Monday, September 20, 2010

I need to ask you a question.

I do. I need to ask you a question because (almost) 2 years later I still don't know the proper way to "feel" my anger. Once last year my counselor asked me what I used to do when I was angry, before losing Mike. I told her I didn't know. What did I have to be all that angry about? I've tried several things, maybe more than several things. I don't know what to do to release this anger. All the activities I've tried have been a let down. I've broken glass, but the clean was more tedious than I'd expected. I've beat up pillows, and my bed and that seems so easy. I've written, but lately I don't even feel like it. I'd vent, but I have nothing new to say. I've taken it out on Lily (not too crazy or anything!) by yelling at her for nothing, but that really just makes me feel worse. A couple weeks ago I was shooting with some friends and afterward I didn't feel like I had expected.

What do you do that I haven't done?


What if I have to carry the weight of this all my life?

10 comments:

GI Jane said...

I work out. Seriously. I lift heavy weights and it feels like literally the weigh has been lifted off my shoulders. Hang in there sweetie. *hugs*

MandyMy said...

Ahhh Stace, I was just talking about this with a friend the other day! I've literally tried everything, or I feel like it all adds up to everything. It's been 3 years and the anger is the one thing that has stayed consistent this entire time. I want to be it over the head because I hate being that angry person. I think it'll all figure itself out one day...I HOPE!!! Hugs!! <3 you!!

Anne and Andy said...

I either go for a long quiet drive by myself, or go for a long quiet run by myself ;)

Kimberly said...

So, I don't know where you'd find the ability to do this... But when Eric and Miranda were remodeling their upstairs they had to demolish all the walls first. So I got to literally throw an enormous hammer at a wall as hard as I could. I really didn't have much to be angry about at that point, but I remember telling Miranda that I couldn't believe how good it felt (and at the same time how I felt like I was doing something bad haha). Call Eric, Maybe he needs more help on his house!

Bana said...

Fury by Koren Zailckas was just published and is a FANTASTIC book on women and anger. Highly recommend it. Also, CrossFit.

Victoria said...

Being an artist, what sometimes helps me and could help you is getting some charcoal, or conte or even paint and furiously scribbling and lashing out at your surface. It makes me feel better and then you have a piece of abstract art to hang heheh. I have one of these paintings hanging in our bathroom, a result of a fit of anger but it also looks cool.
Something to lose yourself in too could help, cook! you are a good cook! just don't put the anger in the food! I forget my problems when I shoot some hoops. You could try that too... love you

TheMunchkinMom said...

Writing always helped me, but you said you had tried that.

Driving on a really curvy road helps me "unwind" but it's not for an acute anger episode.

And the form of yoga I'm learning to teach is pretty darn strenuous. I find a lot of times the best way to get rid of my anger is to allow something to distract me from it until at least the fury abates. When I'm working so hard, it's all I can do to breathe and sweat...let alone be mad.

You will carry some feelings with you forever Stacey, but with each day and each form of love that enters your life...through what you do, the friends you keep, the family you lean on...you will have help for your burden. Lots of love, hon.

Elliott's Wife said...

I don't have any amazing words. There just are not any words for what we have been through, the emotion runs so much deeper than just anger. Maybe that's why nothing conventional helps. My husband was killed just two months ago, and I feel the anger setting in. I fear that it is just something we have to live with, and that maybe just maybe there are enough distractions throughout the day to make it bearable.

Allison said...

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MandyMy said...

I know I've already commented on this post, but Allie started this survey tag war, and now I'm getting you!! Here it goes!! TAG!!! You're it!! Go to my blog for the details!!! Love you!!! :)