Thankful.

This week I experienced a day that ended with me feeling nothing but entirely thankful for the blessings I have in my life.  It wasn't much different from an ordinary day, but the small things that happened filled my heart with love. 

I received a gift from a friend that I put on as soon as I opened the package, sitting in my car in front of the clubhouse where I had to pick the package up. Sometimes I forget how much something little can make someone feel special and I was so grateful that she took the time to think of me and remind me I'm loved.

While I was at work later in the day, I heard a song on the radio I haven't heard in so long.  Faithfully isn't a song the mix station we listen to ever plays.  I choose to think it was him.  It came on at a time when I was working the desk by myself, so I was able to truly enjoy it without having to explain to anyone why I was teary-eyed.  I smiled and thanked him.  He has to know how much I needed to hear from him.  I laughed because following that song is one of the songs I hate the most right now, "If I die young."  One of my girlfriends chalked it up to the radio's sense of humor. It just all felt very good, very familiar, and filled my heart to the brim with love.

That night after work I headed to a yoga class. I am always drained after work, but I know that going makes me feel amazing so I try to shove the tired to the side and go anyway. I am so glad I did.  The class was packed! I mean only-a-few-inches-from-your-neighbor, we-all-kept-scooting-to-make-more-room packed.  But the class- the best! The music mix that accompanied us was a mix of iron and wine, mumford and sons, florence and the machine, and other fantastic artists.  We did a lot of chest openers, which is exactly what you need after a day sitting at a desk. And I left feeling euphoric.

Talking with my husband after my day, I couldn't stop jabbering about how all these amazing things happened to me and that I felt like more great things were on their way. I am so, very blessed in all area of my life that it's funny how I don't always recognize it.  

Thank goodness for amazing days like this. 

Disengaged.

Lately I've been feeling very heavy.  I think that's the right word for how I'm feeling.  Overwhelmed by bad instead of good, by conflict instead of resolution, but anger instead of kindness, by loud instead of quiet.

Do you ever feel like this?

I acknowledge that events in the last few months have been very depressing, filled with hurt, anger confusion and devastation.  I wonder if it's better or worse that we are more accessible to the horrible things.  I mean accessible in a 24-hours a day, constant news cycle, alerts on our phone, articles posted on social media way.  Reading and hearing other people's comments on horrible things, or opinions that attack and degrade others is only one smart phone tap away.  For me, sometimes it is too much.

I have had to consciously start taking myself away from the negatives to try to refocus on the positives. (read: I have a tendency to be a glass-half-empty kind of girl, making this difficult). Turn off the show (or leave the room) that is spewing negative jargon.  Change the discussion when it concerns only disaster, anger, hatred, and ugliness.  Chose to listen to nothing in the car, instead of another view on exactly how to fix our crazy world.

I don't think I'm doing it very well yet.  I work to focus on the positive, to stay calm and relaxed, to honor my feelings, and to treat others with kindness.  But when I'm working on that, and you want to discuss which people are idiots for their beliefs, I have to disengage.  I do not have all the answers, and I no longer know who I agree or disagree with, but right now my heart is too heavy.  I choose not to discuss these upsetting issues because I know I will dwell for hours after the conversation.

But most of the time, my exit is less than graceful.

I hope to be able to find my way, choosing positive over negative, so that I may feel more true happiness, however there is quite a learning curve.

(find it here)

The Start of New Year

Happy 2013 everyone!  This year with Christmas and all the travel that entailed, and school work through the holiday season, and our 1 year anniversary (WOW!) I didn't have much time to think about resolutions or changes I wanted to make for the new year until January.  I think I'm ok with taking a little time in January to decide what I'd like to work on this year, rather than hastily picking too many things, or something that I loose sight of a couple months in.

I have been thinking about what I'd like 2013 to look like, and what I'd like to bring to this year, and how I want to see myself on the other side. There are several thing that are surfacing.

Financial Unity. (I'm sure my husband will enjoy that phrase I just made up!) We desperately need to work on saving as a team- getting on the same page.  It's not just saving but feeling like we are managing money as a team.  We have work a lot on this in 2012 and have worked out a lot of kinks.  Still, we are both great at living individually, and coming together has been somewhat of a tug of war on how we should manage our money.  I am insecure because I don't bring in much money while I'm also in school.  I don't want to be those people who can't enjoy life because they are saving, but I also cannot worry daily that we are depleting our savings should an emergency happen. This is definitely a "Team Blunt" Resolution for 2013 because I can't do this one alone.

Letting Go, and Showing Kindness.  I hope I can explain this in the way that I have internalized it.  I have been taking a yoga class lately, and something the instructor discussed a few weeks back really stuck with me.  She read us some philosopher's words about enlightenment and transcendence.  I listened and took it in.  I began to understand her words as facing disagreement with understudying, facing anger with love.  Surpassing the energy it takes to get upset, have an argument, rehash it over and over in your head, hate, judge, and be angry, and then deciding to move forward.  Instead, what an idea to see what is coming, and decide to let all of that go before it happens.  Deciding to choose instead to let it go, and remain happy, peaceful, and content.  Does that even make sense?  I know it would be better if I could post the reading she used, but I really have no idea what it was.  It just caught me and I took it in in this way.  So if you followed that, you may empathize with me in that this is exactly the opposite of what I do! I have been trying to keep this idea in the forefront of my thoughts and recognize instances where I waste my energy and time in negativity, and instead let it go.  Not easy.  I fail frequently.  But I think something as revolutionary as this, completely changing my thought process at times, takes practice.  This is what I hope to focus on in 2013.

Along with those smaller goals that pop up from time to time- exercise, health and nutrition, living in the moment, loving my husband in the best way I can, consciously being a better friend.  We are always working on things. Our nature as humans is imperfection, so changes occur as we search to be better people.  And what better time than the start of a new year?!

What are you doing for 2013?