It's been 16 months since I've seen Mike. We could have done another deployment and had a month to be back together. Our lives were stuck in an interval of 15 months. That time frame, 15 months, haunted us. "It's not that long. Not when you have the rest of your life." We were so positive.
I miss having fun. I miss having fun with you, baby. I miss how happy we were, just always happy. Even when we were mad. I can distinctly remember being so angry (about nothing I'm sure) and suddenly begining to laugh. I'm so tired of plastering on this face. This face that I'm not even sure I'm very good at. No one is really fooled, it's just to hard to talk about. I'm tired of forcing myself to "get back to things" and not genuinely feeling like I want to be there. I don't know how you get that fun back. I don't know how to ever capture the amount of happiness we had together. I tell myself that there's some kind of crazy different happiness. I don't know if it's true.
I hate that time just keeps going. And I hate that I wake up everyday feeling this way. I am stuck right here. And if I knew what to do to make it better, or help make it easier to keep going, I'd do it.
I miss you so much. So much.
2 comments:
Stacey, I wish I had some words of wisdom for you, but sadly, I don't. All I can tell you is that you are strong, smart, and beautiful, and you're getting through this the best way you know how. Don't stress yourself out about "getting back into things" and being the way you were before because your life has changed forever and I think you will find a way to make your new life work for you. Please call/text/email me if you EVER need to talk.
Hey lady,
stuck is a word i find myself thinking, often...even when we try to feel...
that's what my thing was the other day, with angry music..I wasn't really angry, per se, I just needed to feel something, anything, to remind myself of what it was to feel...so I get ya...
Hang in there lady, we are the legacies of fabulous guys...and well, we will face this head on, much like they did..we're fighting our own war, per se, here...
I have faith in ya...and well, stuck and pretending are part of our life...but sometimes, sometimes, I promise, good things, and some feelings do sneak their way in, when we least expect it!!!
Love ya!
~Rachael
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