Monday, September 7, 2009

Back to You

I have this lyric playing on repeat in my head.

"Back to you. It always comes around back to you."

It's a simple lyric but with everything I see and everything I do, I see the version where Mike is here. I see the version where Mike was here. I think of what he would say if he were watching. I talk to him in my head about it as if he is watching. I hope he is watching.

I try to find my motivation and it's completely gone. Yes, still. Maybe even more in this God forsaken month. Why should I be using so much of this energy that I don't have doing things I don't want to do? I'm so tired and I keep pushing. I put on my "I'm ok" face and struggle through work. I try not to let myself sit down as I run errands, walk the dog, clean the house, make some dinner, wash the dishes, and whatever else I can do before I head upstairs and shut the door to our room. I feel trapped and at home in the same place. When I finally lay down I try to decide if I should let myself go or read until I'm so tired I can't think. Then I wake up and realize we're still running this marathon.

I miss you baby.

2 comments:

Justina said...

I anxiously await your next post to see how you are really doing...
I think of you everyday and wish that there was something that I could do, some way I could help to ease your pain...
I feel helpless and I know there is nothing I can do. All I can do is be your friend, and be there whenever you need and ear to listen or a shoulder to cry on...
I love and miss you...

Christina said...

You are forever in my thoughts and prayers. I know that all of your friends wish there was something, no matter what, that we could do to make this easier for you and to take away your pain.