The Weather

I walked outside today with Lily feeling a little heavy, or a little lazy, or a little of both. I'm struck by the weather and I immediately think, "This is what it was like." The funny thing about that thought is that I don't really remember what it was like outside in those days after we found out Mike was gone. I remember being in the Medder's backyard a lot, so it couldn't have been that cold. I remember the day he came home was the same weekend that Avon Lake had their homecoming football game and dance, how ironic. I remember the day of the funeral the funeral director, Bob, talking with my parents about how I wouldn't be warm enough outside in my dress, and they said they brought a coat. He mentioned that I was already shaking, and I turned around and said "It's not from the weather." I remember shaking a lot, but I don't ever remember being cold. Is it weird that he came back home to the weather that was his favorite. To the season he had missed the most? The first fall he was gone I took pictures of leaves and trees and our porch in the fall and sent them to him so that he could get a little taste. I remember him telling me he appreciated that, but that he'd rather I send pictures of me, ha. Football season was his favorite. Ohio State, the Browns, Avon Lake, and old stories, he loved that sport for all the amazing memories it gave him. Now it was wrapping up his life.

It feels so long ago. This week at dinner I was telling a friend that I remember being 4 months out and knowing of people at the 2 year mark and beyond and thinking I had no clue how I would make it that far. Most days now it all feels like a distant memory. I'm comfortable with how I think and feel now, even though it is so different from what I expected. How did I become comfortable with such an unfamiliar way of life. I couldn't believe it when it was happening, and I can't believe it now looking back. It was a time in my life that I'm still sure should have been a movie, not the real thing.

I will be blunt, ha. I am ultra-sensitive this time of year. I feel like many important people in my life are gone, or in a new, less-reoccurring role, and asking so much of me. On this second year I have found that I need everyone to remember that no matter how far I am from the day that Mike was killed I will always have a difficult time with that anniversary.
Always.
Every single year.

That may be hard to realize, or that may not make sense but it's my truth.