Happy October 27th

Today (tonight) Mike and I met, 3 years ago. It's pretty crazy that that is all. I went to the lake today because the weather is still nice here and it gives me a little room to think. I just tried to remember. Focus and remember, and let go and remember. I miss him so much, and I've said those words so many times they don't feel like they mean nearly as much as I'd like.

*So happy 3 years- I love you!*

Happy Sweetest Day

It's sweetest day, and although it's a "hallmark holiday" it's also a day to remind you to tell the one you love how you feel with cards, flowers, dinners, and chocolate and crap. So this year I did what I did last year (wow) and went to get flowers to take to Mike. It's freezing and rainy and I was in a horrible mood, so I told myself I could go visit for a few minutes and then come home, have some tea (which turned into wine) and wrap up in a blanket and talk to him there. So I went to Trader Joe's because they have a wide variety of pretty flowers and after I picked a bunch with an orange Lily or two(because he used to buy me those) and among others some purple Irises (because they would have been at our wedding) I decided to grab some wine too. I stood in line, this guy behind me with a bouquet of red roses, and when I walked up to pay the cashier said, "Oh, for Sweetest Day?!!?" and I stuttered as I didn't know how to answer. I was in my own bubble, trying to get in and out and move through this crappy part of the day and suddenly I couldn't figure out what to say. I replied with a simple, "yes, um yes it is." because it is. I didn't want to share but I thought, if you only knew. I guess wine + flowers = Sweetest Day, duh! And when I got into the car all I could think about was what we would be doing. Which I don't actually know, except it probably be fun, and we would probably laugh, and somehow Mike would surprise me with some gesture that would remind me just how much he cared for me. At the cemetery I just got mad, standing in the mud, wishing I had put on more layers so I could stay for a little longer. I told him I loved him, which he already knows, and I kissed his headstone and told him to be good and I'd see him soon. (read: it's just what we say to each other. no reason to get alarmed.) I remembered that last year I was at the florist trying to pick out flowers, asking my mom if they were ok because although I wanted to make sure everything I got him was the best version, I couldn't really tell up from down. I remember Journey coming on the radio and just laughing. Journey is his thing, that I share. And now it's become this thing that constantly reminds me of him. That was him saying hi. Today as I put the bouquet of flowers down, one of the roses broke off and fell right in front of me. I think he was giving me that one. Thanks baby. Happy Sweetest Day. I love you.

Character

I've established my first rule while dealing with this grieving process of an unknown length, which is that I must act with Character. Weather I am being lazy, tired, missing Mike, crying, in pain, or in that "I could give a rat's ass" attitude I will act with Character. I know I will mess up, but when you mess up and you have strong Character, you say you messed up and apologize. So this is one of the things

The concept of character can imply a variety of attributes including the existence or lack of virtues such as integrity, courage, fortitude, honesty, and loyalty, or of good behaviors or habits. Thank you wikipedia.
Integrity- as a concept has to do with perceived consistency of actions; do what you say you will do
Courage- is the ability to confront fear in the face of pain, danger, uncertainty or intimidation
Fortitude- synonym for courage
Honesty- is speaking truth and creating trust in minds of others
Loyalty- is faithfulness or a devotion to a person or cause.


There are a couple things I know for sure. One of those is that if I had to list for you reasons I love Mike, his Character- the way he always did what was right, no matter how difficult or annoying or how far from what he really wanted to be doing is in the top 5. (Other 4 rounding out the 5? His optimism, they way he was able to deal with my attitude, his love of his family, his zest for life) He always did what he thought was right. Sure, he was crazy fun and always a good time, but he had such strong character that he was able to earn the respect of almost anyone.

I admire his commitment to character and I think its time to make a personal rule that I remember to exhibit strong character. Do the right thing. It is so often now people can be lazy, get out of work early, lie about what they did, act crazy rude just to be funny, etc. And, for me, it's time to begin to remember the character I used to have, the character Mike exhibited. I know I'm grieving and it's a process that can sometimes be ugly. But I belive I can still act with character.

From another blog...

"I will not fail you, my love. I will continue on the path we shared and I know you will be there to help me, as you always were. And when we meet again at the journey’s end, and we laugh together once more, I will have a thousand things to tell you."
-Unknown

A long time favorite.

DMB "I'll Back You Up"

I remember thinking I'll go on forever only knowing I'll see you again.
But I know The touch of you is hard to remember But like that touch I know no other.
And for sure we have danced In the risk of each other.
Would you like to dance Around the world with me?

I'll be falling all about my own thing.
And I know you're the heaviest weight When you're not here that's hung Around my head.

And your lips burn wild Thrown from the face of a child And in your eyes The seeing of the greatest view.
Do what you will, always Walk where you like, your steps.
Do as you please, I'll back you up.

I remember thinking Sometimes we walk Sometimes we run away.
But I know No matter how fast we are running Somehow we keep Somehow we keep up with each other.

He is my person.

We were such a team. That may sound lame. Even as I write it, it sounds a little lame but it's so true. There is no one I would rather share everything with. We were just each other's person. When Mike first passed I remember saying, "but he's my person." I still hear this in my head, over and over. Some people don't understand. Some people won't understand. As jealous as I am that I am not one of those people, my life went the opposite of what I expected. And now it's been more than a year. I hate that. I hate so much that it's all fading. He's been gone so much longer now. All we had to tackle was a 15-month time frame. I can't belive how long it has been since I've heard his voice or seen him smile. I have been running from these thoughts this week. I can't stand it and I can't stand the feeling it gives me. It tightens my chest and makes me more aware of my heart beating. It makes me dizzy and completely overwhelmed. I am so tired of feeling this way and not having him here to discuss it. So ironic. He was my person and he could calm me down, cheer me up, listen to my crazy rants, deal with my attitude and love me despite all of it. He was my person and he made everything worthwhile.

'Widow Garb'

Why do you wear all this widow garb? Doesn't it hurt to see it on you everyday as a constant reminder. Doesn't it hurt when people ask about it? Isn't easier to just keep him in your heart?

I have the black braclet that the men in mikes troop wear on my right arm everyday. if its a fancy dress up occasion I wear the braclet with michaels initals engraved. on days I need extra strength I wear my AWP cuff. I have a yellow ribbon still tied to my left wrist. I know what was there and what it means. I wear my engagemet ring. I wear what would have been my wedding band. We picked it when he was home on R&R and ordered them. He has his in his front pocket. I wear mine. I have a tattoo on my left ribs that says 'faithfully' which would have been our first dance song. It was perfect for us.

so why? why all the garb? I can only speak for me but yes, it can become an uncomfortable conversation when she asks but now she knows. It's bringing it home to her. I wear these things to remuind people what mike gave up
to remind people that there are many people who are in this situation. and mostly so they NEVER EVER FORGET MY HERO. He may not be here on earth with us but he needs to be remembered. not only as Capt Michael J Medders, but also as Michael, Mike, Darz, etc.

It's on me so I remember and so I can share him with the world. He deserves it. thanks baby ;)