Saturday, April 23, 2011

Let's just be honest here.

I've had some tension building up. Let's just see if we can get to the bottom of this, shall we?

I've had heartburn for about 2 weeks off and on. The last 3 days have been absolute murder. When I eat I have a hard time swallowing. My headaches, the ones that I thought we figured out were from my clenched jaw through the 8ish hours I sleep a night, are back. Still wearing the night guard so I know it isn't the jaw. At the end of the day I'm pretty sure Nick is tired of trying to figure out how to cure my headaches and lack of sleep due to the heartburn. He's getting a little fed up. Well sure I could go to the doctor but that leads me to another small issues... in order for me to continue my current health insurance I will now be paying somewhere around $486 a month. Um yea, that's not going to happen. So I'm on the search for health insurance. We will see in 7-10 days if I have a new plan.

Mike's annual golf tournament is June 11. It's a great time to catch up with a lot of his friends that are spread throughout the country. Although I've moved and hardly helped coordinate anything this year, I was absolutely planning to be there. How would I not? I was caught off guard to get an email about the tournament when I hadn't talked to anyone about the preliminary stuff, but I know that his friends enjoy planning a lot of that so I don't need to step in. I moved, so I guess it's harder for me to help much anyway. Did I mention my younger brother graduates from college in Cincinnati on June 11? Oh ya, that's happening. My little brother, who single-handedly kept me alive some of those bad days after losing Mike, is graduating from college. He sat through my graduation in 2006, but that's kind of irrelevant, because I would feel absolutely horrible if I wasn't there for him. That aside, my mom would pretty much disown me if I didn't go. I've already had enough crazy parent stuff, I'm not trying to throw more pain on that one. I've been avoiding this overlapping schedule. Just avoiding dealing with it. I think it's a big source of anxiety for me. And I think I'm straight up upset that I care that people will be wondering where I am. I hate that I will be at Matt's graduation thinking about the golf outing. I just hate the whole thing.

I have a lot of weddings this summer, much like last summer. That's exciting. Since most of my weddings are not in NC I have to take the whole weekend off of my new job to attend. I don't mind but I hate the idea of asking for time off. I've always felt nervous and guilty when I take time off of work, no matter how important the job actually is. It makes me feel horrible, like I'm inconveniencing my boss and the other people who work with me, since there aren't that many. But I have to be at my friend's weddings.

Nick is deathly afraid of being "lame" as we get older. I am deathly afraid of being the one who makes us "lame." (Well, maybe not deathly). So every time I decide I don't want to do something for some valid reason to me, I feel like he is secretly thinking that we're being lame.

I hate worrying about money, but I guess that one is just par for the course, seeing as I didn't work for a year. Being that the condo still hasn't sold I feel the money just slowly dripping out of me. However, I'm pretty sure almost everyone worries about money no matter what anyway.

Well I guess that's the big stuff that is floating to the top of my brain right now. Maybe typing through and sorting it all out will help me relax. I appreciate you all letting me vent and I know some of these things are total non-issues, but thanks for your support!

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