I was a really good mom this week.

Mom friends do you ever say this to yourself? It's funny to even type. On the heals of an article my friend posted, I have been thinking a lot about how I talk to myself as a mom. I truly thought that even though motherhood would be stressful and difficult, I would be made for this job. I haven't actually felt that to be true in the way I imagined. 

I've been trying to really use some positive self talk to get myself in a more positive place. "I was a really great mom this week." It was a tough week because Nick was away for 4 days and that always stresses me out and makes me nervous. Lucky it was just 4 days. We had a lot of tears and whines, and the little man's teeth are raising H-E- double hockey sticks, but I was there to comfort him, snuggle him, bounce him, and when it was necessary, give him tylenol. We also had a lot of smiles, some awesome giggly-giggles, fun at bath time, we enjoyed a little gym class, went to the children's museum, practiced standing and sitting up, sang our ABCs, and even got some big smiles at the dreaded tummy time. 

Those of you who are mommies, do you feel good at your job? Will that ever be true? Did you have to manage your expectations with reality? This is what I'm working with right now. 

Sometimes I Feel Invisible

I'm going to be a transparent mom today (well obviously I'm transparent, I blog about our life ha!) There are a lot of days that I feel pretty invisible. Today at a mother's group meeting we played around with making necklaces. I made one that had some clear beads (Killian's birthstone is a diamond) and some blue beads (because he's a boy), and then another section with a ruby colored bead and a feather (because ruby is Nick's birthstone) and then I proudly put it on to see what I thought. If we forget that it's homemade ;) it doesn't look half bad, but you know what I left out? Myself. It seemed interesting that I didn't think to put some of my birthstone on there. There I am, invisible to myself too. 

Our lives with a little one are pretty hectic and having only a few friends in the area doesn't help. I suppose I just get lost in it all sometimes. We go about our day, Nick at work, and me trying to keep K alive and happy. Sometimes it's a good day, sometimes it's a less than ideal day, and many times it feels like Groundhog Day.  Killian's smiles and the laughs he laughs just for me remind me that I'm not invisible. I may be in the trenches, but I'm valuable and necessary to him, and that is worth it all. I've said it before but I'm astonished at how hard mommy-ing can be, and also how amazing it can be.

I hate you, September

I felt the weight of this month bearing down on me today. It's amazing to me how in one minute you can be happy and carefree and then just a few minutes later some little trigger can have you transported back 6 (holy crap!) years and reliving every detail. Do any of you do this? I have this automatic video-reel type experience where I relive it all over again. The day I found out. The day he came home. The memorial services. The funeral. It seems-- it was-- so long ago, but very quickly it can seem like yesterday. And we just keep walking forward through these days. Head on through what we know is coming. We just keep walking because it doesn't get worse. It gets rough, but it doesn't get worse than those days.  

Do you know how incredibly guilty I feel when I get stuck down the rabbit hole? Being stuck reliving those days takes so much energy. That's energy I should be giving to my beautiful baby boy. I'm so very blessed to have what I have when I never thought I'd get there. To be able to live the life I dreamed of, just a regular life, is such a privilege. I don't know how to convey my true gratitude for it. So September is a balancing act that I have yet to master.  P