Disclaimer- This post is made after 1:00am

I would like to discuss some of the things I talked with my counselor about this week because I have been very nervous/ anxious going in there for some reason. Well, honestly I feel nervous/ anxious for a little while now. And she gave me a really great analogy that I think I need to hold onto. She said that when you avoid something as big as this (Read: me avoiding dealing with how much pain I am in from this grief) it just follows you and follows you and you put so much energy into keeping it under control or buried with things that keep you busy, that it is ALWAYS there. She said that what we will do by me deciding I need help moving forward is that she will help me to stop running, turn around, and face it. In a save environment with some strategies in place outside her office to keep me calm and in a safe happy place. That made so SO much sense to me. I am so damn tired, just tired. But I feel guilty because I never get enough done at work, or things around the house, or I forget things, or I can't concentrate. It's like my lists just get longer. She mentioned that I can't be too hard on myself because I am doing a lot, its just a lot of running away and I could catch up without first being a slacker.

***2 weeks*** until our wedding day. I'm willing to bet the whether will be gorgeous- perfect temperature. Sun. I have friends planning activities for me. A visit to the cemetery and then the rest of the day by the cabin near the lake. Better than sitting here wallowing...

I'm still not sure how I'm going to make it through these summer months. T has got my back for sure, and that helps. I'll just keep my cell phone by my side and keep pushing forward.

I miss you so much baby. Happy 2 weeks till OUR DAY!!! :-)

blog from email

This is an attempt to write a blog entry from an email. I need this feature because very important things happen to me constantly that I later forget about and I want to blog them to you blog readers! Now I can immediately blog! YAY it worked!

In other news, it's Memorial Day weekend. I have a memorial wreath laying ceremony tomorrow in Columbus that Tori is going to attend with me. And on Monday we have something in Avon Lake as well. A memorial day weekend full of memorials.

And we begin another week...

Here we go. My first thought is that once I make it through tomorrow the week should roll on uneventfully. I have plumbers coming in the morning to finally fix our leak and allow me to use the bathtub- yay! (FYI we have a shower, I'm not dirty, it's the spare bathroom with the tub that has a leak into the ceiling below.) I'm really hoping it's a quick, in-and-out job with no surprises. Then I just need to get the ceiling fixed where he will have to make a hole to find and fix the plumbing issue. My second thought is that I need to get the dang cushion re-upholstered. Thanks, Lily. I think that back part did need ripped up.

We also present the scholarship in Michael's name to the receipient tomorrow night. I really have no idea how it will go. I think I can keep it together long enough to read a few sentences and focus on the young student who's burden of paying for college education will be eased, but we'll see.

And, mom made me zucchini bread. Ha :-)Fabulous!

I Make Lists

It's what I do. I do it most days to remember the things I have to remember. For work or once I get home, random things pop into my head. Tonight I will ramble through a list.

How in the world do I get Lily to wake up at 6:30 again instead of 4 am to go outside?! What has changed my little girl?

My teeth hurt. That's what you get when you forget to go to the dentist for about a year, Stacey!

I'm still pissed about the lady from the pet class last night. Butt out, Lady! Are you a professional dog trainer? I didn't think so, shut your mouth!

I miss him more than I know how to express.

We usually have such a good time at the dog class.

Lily is sleepy, thank goodness!

I think we should go to Florida sooner rather than later. It was my brother's idea and it isn't a bad one.

Lily is thrilled at her new treats from Monica! She loves them so much!

If I hear that Jason Mraz and Colbie Callie(?) song one more time I will drive my car into a tree. Ok I'm just being dramatic, but stop playing it. Please, for my sanity.

I would really love some zucchini bread. I don't have zucchini, or a bread pan, or any idea how to make it.

I want a day just to read. To read and read and read some more would be awesome.

Lily would like to write on the list too, but she has some spelling/typing issues.

Why are my plant's turning a little brown?

I do enjoy that it has been so sunshine-y lately.

...

The Romance in Groceries

I was grocery shopping today and I got stuck behind this couple picking out fruit. The store was busy and I wasn't in a hurry so I decided to take my time and wait for them to move on and then I'd pick my apples. They were an older couple, obviously fresh from church picking up some groceries. I thought they were sweet. Again as I was finished shopping I was walking to my car with my cart full of new food and I realized I was behind them again. They had their two bags and were walking to their car. I kept thinking that's what I want. Then I realized that's what I wanted. As I walked passed them to my car and I noticed their car was parked in a handicapped spot and I started thinking that even when we were old I don't think Mike would park in those spots. We used to park far because we could walk, or took the steps because we could, why not?! My next thought was that he would park there if it were for me, if I needed to be closer to the door. I immediately looked back and saw that the woman was limping a little, and I laughed. Of course I don't know their story but I wanted to assume they had been together 30+ years and had several grandchildren that they get to visit often, etc. It made me smile today.

3rd One Tonight

I probably don't need to separate all these, but organizationally it makes me feel better. I also made a quick trip down to TX for the 3rd ACR re-dedication memorial for soldiers lost in OIF 07-09. It was good to go because we were able to see Mike's roommates and friends, people I hadn't seen in a while. Strange, of course, that he wasn't there, but we made it.

I'm having issues, but here is the link.
http://www.kdhnews.com/news/story.aspx?s=32183

My Beautiful Pup

Lily! She is America's Next Top Model, for sure. Here are some pictures.