I'm giving you a big hug. Can you feel it?

I really can't thank you all enough for sharing with me how you cope with the angers in your life. I didn't expect as many responses as I got and believe me I take them all to heart. I just began reading "Fury" the book that Bana suggested and I'm living it. I'm alreading foreseeing myself reading it again once I'm finished. It's great for me personally because it's written from a place of experience and self-exploration and it's not too close for comfort to be able to read. I love it in a professional sense because she was researching so muchvwhen she wrote it that she backs up her ideas and is slowly giving me a list of other books I will investigate. Some of you bloggie friends know that I'm going back to school and am currently working towards my masters in counseling and this is such a topic of interest for me. Anyway- long-winded but there it is. Big fat thank you hug :)

Survey says...

Ok I've been tagged in a survey game and because of my true love for these people I will participate :) I'm not the hugest survey fan but here goes!

Mandy Deatest asked:
1. If you could pick one year of your life that you would say is the best, what year would it be?
Holy cow I do not know. The entire year of 2007 is the only whole year I knew and loved Mike while he was here with me so I'll pick that one.

2. Is there one place, no matter how far, that you wish you could run away to?
I wish when I want to run away I could go to my parent's house circa 1990. When I was young and it was safe and they could fix everything.

3. How did you and your lovie meet? (Most of of my blog peeps are my widsters, and I love hearing these stories!)
Mike and I met through friends on a random Fris
Friday night and once we started talking I never wanted to stop. That's the simple version :)

4. If you could find out how you are going to die, would you?
No I'm Slightly afraid I wouldn't live then.

5. If you had the choice of mind reading or knowing the future, what would you pick and why?
Im going with mind reading only because it would be a benefit to me at that moment. And it'd be neat.

6. If you could have one wish granted, what would it be?
Peace. For my family. For my friends. For the world. And for me.

7. Can you unwrap a Starburst with your tongue?
Hells ya. Practiced in like 7th grade

8. Are you afraid of dying?
No I am not. Obviously I've got someone warming up the party for me ;)



Ok now for my Lovely Allison:
1. If you could have lunch with any famous person who would it be and why?
I'm bad at small talk and I'd say dumb stuff like "I love your commercials" (haha) or something but I would love to have lunch with any US President, past or present.

2. Describe your dream house.
On a lake, with a big back porch and rocking chairs. Losts of wood. Really amazing kitchen because if were not outside in the lake or on the porch were in the kitchen. The best master bathroom ever. So much room and a big tub and corner shower. Yes :)

3. If you could start your life all over again, would you change anything? why or why not?
No I don't think I would becasue if I change something I am afraid it would lead to some other change down the road that maybe wasn't what a I would want.

4. When you were growing up, what did you want to be?
Happy

5. What are your favorite stores to shop at?
Hmm target, tj Maxx, marshalls, pier one, world market, banana republic

6. What is your favorite holiday?
This one is difficult for me because it's completely changed. I think maybe new years eve and day because it's a celebration and chance to start again in whatever way you want.

7. Describe your perfect day.
Oh man. I can't even begin to imagine what would encompass my 'perfect day'

8. Please list your favorite TV show, movie, and band.
My favortie TV show is Friends. I watch it in reruns anytime I see that it's on :) My favorite movie depends on my mood. I enjoy Pretty Woman, Walk the Line, Wedding Crashers, and Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. Favorite Band = Dave Matthews Band although lately my taste is still evolving. They are a long-time love of mine and I try to stay loyal!

Ok I'm not tagging anyone because I'm pretty sure everyone I follow has been tagged. Love you all- sorry it took me a little while to get to the surveys!

I need to ask you a question.

I do. I need to ask you a question because (almost) 2 years later I still don't know the proper way to "feel" my anger. Once last year my counselor asked me what I used to do when I was angry, before losing Mike. I told her I didn't know. What did I have to be all that angry about? I've tried several things, maybe more than several things. I don't know what to do to release this anger. All the activities I've tried have been a let down. I've broken glass, but the clean was more tedious than I'd expected. I've beat up pillows, and my bed and that seems so easy. I've written, but lately I don't even feel like it. I'd vent, but I have nothing new to say. I've taken it out on Lily (not too crazy or anything!) by yelling at her for nothing, but that really just makes me feel worse. A couple weeks ago I was shooting with some friends and afterward I didn't feel like I had expected.

What do you do that I haven't done?


What if I have to carry the weight of this all my life?

The Weather

I walked outside today with Lily feeling a little heavy, or a little lazy, or a little of both. I'm struck by the weather and I immediately think, "This is what it was like." The funny thing about that thought is that I don't really remember what it was like outside in those days after we found out Mike was gone. I remember being in the Medder's backyard a lot, so it couldn't have been that cold. I remember the day he came home was the same weekend that Avon Lake had their homecoming football game and dance, how ironic. I remember the day of the funeral the funeral director, Bob, talking with my parents about how I wouldn't be warm enough outside in my dress, and they said they brought a coat. He mentioned that I was already shaking, and I turned around and said "It's not from the weather." I remember shaking a lot, but I don't ever remember being cold. Is it weird that he came back home to the weather that was his favorite. To the season he had missed the most? The first fall he was gone I took pictures of leaves and trees and our porch in the fall and sent them to him so that he could get a little taste. I remember him telling me he appreciated that, but that he'd rather I send pictures of me, ha. Football season was his favorite. Ohio State, the Browns, Avon Lake, and old stories, he loved that sport for all the amazing memories it gave him. Now it was wrapping up his life.

It feels so long ago. This week at dinner I was telling a friend that I remember being 4 months out and knowing of people at the 2 year mark and beyond and thinking I had no clue how I would make it that far. Most days now it all feels like a distant memory. I'm comfortable with how I think and feel now, even though it is so different from what I expected. How did I become comfortable with such an unfamiliar way of life. I couldn't believe it when it was happening, and I can't believe it now looking back. It was a time in my life that I'm still sure should have been a movie, not the real thing.

I will be blunt, ha. I am ultra-sensitive this time of year. I feel like many important people in my life are gone, or in a new, less-reoccurring role, and asking so much of me. On this second year I have found that I need everyone to remember that no matter how far I am from the day that Mike was killed I will always have a difficult time with that anniversary.
Always.
Every single year.

That may be hard to realize, or that may not make sense but it's my truth.

"Run for the Fallen"

August 28 I ran for the fallen. As part of my list, I wanted to finish a race. I have been training for the Army 10-Miler in October and wanted to do a race before this so that I wouldn't be caught off guard by little "race-like" things, protocol, pressure, whatever. Nick found a perfect race and registered us both for the Run for the Fallen 5K at Ft. Leonard Wood in Missouri. I wasn't sure I'd be able to do it because I intended to start my drive back home on Saturday and finish it Sunday. I was able to move some things around and push back so that I could run. I got excited thinking it fulfilled my wish to run a practice race before the big race. I was not nervous at all to finish a 5K (3.2 miles) because I often run 3 miles as my workout during the week. And I got to run with some people I know, and families, and "for the fallen." What better reason?! We got there Saturday morning and the weather was perfect- it couldn't have been more than 60 degrees when we arrived, and maybe 70 when we began the race.

Favorable conditions...

In the midst of my excitement I forgot to remember what we were remembering that day. We were not just running a race to run a race. And so before the race began, gold star families from the area were recognized. We talked all about how we should never forget. How we are each running a mile for every service member that has been lost. How those we have known, even just as an acquaintance, should always be remembered for their sacrifice. I stood in that crowd, not the small group of gold star families, but as part of the mass of people. Some required to be there by their superior officers, or were doing a group activity, or were support their spouse by jogging along side.

I sat there, mesmerized into the cloud of people with their running gear and race t-shirts, unsure how to acknowledge that I had more than just an acquaintance I was running for.

So we began the run, and all I kept thinking, however trivial, was how I wished I had brought my AWP t-shirt and was wearing that so that people knew, and I could spread the word if need-be. Oh, and of course REPRESENT and draw strength from my ladies. But alas, as I stated earlier, my excited little brain forgot to prepare for this race.

We began to run, masses of people, dogs, strollers, down a gravel path then up a road. Slightly unorganized and a little chaotic but nothing my trained mind for positive self talk couldn't get me out of. I can do this.

Up the hill, around a little bend. We're talking to friends, I'm losing my breath.

I begin to feel this small, deeply buried ball of swirling anger that burns in the way I expect the sun to burn, with hopping lava spots and a bright, hot core. It swells, my positive self talk is drowning, and I can't bring back my calm, rational, running-trained brain and the things I know to be true about me and my running. It always starts off rough, I get warmed up, and if I'm having fun I can knock out mile on top of mile without hesitation. But into the rough is all the farther I got before the anger got to me.

I slow down, deciding I'll do it on my own. Separate from the pack and get serious. Nick looks back and slows a little to stay with me. "You ok?" I nod yes. "Want water?" I nod no. I also know that if I stop, it is very very difficult for me to begin again.

I don't know exactly when, but I'm suddenly overwhelmed by the chanting. Now even just sitting here typing this, the chanting stirs up such madness in me that I can't believe I didn't freak on someone as the troops swallowed me into their formations and passed by on either side. So running, swallowed by these drones, I look forward, fuming. Nick looks back, and lets them know they need to shift right.

I have a little space, but the chanting fucks with my head on so many levels. I didn't expect this. I didn't expect any of this. But I will not quit. Deep breaths. We hit the turn around point, and I slow even more. I don't even know at this point how many troops have swallowed me and spit me out. The thought of it happening again is all that is in my head.

Keep going. Keep going.

The stress makes my brain think in ways I can't control as well as I'd like. I can't do it. My stomach hurts. My head is throbbing. I want to cry but I can't even figure out how. I tell Nick I have to walk. I walk. He walks beside me. I tell him it's ok, he can finish, go ahead. "I'm not leaving you."

So we walk. I wanted to get the cry out, then begin to run again. but I couldn't find it. I knew it was there and I couldn't get it out. We walked for longer than I liked. Longer than he liked too. Then we ran again, slowly, but I knew I could finish at that pace. "See the stadium? We're almost there."

We finished and I looked up at the race clock that said something like 35:00. Awesome time. I walk into the grass. "Stace. Stace!" I walk to the shade. I need to sit in the grass in the shade. That's all I need right now. "I need the shade!" I sit. Nick goes to look for water. I put my head down.

I didn't expect that. I should have been prepared.

We catch our breath, walk back to the truck, drink the water we had there. We are both disgruntled about different things, but we agree that at least we did it. It was for the Fallen. That's a cause close to our hearts.


P.S. also, check off Breakfast at Tiffany's :)

Oh, hey there

It's been too long. We need to catch up. Ok, ok, yea it was mostly my fault. Ok all my fault. I haven't been updating you like I need to. I've lacked the inspiration to write when I've had the time, and felt the inspiration sleeping in bed in the middle of the night when laziness takes over. I appologize, dear friends, as I get back to keeping you updated on the inner workings of my mind and my world. I have school begining, a race to be training for (its in October!), and more ideas on my mind than I know what to do with. This has caused me to get somewhat bogged down and turned off.

I am making an effort to remember that I do not need to waste energy on what people say or think about me, but invest that energy into doing what is truly me. The authentic version of myself is all I can be.

I want to share a FANTASTIC blog with you by one of my most inspiring and intelligent friends. It's called Principles of Uncertainty. She began the blog as a list of things she wanted to accomplish, some big, some small, some in all shapes and sizes. I thought it was a great way to remind yourself of the things you want to do and keep track of the great things you've done lately. I follow this blog, and also began a list of my own for some of the same reasons. You will see that my list is set up in much of the same way that she used (cough, cough: exact same). Today I will share some of the items on my list with you :) I'll keep you updated when I accomplish any of these.


Oh the places you’ll go:
1. Visit the Grand Canyon
2. Visit Greece
3. Visit Seattle (2/12/2010)
4. Visit somewhere in Colorado
5. Visit Amanda Fedunok in PA (Dec 2008)
6. Visit Jenny and Pat in Arizona
7. Visit Adam and Katie in Kansas (Jan 1, 2010)
8. Visit Tatiana in Jacksonville, FL (Jan 29, 2010)
9. Take AWP Trip (Jan 29-Feb 1, 2010)
10. Visit Matt in Cincy (August 18, 2010)
11. Visit Justina’s new house(April 28th, 2010)
12. Travel to FL once the Medder’s have a condo (2/20/2010)
13. Take a picture along Rt 66
14. Take a meditation/yoga retreat

Train the Brain
1. Learn some more about Wine
2. Learn to drive a manual transmission vehicle
3. Work on remembering names
4. Do a proper push-up. And then be able to do 25 in a row.
6. Take a creative writing class (started 12/1/09)
7. Back to school- CSU


Home, Sweet Home
1. Paint the master bathroom (10/11/09-- but must be redone)
2. Final touches on the master bathroom
4. Find and purchase New bedding that I really like (1/10/2010) and again (8/11/2010)
5. Purchase a new bed frame (4/5/2010)
6. Put the flag pole back up (11/18/09)
7. Purchase, frame and hang “men on the beam” picture in the kitchen
8. Re-do the kitchen
9. Paint/organize/clean/decorate laundry room
10. Get the couch cleaned (3/30/2010)
11. Downstairs bathroom ceiling fixed
16. Organize garage closet
17. Organize kitchen ‘pantry’- can we use it as a pantry!? (May 2010)
18. New light in the stairwell hallway (May 2010)
19. New light in kitchen hallway

Just because I want to
1. Go to every class type at bally’s, just to try it.
2. Shoot a gun
3. Run a race (5K, 10K, whatever)—Registered for Army 10Miler Ocotober 24, 2010
4. Watch AWP video (11/29/09)
5. Ski
6. Skydive ( AWP get away- 5/20/2010)
7. Go whitewater rafting
8. Meet Casie for dinner (finally! June 23, 2010)
9. Go to a group counseling session (12/9/09)
10. Write my will
11. Get a financial advisor – met Shelia 11/17/09
12. Get my rings insured
13. Swim with Dolphins (Jan 30, 2010)
14. Watch “Breakfast at Tiffanys”
15. Re-read “To Kill a Mockingbird”
16. Read “Catch 22”
17. Donate blood 2x
18. Volunteer somewhere with Animals
19. Volunteer (Feb 2, 2010- current at Boys and Girls Club)
20. Eat MahiMahi (Jan 30, 2010)
21. Spend 24 hours straight outside

Professional
1. Update my resume (Jan 22, 2010)
2. Send 1 article to TAPS magazine (sent April 6, 2010)
3. Get published somewhere other than TAPS
4. Start a business, and keep track financially (April 2010)

Lily Related
3. Teach Lily to “roll over”
4. Teach Lily to “be quiet”
5. Be active with Lily to keep her at or within 1lb of 27lbs

There you go- red ones are done as of the date beside them. I'm doing pretty well :)

P.S. I promise to keep up with the blogging!

Where the Road Meets the Sun and more

I can't take credit for finding this song. It's just on repeat tonight, and I found this video. Black and White, live, perfect. Enjoy



Even better:
Wish You Well