Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Revealing my points of anger.

In the early hours of the morning when lily wakes me up to go outside we do our business and usually go back to bed for a bit. These are the hours that deep thoughts start to cross my mind, maybe because I'm less trained to fight them when I'm half asleep. I am back in bed, doing this sort of stretching/meditation I do. I tend to sleep all crunched up in various forms of the fetal position which makes my back and leg muscles less than happy in the morning. Stretching helps them feel better and gives me time to breathe and let go. This morning as I was doing this a thought that seems obvious now that I recognize it floated to the surface. I am angry that life has me back in this situation. I am angry that I have to do it again. It feels like some kind of cruel joke.

I have met someone who I didn't think existed. That's really the best way for me to put it. He's jumped on my crazy train and has been a very sturdy source of support for me. Without diving into all the specific details of Nick (unless you want to hear them, ha) he has patience beyond measure and has walked forward with me and then taken a pause when I throw up my arms and tell him I'm too overwhelmed and things need to slow down. I very rarely look into the future. It doesn't matter what or how much I plan because life has it's own plan. Nick is a planner. I think it's something he was born with but his career dictates that he maintain that point of view. Nick's in the army.

Now you see. How did this happen? What is my deal? So these are the things occupying my mind lately.

4 comments:

Anne and Andy said...

I can see how you're mad. And frustrated and confused. But hearing about Nick does make me happy :) Mainly because I know he must make you happy.

Jackie said...

Stacey- I'm proud of you for taking another step forward. I can understand your anger and fear, and I hope that as time progresses, the anger and fear start to wane away. ((hugs)).

MandyMy said...

Like the other girls have said, I totally get where your anger/frustration is coming from. The way I see it, you've been blessed with an amazing person. Being in the Army is, just as you said, a job. A really scary job, that requires a lot of commitment from both people. A friend once told me she didn't know how I could handle being with a guy in the military, and she said she could never do it. I simply told her, when it's the right guy, it's worth it, and I'm 100% sure you know this. Taking the step you did, and allowing someone into your life, is a huge thing, and it brings up a lot of crazy thoughts, questions, and actions. But, I guess what I'm saying is, in your heart you know what you want and need in your life, and although nothing for us will ever be simple, sometimes we need to let go, and take the leap. It isn't too often that amazing people walk into our lives, and are willing to embrace all of our craziness!! Oh, and I want to hear more details about this Nick dude!! :) Hang in there lovie, life will work itself out!! Love you!!!

Ohh, PS, Army boys are simply the best!! :)

Sam said...

Ummm I want to hear about this guy.....hope you are well