He is my person.

We were such a team. That may sound lame. Even as I write it, it sounds a little lame but it's so true. There is no one I would rather share everything with. We were just each other's person. When Mike first passed I remember saying, "but he's my person." I still hear this in my head, over and over. Some people don't understand. Some people won't understand. As jealous as I am that I am not one of those people, my life went the opposite of what I expected. And now it's been more than a year. I hate that. I hate so much that it's all fading. He's been gone so much longer now. All we had to tackle was a 15-month time frame. I can't belive how long it has been since I've heard his voice or seen him smile. I have been running from these thoughts this week. I can't stand it and I can't stand the feeling it gives me. It tightens my chest and makes me more aware of my heart beating. It makes me dizzy and completely overwhelmed. I am so tired of feeling this way and not having him here to discuss it. So ironic. He was my person and he could calm me down, cheer me up, listen to my crazy rants, deal with my attitude and love me despite all of it. He was my person and he made everything worthwhile.

'Widow Garb'

Why do you wear all this widow garb? Doesn't it hurt to see it on you everyday as a constant reminder. Doesn't it hurt when people ask about it? Isn't easier to just keep him in your heart?

I have the black braclet that the men in mikes troop wear on my right arm everyday. if its a fancy dress up occasion I wear the braclet with michaels initals engraved. on days I need extra strength I wear my AWP cuff. I have a yellow ribbon still tied to my left wrist. I know what was there and what it means. I wear my engagemet ring. I wear what would have been my wedding band. We picked it when he was home on R&R and ordered them. He has his in his front pocket. I wear mine. I have a tattoo on my left ribs that says 'faithfully' which would have been our first dance song. It was perfect for us.

so why? why all the garb? I can only speak for me but yes, it can become an uncomfortable conversation when she asks but now she knows. It's bringing it home to her. I wear these things to remuind people what mike gave up
to remind people that there are many people who are in this situation. and mostly so they NEVER EVER FORGET MY HERO. He may not be here on earth with us but he needs to be remembered. not only as Capt Michael J Medders, but also as Michael, Mike, Darz, etc.

It's on me so I remember and so I can share him with the world. He deserves it. thanks baby ;)

I can't write anything. But it can't be quiet. Here's what I'm listening to.

"All I Need" by Mat Kearney

Here it comes it's all blowing in tonight
I woke up this morning to a blood red sky
They're burning on the bridge turning off the lights
We're on the run I can see it in your eyes
If nothing is safe then I don't understand
You call me your boy but I'm trying to be the man
One more day and it's all slipping with the sand
You touch my lips and grab the back of my hand
The back of my hand

Guess we both know we're in over our heads
We got nowhere to go and no home that's left
The water is rising on a river turning red
It all might be OK or we might be dead
If everything we've got is slipping away
I meant what I said when I said until my dying day
I'm holding on to you, holding on to me
Maybe it's all gone black but you're all I see
You're all I see

The walls are shaking, I hear them sound the alarm
Glass is breaking so don't let go of my arm
Grab your bags and a picture of where we met
All that we'll leave behind and all that's left
If everything we've got is blowing away
We've got a rock and a rock till our dying day
I'm holding on to you, holding on to me
Maybe it's all we got but it's all I need
You're all I need

And if all we've got, is what no one can break,
I know I love you, if that's all we can take,
the tears are coming down, they're mixing with the rain,
I know I love you, if that's all we can take.

A pool is running for miles on the concrete ground
We're eight feet deep and the rain is still coming down
The TV's playing it all out of town
We're grabbing at the fray for something that won't drown

It's about that time

to take the blog private.

Shoot me an email and I will make sure to send you an invite. (I think that's how I do this.)

Thanks friends.

Breakin it down

"Love knows no limit to it's endurance, no end to it's trust, no fading of it's hope, it can outlast anything. Love still stands when everything else has fallen."

{stolen from Kimdud}

Greenday sometimes writes songs just for me...

Wake Me up When September Ends
Summer has come and passed
The innocent can never last
wake me up when September ends
like my father's come to pass
seven years has gone so fast
wake me up when September ends
here comes the rain again
falling from the stars
drenched in my pain again
becoming who we are
as my memory rests
but never forgets what I lost
wake me up when September ends
summer has come and passed
the innocent can never last
wake me up when September ends
ring out the bells again
like we did when spring began
wake me up when September ends
here comes the rain again
falling from the stars
drenched in my pain again
becoming who we are
as my memory rests
but never forgets what I lost
wake me up when September ends
Summer has come and passed
The innocent can never last
wake me up when September ends



21 Guns
Do you know what's worth fighting for?
When it's not worth dying for?
Does it take your breath away
And you feel yourself suffocating?
Does the pain weigh out the pride?
And you look for a place to hide?
Did someone break your heart inside?
You're in ruins
One, 21 guns
Lay down your arms, give up the fight
One, 21 guns
Throw up your arms into the sky, you and I
When you're at the end of the road
And you lost all sense of control
And your thoughts have taken their toll
When your mind breaks the spirit of your soul
Your faith walks on broken glass
And the hangover doesn't pass
Nothing's ever built to last
You're in ruins
One, 21 guns
Lay down your arms, give up the fight
One, 21 guns
Throw up your arms into the sky, you and I
Did you try to live on your own
When you burned down the house and home?
Did you stand too close to the fire
Like a liar looking for forgiveness from a stone?
When it's time to live and let die
And you can't get another try
Something inside this heart has died
You're in ruins

Back to You

I have this lyric playing on repeat in my head.

"Back to you. It always comes around back to you."

It's a simple lyric but with everything I see and everything I do, I see the version where Mike is here. I see the version where Mike was here. I think of what he would say if he were watching. I talk to him in my head about it as if he is watching. I hope he is watching.

I try to find my motivation and it's completely gone. Yes, still. Maybe even more in this God forsaken month. Why should I be using so much of this energy that I don't have doing things I don't want to do? I'm so tired and I keep pushing. I put on my "I'm ok" face and struggle through work. I try not to let myself sit down as I run errands, walk the dog, clean the house, make some dinner, wash the dishes, and whatever else I can do before I head upstairs and shut the door to our room. I feel trapped and at home in the same place. When I finally lay down I try to decide if I should let myself go or read until I'm so tired I can't think. Then I wake up and realize we're still running this marathon.

I miss you baby.