I turned off the light again last night. Since losing Mike, I've slept with the bathroom light on and the door mostly shut so there is only a small crack that the light shines through. Initally it made me feel safer. Then it was sort of like that David Cook song about leaving the light on.

...Try to leave the light on when I'm gone
Something to rely on to get home...

Every night when I would go to shut it off, that would just bounce back into my head and I thought just incase he needs a guiding light to get back here and rest his head with me...

Even when I travel, or stay at my parents, or with friends (ha, you know!) I find a light, somewhere in the room, and I leave it on. Sometimes it's annoying, because everyone isn't prepared for this situation, so it's not alwasy a little light I can control, but it always seems worth it.

Saturday night as I was getting ready for bed with way, way, WAY too much on my mind I inadvertantly shut off the bathroom light, after which I stood in the threashold between bathroom and bedroom trying to decide if I should turn it back on. "Come on Stacey, you're not afraid of the big bad wolf..." I stood still, arguing with myself, Lily slightly confused. And I decided the light from the Ihome was enough. I sat down on the bed and turned the glow-in-the-dark numbers to the brightest they could go, and I kinda took a deep breath that that stupid yellow light wasn't haunting me from the bathroom, begging for something I couldn't give it. So I did it again last night, with a little less hesitation. I'm not completely sold, but somehow changing this routine that I adopted out of such pain is giving me some fresh air.

Does that even make sense? Who knows anymore :)

NYE

Maybe it was because it was last minute, or because my 2 friends there know Mike too and I didn't have to hide anything, or because it was a completely different place and I had very little worries for a day and a half, but I had a truly fabulous time in Manhattan, Kansas on New Year's Eve. Thank you, thank you Katie and Adam for letting me visit!

Hope your New Year's was enjoyable, too.

Stolen Idea...

One of the most recent posts on the Widow's Voice blog has been continually popping up in my head the last few days. It is about a 6 Word Memoir. 6 words to sum up your life.

"The six-word memoir is said to be rooted in a bet between Ernest Hemingway and a friend — supposedly, the author claimed he could write a short story in just six words. (He won with “For sale: baby shoes, never worn.”)"

It's difficult, to say the least. And when I first read it I thought that there would be no way I was going to try. How do I sum up everything in 6 words? It was worse for me to think that in 5 years mine could be different, or the same. That thought was uncomfortable for me. Since I read it I've been trying to do it, without realizing it. Walking Lily, listening to music, watching TV, I keep trying to make a better story in 6 words. I've concluded I can't make just one, but several. Since I can't get it off my mind, I thought I'd share.


I walk with you beside me.

Things change. Love remains the same.

Uncertain but sure. Love. Life's pleasure.


I'll have a million more, I'm sure. Try it yourself, or decide not to, and then find yourself trying anyway! :)

Repeating

"Stay Or Leave"

Maybe different but remember
Winters warm where you and I
Kissing whiskey by the fire
With the snow outside
And when the summer comes
In the river
Swims at midnight
Shiver cold
Touch the bottom
You and I
With muddy toes

Stay or leave
I want you not to go
But you should
It was good as good goes
Stay or leave
I want you not to go
But you did

Wake up naked drinking coffee
Making plans to change the world
While the world is changing us
It was good, good love
You used to laugh under the covers
Maybe not so often now
But the way I used to laugh with you
Was loud and hard

Stay or leave
I want you not to go
But you should
It was good as good goes
Stay or leave
I want you not to go
But you did

So what to do
With the rest of the day's afternoon
Isn't it strange how we change
Everything we did
Did I do all that I should
That I could have done

Remember we used to dance
And everyone wanted to be
You and me
I want to be too
What day is this
Besides the day you left me
What day is this
Besides the day you went

So what to do
With the rest of the day's afternoon hey
Well isn't it strange how we change
Everything we did
Did I do all that I could

Remember we used to dance
And everyone wanted to be you and me
I want to be too
What day is this
Besides the day you went babe
What day is this

Happy Ever After

I'm cold, and I've had more than a minute or two by myself which usually leads to reflection. I had my music playing somewhat randomly and Ben Harper's "Happy Ever After In Your Eyes" came on and caught me right in the middle of whatever I was doing. Happy ever after. What a lofty goal. Sometimes it's such a pain to look down this road with only the knowledge that he's cheering me on. I squit, rub my eyes and look for him. But I just have to know, to remember, to trust him. Trust can be so difficult for people of this world, and I remind myself I can do this. I trust him, even when it's hard.

2010 Revelations

1. I've tried everything. Everything I could. You're not back. Maybe it's time to try something new.

2. There is no right or wrong. He did a lot of things right, and had great moral character and he's gone. We did things the right way, and they ended up the wrong way. This is what shows me the world of strict "rights and wrongs" isn't necessarily a real world. There is no right or wrong way for me to deal with my grief. There is no right or wrong way to continue to take steps forward. There is nothing right or wrong in me deciding to spend a difficult day in bed. There is nothing right or wrong if I have (had) a really good time on New Years Eve. I still miss him and I want him right beside me. But that should be standard knowledge by now.

3. I hate that I am the subject of converstaions from people who have no experience close enough to compare. I realize that mostly its out of concern for me, but I am telling you now, I hate that feeling. I hate finding out later people were talking about me and how I'm doing. Saying I've lost touch with reality because I talk about Mike, that I still wear my rings. Stop talking about me. If something that I am using to help me greive is hurting you or bothering you, address it with me and maybe then I can understand your point of view. Talking behind my back makes me feel even more lonley, like even the people I thought could try to understand couldn't. Its a crappy feeling, on top of everything else.

I know for 100% Mike wants me to be happy. And that is what I am working towards. Being happy.