"I'm angry with him"

One of my favorite movies is Pretty Woman. Many of you may know the part I am referring to in the title. There is a scene when Richard Gere and Julia Roberts are in the bathtub and he is talking about how it has taken him a long time to get to the point where he can say those words about his father, "I am angry with him." Every time I recognize something I'm doing either with or without thinking is coming from a place where the fires of fury burn, I think of this scene. Strange, I guess, but usually I take a deep breath, unclench, and think "I am angry with you."

I have written, read, talked and thought a lot about anger. What am I feeling? Who am I feeling it toward? What is the appropriate way to express it? Today with Karen we talked through my feelings that I've been ignoring. My anger with God. I've started to ask a few others who I trust about their feelings, their religious beliefs, their view once their spouse was taken, and I was struck by some of the differences. I think this is a time that I can feel comfortable exploring. That is a strange thing to think about if you have had a close personal relationship with your spirituality and never had to question things. I was very comfortable with what I believed before Mike was killed. Losing him initially caused my relationship with God, my comfort with religion and my belief to grow apart.

One difference that I have noticed is in the matter of trusting God. I often talked with Mike about how we trusted that God would bring him home. We believed that would happen with such strong conviction. When he didn't come home, I didn't know where to turn. I had done what I thought I was supposed to and it didn't work out. I held up my end of the bargain, and God let me down. How do I get that trust back. Several of the women I have discussed this with told me that they didn't necessarily believe that way. (hopefully I am correctly representing my friends here) Many said they hoped and prayed that their loves would come home, but they didn't really trust that God would bring him home safely. They were very real about the possibility that God had a different plan. This is something that has caused me to think, and I love hearing other's opinions.

So anyway, for now, I am angry with him. I struggle with what I believe. I am trying to sort through it.