Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Nothing Cohesive.

Ok it's kinda of crazy how people are on the same wavelength. I have been struggling with my identity lately and it's something I'm aware of but can't figure out how to fix. Not even how to start. I don't exactly know who this person is that feels happy now. I don't know what to do when I lay down in bed and don't spend hours crying and wishing for some type of peace. That may sound weird, because while I was there all I wanted was peace, relief, acceptance. Now that I feel closer I'm so confused. (sounds like the grass is always greener type of thing).

I was just talking with a widow friend last night and explaining that everything just seems more complicated now. Having a relationship is difficult to begin with and this suitcase of baggage that I am not willing to give up does not make it easier. Not that that is what Mike is to me, just what losing him has given me. The two men who notified me should have just brough me biggest one they could find and said "here you go- you're gonna take this everywhere from here on out." I am happy that I can have really great (sometimes repeated becasue I need to hash everything out) discussions about the things I'm feeling uncomfortable with because I know that that is something I need to have if someone plans to be with me. Sometimes those differing opinions sting because they hit so deep.

In other news-- The Army 10-Miler is Sunday! WOOOO! I am ready, I am a runner, I am going to finish this race, and it is going to be awesome. (This is what I repeat to myself throughout the days now.) I am excited to experience the race, the atmosphere, the whole thing. I'm very nervous. While I was running yesterday I decided that I just need to remember to keep my head up and take everything in. I could care less about my time, just that I finish the race. I know physically I can run ten miles without dying. So I'm there for the experience; to meet the thousands of other people and know their stories; to tell them about Mike; to meet some fellow widows who I've never met in person; to share this with Mike's sister Amanda, and his mom and friends; to look around and realize I'm running past the Capitol or the Washington Monument. To cross that freaking finish line and feel a little bit more (*bad ass*) proud of myself! :)


Sharon said...

Skydiving didn't make you feel badass enough?!?! Haha. I'm so proud of you and envy your ambition! Still trying to hit 3 miles on a regular basis :) Love you.

MandyMy said...

I say, I have a shit load of baggage, but at least it's Louis Vuitton!!! Can't wait to hear how the 10miler goes!! :) Love you girl!

Deanna said...

It is an amazing race with amazing scenery!!! I will be there - maybe we will "run" into each other :)

Victoria said...

You are a badass! I am beyond impressed, I remember the Stacey that could barely suffer through a treadmill walk at the gym and now you are conquering 10 miles?! I'm with Sharon I can barely do 3! I am so proud of you and can't wait to hear all about it!