Wednesday, January 6, 2010

2010 Revelations

1. I've tried everything. Everything I could. You're not back. Maybe it's time to try something new.

2. There is no right or wrong. He did a lot of things right, and had great moral character and he's gone. We did things the right way, and they ended up the wrong way. This is what shows me the world of strict "rights and wrongs" isn't necessarily a real world. There is no right or wrong way for me to deal with my grief. There is no right or wrong way to continue to take steps forward. There is nothing right or wrong in me deciding to spend a difficult day in bed. There is nothing right or wrong if I have (had) a really good time on New Years Eve. I still miss him and I want him right beside me. But that should be standard knowledge by now.

3. I hate that I am the subject of converstaions from people who have no experience close enough to compare. I realize that mostly its out of concern for me, but I am telling you now, I hate that feeling. I hate finding out later people were talking about me and how I'm doing. Saying I've lost touch with reality because I talk about Mike, that I still wear my rings. Stop talking about me. If something that I am using to help me greive is hurting you or bothering you, address it with me and maybe then I can understand your point of view. Talking behind my back makes me feel even more lonley, like even the people I thought could try to understand couldn't. Its a crappy feeling, on top of everything else.

I know for 100% Mike wants me to be happy. And that is what I am working towards. Being happy.


bokallolie said...

My friend, I know I've said this before to you, but in hopes other people read this, you ARE Mike's wife. Through and through. I think what I've found... is that people actually get frightened by a "love stronger than death," because it seems like something that only exists in fairytales - because most likely, not many of them have or have had a love like that in their lifetime. It's easier to deem it "crazy" and unrealistic than to actually believe. I've always said, so many could understand the pain better if they understood the love.

You're right, there is no right or wrong way to grieve - there is only your way. I'm sure if anyone lived but ONE hour in your shoes they would never again look at how you live and move forward with Mike with you with a second of judgement. Blessed are those who can look on and wonder what it would be like, huh?

I hate that when you find moments of happiness people would like to believe that the grieving is over. Sure, that would be easier, and a lot more fun for people to deal with, but its never like that. Our lives will never be the same. I don't understand why people can't just accept that. Every moment you wish Mike was by your side. Happy, crying, laughing, or screaming - it should be unsaid by now.

I hope you know I support you and all that you do, and marvel and the love that you and Mike share. You are his, Stacey. And he is yours.

(sorry I wrote a novel ;) )


jenny said...

Kim - I don't know you, but I'm so glad Stacey has you.

Stacey - You amaze me every single day. Really.

Jackie said...

Don't worry about what people say. They have no idea what it's like to be you and deal with everything you are dealing with. Grieve how you want to grieve, celebrate when you feel like celebrating, and just be you. Everyone else isn't even a blip on your radar.

Victoria said...

Amen sister. i agree with everyone you said stace

Kimberly said...

Looks like you did have a good time on new years! loved the pictures. such a strong girl you are, because I have no clue how I would (or if i could) handle what you've gone through with such dignity, honesty and strength. Screw other people and what they think. what matters is what you want and what YOU think. I'm proud of you and I miss you dearly! Please come to Boston sometime (maybe when it warms up and stops snowing, unless you enjoy cold!) Hope you had wonderful holidays!

Jessica said...

Kim - I loved your novel. It's perfect - Stacey is lucky to have a friend like you :)