2 weeks till OUR DAY!!! :-)
1 comment:
...and here I was hesistating returning your text when I realized I had missed it, cuz it was so late...
Girl, this makes sense...what EVERYONE kept telling me was to quit doing so many other things, and to focus on me...and to allow myself to grieve...well, to be honest...it was nice to be so involved in things (but of course, they never all got done, cuz I was distracted), as it let me just force the other parts out of my mind...well, as much as they ever can be...considering..
Anyway, coffee (hot chocolate for me!), lunch/dinner/dessert, soon!
Til that time, well, it is ALWAYS your day, regardless, so glad your friends are planning something for you!!
~Rachael
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