Life throws you curves...

At least this one wasn't as bad as they've been in the past, but it had me scared shittless. Early Friday morning mom had a heart attack. After I hung up the phone with my dad assuring me he was ok and I could hear the helicopter if I listened closely (she was life flighted to a bigger hospital) I didn't move.

Nick said "did your mom just have a heart attack?"

"Yea."

"Do you want to go to the hospital now?"

"Um, dad said he'd call back when he knows more."

I curled into him and cried and he let me. I kept thinking I'm not ready. I'm not ready. The truth is it doesn't matter if we're ready. It doesn't matter at all, and it's pretty scary coming face to face with that knowledge.

In those moments after the phone call I wanted to give her everything I could, everything she wanted from me... A huge wedding, peach flowers, a band, baby's breath, lace, tulle, a litter of grandchildren and live in the house next door.

"Ok," I finally say, "let's go." We get ready and head to the hospital that is about an hour and 15 min from my place.

Once we get there we hear all the details and see my mom and dad and uncle. Mom doesn't look horrible and she walks me through what happened. She woke up at 3am and felt really crappy. She thought it was her anxiety, so did dad. She started sweating and her back hurt, dad tried to calm her down. Then she told my dad her left arm hurt and her chest was starting to hurt. He gave her some aspirin and drove her to the hospital (small town= 5 min drive, max). Once there, the staff took one look at her and rushed her back. She had one artery blocked 99% so they decided to transport her to the other hospital. Once she got there they immediately put the stint in and began assessing everything. She had very minimal heart damage. She has to go back in January for some more work. She should be able to go home tomorrow. She's 55...

Thinking about losing her was so different this time then that fear has ever been for me. I knew I wasn't in control. How crazy for me to ever really think I was. I used to think there was no way I would live through that and now I knew I wasn't ready and that she had more she should be able to do... But I also know this process isn't fair.

Thank you to the few of you who know about what's been going on- your thoughts are much appreciated.

Also, while I'm talking about curve balls, Friday night my grandfather passed away. It's sad because we will all miss him but he was more than ready. He's been in a nursing home for 5 years and can't see or hear or walk. He has some peace now, which he deserves. The sad part is my grandmother is still here, and suffers from dimentia. They've been in the same room at the nursing home and I just have such a hard time believing they have to be separated. They always did everything together. Walked into town to do errands together, had only one car their whole lives because they'd just go together- that type of couple. So that is the part that hurts the most right now. And knowing my dad is sad that his dad is gone. Although it was time, we will always miss him.